Sick of passive aggressive parents

[dothehokeycokey]

God I’ve held my tongue for many years over many times where my negative entitled older parents are concerned.

always keeping the peace and always trying to help them with whatever they shove in my face.

I’ve had two weeks of them moaning about the most mundane non important shite and getting the odd comment in there about not seeing me much

I grit my teeth as I run my own business probably putting In about 60 hours over a seven day period at the moment.
I have a house and kids and a dh who injured himself and is struggling to walk so am picking up his slack this week as well as helping adult dc with some things which have meant me working extra hours to cover it.

my dp have had a few days away and my dm mentioned for me to keep an eye on her house.
I popped over mid week at 8pm after work one night and all is fine.

I have a sibling that lives less than two minutes away that works 8 hours per week.

I’ve just had a passive aggressive comment from dm that they are back and annoyed they have to go to the shops for milk and fresh bread but said in a snarky way.

it’s aimed at me not stocking it up for them or going over every single night after work and yet sibling hasn’t been at all and will most definitely not get a snarky message.

im just so pissed off and at the end of my rope that she just doesn’t realise even though I tell her time and time again that my life is so hectic

I’m ranting here so I’m calm by the time I get the no doubt moaning phone call later.

im tempted to just not keep the peace anymore and tell her to piss off to be honest.

every time I do go over I get given a list of things they need me to sort out for them or help including fucking diy stuff they expect my full time working husband to just do for them when they want let alone what we have to do in our own home.

they’re so fucking selfish

Unless there's a massive backstory just be blunt : -

" Next time you go away why don't you ask dsibling to get milk and bread in before you get back ? They're so close and don't work much. I never understand why you expect me to do these things for you when I'm already struggling and they're not. "

No! Why not say "next time you go away just grab what you need at the airport before you get back in the car" nobody needs to baby them. If they're able bodied enough to go on holiday they're also able to go into a shop and pick up a couple of bits!!
I wouldn't bloody dream of expecting someone to go round my house and drop off supplies for me while I've been on holiday. It's nuts.

It doesn’t matter, the sibling is not obliged to give in to these ridiculous demands from the parents.

Oh god yes the swearing. I snapped after mine had said something unforgivable in my eyes and said “ at least I know where I fucking stand now” she then bleated to my teenager that mum had used a bad word. The word just top trumped whatever crap she’d been saying. I’d never sworn at her before so a normal person would have thought oh goodness I’ve said something really hurtful to get that out of character reaction.

Ignore. Or say no. Or point them in direction of sister. Basically all of the above on repeat. Set some boundaries here op, you have enough on your plate!

Maybe there is a middle ground between being a grumpy martyr and blowing up / telling them to piss off?

Before they go, set your boundaries and state them clearly, ‘ yes I can pop in once, mid week, but other than that you’ll have to ask Sis’.

Calmly call her out on sarcastic comments, don’t just let them slip . Ask her to explain what she means. ‘Were you expecting me to organise bread and milk for your return? I didn’t realise that and you didn’t ask me to do this. Maybe next time you could ask Sis since she lives so close.’

have a think about why you are constantly keeping the peace. Can you have a calm conversation about this? It sounds like you are not setting your boundaries, then are resenting when your parents set them for you.

rather than constantly telling her your life is hectic and expecting her to not make demands of you, tell her clearly what you are prepared to do - and what you won’t/ can’t. You can’t control her expectations but you can control how you respond.

And the sibling has choosen a more quiet life. We don't know why. Shouldn't be punished.

Just say no. The parents won't be happy but just keep saying no.

‘Why are you so rude’

This was my parents

They expected me,a single parent,very little money and living 6 miles away (I don't drive) to drag 3 small (at the time) kids (id given birth less than a week earlier and was in the throws of pnd-i had 3 kids under 3) to drop off bread and milk for them to come home to

They didn't ask the golden child brother who fucking lived there as 'he's too busy' (he didn't work,didn't pay rent and just dossed about all day)

The one time I did do it,I got moaned at for getting the wrong milk

Second time they tried it,I was screamed at for not doing it at all-i couldn't believe the knots they tied themselves up in to explain why golden-bollocks couldn't do it

Never asked again

Agree. Good on the sibling.

