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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Young adults are hard work!

64 replies

Sarahab82 · 04/04/2025 16:02

Is it just me or does anyone less with older teens/young adult children find it a lot harder and stressful nowadays then when they were little kids? My children are 18 and 20 and I worry about them so much more now then I ever have before, and if I’m honest as much as I love watching them becoming the people they are I feel incredibly stressed all the time to the point I need a good old break from them- is it truly big kids big problems? I feel awful to say this but if I knew the stress and worry having them I’m not sure I’d of wanted to go down the parent route- scary to say and I truly wouldn’t swap them for the world, but my goodness I thought it would be easier now they are older x thank you for letting me get this off my chest

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 04/04/2025 16:56

Not me.
I love mine as young adults. So proud of the people they have become.

Soooooooooooo much easier than the baby stage and toddler stage and small child stage.

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 04/04/2025 16:59

Imo, baby/toddler/preschool stages were harder physical work; but teens are harder emotionally. I didn’t believe people, who told me that, when they were toddlers; but I believed them when they got to the teens!

TeenLifeMum · 04/04/2025 17:01

I’m not sure it’s harder as such just different worries. You also have to accept you can’t fix everything and they have to make their own decisions and live their life without you controlling it. Dd is going to Italy tomorrow and even though she went on the ski trip age 15 with school, this feels different because she’s 17 and will have free time in the cities etc. I want her to have an amazing time but I’ll sleep better when she’s home! I also worry her relationship breakup (if it happens) will hit her hard because she’s so in love. But I don’t worry about cot death and choking on grapes at a friend’s house anymore.

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/04/2025 17:02

My parents definitely did not worry about me when I was that age

almostbloody50 · 04/04/2025 17:03

I was told many many years ago by a random German guy at the side of the pool in a eurocamp… “small children small problems, big children big problems”

He was so lovely came over as my now 18 year old was about 18 months a being a pest!!

I’ve always remembered him and his very wise words. Ans OP please don’t feel shame in finding this age hard, parenting at all ages is very hard and I don’t think anyone would ever do it if we were told the whole truth.

skippy67 · 04/04/2025 17:06

CarpetKnees · 04/04/2025 16:56

Not me.
I love mine as young adults. So proud of the people they have become.

Soooooooooooo much easier than the baby stage and toddler stage and small child stage.

Agreed!

littlemissprosseco · 04/04/2025 17:06

There are different problems at different ages. Try to find the positives at them all, or you’ll go under!

VoopNeVesta · 04/04/2025 17:10

I think the main things that worry me about my young adult children is them being mugged when they go to London with work so on the tube etc but they know to keep their phone in their zipped pocket and keep their wits about them. We tend to overuse Mad-Eye Moody "Constant Vigilance!" phrase.

Another one is when they are out in our city centre at night with their mates because someone is always looking for a fight. I worry about them being seriously hurt.

I suppose my biggest worry is them getting on the property ladder. That is it really. There are massive positives for us. Ds1 has a great job post uni, Ds2 is at uni just home for holidays. They are savers, money aware, sweet, kind and caring men. Rooms are tidy, they do their own laundry, cook family dinners which they are doing again tonight.

They can be reasoned with and we have great talks, they get all the jokes, are great at banter, share mad internet things with us, do silly drawings on the shopping list and we watch tv shows that we also love as opposed to the shite we had to sit through years ago. I find it so much easier than the frustrating (for them) toddler years. I don't feel as though I am on duty constantly which I used to when they were young. I always looks for the positives.

Gogogo12345 · 04/04/2025 17:10

Oh no mine were much more interesting and fun as teens. But think I'm just not fond of small children

Lavender14 · 04/04/2025 17:10

Not a parent of teens yet so maybe I'll change my mind in future! But I imagine at those ages there's a big shift in the dynamics of your relationship with your children. They are now adults and you move from a parenting role into more of a supportive friendish role which means watching them make and then learn from their own (possibly bigger as they take on more responsibility) mistakes. I imagine that's a really difficult shift to navigate. I know my mother and father still try to parent me the way they did when I was 15 or 16 even though its now 20 years later and to be honest, their inability to manage their own anxiety over my life (a life I'm quite content with and am secure in) can at times really damage the relationship we have because I no longer need to be parented in that way. What I would love is their support and encouragement and their friendship as people but they seem to be very stuck in that parenting teenagers mindset. To be honest, the way you describe yours as old teens young adults makes me wonder if you're seeing yours in a similar way. They are just adults now. I'm sure you never completely start worrying but I guess this is the time where you have to start trusting them and trusting that you raised them to be independent and capable and try to enjoy the bonding as adults aspect of it

ByMerryKoala · 04/04/2025 17:11

My late teens are an absolute breeze. They had their baby days set on hard-as-nails mode and it's only ever got easier.

Youaremythtaken · 04/04/2025 17:12

Is there anything specific worrying you?

I found it hard when they started driving, went to uni, started going to the pub etc but it did get better in time. I rarely worry about the 20 yo now.

Screamingabdabz · 04/04/2025 17:16

My worries for them are more significant because I guess the stakes are higher - eg. I worry my girls will get spiked on a night out, or my son will break down on a smart motorway. When they were younger it all seemed to be about school friendships, after school club rotas and ear infections!

