Young adults are hard work!

[Sarahab82]

Is it just me or does anyone less with older teens/young adult children find it a lot harder and stressful nowadays then when they were little kids? My children are 18 and 20 and I worry about them so much more now then I ever have before, and if I’m honest as much as I love watching them becoming the people they are I feel incredibly stressed all the time to the point I need a good old break from them- is it truly big kids big problems? I feel awful to say this but if I knew the stress and worry having them I’m not sure I’d of wanted to go down the parent route- scary to say and I truly wouldn’t swap them for the world, but my goodness I thought it would be easier now they are older x thank you for letting me get this off my chest

To be honest I do worry a lot about our teenager but that's because I'm a good parent.
My mum moved abroad when I was 16 and left me to get on with it. I could have/did do some really risky things with no adults around. As it was I've turned out very independent and self sufficient. Yeah I got into quite a lot of debt as I had no idea how to budget (Martin Lewis taught me later on). But that's not the worst that could have happened.

Our son doesn't really drink which i was definitely doing at his age and some nights was so drunk I definitely wasn't safe to be on my own. So whatever I do with him as a parent somehow seems to work. We've been through some really really tough months in the last year but he's working now and that seems to have sorted a lot of issues.

I find regular meals out just me and him without his dad or sibling help to get him talking about what is going on.

Ds is now 20 and so much easier.

Works drives saves goes out. Goes on holidays abroad.

No comparison to when he was younger.

I've typed a massive post and not posted as I think it was outing.
Letting them be adult was the scariest time for us. You want them to be independent and make their own choices! But they are still that baby you brought home all those years ago.
I left home at 18 and never went back and my mum said to me (years later) she was relieved as she didn't lie in bed waiting to hear my key in the lock and know I was safely home.
Our DS still lives at home and when he got to 18 and started going out for a drink in town I too would lie in bed listening out. Never told him this.
I'm confident and happy he makes the right choices 4 years later- we all have a great relationship - often go out for lunch still on Saturdays and he buys me a cocktail or 2!

Mine are 17 and 20, and no trouble at all. DS has been away for 3yrs for uni so limited worrying about him. Has a job lined up; very motivated. DD is doing A levels, very much a home bod. I do worry about her more; due to low confidence / shyness but both of them never cause me any problems. Very fortunate (as opposed to some super parent!)

OP my son is about to turn 18 and I have definitely found the teen years harder than anything apart from maybe the first 3 months and I had severe postnatal depression then. You’re not alone! The stakes are basically higher as others have said. And I think it doesn’t help that we tend to be perimenopausal around the same time.

In a conversation with my own mother a few years ago the penny dropped for me that they don’t hit 18 and then they’re no longer a child and you can relax and totally stop being a parent, which I had somehow naively assumed somewhere for some reason…

So I think I’m taking it more in my stride now having realised that it’s normal to worry about your kids for the rest of your life once you’re a mother really (to a degree). I’m in my forties and my mum still worries about me, in my job I’ve spoken to 90somethings worried about their 60 or 70something child.

My son is 18 and fabulous and great company but yes parenting this stage is stressful. For example he was out last night. First proper night out drinking with friends for one of them’s 18th and staying at a mates. Was worried about him getting too drunk, leaving his bag, being sick on the bus etc but of course they were all fine. I could not relax until I knew they were back! There is so much other new stuff going on too. His first proper girlfriend recently started staying over. Luckily he does talk to me and is happy to be tracked as mostly it means he doesn’t have to update me with his whereabouts 😀 I feel you OP.

Would it be possible for you to talk to a professional about this? It wouldn’t take the problems away, but it might help the worry!

I'm in my mid 20s and amongst my friends you can tell who's parents only step in at worst case scenario when they need help adulting and the parents who step in at any wobble.

They are expensive as they need supporting past UC help ending. They worry you as they drive from home to the other end of the country. They worry you when they can’t get a job. Young adult children definitely can be as worrying as small children but they also help out more and care more. I like my young adults and it is worth the effort of single parenting!

Agreed!
Year 11 is grinding me down!

seeing All our worries listed and the amazing wonderful traits of our young adults and the often questionable decisions or situations they put themselves in, does make me glad they are absolutely clueless at how much we worry about them. I’ll have to remember to ask my own mum how she felt when I was a teenager, I dread to think. Like some one said it all does feel like “high sakes”. I trust my children, they are very sensible but I wish that horrible dread would lift a little, it probably is a lot worse due to perimenopause (that is a crazy beast in itself).
my daughter was home from uni last night for Easter and it’s the first good nights sleep I’ve had in weeks, everyone under the same roof- lovely walks, roast dinner and a movie- definitely my favorite things. she’s off on her first “girls holiday” next week, gulp- I’ll be grey when she comes back. gosh this parenting stuff’s hard. Lots of love to you all, I hope you’re young ones aren’t giving you too many sleepless nights x

Mine 18 and 20.

Yep. So much more stress and anxiety.

When they're young you can mostly solve their problems and control what happens. When they're older, you have less control. If all goes well, it's great. If it doesn't or they are away from you so you don't know what's going on, it can be very worrying. So yes, the problems can seem bigger when they're older (literally life or death in some cases).

