For my 18 year old son to let me know what time he’ll be home after night out

[95percentcocoa]

My son is immature and has a tendency to get very pissed on a night out. I worry about him getting home in one piece either in Uber from local towns or walking back in his own if local. He’s at sixth form so fully funded by us and often I have to wake him up hungover to get up for his weekend job otherwise he’ll sleep through alarm.

Don’t want to be overly controlling or wait up for him so just want to set my alarm for when he’s due home so I can either turn over and relax if he’s in safely or worry and check if he’s not. I also ask him to have fully charged phone before he goes out.

He feels this is a an imposition and should be able to come and go as he pleases and it’s my problem if I can’t sleep because I worry. I know he’s an adult by law but doesn’t act like it. But I just can’t to switch off and worry that he’ll come to harm (get hurt as incapacitated) and no one will know. His mates are all equally immature and feel invincible so can’t be relied on to look after each other.

I am a bit of a worrier and DH tells me he’ll be fine. AIBU? How do mothers of teenage ‘adults’ let go?

I don't ask my (very nearly) 18 year old for a time as I know I completely lose track of time on a night out and can easily be persuaded for just one more drink etc so I don't expect an 18 year old to be able to do better. I just ask that if he is going to go anywhere else other than back home at the end of the night he lets me know. I know when he's home because the dog thinks it's his job to let me know.

This isn't an age thing, it's a respect thing. When my 21 year old is staying at home (she's at uni) I expect her to tell me if she's coming home at night or staying out. It's not a hotel, I'm her mum. She doesn't want me to be worried. Have some rules! It's OK to expect this kind of respect in your relationship with your son.

My dc are 25 and 28. If they are staying with us, we ask them to message on a muted WA group to say if they are staying out/safely home. It is absolutely nothing to do with age, just consideration for others and common sense - I'd let dh know if I were unexpectedly late or staying elsewhere for some reason.

I put the hallway light on, he turns it off when he comes in. I can then tell when he's back without having to get up and check. Doesn't help me know when he's coming back, but it helps.

My DC are all adults and if staying with me they let me know roughly when they will be back and would text if plans changed.

Its not about control its about manners and consideration. If I were to go out whilst staying with friends and family I would also let them know when I'm likely to be back - its basic manners and consideration of your host. That is what we taught the DC and they saw us do the same when visiting eg grandparents

Mine will usually text if they're goingvto be late, but ring doorbell is great- I can check it in the morning and see that they came home!

life360 app? You can see where he is

I get mine to wattsapp in the family group when they get home

We did this too. Worked well. I didn't need to get up to check.

It’s basic courtesy to let the people you live with know what time you expect to be home and update them of any major deviations. It’s also a basic safety measure.

You should inform your son of your general plans and return times and he should keep you updated on his plans. That way no one has to worry and everyone has another person looking out for them. It’s good for families, flatmates, just anyone.

It's so much easier when they've moved out!

DS1 didn't go out before he went to Uni (Covid...) so I never worried about him as I wasn't there to worry!

DS2 has just started going out and although I'll easily nod off before he comes in, I will think about what time he'll be in as it affects us. When negoes to Uni in September, I won't think twice!

Mine sends a text to say he's on the bus back. DH always stays up till he gets back as he's happy to doze on the sofa. This is great for me as it means i can relax. Occasionally he's gone to pick them up if there's a problem with the bus. I don't see how being technically an adult makes a difference - he's still at school and we are still his parents. It's a gradual transition to independence.

Tbh yes you sound a pain in the arse.

Hes going to the pub not backpacking through Afghanistan. He will be back after closing time like most of the clientele.

Just go to bed.

Stop getting him up for work. He loses his job he won't be going out and getting pissed. He wants adult freedom, he has to take adult responsibility.

I could have written your post OP. My son is also 18 and I can't sleep until he is home. He is also in sixth form and has just started driving which is yet another worry, although he isn't silly enough to drink and drive so I suppose at least if he is driving he isn't drinking. He is out tonight and has to be up at 6am for work. It will be me setting my alarm to get him up. I don't know what the answer is really. Strangely my DD is only 10 months older than him but I never worried about her this much. Maybe because she had a lovely group of friends that would look out for each other that and the fact that she just seems so much more mature and sensible.

I should add that I do insist that he has Life 360 on his phone so at least I can see where he is. He isn't altogether happy about it but is prepared to accept the compromise.

My nearly 18 year old DD is very good about texting to let us know she's on her way home, I think it's fine for you to insist your DS does the same. We have Life360 on all our phones, which we've said DD can take off when she's 18, but she's insistent she wants to keep it as it "makes her feel safer".

I agree, @Ponderingwindow . DH and I are going out tomorrow night and we’ll let DS (16) know roughly when we’ll be back. He likely go out as well and he’ll let us know. It’s basic courtesy.

Mine are 18 and 19 and both always let me know what time they’re coming home and if I’m asleep they both let me know they’re back. I’ve often been out at 3/4am to pick up from clubs.

Both of mine are on snap maps. I don’t tend to look but if I wake up in the early hours I do check if they’re home. Neither if then have a problem with it .

YANBU and I can't believe so many voted that you are. In my house you always tell one another when you are coming home, and phone if there is a change of plan, whether you are male, female, age 16, 20, 49, 53 or 85.

My daughter is the same. Her friend left her in a club to go off with a boy a few weeks back. The club was miles away and it was handy to find her on snap maps after she phoned in tears. The club has students who act as welfare officers. They looked after her and even walked her to the car and checked we were her parents.

18 year old ‘adult’ or not. It’s simple respect. If he doesn’t know he can give a rough idea and or it is not hard to text you and say ‘likely to be home around 4am’ . If he’s regularly too drunk to text then he really needs to grow up and learn his limits.

would him simply knocking the door to your bedroom when he comes home be an option?

I imagine eh doesn’t know what time he’ll be home, and that’s why he doesn’t answer. I’m more than twice his age and couldn’t tell you what time I’d be home after clubbing

Funny you should mention this - I had a text from my DD this evening asking me to "rescue her" from a train station 5 miles away, after she'd witnessed some drunken idiots have a fight in her carriage. She was scared and so got off the train to get away from them, and was worried that getting on an even later train would only mean more drunken yobs. Luckily for her, I don't drink, so am always on hand for late night rescue missions, even on a Friday night! I do however worry about how she's going to cope when she's off travelling round Europe this summer, or when she heads off to uni in September... She is very mature and incredibly sensible, but is easily freaked out by the threat of confrontation, or around angry, shouty people. Hopefully the European trip (she's going with her girlfriend and 3 other similarly minded, sensible friends) will teach her a bit more resilience when Mother can't be there to save her!

@OliveWah When they’re at uni they call an Uber instead of the Mum taxi!