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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to let someone down gently?

72 replies

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:10

Would appreciate some advice - so one of my really good friends is training for some kind of certification and as part of her training, she needs to find someone to take part in a video call/information session thing. She called to let me know if I’d be willing to help her and I was more than happy. So I end up finding out that it ideally needs to be a couple as some of the questions/topics would need a male perspective. So we agree a date and I thought it would be fine as it’s just a relatively straightforward video call but when I spoke to my husband about him being involved, he wasn’t too keen. He said that he hasn’t really got time/interest for that stuff and doesn’t want to be involved. I asked my friend if she’d be allowed to have just me on the call but it’s got to be both of us. Now I don’t know how to explain to her that my husband doesn’t want to take part, as I feel like I’ve given her some hope of me being able to be involved - she said she’d asked other friends and they’d all declined. I know my husband is within his rights to decline as it’s not by force but now it’s put me in an awkward position because I can’t keep saying he’s busy because he does get days off. How can I make her aware that he’s not gonna take part no matter the amount of “rescheduling” that takes place😭 thanks for reading this far

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 04/04/2025 12:11

Will honestly I'd just say I'm really sorry I've tried but my husband doesn't want to do it

outerspacepotato · 04/04/2025 12:15

Explain your husband won't do it and she'll have to find another couple.

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:16

purpleme12 · 04/04/2025 12:11

Will honestly I'd just say I'm really sorry I've tried but my husband doesn't want to do it

Well, it’s not that easy to just say my husband can’t do it. Yes I know it’s technically easy to say it but you know what I mean, I feel like I’ll be letting her down a bit?

OP posts:
KebabCancelled · 04/04/2025 12:16

‘Really sorry - thought Tim would be up for doing it but he’s not keen’

just be direct and honest

cakeandteaandcake · 04/04/2025 12:17

Gently, do you have problems with boundaries and taking on other people’s feelings? Because you do not need to have your friend’s feelings for her. This is categorically not your problem. You are allowed to say no.

2025willbemytime · 04/04/2025 12:18

You're already letting her down by keeping her hanging.

IamSmarticus · 04/04/2025 12:18

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:16

Well, it’s not that easy to just say my husband can’t do it. Yes I know it’s technically easy to say it but you know what I mean, I feel like I’ll be letting her down a bit?

Of course it is - just tell her he doesn't want to participate for goodness sake.

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:19

KebabCancelled · 04/04/2025 12:16

‘Really sorry - thought Tim would be up for doing it but he’s not keen’

just be direct and honest

Okay, I think I might just have to do this. But it’s not going to be easy.

OP posts:
Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:19

cakeandteaandcake · 04/04/2025 12:17

Gently, do you have problems with boundaries and taking on other people’s feelings? Because you do not need to have your friend’s feelings for her. This is categorically not your problem. You are allowed to say no.

I do sometimes

OP posts:
ConnieHeart · 04/04/2025 12:19

You'll just have to be honest. Say you're really sorry to let her down but he's just not keen

FloofyKat · 04/04/2025 12:20

You’re overthinking this. Just apologise to her and explain you thought your H would be up for it but he’s not.. Say you ought to have have checked with him first before volunteering him. The sooner you tell her, the sooner she can find another couple. She will be fine with this !

purpleme12 · 04/04/2025 12:21

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:16

Well, it’s not that easy to just say my husband can’t do it. Yes I know it’s technically easy to say it but you know what I mean, I feel like I’ll be letting her down a bit?

Ok well that's honestly what I'd say in this situation

Girlmom35 · 04/04/2025 12:21

cakeandteaandcake · 04/04/2025 12:17

Gently, do you have problems with boundaries and taking on other people’s feelings? Because you do not need to have your friend’s feelings for her. This is categorically not your problem. You are allowed to say no.

This!

It really shouldn't be that hard to tell your friend that you made a judgement call and your husband is now saying no.

dudsville · 04/04/2025 12:22

You're feeling more than the situation requires. Maybe it taps into something for you.

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:24

FloofyKat · 04/04/2025 12:20

You’re overthinking this. Just apologise to her and explain you thought your H would be up for it but he’s not.. Say you ought to have have checked with him first before volunteering him. The sooner you tell her, the sooner she can find another couple. She will be fine with this !

Okay, I’ll let her now today, instead of dragging it out like I have done. The thing is, I did cancel the recent appointment but she keeps trying to offer new days to do the call and that’s what’s making it harder

OP posts:
Namechangetry · 04/04/2025 12:24

Your friend wasn't clear what she was asking for - you thought it was just you not you and him. If she wanted him she needed to ask him.

You're messing her around more by trying to be nice though, if you keep saying he's busy she'll keep trying to rebook. So you have to be clear so she can find someone else.

ChickenBananas · 04/04/2025 12:25

Not telling her is letting her down more cos she isn't finding other options

SedumRoof · 04/04/2025 12:25

This really doesn’t need this much angst! And yes, in future, don’t volunteer other people for things without asking them first.

Gymmum82 · 04/04/2025 12:26

Sorry I thought mark would do it but he’s refusing. If you can find a male friend I’m happy to do it and pretend he’s my husband

Lanzarotelady · 04/04/2025 12:26

Stop fannying around!
Sorry Sue, Tim said he would but he doesn't want to/hasn't got time, sorry love.

Lanzarotelady · 04/04/2025 12:27

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:16

Well, it’s not that easy to just say my husband can’t do it. Yes I know it’s technically easy to say it but you know what I mean, I feel like I’ll be letting her down a bit?

Yes it is that easy!

CheesePlantBoxes · 04/04/2025 12:29

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:24

Okay, I’ll let her now today, instead of dragging it out like I have done. The thing is, I did cancel the recent appointment but she keeps trying to offer new days to do the call and that’s what’s making it harder

If course she does, because she thinks you're interested.

You're making this a way bigger deal in your head than it is.

Freshflower · 04/04/2025 12:33

The only thing you can do is be upfront. The sooner the better, so she has a chance to find someone else. I'd just say unfortunately your husband can't do it now but you are still up for it if possible and really sorry if you've let her down. She would understand if she's a genuine friend

BasicBrumble · 04/04/2025 12:35

Is she practising for selling stuff? Is the 'practise' just another opportunity for her?

Hopefully not, just wondering!

Chezxx · 04/04/2025 12:36

Kindly OP, you were very very wrong to include your husband without asking him first.

That is not respectful.
I wouldn't dream of doing it and nor would my husband, neither of us would be impressed.

Focus on this rather that just telling her.
You should have said I will check with husband.

I am married over 30 years and still don't agree to stuff on his behalf....because I respect his right to say No.