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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be in a relationship with someone if your dc refused to have anything to do with them?

119 replies

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 21:12

I met my partner in 2022, we started off as long distance then broke up because of the distance ( she doesn't drive ), her jealousy, insecurities, some background stuff that I found out she'd lied about.

When we broke up she was vile to me, called me all the names under the sun, sent me pics of her and some bloke she met in a pub saying she was on a date with someone who knew how to treat a woman. I had to block her eventually.

A few months later she got in touch through a mutual as she heard that one of my close family members had cancer.

Long story short we got back together and 3 months later she relocated to my city. Not living with me.

Things were fine mostly except she'd give me the silent treatment if something pissed her off. She was insanely jealous of my past and anyone I had any contact with.

Over Christmas and new year I had to rearrange some plans because of my adult dd visiting from overseas.
On the day before nye I had to go to hers later than we'd planned ( I still wrnt with the plan to stay overnight ) and when I got there she was really drunk and started verbally assaulting me saying she hated me, calling me over and over a c*nt. I tried to leave and she wouldn't let me leave and she carried on.
She threw some small items at me and was screaming in my face.

Eventually I managed to get put and she attacked my car so I couldn't drive off, banging on the windows and screaming abuse and kicking it.

After I managed to drive away she called me threatening to cut herself then again saying she'd cut herself and if she bled to death it would be my fault, that she was going to call my dd ( 16, autistic ) saying when I'd made her do.

Next thing dd calls me in a panic saying where are you cos X has said I need to call you. This is midnight. I said I'm fine I'm coming home.

I got home and the dc were up scared about what had happened, my phone rang and it was x sating I'm bleeding and she'd sent me photos of her arms that she'd cut ( lightly, she was not bleeding ) and a picture of her arm with a knife lying beside it with no marks on.

I broke up with her and dc said she's never welcome here again.

Again I had to block because of her behaviour.

Fast forward another couple of months and we'd started talking. She agreed to therapy, she agreed to counselling, aline and together, she got a job, a new flat and pulled herself together. This was the beginning of 2024.

Mid way through the year my eldest dd got engaged and it suddenly dawned on me that I'll never be able to bring my partner to my dc weddings, I wasn't able to bring her to my grandsons christening, to a big family gathering that I organised so I broke it off with her and told her why.

During that time we'd been to counselling and on the first visit she lied to the counsellor about a really significant thing.

After a few months after us talking and me thinking about things I decided to make a go of it with her. My dc will all be off living their own lives and then what?

Currently we are in a relationship. We don't live together and won't be doing in the next couple of years as my daughter and her family are moving back from overseas and are staying with me whilst they look for and move into their own place.

I can't bring my partner round to my house because my dc don't want anything to do with her and this is their safe space and I always told then I would respect that. I can and do go to her place in the same small city.

I just think about it all the time. People say the dc will come around but what if they don't? I'm a huge family person, it's all I ever wanted. But I want my partner with me.

We'd?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 21:35

I do appreciate your responses. I didn't think to clarify we are both women.

I have lots of loving friendships around me and not one person likes her. I've asked people why and they say she's toxic.

She also has a lot of trauma in her background but she's sketchy in the details.

If I'm brutally honest I'm a bit worried about how she'll react if I break up with her. She a bit unpredictable.

I know you're all right, I know what I have to do. Pull up my big girl pants.

Thank you for not slaughtering me .

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 04/04/2025 21:35

I wouldn’t imagine your DC will “come around” and they’re completely correct. This woman is violent, volatile, manipulative, attention-seeking. Apart from them not wanting to see you hurt again, can you really imagine them wanting to risk her ruining their weddings, Christenings, family gatherings, kicking off with one of her tantrums and threatening suicide when she doesn’t get her own way about something or wants to pick a fight with you?

A partner should add to your life, be somebody you can rely on. This woman isn’t either.

