Page 3 | How to let someone down gently?

Thebloodynine · 04/04/2025 13:57

Can your husband not just suck it up and do it to help out the friend? My boyfriend does all sorts of stuff for me; I do all sorts for him.

I don’t understand why he just says no?

MrsCastle · 04/04/2025 13:58

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:16

Well, it’s not that easy to just say my husband can’t do it. Yes I know it’s technically easy to say it but you know what I mean, I feel like I’ll be letting her down a bit?

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Didn’t you say she didn’t tell you she needed a couple first off

i I think she maybe withheld that but as she’s had problem finding a couple

just say no, it’s on her and her thing to resolve

you were good enough to agree, now she’s changed boundaries it won’t work

it sounds like you are taking on her problem

FOJN · 04/04/2025 13:59

I know my husband is within his rights to decline as it’s not by force but now it’s put me in an awkward position...

You put yourself in an awkward position by volunteering your husband for something without asking him first.

You need to come clean with your friend and apologise for messing her around.

Swiftie1878 · 04/04/2025 14:00

Flutterbyby · 04/04/2025 13:56

OP clearly has poor boundaries, advising her to trample on her husband's is not at all helpful.

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It’s not about trampling on boundaries. We all do things occasionally that we’d rather not do. That’s life.
If I’d got myself in a pickle with a friend, my DH would help me out like this. He may not want to do something, but would do it for me (with my immense gratitude). Same the other way round.

Zucker · 04/04/2025 14:00

It's not that your husband can't do it, he doesn't want to do it. She should have said at the outset a couple was needed.

Darkclothes · 04/04/2025 14:04

Its not your fault your friend has lots of single friends! how ridiculous. What if she had lots of same sex couples? What is the video even for and who will view it?

Its YOUR fault for stringing her along and not asking your DH first.

MrsCastle · 04/04/2025 14:07

OP did you have almost of devastated feelings when your husband said no?

it sounds like you just accepted it…as will she

your over thinking

burnoutbabe · 04/04/2025 14:11

I sm sort of in the camp of pursuading husband

but that’s if it’s a short “pretend you want double glazing”
if it’s actually “I need to sell you pension or life I stance and you’ll have to give sone financial details” then probably not.

so really depends how intrusive the video call is going to be!

Freshflower · 04/04/2025 16:25

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 13:52

I think it’s seeming like a bigger deal because deep down I’m a bit worried that maybe she’ll say “it’s fine” but it might upset her slightly? I mean, we are human at the end of the day but yeah I shouldn’t be dragging this out. I appreciate the advice

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It's not a nice feeling to think you will upset or let someone down but it's out of your control , your husband can't do it and it needs to be a couple. She might ne a bit disappointed but that shouldn't be directed at you You could say you can try help her find another couple. Hope it goes ok

Original poster

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 18:47

Freshflower · 04/04/2025 16:25

It's not a nice feeling to think you will upset or let someone down but it's out of your control , your husband can't do it and it needs to be a couple. She might ne a bit disappointed but that shouldn't be directed at you You could say you can try help her find another couple. Hope it goes ok

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I just told her. It was quite hard (even though it shouldn’t be) but I felt relief to just “put her out of her misery” at least now she knows.

OP posts:

Flutterbyby · 04/04/2025 19:17

Swiftie1878 · 04/04/2025 14:00

It’s not about trampling on boundaries. We all do things occasionally that we’d rather not do. That’s life.
If I’d got myself in a pickle with a friend, my DH would help me out like this. He may not want to do something, but would do it for me (with my immense gratitude). Same the other way round.

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You can't possibly say your husband would do anything you asked him to do because you wanted him to. And even if you could, it doesn't follow that rest of us are also total doormats

ItGhoul · 04/04/2025 19:31

Swiftie1878 · 04/04/2025 14:00

It’s not about trampling on boundaries. We all do things occasionally that we’d rather not do. That’s life.
If I’d got myself in a pickle with a friend, my DH would help me out like this. He may not want to do something, but would do it for me (with my immense gratitude). Same the other way round.

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Given that the OP’s friend has asked several other people and they have all declined as well, I’m guessing it’s not really just a small, quick favour, or perhaps involves subject matter that not everyone is comfortable with. The fact that it specifically requires a male perspective makes me wonder what it’s about, to be honest.

