to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

All depends on individual circumstances. Do the step-grandchildren have another set of grandparents so get more than the grandchildren, what age were the children, are the grandchildren of a similar age etc?

I would expect presents to be roughly the same in value, especially if all of a similar age. I know grandparents who have left inheritance for step-grandchildren but it was because all the grandchildren only had the same 2 sets of grandparents.

Op should definitely leave directly to her biological grandchildren preferably in a trust controlled by someone else that they cannot access till say 25.

Wouldn’t be trusting dd’s partner with it if she inherited.

I also think that the primary responsibility to protect a stepchild rests with their parents, and any adults who have chosen to live with those parents. You can’t expect other people in the situation who didn’t choose it to behave in specific ways. I also think resentment about those wider relationships is often actually about one of the parents being shit (ie a crap dad, and his new wife on here complaining about her mother in law instead of addressing the fact she married a crap dad).

Because I can't afford to pay for 4 grand stepchildren school fees?

Is it cruel to pay for 2 GC school fees but not for 4 SDC school fees?

So school fees should be paid for step grandchildren as well?

Who cares if step children end up with four sets of grandparents? There isn’t a limit to the number of people that can love and support a child.

My step nephew has been in my life since he was 18 months old and I treat him exactly the same as my other nieces and nephews. I don’t invest my love or time based on what ifs like if his parents split up, he’s currently a child in my family and he deserves to be loved and cherished. End of.

Be honest (and I agree with you) - the fact that they aren’t actually your grandchildren is the most salient point. Otherwise you might choose to find one of the six, or three of the six, or whatever.

You are (very generously) funding two because they are your own grandchildren. They are benefiting from being part of your family, and that’s a lovely gift.

Your son in law is a chancer.

You obviously don't like your family very much. Why don't you just cut contact with your struggling step-grandchildren and save everyone the heartache.

I'm not sure what you are hoping to achieve with this thread unless it was to start a fight.

Sparrow7

I was a stepchild. I don't remember ever getting a gift or anything from my stepmothers parents or expecting to? Is this the normal now?

If I visit a house with kids I acknowledge all the kids by giving something, did they ever bring sweets or anything?

Weird reply. There isn't a binary choice here.

In our family the step grandchild (sibling's step) has been treated as a blood relative - but his dad bunked out of his life before he was born.

Sibling's kids (including the "step") from first marriage are completely ignored by his 2nd spouse's family. As though they don't exist. Not even acknowledgement or token gifts when GPs were there for Christmas. Awful. I told them so they ignore my existence too.
Unfortunately for them I am B3st Aunt Ever so they used to hear a lot about me. 😂

All family dynamics will be different depending on different circumstances, some children might become more like family if they are introduced at a young age and have nothing to do with one of thier biological parents, so the step family take over for that side. (This is the case for a child I know.) Other children might be co-parented, only spend every other weekend with dad and therefore scarcely see any step grandparents.

Although I can't think of a good reason not to buy a step grandchild a Christmas present. Other than to make a point and be spiteful.

I'd get something. He's pretty young, and there often enough to be part of the family unit, to the extent it might be a bit awkward if you don't.

Presents are the low hanging fruit in these situations, I think. Easy enough to show goodwill, and substantial potential for resentment if you don't.

I have a stepdad. His parents owned a property abroad and here at home. Never did I expect to receive a penny of inheritance from them and neither did my mum. They had grandchildren they wanted to leave it all to and it wasn’t for me.

I apply that logic to other stepchildren too… It’s not for them.

Something like inheritance is very different to Easter eggs and Christmas presents. I can’t believe people are grabby enough to think ££££ inheritence is in the same category as an Easter egg. The step grandparents should be able to draw a line. All of the children get an easter egg, but the blood grandchildren get a house or money from a house. That’s fair!

100% I agree with this.

Lots of talk of treating them equally so step children aren't upset. What about how the actual children feel? I don't like the assertion that anyone my parent decides to date's child, is just the same as me in my grandparents eyes.

It's different if you've been together since they were a child, and the only family the child knows.

