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Original poster

Sick of passive aggressive parents

73 replies

dothehokeycokey · 04/04/2025 13:54

God I’ve held my tongue for many years over many times where my negative entitled older parents are concerned.

always keeping the peace and always trying to help them with whatever they shove in my face.

I’ve had two weeks of them moaning about the most mundane non important shite and getting the odd comment in there about not seeing me much

I grit my teeth as I run my own business probably putting In about 60 hours over a seven day period at the moment.
I have a house and kids and a dh who injured himself and is struggling to walk so am picking up his slack this week as well as helping adult dc with some things which have meant me working extra hours to cover it.

my dp have had a few days away and my dm mentioned for me to keep an eye on her house.
I popped over mid week at 8pm after work one night and all is fine.

I have a sibling that lives less than two minutes away that works 8 hours per week.

I’ve just had a passive aggressive comment from dm that they are back and annoyed they have to go to the shops for milk and fresh bread but said in a snarky way.

it’s aimed at me not stocking it up for them or going over every single night after work and yet sibling hasn’t been at all and will most definitely not get a snarky message.

im just so pissed off and at the end of my rope that she just doesn’t realise even though I tell her time and time again that my life is so hectic

I’m ranting here so I’m calm by the time I get the no doubt moaning phone call later.

im tempted to just not keep the peace anymore and tell her to piss off to be honest.

every time I do go over I get given a list of things they need me to sort out for them or help including fucking diy stuff they expect my full time working husband to just do for them when they want let alone what we have to do in our own home.

they’re so fucking selfish

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 04/04/2025 15:21

'Just stop. Drop the rope'

I agree with this. Don't agree to check the house, don't accept lists of jobs that need doing. Don't pull them up on their selfishness - they don't sound the type to be able to reflect on their own behaviour, and it will all be made into your fault somehow. Just don't be available for all this shit anymore

And believe me, I know that this is changing the habit of a lifetime and that it is far from easy, but you can do it. Find your self respect and self esteem and do it. Feel the fear, guilt and obligation and do it anyway

CanOfMangoTango · 04/04/2025 15:23

What's that phrase - if there's a choice between guilt and resentment choose guilt 😎

Resentment is poisonous and frankly sometimes people need to know what they're missing in order to appreciate it.

So when you're DM phones to complain, say that's fine, I'm not meeting your expectations, so next time you ask for something I'll say no.

And then when they ask say no.

Shwish · 04/04/2025 15:24

Actually I don't think you should blame your sibling here. As far as I can see there was no need for anyone to get bread and milk. Why would you not pick up what you need from the airport or a petrol station on the way home? It's not 1955. Places will be open. Your parents are adults. They need to start acting like it

Shwish · 04/04/2025 15:25

CanOfMangoTango · 04/04/2025 15:23

What's that phrase - if there's a choice between guilt and resentment choose guilt 😎

Resentment is poisonous and frankly sometimes people need to know what they're missing in order to appreciate it.

So when you're DM phones to complain, say that's fine, I'm not meeting your expectations, so next time you ask for something I'll say no.

And then when they ask say no.

Ha! Yes this is brilliant

SoMauveMonty · 04/04/2025 15:26

I have a passive aggressive mother so i understand how infuriating it is. I find deadpan responses such as "oh really?" "that's a shame" etc most effective.
Sadly i'm an only child but if i had a sibling more able to pitch in i'd have no qualms adding "ask ds" to my repetoire.

ACatNamedRobin · 04/04/2025 15:26

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 14:32

No point arguing about it. It just leaves the OP getting angrier and angrier. It won’t change her mother’s behavior at all.

The parents’ behavior will only change when OP consistently makes and maintains a barrier of sunny indifference to passive agressive suggestions and increasingly loud demands. Her parents will go through an extinction burst like blast of negative and frantic demands before accepting the new normal. Its basically animal training. OP shouldn’t waste time with long explanations, appeals to conscience, or sarcasm. Her parents won’t listen.

This OP.

SoMauveMonty · 04/04/2025 15:27

CanOfMangoTango · 04/04/2025 15:23

What's that phrase - if there's a choice between guilt and resentment choose guilt 😎

Resentment is poisonous and frankly sometimes people need to know what they're missing in order to appreciate it.

So when you're DM phones to complain, say that's fine, I'm not meeting your expectations, so next time you ask for something I'll say no.

And then when they ask say no.

This is probably my post of the week. Perfect.

CherryBlossom321 · 04/04/2025 15:34

Unreasonable parents: “We’re annoyed at having to go and stock up on bread and milk now we’ve arrived home from our holiday.”

Adult child: “Really? People generally have to shop after returning home from a trip. You can always pre book a delivery slot for what you need online before you leave. You should do that next time. Glad you’ve had a lovely time away.”