Regardless, I would be pissed off if my DP just volunteered me for stuff without bloody asking me. He’d never do that. He’d talk to me first.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/04/2025 20:49

KebabCancelled · 04/04/2025 12:16

‘Really sorry - thought Tim would be up for doing it but he’s not keen’

just be direct and honest

Yes this. How can anyone argue with this? You did your best
If she kicks off about this she's not a decent friend she's not entitled to your time or your husbands

SedumRoof · 04/04/2025 21:44

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 13:52

I think it’s seeming like a bigger deal because deep down I’m a bit worried that maybe she’ll say “it’s fine” but it might upset her slightly? I mean, we are human at the end of the day but yeah I shouldn’t be dragging this out. I appreciate the advice

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But why would it matter if it ‘upset her slightly’? Here you are worrying yourself sick and starting an internet thread about how to tell her your DH won’t do it. Why are your feelings completely unimportant and hers hugely important in your mind? Centre yourself, OP.

Sassybooklover · 04/04/2025 22:22

You need to be honest with her. Say that you are very sorry, you should have checked with your husband before confirming you'd both take part and unfortunately he doesn't want too. There's not much else you can say. To keep rescheduling isn't an option, in the vague hope she'll get the message. You need to be honest, because she's wasting her time, and she may have a deadline for this part of the training, and will need to find another couple.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/04/2025 22:25

If my DP asked me to do it for his mate, it would be a massive no from me too, but then he wouldn't have volunteered me in the first place. If my mate asked me I would also say no, being questioned and videoed is not my idea of fun, and in your case many people have said no...why is that?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/04/2025 22:25

Sassybooklover · 04/04/2025 22:22

You need to be honest with her. Say that you are very sorry, you should have checked with your husband before confirming you'd both take part and unfortunately he doesn't want too. There's not much else you can say. To keep rescheduling isn't an option, in the vague hope she'll get the message. You need to be honest, because she's wasting her time, and she may have a deadline for this part of the training, and will need to find another couple.

She's already done it

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/04/2025 22:30

Glad you told her.

I think it would be worth doing some wider thinking about why you find it so hard to upset someone slightly. Might be worth seeking some counselling or self-help. We can't make everyone happy all the time, it's very stressful to get through life if you don't feel able to say no to people.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 05/04/2025 06:13

Op your priorities are totally wrong.
Are you seriously more worried about hurting her feelings than respecting your husband’s boundaries?
She asked you a question so the answer can be yes or no. You are NOT obliged to say yes because she is your friend / you happen to have time or whatever. She did not call you “to INFORM you if you want to take part”, she called you to ASK if you WANT to take part. She also called to ask if YOU want to take part. If she needed a couple she should have asked if you AND your husband were willing to take part. Her communication skills clearly are not good and you are clearly bad at boundary keeping and worry more about other people’s feelings than your husband’s boundaries.
”No” is also a sentence.

SapporoBaby · 05/04/2025 06:50

You feel bad and that’s understandable but the only way to do it is to tell her the truth. Tell her you’ve tried to get him involved but he doesn’t want to. If it’s a therapy type training then she should be able to understand that he is uncomfortable with it.

StartAnew · 05/04/2025 06:54

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 13:48

Well, she’s a lovely person but I think I’m probably overthinking it. I don’t think any of her other friends are married so I think she was so relieved when I agreed, but I definitely should have checked with my husband first.

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You should! That’s the bit that went wrong. Your friend will survive. Do you know another couple who might be willing to do it? Or your friend could ask on social media.

Pherian · 05/04/2025 11:47

Faffamufaff · 04/04/2025 12:10

Would appreciate some advice - so one of my really good friends is training for some kind of certification and as part of her training, she needs to find someone to take part in a video call/information session thing. She called to let me know if I’d be willing to help her and I was more than happy. So I end up finding out that it ideally needs to be a couple as some of the questions/topics would need a male perspective. So we agree a date and I thought it would be fine as it’s just a relatively straightforward video call but when I spoke to my husband about him being involved, he wasn’t too keen. He said that he hasn’t really got time/interest for that stuff and doesn’t want to be involved. I asked my friend if she’d be allowed to have just me on the call but it’s got to be both of us. Now I don’t know how to explain to her that my husband doesn’t want to take part, as I feel like I’ve given her some hope of me being able to be involved - she said she’d asked other friends and they’d all declined. I know my husband is within his rights to decline as it’s not by force but now it’s put me in an awkward position because I can’t keep saying he’s busy because he does get days off. How can I make her aware that he’s not gonna take part no matter the amount of “rescheduling” that takes place😭 thanks for reading this far

Lesson here is in the future before you agree to something that involves your spouse, you don’t agree to it until you’ve spoken with your spouse.

It’s reasonable to say to someone that you’ll need to confirm with your spouse before agreeing something.

You will have to apologise and let your friend know that unfortunately, your spouse hasn’t agreed to be involved.