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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

niece ghosting us now she's found her real dad

56 replies

DooWapDooWap · 04/04/2025 19:19

Names are not real..

My niece (Bree) is 25. She's biologically my step-niece although my brother (Adam) was never married to her mum (Emma). Bree was 18 months old when Adam met Emma. Bree was the result of a holiday fling and her bio dad gave Emma fake contact details so she had no way of finding him to tell him about the pregnancy.

Adam brought Bree up as his own. He has no children of his own.
When Bree was 12, Adam and Emma split up but Adam still saw Bree regularly and she stayed over at his house every weekend.

Fast forward to 3 years ago and Bree did an ancestry dna and discovered a half sibling. Last year she met with her bio family. They are about 3 hours from us so she doesn't seem them that often but has been been on holiday with them and spent Christmas with them.

My poor brother doesn't see anything of her anymore. He brought that girl up as his own. He's done absolutely nothing wrong but she hasn't spoken to him since February. Bree moved in with her boyfriend in January and she never have Adam her new address. He knows the town she's in but not the address and she doesn't answer her phone to him or anything. Same for me and my mum, who treated her like a grandchild. She's completely ghosted us.

None of us have contact info for Emma

Am I, or are we, being unreasonable to be upset and hurt that she's dropped us?

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/04/2025 12:58

SALaw · 05/04/2025 11:11

He might not be a shit Dad? He didn’t know she existed? He may have been a shit one night stander but that doesn’t necessarily mean shit Dad does it?

Show quote history

He gave fake contract details, totally a shit Dad.

YankSplaining · 05/04/2025 13:02

Was there a reason why Adam and Emma never got married, or why Adam never adopted Bree?

soupyspoon · 05/04/2025 13:07

musicinme · 04/04/2025 19:41

Just wanted to comment on this.

I have five adopted children (now all adults in their 30s) and none of them have ever acted this way. Several have found biological half siblings but we have all become one happy family. None of them have wanted to have a relationship with their biological parents or exclude us or each other.

I have also been a foster carer for many years, and although several now adult young people have reconnected with their families they have continued to remain part of our family too. Only one child left at 18 to return to their family, they came back "home" (their words) within months.

So although your scenario may happen, it has not happened in my particular experience.

Show quote history

Your experience is not typical for adoption and certainly not within fostering

Unfortunately some foster carers and adopters do like to believe that biological family is something their children arent interested in, or wont be drawn to or curious about. The research on this doesnt support that, children/adults will nearly always been drawn back, either directly or at least to want to explore and investigate and understand it. Pretending its not a part of them and that they're not the children of their biological family does no one any favours.

Children who are fostered and/or adopted have a whole family with them that needs to be recognised.

Reddog1 · 05/04/2025 13:08

I honestly think that she just needs time. She’s just bought a place with her partner and found her bio relatives. All that on top of (presumably, at 25) a job and a whirl of a social life. She’ll be back in touch.

soupyspoon · 05/04/2025 13:11

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 05/04/2025 11:01

I was an adult when I managed to track down my biological father.

For quite some afterwards I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with anything else.

Yanbu to feel hurt by not heating from her for a couple of months, but spare a thought as to what she is going through as well.

I would just make sure she knows the lines of communication are open when she gets her head around everything, and she will be back.

Exactly, what a massive mental shift for everyone to try to deal with, so everyone needs a bit of space here. OP will feel hurt and upset but needs to put it in the context of the nieces emotions, she probably doesnt even know what she feels at the moment.

SALaw · 05/04/2025 14:10

@DisforDarkChocolatenot in the context of knowing about the pregnancy?

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