niece ghosting us now she's found her real dad

[DooWapDooWap]

Names are not real..

My niece (Bree) is 25. She's biologically my step-niece although my brother (Adam) was never married to her mum (Emma). Bree was 18 months old when Adam met Emma. Bree was the result of a holiday fling and her bio dad gave Emma fake contact details so she had no way of finding him to tell him about the pregnancy.

Adam brought Bree up as his own. He has no children of his own.
When Bree was 12, Adam and Emma split up but Adam still saw Bree regularly and she stayed over at his house every weekend.

Fast forward to 3 years ago and Bree did an ancestry dna and discovered a half sibling. Last year she met with her bio family. They are about 3 hours from us so she doesn't seem them that often but has been been on holiday with them and spent Christmas with them.

My poor brother doesn't see anything of her anymore. He brought that girl up as his own. He's done absolutely nothing wrong but she hasn't spoken to him since February. Bree moved in with her boyfriend in January and she never have Adam her new address. He knows the town she's in but not the address and she doesn't answer her phone to him or anything. Same for me and my mum, who treated her like a grandchild. She's completely ghosted us.

None of us have contact info for Emma

Am I, or are we, being unreasonable to be upset and hurt that she's dropped us?

Cut her some slack, she’s enjoying having new found relatives.

Reach out to her in a couple of months, the novelty should have worn off bybthen.

Bio dad, not 'real' dad.

She’s 25! Living her life wrapped up in a new man and new family. She’ll be back.

Send her some money! Usually does the trick.

Unfortunately that’s not a rare occurrence even with adoption where the child live with one or none of the biological often once the biological is found the adoptive parent/s can be either slowly pushed out of dropped like a hot turd only required when the now adult child needs/wants something.

People like to say biological means nothing but actually often there is a strong built in desire to be with your own so to speak especially if you haven’t been able to grow up as one of them.

Just wanted to comment on this.

I have five adopted children (now all adults in their 30s) and none of them have ever acted this way. Several have found biological half siblings but we have all become one happy family. None of them have wanted to have a relationship with their biological parents or exclude us or each other.

I have also been a foster carer for many years, and although several now adult young people have reconnected with their families they have continued to remain part of our family too. Only one child left at 18 to return to their family, they came back "home" (their words) within months.

So although your scenario may happen, it has not happened in my particular experience.

Did she know your DB wasn't her bio dad?

If not, you have to try and see it through her eyes. She's likely found out her full life has been a lie.

If she did know, she's an adult and in the position of meeting her new relatives and learning where she comes from. It's a lot to process. She will still be balancing her new relationship with her boyfriend and juggling work and everything else. Your parents are really not a priority at that age. She is out there exploring the world. She will reach out when she's ready.

Unfortunately her shit Dad will show his true colours soon enough.

I think all you can do is wait. Is she on any social media?

She's always known my brother isn't her bio dad

The relationship with her boyfriend isn't new.. they've been together since they were 16 but only just moved in together.

I think that’s pretty shitty behaviour. She’s plenty old enough to know better and to appreciate all your brother and your family have done for her. I don’t blame you for being hurt.

I reconnected with my biological father years later after he disappeared when I was 3 - I didn’t then bin off my step father (also ex). He was the one to walk me down the aisle in recognition of the role he played in my life. Any man can be a sperm donor and sounds like hers had no interest if he gave her mum fake bloody details.

Of course YANBU to be upset - that's very hurtful. Hopefully at some point she will realise and appreciate what Adam gave her.

Of course it's not unreasonable to feel hurt for your brother. It must be difficult for him. But she is an adult and free to choose who she spends time with. She may have reasons you're not aware of. I would stay out of it and hope that they will reconcile at some point.

can you maybe have a family event over Easter and invite her and the boyfriend? Have a big catch up and gift her something for her first home?

I don’t understand why you’re saying she’s ’biologically your step niece’ when he’s not the biological dad and they’ve never been married.

she’s not related to YOU at all

however she’s your niece because she’s been in your family all these years and your brother is the father figure that brought her up.

none of you are unreasonable to be hurt , hopefully she will come back and she now just has more people to love her

Yes, that's awful for your brother. All those years of care and she wants to spend time with a man who gave her mother fake contact details. Perhaps she is more like him than you might think. Her biological father though is a man she would be best not to rely on overmuch. I wouldn't do anything about her but maybe spend a bit more time with your brother - invite for dinner or some outing.

Yes, thank you for responding to this.

I am adopted.
I met my birth parents when I was a teen and I never felt any sort of desire to be "with them" and not my mother, the person who raised me.

The only thing in common we had was DNA. If I had passed them on the street I never would have known.

Blood means nothing at all and I think it's strange the people who act like it does.

Finding your biological family does bring a lot of questions and it is important for some people to meet and get to know them.... But to disrespect your parents, the people who raised you is shocking.

Love is action. It is proving day in and day out in practical ways that you care for someone.

Having sex with a woman and producing a child does indeed make you a legal father, but you cannot eb a true parent without doing some actual damn parenting.

My sister was adopted from another family. She sees her biological family a couple of times a year, but again, she doesn't see them as her "real" anything. They have just become like cousins or extended family.

PPs comment really doesn't reflect my experience or that of anyone I know who is adopted.

That’s disgusting behaviour from her . The Apple didn’t fall far from the tree . She’s just like her old man . Sometimes on mumsnet the step grandparents get roasted for not treating step grandchildren as their own biological grandchildren but this is the reason why for many of them . They can just walk out of their lives any day .

Her bio father didn't even know she existed. He was hardly a terrible father who abandoned a young child

YANBU at all to be hurt and upset , but she is quite young and plenty of people older and wiser than her act in similar ways in situations like this. There will be a lot of mixed feelings, questions of loyalty and possibly, some undue influence from the new family. All you can do is let the dust settle and hope that once she gets her head around all of this and grows a bit she comes back to it. Keep messaging occasionally, keep it casual and simple and offer a casual meetup every now and then.

Mine neither, 4 kids (well, adults now) who were all adopted separately and have no desire at all to meet their birth parents.

Same with step kids (in their 30s and 40s) who are estranged from mum.

Anecdotally it’s about a 50/50 split for the people I know

I think some people meet their biological families and do feel a very quick affinity for each other. I mean looking at families in general there are often very similar personalities, I can see how this happens for some people.

It's why I don't judge extended families that don't just throw themselves into treating say step grandkids the same straight away. It's complicated and there are no guarantees that they'll be in each others lives if there is a split.

The sperm donor is likely to have lied to Bree and told her that her mother kept them apart or he had no idea he had a daughter. This will buy him a lot of kudos in the short term. There's lots of highly emotive family bonding going on right now. If I were your brother, I would send one message saying I love you and me and my family will always be here for you anytime. It's a long game.

This is really sad for you and your family. I think (hope) she will re-establish contact with you at some point when she matures. She’s just found lots of new family, that must be pretty mind blowing. It’s tough for you all right now though. Give her some space to figure all this all in her own time but keep the lines of loving communication open.

It doesn't exactly sound like he's lied about not knowing about her- he gave the mother fake contact details so she couldn't get in touch with him

This.
Stop trying to contact her.
Give her space, lots of it!

Painful but hassling her will change nothing.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person. I can understand her being excited about meeting her biological family but to just drop your brother after everything he has done for her is just cruel.

There isn't anything you can do, but just support your brother and make sure he isn't left isolated now that his step-daughter has abandoned him.