For my 18 year old son to let me know what time he’ll be home after night out

[95percentcocoa]

My son is immature and has a tendency to get very pissed on a night out. I worry about him getting home in one piece either in Uber from local towns or walking back in his own if local. He’s at sixth form so fully funded by us and often I have to wake him up hungover to get up for his weekend job otherwise he’ll sleep through alarm.

Don’t want to be overly controlling or wait up for him so just want to set my alarm for when he’s due home so I can either turn over and relax if he’s in safely or worry and check if he’s not. I also ask him to have fully charged phone before he goes out.

He feels this is a an imposition and should be able to come and go as he pleases and it’s my problem if I can’t sleep because I worry. I know he’s an adult by law but doesn’t act like it. But I just can’t to switch off and worry that he’ll come to harm (get hurt as incapacitated) and no one will know. His mates are all equally immature and feel invincible so can’t be relied on to look after each other.

I am a bit of a worrier and DH tells me he’ll be fine. AIBU? How do mothers of teenage ‘adults’ let go?

I'm not yet in your position but when I was 18 I had moved several hundred miles away from home so my parents had no idea when I was home or not.
I'm sure it was difficult and worrying for them but they didn't feel the need to constantly check up on me

At 18 they came and went as they pleased really but they were quite courteous and would usually send a text if they were staying out all night so I’d see it when I got up in the morning.

I ask mine to let me know as a courtesy. When he was younger, he was often later than he said he would be, so I used to that now - but I do like to know when he gets home. I usually hear him come in, but I ask him to text me when he's heading home so I know to listen out. I go to sleep but I don't rest that well til he's in (that's my problem, not his though).

I get up a lot in the night so we had a system where he had to shut two internal doors that were opposite each other. He always remembered to do it.

I sympathise- ds is 18 and I can't relax or sleep when he's out. I am mindful that he's an adult, despite still being dependent on me, so I haven't set curfews since he was around 16-17 but I do expect him to answer if I call or message, which he does though not necessarily immediately, though I don't do it often anyway.

BUT, he doesn't drink, has never been late for school or sport and never sleeps past 8. If he was getting pissed to the point he couldn't look after himself and sleeping in and giving me a hard time for waking him I would not put up with it.

You have to let go but that also means not giving him loads of fun money and letting him be late for stuff if he's not being appreciative.

He won’t know what time he’s going to be home, so no point asking before he leaves.

I think as a courtesy he could let you know if he’s sleeping at someone else’s house, so you don’t worry in the morning when he’s not there. As he’s still at school you could also have rules about weeknights, i.e. he shouldn’t be out during the week until the early hours if he’s got school and you have work the next day.

I sleep much better with DS being at Uni, he’s just home for Easter and I’ll be back to less sleep worrying if he’s in or not.

I wouldnt do what your doing Op. I know you love your son but he is technically old enough to be married with children. I dont mean to be at all disrespectful but getting him up when hes hung over to make sure he goes to work is not the right way to go. 18 or not he should have some sense of responsibility and it appears he hasnt. I would be stepping back and letting him get pissed and be late for work and face the consequences that go with it. Time he acted like the man he is, its on him to do this not you.

Your house, your rules. Simple as that. He could be 18 or 35 you are asking for some consideration as a person who lives with him. A valuable lesson to learn for when he (hopefully) has a partner and he considers their needs.

When I was that age, and even younger than that, my mum never knew what time I’d be home, or even if I’d come home. Sometimes I’d rock up the evening after. We didn’t have a phone in the house. No mobiles in those days. Can you imagine

I don’t know how I’ll cope as mine is only 6 and I’m a worrier! I’d want the tracking app so I knew where he was. I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I’d like to think he’d not be doing anything I didn’t want him to anyway!
I totally understand why you want to know where yours is given he’s irresponsible!

I let my husband know when I am leaving ( he does the same for me) basic respect and not tracking. Maybe he could text when he is on his way home? Would that be a good compromise?

