How to let someone down gently?

[Faffamufaff]

Would appreciate some advice - so one of my really good friends is training for some kind of certification and as part of her training, she needs to find someone to take part in a video call/information session thing. She called to let me know if I’d be willing to help her and I was more than happy. So I end up finding out that it ideally needs to be a couple as some of the questions/topics would need a male perspective. So we agree a date and I thought it would be fine as it’s just a relatively straightforward video call but when I spoke to my husband about him being involved, he wasn’t too keen. He said that he hasn’t really got time/interest for that stuff and doesn’t want to be involved. I asked my friend if she’d be allowed to have just me on the call but it’s got to be both of us. Now I don’t know how to explain to her that my husband doesn’t want to take part, as I feel like I’ve given her some hope of me being able to be involved - she said she’d asked other friends and they’d all declined. I know my husband is within his rights to decline as it’s not by force but now it’s put me in an awkward position because I can’t keep saying he’s busy because he does get days off. How can I make her aware that he’s not gonna take part no matter the amount of “rescheduling” that takes place😭 thanks for reading this far

That’s why it’s just much better to be honest. Otherwise you just get yourself in a pickle.

What else can you say? You can't force him to do it.

So I end up finding out that it ideally needs to be a couple as some of the questions/topics would need a male perspective. So we agree a date and I thought it would be fine as it’s just a relatively straightforward video call but when I spoke to my husband about him being involved, he wasn’t too keen.

You just need to own the fact you were wrong to agree on behalf of your husband, that he'd take part.

It's quite simple to just say, "I should've asked him first and I'm sorry" 🤷‍♂️

She isn’t making it harder. You are. You haven’t cancelled it. You keep rescheduling so of course she is going to reschedule; she thinks you are still doing it! And you are wasting her time and preventing her from realising she needs to find someone else.

Did you think if you cancelled enough then she would give up and ask someone else? You think that’s actually better and more gentle? Because that’s an awful way to treat a friend. The most gentle way is to just tell her you cant do it and stop messing her around.

It wasn't clear from HER at the beginning that the ask was for you and DH, so she should take some responsibility for this. You should have checked with him once you knew, rather than volunteer him for it.

I do agree that you need to tell her ASAP, that DH won't do it, but you are still willing (if you still want to?).

But you’re the one who created this whole situation, if you haven’t told her your DH won’t do it and have just cancelled the original date without telling her why. Obviously she’s now suggesting other dates, because she doesn’t know the real issue. Which is that you volunteered him without checking with him first.

His flat refusal suggests this may not be the first time, either.

See this as a learning opportunity. You created unnecessary stress for yourself.

I can’t imagine my husband saying no if I asked him to help a friend of mine with me

I feel sad for you that you don’t think this is going to be easy. It’s really not a big deal at all and nor your fault. As many others have said, just tell her you’d have been more than happy to help, but your husband isn’t game. Is she not a nice person? Are you worried about how she’ll react?

I don’t want to be harsh, but you are going to let her down because you didn’t say you needed to ask him before saying you would do it. That’s unfortunate but she should understand, especially as no one else has agreed to do it.

Delaying telling her because it will make you feel uncomfortable is much worse. You are limiting her time for making alternative arrangements.

I can easily imagine saying no if my spouse had a habit of volunteering me for things without asking. My mother used to do this when I was a young teenager, because she was a people-pleaser and didn’t understand that I wasn’t the same person as her. It made me very good at boundaries, and not overstepping the mark by assuming other people are happy to be volunteered by me.

i think your husband is a bit mean tbh , how hard it it to give some time to a help a friend ..but you have messed her around and wasted her time with dithering and cancelling when she could have spent time getting replacements

I can absolutely see my DH saying no to this. We don't even know who will be viewing this video! I wouldn't have volunteered myself in the first place, unless it was only being viewed by the friend and not being broadcast any further.

We also don't know what she hasn't tried roping her husband into other things too!

‘Hi friend! Sorry, DH is not up for the study/survey/whatever it is, so I’ll have to bow out. Hope you find someone! Coffee next week?’

My dh would trust my judgement - if I said yes he would agree

Hi OP, I learned from a similar situation that I shouldn't accept anything on behalf of my OH.
Just tell your friend that you made a mistake accepting on their behalf and that you are happy to help if an individual call Is an option.
There is a reason other people have declined, it's so hard for a couple to give up their free time together.

But your judgement of this thing being something you have time and interest to do doesn’t hold good for another person.

You may think that pretending to be someone buying health insurance or something is fine and not too taxing, because the person involved in getting certification is your friend, and maybe she’s done similar for you in the past. Your spouse may legitimately not feel it’s a good use of his time.

You just have to tell her your husband doesn't want to do it so she'll need to find another couple, sorry about that.
She wasn't clear at the outset. You thought it was just you. Then it turned out she needed your husband to participate too, so at that point you should have said you'd check with your husband and when he said he didn't want to do it gone straight back to her and said sorry, but husband isn't keen so I'll have to pass.

Tell her straight - my husband doesn’t want to / isn’t interested. Tell her you can still. This actually isn’t your problem. Don’t skirt around it or avoid it or take on responsibility that isn’t yours. You are doing her a favour, if she can’t find someone else that isn’t your responsibility.

Well, she’s a lovely person but I think I’m probably overthinking it. I don’t think any of her other friends are married so I think she was so relieved when I agreed, but I definitely should have checked with my husband first.

I‘d tell my husband I’ve buggered up and volunteered is both, and ask him to do it for me.

I think it’s seeming like a bigger deal because deep down I’m a bit worried that maybe she’ll say “it’s fine” but it might upset her slightly? I mean, we are human at the end of the day but yeah I shouldn’t be dragging this out. I appreciate the advice

Seriously, persuade your hubby to do it.

You have to learn to be more straight with people. You agreed to something your husband didn't want to do - that's on you. You didn't get back to your friend earlier - that's on you. Stop trying to be nice and just take action instead so that she has the time to find other people. It's a very minor issue, really.

This

perfectly simple

OP clearly has poor boundaries, advising her to trample on her husband's is not at all helpful.