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Original poster

Sick of passive aggressive parents

73 replies

dothehokeycokey · 04/04/2025 13:54

God I’ve held my tongue for many years over many times where my negative entitled older parents are concerned.

always keeping the peace and always trying to help them with whatever they shove in my face.

I’ve had two weeks of them moaning about the most mundane non important shite and getting the odd comment in there about not seeing me much

I grit my teeth as I run my own business probably putting In about 60 hours over a seven day period at the moment.
I have a house and kids and a dh who injured himself and is struggling to walk so am picking up his slack this week as well as helping adult dc with some things which have meant me working extra hours to cover it.

my dp have had a few days away and my dm mentioned for me to keep an eye on her house.
I popped over mid week at 8pm after work one night and all is fine.

I have a sibling that lives less than two minutes away that works 8 hours per week.

I’ve just had a passive aggressive comment from dm that they are back and annoyed they have to go to the shops for milk and fresh bread but said in a snarky way.

it’s aimed at me not stocking it up for them or going over every single night after work and yet sibling hasn’t been at all and will most definitely not get a snarky message.

im just so pissed off and at the end of my rope that she just doesn’t realise even though I tell her time and time again that my life is so hectic

I’m ranting here so I’m calm by the time I get the no doubt moaning phone call later.

im tempted to just not keep the peace anymore and tell her to piss off to be honest.

every time I do go over I get given a list of things they need me to sort out for them or help including fucking diy stuff they expect my full time working husband to just do for them when they want let alone what we have to do in our own home.

they’re so fucking selfish

OP posts:
WhatAPrettyHouse · 04/04/2025 13:55

YANBU

Don't answer the phone.

ACatNamedRobin · 04/04/2025 13:57

"im tempted to just not keep the peace anymore and tell her to piss off to be honest"
Do that OP. The worm has to turn at some point.
What have you got to lose. It's not like you are the favourite over your sibling

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2025 13:57

YANBU. You need to make a change here and set their expectations.

Shetlands · 04/04/2025 13:57

Why do you let them treat you like that? Can you not be politely assertive about what you can and can't do for them? I know it's easier said than done but it's better than becoming so frustrated that you let rip at them.

Swiftie1878 · 04/04/2025 13:58

Time to install your boundaries!

Jabberwok · 04/04/2025 14:04

I know what you mean, mil is lovely but passively guilt trips my wife. Wife has 2 sibs, neither us or her sister have kids. Brother does and grandkids. He lives 20 miles away. Sister lives a mile from mum and us 2 miles in the same town
mil expects us to drive her and sister places! Sister was given fils car when he had a stroke, it was 4 months old and had less than 1000 miles. So basically a brand new car. She has never once driven me or wife anywhere. The other day mil, wife and sister were at mils it was raining, wife asked for a lift home she refused!!!! Then drove past wife.
it's mils birthday next week she wants to go out for lunch, it's easier for wife and I to walk...but mil is passively pushing wife to drive...we have to drive past the place, go out of our way to get sister...then mil and drop off after!!!

so I feel your pain, have you asked why your sibling didn't sort the bread and milk in a passive aggressive response.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 04/04/2025 14:06

Send a message, "Oh didn't Sister leave it for you? She has a lot more time than I do so I thought she'd do it."

nutbrownhare15 · 04/04/2025 14:07

Could you not have got some on the way home (d)m? I'm not sure if I've mentioned before how very busy and overwhelmed I am and that DH is injured at the moment. I checked on the house midweek as requested. Perhaps you should ask DSibling for help with that kind of thing from now on as they work approximately 52 hours a week less than I do.

stayathomer · 04/04/2025 14:10

op just tell them what you told us. And also while it’s a them problem you also found like you need to cut down on your workload- 60 hours is not ok- no wonder you’re at the end of your tether

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 14:12

Just stop. Drop the rope. Passive aggressive/snarky comments can be repelled quite easily once you make up your mind to it.

Mother: I was disappointed you didn’t…

You: thats sad.

Mother: You should have…

You: yes, its sad that I didn’t.

Then just move briskly to a topic of importance to you. Or tell her the phone call is ending.

FlippantSeal · 04/04/2025 14:15

Messed up on link sorry. To follow...

FlippantSeal · 04/04/2025 14:21

Sorry I am recommending you look at The Let Them Theory I'm in the middle of the audio book and finding it very helpful with a difficult relationship.

BoredZelda · 04/04/2025 14:26

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 14:12

Just stop. Drop the rope. Passive aggressive/snarky comments can be repelled quite easily once you make up your mind to it.

Mother: I was disappointed you didn’t…

You: thats sad.

Mother: You should have…

You: yes, its sad that I didn’t.

Then just move briskly to a topic of importance to you. Or tell her the phone call is ending.

Not “it’s sad that I didn’t”

Instead “why should I?”

Or use my favourite, a sarcastic “If only you had another child who isn’t working 60 hours a week, who has plenty of time to do it”

LurkyMcLurkinson · 04/04/2025 14:28

BoredZelda · 04/04/2025 14:26

Not “it’s sad that I didn’t”

Instead “why should I?”

