niece ghosting us now she's found her real dad

[DooWapDooWap]

Names are not real..

My niece (Bree) is 25. She's biologically my step-niece although my brother (Adam) was never married to her mum (Emma). Bree was 18 months old when Adam met Emma. Bree was the result of a holiday fling and her bio dad gave Emma fake contact details so she had no way of finding him to tell him about the pregnancy.

Adam brought Bree up as his own. He has no children of his own.
When Bree was 12, Adam and Emma split up but Adam still saw Bree regularly and she stayed over at his house every weekend.

Fast forward to 3 years ago and Bree did an ancestry dna and discovered a half sibling. Last year she met with her bio family. They are about 3 hours from us so she doesn't seem them that often but has been been on holiday with them and spent Christmas with them.

My poor brother doesn't see anything of her anymore. He brought that girl up as his own. He's done absolutely nothing wrong but she hasn't spoken to him since February. Bree moved in with her boyfriend in January and she never have Adam her new address. He knows the town she's in but not the address and she doesn't answer her phone to him or anything. Same for me and my mum, who treated her like a grandchild. She's completely ghosted us.

None of us have contact info for Emma

Am I, or are we, being unreasonable to be upset and hurt that she's dropped us?

Yanbu to be upset, your brother has been essentially rejected by someone that he lovea and thought loved him.

However I think some PP are being harsh about the bio dad, implying he is a shit dad because he had nothing to do with his child and gave the mum a fake number. Or comparing the situation to adpotion - its not the same if he didnt know he had a child, there was no 'rejection' of the child only the mum who he didnt know was pregnant.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, I don't think it would be that unusual for a young person on holiday to give their holiday fling a fake contact number, and doesn't mean they don't deserve a relationship with their child. It must have been quite a big thing for your niece and her bio dad to meet each other and could give rise to huge emotions particularly if they get on very well. And these emotions might override common sense for a while.

How did your brother act when he found out? Most people's natural reactions would be worry and concern and possibly jealousy, the 'but im your real dad' feeling. Is it possible she sensed this and felt like he wasnt supportive enough of her natural wish to find her bio father, or that he wasn't happy for her? He needs to be careful not to make it about him

I'd maybe write her a letter saying he understands if she doesn't want to see him right now but he cares for her and will always be there when she wants to reconnect. Tell her he is happy for her that she has found her bio dad but he hopes there is space in her life for both of them and it would be lovely to see her when she ia ready. Don't say anything about how he sees her as a daughter or he has been more of a dad to her or anything as that might make her feel like she has to choose. Don't say anything about his emotions on the subject or it might drive her away.

Other options - is he still on good terms with his ex, could he get her to have a word and see what the reason is? Or the boyfriend if they've been together a long time he likely knows him?

If he's only not heard from her since February that seems like no time at all to process this. A few weeks of a no doubt busy young life, moving in with a significant other as well as a whole new section of family to explore isn't yet the same as having intentionally dropped out of his life completely.

I like the above suggestion of inviting her for Easter and gifting something for their new place, if this isn't something she can commit to try the next month. Keep it light and friendly so she knows you're all there for her without pressure.

My (young adult) DD had a lot of upheaval when her beloved step dad's new flame changed the dynamics of their relationship, I didn't hear from her very much for a long while, I think she didn't want to hurt me by venting about it. I kept it light, no demands, of course I was a little hurt she couldn't talk to me about it but she did have support elsewhere. She's back to her lovely self again now, can even joke about the whole experience.

I hope your DN gets through it soon for you all x

I think you need to see it from your ‘niece’’s POV. She dealt with the end of her mother and ‘stepdad’’s relationship at a difficult age, probably had complex responses to her stepdad staying in her life after he’d split from her mother added to the normal teenage stuff (hard to rebel against someone people think you’re supposed to be ‘grateful’ to for bringing you up, and aware of a biological father somewhere out there in the world who doesn’t know you exist), now she’s a young adult in a new relationship living at a distance in a new place with a recently discovered biological family who are clearly welcoming.

You say she hasn’t spoken to Adam since January — that’s only a couple of months ago. I’m sure there were times in my mid-20s when I wasn’t in touch with my parents much because I was off living my life. That didn’t mean I wasn’t fond of them. I can absolutely appreciate why Adam is hurt, and I think all you can do is support him, and not be overly melodramatic about ‘ghosting’. She’s dropped out of touch for a couple of months aged 25, newly living with her boyfriend.

And I would lay off on all that obligation language — he ‘treated her like his own’ and ‘he brought her up’ and your mother ‘treated her like a grandchild’. Therefore she ‘owes’ you all? Maybe she’s just musing on the weirdness and arbitrariness of it all. She was conceived during a holiday fling with a man who (apparently) gave false contacts, she was brought up between 1 and 12 by her mother’s boyfriend, whom she continued to see after the end of the relationship, and now tech has given her a new biological family. Maybe she’s finding that attractively straightforward. Or it’s giving her complicated emotions about her own upbringing. It’s quite a lot.

I was an adult when I managed to track down my biological father.

For quite some afterwards I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with anything else.

Yanbu to feel hurt by not heating from her for a couple of months, but spare a thought as to what she is going through as well.

I would just make sure she knows the lines of communication are open when she gets her head around everything, and she will be back.