AxolotlEars · 04/04/2025 15:35

I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone. I would directly ask what they are implying or what they are saying in a rude manner. I would actually ask a question "Did you mean to ask me to buy milk? Be sure you seem to be having a go at me for not doing something you haven't asked me to do. " Honestly, kindly, you are being a martyr. Know your worth. You can politely say to them that you don't have capacity right now and please could they ask sibling.

Shwish · 04/04/2025 15:40

AxolotlEars · 04/04/2025 15:35

I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone. I would directly ask what they are implying or what they are saying in a rude manner. I would actually ask a question "Did you mean to ask me to buy milk? Be sure you seem to be having a go at me for not doing something you haven't asked me to do. " Honestly, kindly, you are being a martyr. Know your worth. You can politely say to them that you don't have capacity right now and please could they ask sibling.

But why do they need to ask anyone? Why can't they just do it themselves?

JudithWithABigKnife · 04/04/2025 15:44

Shwish · 04/04/2025 15:24

Actually I don't think you should blame your sibling here. As far as I can see there was no need for anyone to get bread and milk. Why would you not pick up what you need from the airport or a petrol station on the way home? It's not 1955. Places will be open. Your parents are adults. They need to start acting like it

Yes, this. No need to engage with either your parents' expectations, or your sibling. You've got enough going on, and the only behaviour and expectations you can control here are your own.

Fibrous · 04/04/2025 15:46

They have shops in the airport to pick up milk etc. Just send them a google maps link next time, with no comment.

BBT213 · 04/04/2025 15:46

18 months go I changed from being the passive suck it up type, to pulling right back. It is great once you get over the innate guilt we have been brought up with.

From the distance I am now, I fully see the narcissistic tendencies of some people in my family and I want nothing to do with them.

Step back, dont answer the phone and, if you can be bothered, put it right back in their faces when they are negative. "You're welcome" is I find a good reply when the aggressive comments come. They are not "passive " at all, I never understand why that term is used. It is pure aggression.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 04/04/2025 15:49

Guessing you're the 'daughter' and your sibling who lives closer and works far few hours and has more free time is a 'son' who couldn't possibly be expected to do anything...?

Cognacsoft · 04/04/2025 15:51

They’re presumably retired, why are they not helping you out?
Dh will be tiling DD’s new bathroom next week.
I’ll be making chocolate cake for dgs.

Tell them no, op. If they are fit and wealthy enough to go on holiday they can do their own diy or pay someone.

rosemarble · 04/04/2025 15:52

Why is the sibling only working 8 hours a week. What fills the rest of their week?

Respectornot · 04/04/2025 15:53

I sometimes turn it back and say what we do, e.g.
"Oh, we always buy bread and milk at the petrol station when we are late back from holidays, just to keep us going until we do a proper shop. "

Or start doing it to them
"We are so busy for the next few weeks, poor dh is injured, I don't know how I'm going to find time to mow the lawn / get groceries". Get in first with how busy you are.

TorroFerney · 04/04/2025 15:58

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 14:32

No point arguing about it. It just leaves the OP getting angrier and angrier. It won’t change her mother’s behavior at all.

The parents’ behavior will only change when OP consistently makes and maintains a barrier of sunny indifference to passive agressive suggestions and increasingly loud demands. Her parents will go through an extinction burst like blast of negative and frantic demands before accepting the new normal. Its basically animal training. OP shouldn’t waste time with long explanations, appeals to conscience, or sarcasm. Her parents won’t listen.

Completely agree, no good hinting and being pass aggressive back, they won’t get it they won’t have a road to Damascus moment. Train them out if it, like an experiment do a bingo card in your head of things they say. No one can make anyone feel anything . Treat them like two old people you don’t know whinging in a supermarket about the queue , in one ear and out the other.

and whatever they may think does not matter, thoughts are not facts. But mainly op stop speaking to them as much. We get addicted to the stress and interaction like a trauma bond , train yourself out of needing it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/04/2025 16:03

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 14:12

Just stop. Drop the rope. Passive aggressive/snarky comments can be repelled quite easily once you make up your mind to it.

Mother: I was disappointed you didn’t…

You: thats sad.

Mother: You should have…

You: yes, its sad that I didn’t.

Then just move briskly to a topic of importance to you. Or tell her the phone call is ending.

Dropping the rope whenever possible is a great idea.

Was going to add, don't tell her to "piss off" or anything involving swearing because anything else you say will be lost in the whole how dare she? outcry as they march about claiming ownership of the moral high ground.

Do...say it like it is. I don't appreciate passive aggressive comments and if she expects milk and bread (because you are not a telepath) she can ask your sister who lives 2 minutes away, on repeat.

DH is doing our own DIY this weekend and is not available. Have a look at Check a trade.

But do keep saying things on repeat .I'm not available. Ask sister.

