For my 18 year old son to let me know what time he’ll be home after night out

[95percentcocoa]

My son is immature and has a tendency to get very pissed on a night out. I worry about him getting home in one piece either in Uber from local towns or walking back in his own if local. He’s at sixth form so fully funded by us and often I have to wake him up hungover to get up for his weekend job otherwise he’ll sleep through alarm.

Don’t want to be overly controlling or wait up for him so just want to set my alarm for when he’s due home so I can either turn over and relax if he’s in safely or worry and check if he’s not. I also ask him to have fully charged phone before he goes out.

He feels this is a an imposition and should be able to come and go as he pleases and it’s my problem if I can’t sleep because I worry. I know he’s an adult by law but doesn’t act like it. But I just can’t to switch off and worry that he’ll come to harm (get hurt as incapacitated) and no one will know. His mates are all equally immature and feel invincible so can’t be relied on to look after each other.

I am a bit of a worrier and DH tells me he’ll be fine. AIBU? How do mothers of teenage ‘adults’ let go?

If they live away, you just have to trust and cross your fingers.

If they’re still living at home, an approx time, a promise that they definitely have their keys and a way home, and I’m happy to go to bed. DD18 always pops into my bedroom to whisper she’s home; I’m lucky that I can fall back asleep quickly so it works for us both.

This isn’t about being a grown up, or being free to come and go etc, it’s about courtesy to the people you live with and who care about you.
Let each other know! It’s kind, reduces worry and leads to more harmonious living.

All the other stuff- drinking, not waking for work… stop enabling this. Leave him to it, and he can deal with the consequences.

I’d ask him at what point should I start to worry that he isn’t home. 3am, 5am, 7am when do I think, hang on he could be in trouble.
As far as sleeping through his alarm, he has to learn and it’s not your job to wake him so leave him to it.

The problem is wiping there arse does them no favours
leave him to it if he misses his alarm let him face to consequences
As for stressing when there out I think it’s a bit unrealistic to expect them to check in and update you about them getting home there an adult

My daughter is nearly this age and our deal is she tells me where she’s going (as in what town), when she’s on her way home or alternatively, if she’s sleeping over someone else’s house.

I wouldn’t be waking her up for work if she’s had a messy night the night before more than once. She wants her own money to do as she likes with, she earns it herself. IMO your son needs to learn to get himself up for work regardless of feeling delicate in order to fund his social life. No job, no nights out.

Exactly what I would have done if mine had been like this. Fortunately DS24’s worst behaviour with driving was in our house at 17 and lets say he learned a lot from that incident … but it’s time yours faced some consequences. He seems to want to be treated like a responsible adult so he needs to accept the whole extent of that, including getting himself up for work.

Drinking, not driving!!

When my dds went out I asked them to be quiet letting themselves in and to keep themselves safe. I wouldn’t expect an eta as how would they know?? They are adults no one police’s then at uni.

Also his responsibility to get up for work. If he loses his job he won’t have drinking money

Must be honest I hated those few years when they were going out but still only college age. The sleepless nights! Everything you're experiencing now. I didnt put restrictions on but there were many nights when I would be texting saying ..where are you at 4am or whatever. I now see it as a right of passage and something we had to go through. The house is empty now so it all changed when they all moved out gradually. Just a phase to go through really OP. Hang in there

The way I look at it, there are 2 options.

1. he let's you know he's on his way home / home safely etc & you continue waking him for school/work etc.
2. he doesn't tell you about his movements & you no longer wake him & let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

I asked my sons to leave their bedroom door ajar when they went out so if I got up to the loo overnight I could see if they had come in as doors were then shut. It worked for us and meant I did go to sleep as I knew I could check if they were home if I had missed hearing them come in.

We have a rule that over 18s can come home when they want but must whatsapp to say they are in. I go to bed as usual but if I wake up worried I check my phone and can see if they're home. This is the compromise for no curfew, if they forget they go back to having a curfew. It generally works well, and they've only forgotten once or twice

After writing that post I went to bed to be woken at 4am because she’s lost her house keys while out. I’ve been awake ever since worrying that someone is going to let themselves in during the night 🙄😂

I posted below saying he should let you know when he's in/if he's staying out (we use Whats app on a silent setting).

I think the other things are different though.

While I agree in principle with pp about waking him, this is very standard for kids his age. My dc both needed support in different ways with their first jobs but they learned a lot and are now fully fledged grown ups managing well with responsible jobs. Losing your job at that age can really throw you. So, I would be waking him too, slightly shiftily, but make sure he knows it is not for ever and you not having to do that will be a sign of his maturity.

Telling you what time he will be back - I wouldn't bother as their plans change every two minutes and it will stress you both out - unless there is a specific reason.

The whole group being immature and not able to take care of each other would worry me and that would make it harder for me to "let go". The other stuff should either be temporary or easily resolved practically.