DD is 18 and in sixth form. I ask that she texts me when she is leaving and when she gets home, which she has done so far (although sometimes these are v close together). That way if I wake up in the night to no text, I know if she is still out. I wouldn't want to set a time she has to be home, as I would prefer she came home with friends. Maybe it feels different with boys.

I understand. My daughter is 19 and now at uni. When she is there I obviously don’t know when she is home etc and that’s fine. But while at home, I do still wake and wonder if she is back yet. She doesn’t appear to get too drunk though (well not here any way!).

@Iwannakeepondancing aw bless you. I bet we all felt like that when our DCs were six, but you will be able to cope when the time comes!

Surely it’s common courtesy for everyone in the family home to give you an idea when they are going to be in.

Aldo because he is 18 doesn’t mean you have to be fully funding him. If he wants to be treated as an adult he can finance his social life

I wouldn’t be waking him up in the morning, let him deal with the fall out of what happens when he gets so drunk he can’t put on an alarm, currently there’s no consequences to not knowing the limits as you get him up and ready for the job that funds these nights out?
for nights out it’s a bit of both, he won’t always know what time, I guess a text of I’m heading home now could be the comprise?

Ds1 is almost 22, lived away for uni but home now and working to saving for a house. He sends a text when he is setting off home, it doesn't matter if he is out drinking with his mates or he has driven to someone's house. It is a courtesy to let us know. This is just so we know that he left town and at what point. There are too many stories of drunk men not making it home and he knows we would worry.

I also lived in a time before mobile phones as did many of us and did stay out but now see how worrying that would have been for my Mum. If I could have eased that worry I would have.

Yanbu

It's not about doing as he's told, it's about courtesy for those who's house he lives in

A simple text telling you his plans is not unreasonable x

I ask DD (19) to text me if she’s planning to stay over with someone. I also ask her to let me know if she’ll be back after midnight as we have an alarm so I won’t set it if she’s coming home late. She might not enter the code in time if she’s tipsy. 😂

She doesn’t have a problem with this, she knows that I’m not interfering in her life, I just care about her safety.

It's really hard- I totally get it.
Since DS turned 18 we had ground rules

Stick together with your friends and look out for each other
Take a taxi home and never walk home alone - we are only 2 miles from city centre but its dodgy as hell - I give him the fare home so he isn't 'wasting ' his own money.
Phone us if you are in trouble- you won't be told off we will help whatever has happened.
If you are not coming home make sure you are staying somewhere safe and text me so I know.

We have stuck to this for 4 yrs- he's early 20's and it has worked. He came in at 4am last weekend but never heard a thing. I used to lie in bed listening out but I've relaxed.
I was a nightmare from being 14ish - I've apologised to my mother!

This. May be 18, but still living in my house and being financed by me so I expected some common courtesy. Much easier when they were at uni (as others have said) because you have no idea where they are or what they are doing.😄
I would ask for a rough idea of when they might be home, and expect them to send me a text if they were going to be much later. I explained it was simply to keep me happy and stop me worrying. They (usually) texted.

I have kids a couple of years older than yours and my rule at 18 was that they would text as they were heading home or if they were going to sleep elsewhere that they would text to let me know once they knew. I would probably not hear it as I'd be hopefully asleep but if I did wake in the night and see that they had texted I'd feel bit better knowing thay should be home soon or that they will be home the next day. I'd hate to wake up in the morning and they'd not come home and I'd not know if anything had happened to them.

I’m a worrier, and am finding this stage tricky to navigate too. It’s new territory for me. Tonight I have no estimated time of coming home at present. She is on life360 and will respond to messages within a reasonable time frame. I won’t settle until she is home, but I know I can’t hold her back because of that. I know it would damage our relationship, and she is off to uni in September. I think without the odd message and tracking, I’d find it a lot harder.

This - a text to say on the way….then “home now”.

But I empathise - there’s no sweeter sound than that of their key in the door in the wee hours!