Hankunamatata · 04/04/2025 21:37

Time to let go. It's not a healthy relationship

Original poster
Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 21:37

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/04/2025 21:35

I wouldn’t imagine your DC will “come around” and they’re completely correct. This woman is violent, volatile, manipulative, attention-seeking. Apart from them not wanting to see you hurt again, can you really imagine them wanting to risk her ruining their weddings, Christenings, family gatherings, kicking off with one of her tantrums and threatening suicide when she doesn’t get her own way about something or wants to pick a fight with you?

A partner should add to your life, be somebody you can rely on. This woman isn’t either.

You are completely right. I hadn't even thought about the potential tantrums at gatherings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 21:38

I'm in my 50's fgs. I own my own home. I've raised my dc mostly on my own, I go to work. I can do this right.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 04/04/2025 21:38

Whether they have to encounter her or not, your kids are going to be worried sick about you as long as you are in this “relationship” and with good reason. This woman will not improve. She may manage peaks and troughs, which may make you feel things are improving, but it will always descend into drama and hurt and instability. This is because she is wired to need those things; they are her oxygen, and you will get absolutely ploughed under if you stay with her. She will eat every last scrap of your energy, your health and happiness…and she will never be satisfied.

Get rid of her. Make a clean break and don’t go back on it. Then book yourself some trauma-informed counselling to explore how your abusive childhood has left you with the subconscious belief that abuse is normal and that you deserve no better. You are worth more than this FlowersFlowersFlowers

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/04/2025 21:40

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 21:35

I do appreciate your responses. I didn't think to clarify we are both women.

I have lots of loving friendships around me and not one person likes her. I've asked people why and they say she's toxic.

She also has a lot of trauma in her background but she's sketchy in the details.

If I'm brutally honest I'm a bit worried about how she'll react if I break up with her. She a bit unpredictable.

I know you're all right, I know what I have to do. Pull up my big girl pants.

Thank you for not slaughtering me .

Your friends are absolutely right, this woman is toxic. Get her out of your life and don’t look back. Focus on your family. If the right relationship comes along then great, but otherwise you are far better off alone. Her behaviour will not get better, you could waste years of your life putting up with this. The sooner you get rid of her the better.

MissSookieStackhouse · 04/04/2025 21:46

Are you serious? No wonder your DC don’t want anything to do with this absolute psycho.

Sassybooklover · 04/04/2025 22:13

Good God, why on earth are you in a relationship with a person who treats you in this way??! This person is psychologically unstable, is manipulative, insecure, jealous, violent and abusive. Don't get me started on the fact this woman thought it was perfectly acceptable to drag your 16 year old daughter into her crazy antics. It's not any wonder neither of your daughter's want this woman in their lives. They are absolutely correct in their thinking and I don't blame them. You want to spend your life with a woman, who can never ever be part of your family life? She is a loose cannon, who's unpredictable and you don't know what version of her you will be getting. Honestly, you can do better. End this toxic relationship, for not only your own safety but for your own mental well-being. She will grind every bit of self-esteem out of you, until you are a shell of a person. I suggest you read your post back, instead of you being in this relationship, imagine it was one of your daughter's and the partner was a man. What would your response be to your daughter? Mine would be, run like the wind and don't look back.

Original poster
Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:30

Sassybooklover · 04/04/2025 22:13

Good God, why on earth are you in a relationship with a person who treats you in this way??! This person is psychologically unstable, is manipulative, insecure, jealous, violent and abusive. Don't get me started on the fact this woman thought it was perfectly acceptable to drag your 16 year old daughter into her crazy antics. It's not any wonder neither of your daughter's want this woman in their lives. They are absolutely correct in their thinking and I don't blame them. You want to spend your life with a woman, who can never ever be part of your family life? She is a loose cannon, who's unpredictable and you don't know what version of her you will be getting. Honestly, you can do better. End this toxic relationship, for not only your own safety but for your own mental well-being. She will grind every bit of self-esteem out of you, until you are a shell of a person. I suggest you read your post back, instead of you being in this relationship, imagine it was one of your daughter's and the partner was a man. What would your response be to your daughter? Mine would be, run like the wind and don't look back.