Or use my favourite, a sarcastic “If only you had another child who isn’t working 60 hours a week, who has plenty of time to do it”

Show quote history

I vote option 3 and I’d say it every single time they made a request of me.

Hdjdb42 · 04/04/2025 14:31

MounjaroOnMyMind · 04/04/2025 14:06

Send a message, "Oh didn't Sister leave it for you? She has a lot more time than I do so I thought she'd do it."

Yes, this 👆

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 14:32

No point arguing about it. It just leaves the OP getting angrier and angrier. It won’t change her mother’s behavior at all.

The parents’ behavior will only change when OP consistently makes and maintains a barrier of sunny indifference to passive agressive suggestions and increasingly loud demands. Her parents will go through an extinction burst like blast of negative and frantic demands before accepting the new normal. Its basically animal training. OP shouldn’t waste time with long explanations, appeals to conscience, or sarcasm. Her parents won’t listen.

TheHistorian · 04/04/2025 14:58

The problem with this is you are trying to reason with the unreasonable. Your parents won't listen to your attempts to set any boundaries because it doesn't suit them and you've got into a dynamic of biting your tongue when you should have said 'no', 'I don't agree', 'It's not convenient', 'that's totally unreasonable'. I say that as someone who had similar training with my mother. I was terrified of pushing back on her. When I finally did, boy it felt good.

Time to get some assertiveness training and to start detaching. All the time you concede, or bury your true feelings, they've won. Figure out what you're prepared to do or not do and come up with some stock phrases on replay. They will push back but you have to ignore the feelings of panic inside, sit with it.

Unfortunately, in my case my DM gave me an ultimatum, either do as I'm told or get lost. I decided to get lost. Best thing I ever did. Not sure how bad your parents are. You might find Pete Walker's book on cPTSD interesting. It explains how people pleasing develops in childhood.

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 15:01

TheHistorian · 04/04/2025 14:58

The problem with this is you are trying to reason with the unreasonable. Your parents won't listen to your attempts to set any boundaries because it doesn't suit them and you've got into a dynamic of biting your tongue when you should have said 'no', 'I don't agree', 'It's not convenient', 'that's totally unreasonable'. I say that as someone who had similar training with my mother. I was terrified of pushing back on her. When I finally did, boy it felt good.

Time to get some assertiveness training and to start detaching. All the time you concede, or bury your true feelings, they've won. Figure out what you're prepared to do or not do and come up with some stock phrases on replay. They will push back but you have to ignore the feelings of panic inside, sit with it.

Unfortunately, in my case my DM gave me an ultimatum, either do as I'm told or get lost. I decided to get lost. Best thing I ever did. Not sure how bad your parents are. You might find Pete Walker's book on cPTSD interesting. It explains how people pleasing develops in childhood.

Yes Pete Walker’s book “C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving” is fantastic.

Shambles123 · 04/04/2025 15:03

Just don't answer the phone. Then they will have to ask your sister for their favours!

pearbottomjeans · 04/04/2025 15:07

Why haven’t you just said ‘sibling could have done it, why are you expecting me to do it all?’ - by not calling them out on their hints, you are also being passive. More open and clear communication would sort out so many problems for so many people. Open doesn’t equal rude, so many people seem unable to understand that.

FOJN · 04/04/2025 15:09

Whilst I understand your anger at being taken for granted AND unappreciated you have allowed yourself to become a resentful doormat. Don't respond to their pass agg with your own pass agg just start saying no and ignore the digs.

If you want to address their behaviour then do it in a direct way.When your mum complains about lack of bread and milk you could ask why she didn't ask your siblings to stock up or why she didn't pick some up on her way back from her trip. If she tells you she thought you would do you can simply tell her that you are too busy and it's unreasonable of her to make it your responsibility when she has other options that don't add to the 'to do' list of someone who is already pressed for time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2025 15:09

"im tempted to just not keep the peace anymore and tell her to piss off to be honest."
Do it. As the saying goes, 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. You have always kept the peace. You have always got more shite from them. Stop keeping the peace.

I'd also be blunt about their expectations of you versus the expectations of your "sibling that lives less than two minutes away that works 8 hours per week." Why do they expect so much more from you? Could it be your sibling refused to keep the peace?

Cakeandusername · 04/04/2025 15:15

Just say no next time. Why does a house need checking on? Presumably if it was burgled or burnt down neighbours could contact your parents.
If they wanted Bread and milk leaving ready for return ask sister to do it or get at airport shop (there’s a spar at arrivals at my local airport) stop enroute home at a garage etc or book an online delivery for return time.

rosemarble · 04/04/2025 15:15

They don't sound passive aggressive, they sound outright rude and that they clearly expect you and your husband to be at their beck and call.

every time I do go over I get given a list of things they need me to sort out for them or help including fucking diy stuff they expect my full time working husband to just do for them when they want let alone what we have to do in our own home

What's the history behind this? How has this been allowed to go on for more than a couple of times?

diddl · 04/04/2025 15:18

You did what they asked.

It wasn't good enough.

Tell them no next time.

You don't have time/don't want to do it wrong/.

If whatever you do is wrong, then you might as well get grief for doing what you want.