And vow to stop running around after them like a servant. However, they are old so there may be things that they do actually need some help with, but you are more likely to offer this if they are not asking for everything all the time. I wish I'd taken this advice myself when in the same situation.

TheHistorian · 04/04/2025 16:03

Shwish · 04/04/2025 15:24

Actually I don't think you should blame your sibling here. As far as I can see there was no need for anyone to get bread and milk. Why would you not pick up what you need from the airport or a petrol station on the way home? It's not 1955. Places will be open. Your parents are adults. They need to start acting like it

Also this is how divide and conquer works with siblings ie golden child who does sweet FA and scapegoat who spends their whole life 'pretzelling' themselves to please the unpleasable.

I always thought I'd end up doing elder care for my DM while my brother would waltz off with the inheritance. He did with my grandmother. However, I would have been just as culprable for allowing that to happen ie running myself ragged, unnecessarily. It wouldn't have occurred to my brother to put himself out at all which is perhaps better boundaries.

Ironically when I dipped out, he ended up on the receiving end of my DMs demands and neediness. He went NC too. So the roles are interchangeable. Ideally siblings should be allies with dysfunctional parents, not slip into natural enemies.

Stagshear · 04/04/2025 16:28

I don’t think your sibling is at fault here. I made a conscious decision to pull back from the expected care of my parents when it was apparent they were helping out my “busy” sibling and wouldn’t ever do any favours for me when I rarely needed them. As such now my busy brother with kids, grumbles that he is expected to help out, when I don’t.

I worked hard to put my own boundaries in place, and despite not having kids and only working 40 hours a week I do have a full life. I don’t want to spend it running round after demanding parents.

I think your frustration is misplaced, no one should be stocking your parents fridge for them. Just because your sibling has established some ground rules doesn’t make them wrong.

Endofyear · 04/04/2025 19:59

OP you're not keeping the peace, you're not speaking up for yourself and allowing resentment to fester unnecessarily. There's nothing wrong with saying no, I'm not able to do that, I would ask sibling as they have much more free time than I do. You don't have to do the things they ask you to and you don't have to listen to their moaning. Stay calm and be assertive. It doesn't have to deteriorate into a row and if they go into a sulk, let them. You are not responsible for their expectations or their reactions.

AcquadiP · 04/04/2025 20:08

dothehokeycokey · 04/04/2025 13:54

God I’ve held my tongue for many years over many times where my negative entitled older parents are concerned.

always keeping the peace and always trying to help them with whatever they shove in my face.

I’ve had two weeks of them moaning about the most mundane non important shite and getting the odd comment in there about not seeing me much

I grit my teeth as I run my own business probably putting In about 60 hours over a seven day period at the moment.
I have a house and kids and a dh who injured himself and is struggling to walk so am picking up his slack this week as well as helping adult dc with some things which have meant me working extra hours to cover it.

my dp have had a few days away and my dm mentioned for me to keep an eye on her house.
I popped over mid week at 8pm after work one night and all is fine.

I have a sibling that lives less than two minutes away that works 8 hours per week.

I’ve just had a passive aggressive comment from dm that they are back and annoyed they have to go to the shops for milk and fresh bread but said in a snarky way.

it’s aimed at me not stocking it up for them or going over every single night after work and yet sibling hasn’t been at all and will most definitely not get a snarky message.

im just so pissed off and at the end of my rope that she just doesn’t realise even though I tell her time and time again that my life is so hectic

I’m ranting here so I’m calm by the time I get the no doubt moaning phone call later.

im tempted to just not keep the peace anymore and tell her to piss off to be honest.

every time I do go over I get given a list of things they need me to sort out for them or help including fucking diy stuff they expect my full time working husband to just do for them when they want let alone what we have to do in our own home.

they’re so fucking selfish

I'm not surprised you're pissed off!

Don't answer the phone tonight. Give yourself the night/the weekend/the week off. Let them stew. Let them contact the other sibling and have them run around like a slave for a while.
It's only fair.

Whatifitallgoesright · 04/04/2025 20:21

What do they say when you ask what your sister's doing?

Serriadh · 04/04/2025 20:24

OP, if you can’t be firm (say no), be flakey. It is hard saying no to parents if you’ve never done it before. Are you the reliable one? Good job, nice husband who helps his in-laws, nice kids? Your parents are exploiting all this. They expect less of your sister because they think you are reliable.

Practise being vague. Can you check on their house? “Yeah, sure, but things are a bit mad right now so I might not manage it every night.” Then don’t go. Why didn’t you do a shop for them. “Oh gosh I just didn’t think. What am I like?” DH doesn’t turn up for his DIY slot? “Oh no I double-booked us. Maybe next week?” Then just don’t. “Forget” things, start “getting your dates muddled up”. If they push you in it just reiterate what a lot you have on your plate right now.