Life is easier but the worries are bigger.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 04/04/2025 17:20

Easy dc are well easy... Ime add in undiagnosed issues like ASD, depression likely caused by Long Covid and twat cheating partners and your easy dc can become adults to worry about..

boysmuminherts · 04/04/2025 17:25

100% much more difficult now

as babies and toddlers and primary school children you just had to feed them, play with them and talk to them. Now it's all big life important stuff.

Octavia64 · 04/04/2025 17:38

Mine were much harder as teens.

but one developed a serious autoimmune illness and has struggled ever since so I do worry about her health.

MissyB1 · 04/04/2025 17:43

boysmuminherts · 04/04/2025 17:25

100% much more difficult now

as babies and toddlers and primary school children you just had to feed them, play with them and talk to them. Now it's all big life important stuff.

Yes it's this. The baby /toddler/primary school years were straightforward, tiring but not rocket science.
The teen /young adult stages are scary and stressful because it's high stakes.

EmeraldDreams73 · 04/04/2025 17:58

Agree with the higher stakes thing (mine are now 20 and 16). I found the baby stage unbelievably hard, toddlers quite tough, then primary school was the golden era for me.
Secondary really hard, then driving and uni for dd1 has stressed me out a LOT. She's been on the road for nearly 3 years now and is an excellent driver but I panic (inwardly) whenever I know she's driving. Far better not knowing! She's (undiagnosed) definitely ASD too which is giving plenty of challenges around self esteem and (lack of) relationships when all her peers are out shagging and having fun.

I think/hope I'll be less anxious when they're "proper" adults and self supporting, but it's emotionally very tough atm and has been since the secondary years.

SmithfamilyRobinson · 04/04/2025 18:02

Yeah as young adults - MH problems, jobs, girl friends, drugs, driving, money.
And the arguing with DH about how to parent with the background of bereavement and redundancy (and two breakdowns - not me).
Yes we are getting counselling 🙄as no one teaches you how to cope with all this. We were definitely happier with shuttling them between clubs/childcare and getting them through GCSEs and A levels, thereafter you join a whole new world of stress!

YouOKHun · 04/04/2025 18:29

I have found the young adult stage unbelievably challenging but there has been a big difference between one DC who does all the standard worrying things like driving, gap year travel, going off to University and the odd slightly iffy decision; all par for the course, and another of my children who has ADHD and has been very chaotic and has made some choices and continues to make choices that are very concerning.

She’s a young adult and has to stand on her own two feet but it doesn’t stop me lying awake at night wondering where I went wrong and longing for the days when the problems were a simple little suspension from school or refusing to go to sleep at night as a toddler. But I know there were many battles I’ve forgotten.

She’s lovely and I love her dearly but she has aged me and DH and it’s the hardest thing in the world to have a legal adult who needs more support but doesn’t think they do.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/04/2025 18:34

Mine are 17 and 19 and very easy. I think 14 or 15 is the trickiest age. Mine weren't too bad at that age, but I teach teenagers...

Wishyouwerehere50 · 04/04/2025 18:36

It's totally relatable for many. If there are MH issues, Neurodivergence, or say ND conditions you didn't realise they even had then the wheels fall off come teen years! If they're more dependant naturally, have health struggles. Yes, this will be a different life to many others.

By 15 I was virtually parenting myself. Not great really but I just had to deal with it. We were off on holiday abroad alone getting drunk, partying in foreign islands. We only needed a signature from our parents as consent. I couldn't even manage monopoly money at the time. God knows how I survived and made it home.

It's not like that anymore though. I'm not going to blame parents for this as the world is just different now. I do ponder it though and wonder how our own kids would respond to situations we were dumped in alone growing up.

Differentstarts · 04/04/2025 18:51

Yanub I'm not at that stage with mine but honestly dreading it based on how I was and people around me with older teens now. I can deal with toddler tantrums but to deal with abusive relationships, teen pregnancy, drugs and alcohol, mh, self harm is a whole different story iv spent many a night in a&e with a teenage niece due to overdosing and also repeatedly gone with a neighbour to pick up teen daughter as her boyfriend has beat her up again. There is literally no help or support for this stuff. It's hard when older teens make dumb decisions because there is literally nothing you can do about it except repeatedly pick up the pieces

Original poster
Sarahab82 · 04/04/2025 19:05

Thank you thank you thank you … sat tears in my eyes reading your comments, gosh how we can relate to each other, I can feel your worry (so proud of them but so much worry it’s scary, them primary years do feel like a breeze) at least now I know I’m not an absolute weirdo of a parent for feeling so confused on how to let go, it is a great time and they really are such fun but there’s no escaping it’s a damn hard time. my daughter had major surgery at the start of the year and I think with getting her back out in the real world, surrounded what feels like danger (driving, clubbing, uni, dating, possible spikings, whether they have nice friends, good mental health… the list is endless!) has taken its toll. I just wish I knew how to relax

OP posts:
FoodieToo · 04/04/2025 19:24

Oh I love the teens and young adults !! Anything under 10 is hard work .
Love the company of my 5 but goodness they are SO expensive !