I'm afraid that she just used your brother as a place holder. I'd ensure she's always welcome and leave the lines of communication open. However I'd change my will and not leave her anything, as she's made it clear we're not family now.

I feel for Adam.

My adopted DS made contact with his birth family a year or two ago and to start with he was seeing them all the time, constantly talking about them etc. It was really hard, especially social media posts of him with his birth mum.

One big difference is that he was still living with us and he was aware he ended up in care because of their actions/behaviours so in his mind they weren't replacing us. He was clear, we are mum and dad. He knew they were highly unlikely to support him the way we did/do.

In Adam's case, he is no longer with her birth mum, so the relationship has stretched a bit.

But a lot is happening in her life recently, meeting birth dad, moving in with boyfriend etc. She may not be ghosting you, just hasn't got round to getting in touch.

Does Adam have any contact details at all? Phone number, social media posts? Could he do a quick message to say hope you settling in ok in your new home, fancy a coffee one day, would be nice to see you.

You’re not unreasonable to be upset and hurt but she’s also not necessarily being unreasonable as separated step families are complex things and Theres now other factors at play with meeting her biological family. There’s nothing you can do to force the relationship back again and anything you try would most likely have the opposite effect. I would suggest your brother send her a message saying he and his family will always love her and she always has a place in the family if she needs or wants it but he understands the difficult situation from her perspective.

He might not be a shit Dad? He didn’t know she existed? He may have been a shit one night stander but that doesn’t necessarily mean shit Dad does it?

She will return, the same happened with my friends brother, they are both adopted from different parents. Both had a wonderful family, but when the bio family found him, he was all for them, revelled in the similarities etc, but after around 2 years he settled and calmed down and came back into the fold. He was the same age as your as your niece.
You can understand it as she will be seeing likenesses, physically and otherwise. She is young and has a new place and boyfriend too.
Just keep your arms open and don't make her feel guilty, she won't stop loving you all

It sounds like a lot of separate issues tbh. Not all families are close and in each other’s pockets, and it’s fairly normal for young people to have much less contact with their parents once they’ve left home and moved in with their partner. Bree’s experience of your brother as a dad might not be quite as rosy and wonderful as the rest of the family think him - and as he’s no longer in a relationship with her mum, there isn’t even that link between them any more.

The biological family sound like a bit of a red herring in the story: you say she doesn’t live close to or see much of them, either. But they’re new people in her life who she wants to build a relationship with, very probably distancing from any maligning her mum and co have done about her bio dad being a “shit dad” when he couldn’t have hoped to have been anything else because he didn't know she existed.

Used your brother as a place holder ??

What does this mean? She was a child who had no choice who her mother was in a relationship with

But he gave fake contact details to the bio mother. Hardly the action of a man who would want to be involved in any subsequent pregnancy.

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel upset but you need to consider it from her point of view. Her real father did nothing wrong, it’s not like he abandoned her or knew she existed so it’s fair for them to want to get to know each other and spend time together. It’s also a lot to process, if they just spoke in February then she’s only really had March where she’s not spoken to him, I would say that’s a pretty reasonable amount of time to go without speaking to an ex step-father? Especially if she’s processing everything that’s going on. I think your brother needs to give her space I think pestering her is only going to push her further away, I also think you maybe need to leave this one to your brother I’m not sure it’s your situation to be getting involved in, even if you’re hurt. Hopefully it’s just a distant period and doesn’t last long x

Just keep inviting her by text or WhatsApp to your family meet ups

Your right to be hurt, don't chase her though.

They don’t have an address for her. That’s the point.

It was a holiday fling possibly a ONS, details are easily miscommunicated. Dave from Newcastle and one digit wrong isn't necessarily the proven trait of a child maintenance dodger.

Even if op tries to see from her eyes, it does not change the fact it is hurtful being ghosted by someone you raise like your own child.
Best is to accept that this girl does not view them as their family and do not act like one.

In my experience this is very common with a lot of my fellow adopters. I think you've been lucky

This is so sad and I can absolutely see why your brother and others would be hurt.

He is her parent, regardless of biology and he is of course going to miss the child that he’s raised for 20+ years.

But she’s also at quite a difficult stage in her life where she’s getting to know her biological family, be in a relationship and find who she is as a person too.

I would keep reaching out to her in a very relaxed way and don’t push her into having contact or seeing you/your brother.

She will likely come around again once she’s learnt how to balance everything.

My friend was raised by her single parent mother her entire life.

When she was 19/20 her dad got in contact and she immediately dropped her mum and believed his lies of being refused access etc.

She finally saw him for what he was and came back to her mum when he dropped her.

She acted awfully but I think she had been so desperate to know who her bio dad was for years that she did anything she could to keep him.

Please stop slagging her off. She is just a kid, still, with complicated feelings about the father figure in her life. No one knows her experience. And certainly not enough to call her out as a “shitty” person on the basis of the OP’s post.

Ok she's still young but 25 is not "just a kid"

Don’t wait for her with open arms. She’s 25 and an adult, she knows what she’s doing. Let her go as hard as it is, she will realise her mistake in time and then it will be too late to run to the people that she treated so badly. She’s shown her true colours. Sorry for your family though op.

True. But this cuts the other way, really. She has had “Adam” in her life for her entire life but now, as an adult, she wants to cut him off or at least wants to go low contact? Why shouldn’t that be respected?