Sorry I haven’t been back. Got really busy and then forgot to update.

back story with sibling.

sibling has always been treated very differently to me in that they’ve never been able to be a normal adult. They’ve always been a victim of whatever catastrophe they have themselves created.
said sibling has for the last two years ramped up their manipulation of my parents and anyone around them to gain their own way.

I went low contact twelve months ago with them due to the toxic nature I’ve grown up with when I realised I’ve been enabling a lot of the behaviour.

my dmum sadly still defends and enables it and wouldn’t ever dream of asking anything of sibling as their too stressed etc etc so consequently it’s always been me.

since I posted I calmed down and like posters suggested rather than meet it with passive aggression back I actually phoned and spoke to my parent.

I got quite a lot of things off my chest regarding the way they behave and expect me to drop everything for them and the lack of appreciation for anything I do or how busy my life is.

I told my parent that I’m still really quite pissed off with them for being like it with me and that I’m no longer prepared to tolerate it.

the issues with my sibling cause frustration and I think my parent is frustrated with me because I’ve stepped back so it’s more pressure on them but only because they enable the situation which I explained last night.

I also explained they are my sibling not my child and not my responsibility
parent apologised and admitted it was probably their frustration with sibling that caused them to snap at me but I said that’s not acceptable

I’ve told them they can find local tradesmen to deal with their diy needs like everyone else has to as we won’t be doing it anymore and when I do go to visit them if I’m moaned at or asked to do anything other than something they can’t fathom themselves then il be leaving.

i also told them the reason i don’t go over much is purely because of the loaning and expectancy for me to sort stuff every time im there.

this morning i feel lighter that ive done that and dont feel like im carrying so much around with me.

thank you everyone for all your comments and support.
ive been here from the beginning so its lovely to get so much support and helpful comments when ive needed it.

oh and a big kick up the ass to sort it out.

don't let them. I went NC with various relatives if too much was getting too much according to my natural patience levels.

Well done OP.

Edited because I missed the update.

Well done OP, you took the gentle kick up the arse well. MN is great for this.

Well done. Something you should have done years ago, but I imagine it’s crept up to breaking point. Now you must stick to your guns and don’t backslide!

That's a great outcome, well done for taking the bull by the horns. I love that feeling of a weight being lifted when I've done the difficult thing I've procrastinated about.

Bloody hell @dothehokeycokey well done 👏

So glad you feel a weight has been lifted.

Congrats OP.
I wish I'd taken a leaf out of your book when I was in the same situation back in the day.
I also think its great that you've marked out boundaries whilst your parents are still capable, and it sounds like you tackled hard truths, but also put forward how it's going to be in a reasonable way. I'm not surprised you feel lighter. Have a good weekend.

This, absolutely. Didn't you ask Sibling to do it. She's much nearer than I am and has much more time. On repeat.

Absolutely well done.

Now re enforce your position with taking space.

Do not call for several weeks and tell them you realise how unhealthy everything has been and how you need an extended break.

We teach people how to treat us.

You do not deserve this.
Continue to take back control and dramatically reduce your visits.

"this morning i feel lighter that ive done that and dont feel like im carrying so much around with me."
Fantastic! Well done!

Well done OP!
That should hopefully switch the "framework" in your head re dealing with your parents.
And Mumsnet will be here for you if you feel you're wavering in the future.

Sibling has always been treated very differently to me in that they’ve never been able to be a normal adult. They’ve always been a victim of whatever catastrophe they have themselves created.

said sibling has for the last two years ramped up their manipulation of my parents and anyone around them to gain their own way.
I went low contact twelve months ago with them due to the toxic nature I’ve grown up with when I realised I’ve been enabling a lot of the behaviour.

my dmum sadly still defends and enables it and wouldn’t ever dream of asking anything of sibling as their too stressed etc etc so consequently it’s always been me.

Oh goodness me - we are the same person. I could have written this WORD FOR BLOOMING WORD!!!!!!!!!

So pleased you were able to explain and say how you feel and your mum listened. I tried a while ago to do the same, and got told to leave her house haha! Her loss.

Well done!