Overall though I've enjoyed seeing them grow. Each has caused a lot of worry at different times but currently we are in a fairly stable place and the craziness of the teen years seems to be receding.

Mine are into their twenties now. It is bloody stressful at times. So much more as young adults, though feel theyve all matured and grown up a bit more. No more slammed doors and being accussed of "ruining my life!" 😂this transistional phase is the hardest still worry at times and im sure will do in the future, when life throws a cirve ball at them. I scoffed at my own mum commenting when rhey were 15/16 years "well thats the easy bit of being a parent done, youve not seen anything yet" told her not to be so bloody ridiculous they will be adults, i ate my words only 2 yesrs later!

Yes, completely agree.
Love them so much and they are great kids, but worry is always there.
Likewise my friends with theirs.
My husband travelled extensively for 2 years with work and I had 3 under 8 largely on my own.
I consider that a walk in the park mentally compared with now.
I was exhausted certainly but mentally I had less worries.

Is it because of increased awareness, my mum left home at 16 for example. I worry about my dcs affording homes, their mental health.

my daughter was home from uni last night for Easter and it’s the first good nights sleep I’ve had in weeks, everyone under the same roof

I relate to this statement so strongly. I only ever feel truly relaxed when we’re all together.

My youngest DD21 is the only one technically at home, though she’s always at her boyfriend’s so we rarely see her. She called me yesterday evening in hysterics because she’d been groped in the street by a stranger in broad daylight. So she punched him off and he pulled a knife on her.

She ran away and luckily he didn’t follow her, but she was so badly shaken up, DH went to pick her up and she stayed here last night, but I’m terrified of the prospect of her leaving today. I don’t want to let her go. Nobody warns you of this shit when you have a baby. You assume you’ll be home and dry by the time they’re young adults.

Completely understand the worry, I identify with @YouOKHun so much, have similar situation, a DS who is thriving and enjoying life, enthusiastic for his future & in contrast a DD with ADHD that has much more difficulty, lacks confidence in her ( amazing in my opinion) abilities and what she can achieve. She refuses to think about her future, pushing away any “adulting” if she possibly can.
She is a wonderful young woman and I have had many sleepless nights worrying about the best way to support her and help her see that.
The saying you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child doesn’t change when they become adults.

I agree OP, the worries are definitely greater. When they were little I worried that they’d pick up the sickness bug at school, or graze their knee in the park, or not get invited to a party, or have a teacher they didn’t like. These were all problems that I knew would pass fairly quickly, almost certainly with no lasting effects.

Now I worry if they’ll get jobs, a house, if they’ll get into debt, take drugs, have unhealthy relationships, get mugged. These are all things that will have a real long term impact on their lives.

The stakes are so much higher as they get older, and the problems are things that are far less solvable by parents.

I’d far rather be awake half the night trying to settle a colicky baby than waiting for a teen to come back from a night out!

I think no matter what age ypur child is you still worry.

Both ours are sensible and doing well with life, eg good jobs, doing well at uni , having fun but also saving money too etc.

mine are both in their early 20s and I worry when they go for nights out, in case they get spiked or lose their friends etc, I sometimes worry about them out driving if it’s late at night or they are on roads they don’t know.

i suppose that’s the joys of parenting.

I have three. One in Y11, one in last year at university and one nearly 25 year old who lives a couple of hours away for work. I find that I am worrying less about the oldest so I think it does get a bit better once they have moved out and have a job they like. I don't worry too much yet about the youngest because he's just doing school work and doing sport.
So maybe peak worrying age is about 17 to early twenties?
Hang in there OP it will get easier I think!

I think this age is so much harder (for me) with a few things happening at the same time:

• Job hunting and retention for eldest
• Exams/ uni decisions for younger 2
• Aging parents struggling
• Menopause symptoms

I love small children. Physically tiring as they are, there's a lot of joy, they're easily entertained and pleased. I think neuro diversity issues get worse with age, mental health problems more pronounced and they are still too young to have learned/ mastered good coping techniques.

A very wise woman once told me "When your kids are small they have a dozen crises a day but each one is really unimportant. When they're older they have a lot fewer crises but they can be massive."

I have no issues or worries with them as people but I totally get what you mean about worrying about their wellbeing. I’m secretly terrified of them learning to drive (they've put it on the back burner as they don’t need to right at this moment and can’t afford it, which is a big relief to me, I’d rather they waited a bit longer). I worry a lot about their safety when they are out at night (it’s somewhat easier now they are either at uni or gf’s).

Last week my youngest came home from Uni and I felt just like you. Best night’s sleep I had in a while as both kids home in their beds.

Sometimes I’m having a nice relaxed evening and one will suddenly declare they’re going out with friends and it spoils my night because I know I won’t be able to sleep till they’re home. I know I worry hugely but like you I seem to be cursed with it. I think it doesn’t help because I don’t have a partner so there is no one to keep me grounded or share in my worries if they’re still not home in the early hours. Being boys makes it no less worrying than girls.

My kids know I can’t sleep until they get in. 😳