So would mine 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:31

Do you think it's possible for a person to change?

OP posts:
DragonBalls · 04/04/2025 22:32

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:31

Do you think it's possible for a person to change?

Not this person, no!

StrikeForever · 04/04/2025 22:38

I wouldn’t be having any kind of relationship with someone like this irrespective of what my DC think. Perhaps you would benefit from therapy to explore why you are willing to subject yourself to this.

Crabwoman · 04/04/2025 22:44

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:31

Do you think it's possible for a person to change?

Ffs OP no!!

The first paragraph in your OP would be enough to have most people running for the hills

She then USES your 16 year old like a pawn to manipulate you, without giving a flying fuck about the trauma inflicted on a child with autism.

I would never, ever forgive someone who did that to my child, and yet you are still asking if they can change.

Kindly, give your head a wobble, she is a psychopathic scumbag and your DC know it.

StrikeForever · 04/04/2025 22:45

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:31

Do you think it's possible for a person to change?

Not unless they are motivated to change (lying to the counsellor shows she isn’t) and someone with this level of dysfunction would not only have to be motivated to do so, but would have to work for years to achieve enough change to engage in a healthy relationship. You don’t need this in your life.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/04/2025 22:51

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:31

Do you think it's possible for a person to change?

How many chances are you going to give her? She's already proven to you and your teenaged daughter that she's not going to change.

Run like the wind. It's good you are getting help, you've been in a very abusive relationship. Be free of it for your and your family's sake.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/04/2025 22:52

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:31

Do you think it's possible for a person to change?

Some people yes, this person no. She is incredibly manipulative, that is ingrained. Normal people don’t behave as she has behaved. This is the way her brain is wired. She is entirely self serving and doesn’t give a shit about you, you’re pawn in her game. I promise she will ruin your life. If you chose her over your children (which you absolutely will be doing if you continue seeing her) you will likely lose them. Imagine yourself years from now when your children have gone no contact with you to get away from her and she’s alienated you from everyone who actually cares about you so your entire life is just enduring her sick little mind games. For goodness sake, get rid of her. Block all contact, change your number and move home if you have to. Just get her out of your life now.

Maddy70 · 04/04/2025 22:56

She sounds awful
Your children know this
You can do better

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 04/04/2025 22:58

You’ve been through a lot and it’s clear you care about her, but this relationship has caused serious emotional harm to you and your children. She’s been abusive, manipulative, and involved your daughter in a terrifying situation. Your children witnessed that and it’s completely understandable that they don’t want her in their lives.

She may have made some changes but the damage done was significant. You say you’re a huge family person, yet this relationship isolates you from your family. Is that really what you want long term?

Love isn’t enough if it comes at the cost of your peace, your values, and your children’s trust. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for everyone, including yourself, is let go.

Fancycheese · 04/04/2025 22:58

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 21:38

I'm in my 50's fgs. I own my own home. I've raised my dc mostly on my own, I go to work. I can do this right.

Of course you can do it! I would recommend having professional help from a therapist if you can, that really helped me see the light when I was in an abusive relationship.

DorothyStorm · 04/04/2025 22:59

Brunocatmon · 04/04/2025 22:31

Do you think it's possible for a person to change?

No.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 04/04/2025 23:00

Read up on BPD and see if it rings any bells

SedumRoof · 04/04/2025 23:06

What is attractive about someone violently jealous, violent, irrational, bad-tempered, prone to tantrums,and who is loathed by your children for good reason?

Endofyear · 04/04/2025 23:09

I cannot say this clearly enough OP - get out of this relationship! She is dangerous, abusive and she is not going to change. She is going to get worse. Please end this and get yourself into therapy to deal with your own issues. Nobody should stay in such an unhealthy relationship.

And no, your children will not 'come round' nor should they! They are being more adult and sensible than you at this point. I wouldn't want anyone dangerous and abusive anywhere near my kids, adult or not. Neither should you.

SleepQuest33 · 04/04/2025 23:12

No! Read back your OP! Dc are doing you a favour.

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