This is 100000% a circumstance dependant question

age of children
ages of other children
age of the children when family blended
do the other children have relationship with the their other grandparents
the relationship with the step parent (are they seen as de facto parent or are they one step removed)

all these things have a complete bearing on how the families blend together.

a situation where a stepdad comes into the life of a 1 year old with a father not in the picture and raises the step child as their child is completely different to stepdad with 2 teenage children marrying someone with 2 pre school children and those children have a full relationship with their dad and grandparents. It is comparing apples and oranges

I think it’s situational. I had a close relationship with paternal grandparents who gave me generous gifts. They ensured they had smaller ‘token’ gifts for my siblings even though they were theoretically nothing to do with them. Having said that though, they would ask me to tell them what they were into so they could try and ensure they were gifts they liked. Similarly, my step grandparents, always included me, made sure I also had a gift from them but it was not of the same value as my siblings, but they asked my mum what I was into and would like, just as they asked about my siblings. So, all I cared about was that they took enough care to get me something I liked/wanted, the $$ value was material to me as a child/teenager.

OP, the SGC were never going to private school in the first place.

Your SIL is a real beauty.
What a CF.
Wasn't paying for his first 4 children and now expects you to do so.

Withdraw the offer.
I would be so disappointed in my daughter in your place.
First in marrying him.
Then for this even to come up.

You have been so kind to step up for your daughters kids when she can no longer keep them in their private school and the tjanks is to try and stiff you for 4 other children that weren't in private schooling in the first place.

Your daughter should be ashamed of herself to entertain this.

I would keep your money.
No further discussion.
Will it to your grandchildren with a letter telling them that you wished to keep them in the school years ago.

Let your daughter deal with the fall out.

Oh and I would be definitely willing money directly to your grandchildren. I certainly wouldn't expect it to filter down.

In my long life too many adult children never saw a penny of inheritance because of their parent dying.

My best friends mother died and left property and a business. Her stupid father remarried 2 years later and he then died. Every penny went to her children.
Her mother must have turned in her grave as it was the last thing she said to him...she died very suddenly.

It would be cruel to not buy gifts for a step child.
Or leave a step child home from a family holiday.

But there should be no stigma to being a stepchild. It is what it is - a non biological, loving, parent/child relationship.
There will be times when they do things with their own parents and when they see their step-parent doing something exclusively with their own child. That is healthy.

The child is not a grandchild like a biological child or an adopted child. Hopefully the child grows up knowing that fact and feeling fine about themselves.

Inheritance is usually to blood relatives so step children being left an inheritance equal to what their step grandparent also leaves their biological grandchild is unfair and should not be expected.

There will be times when step children receive something though and sometimes there will be no biological children.

It's pretty normal that grandparents will adore their grandchildren with feelings stronger than what they feel towards other kids.

I would imagine this is very different from family to family and it is a minefield, particularly when money is involved.
Within my own family DB had a relationship with someone who had a very young child when they met, my parents treated that child equally to their own GC but, after the relationship failed (child was then an older teenager), they did not keep up contact with DB or GPs despite efforts being made so clearly the "step" relationship in that case was not as strong

I'm lucky this is not something we have had to negotiate ourselves but can understand your dilemma regarding the school fees. Ultimately your daughter needs to sort this out with son-in-law and make it clear this is not out of principle but you cannot afford to pay for them all

i agree with you but weirdly i am closer to my step dad than my bio dad, I am actually not sure if I will inherit from him now as he is remarried (i guess he is my step step dad now) and has a step daughter who he has brought up from a teeny baby
I dont EXPECT to inherit from him, I do expect him to leave his wordly goods to his much younger wife & sdd. He is very wealthy actually so him and my mum splitting up did affect my inheritance expectations.
I do have a step nephew and he makes no effort whatsoever to commmunicate with me even tho we get on really well, I have no intention of leaving him anything in my will either.
Funnily enough my step step dad still spoils me constantly and we are v v close, but I don't expect anything from him

Totally depends on context. Eg ages / relationships. There is no correct answer.

They would be in my family.

There is a world of difference between being in a child's life from a very young age and a marriage when they are already grown adults.

It's not about DNA, it's about the quality of the relationship.

What's the obsession with inheritance?
Most people I know who have inherited have done so from their parents not their grandparents.

I will add from experience I had step families but had no relationship with my step grandparents other than in passing when I saw them on family occasions.

they didn’t pay anything for me growing up nor did I inherit anything. Nor did I expect to as they had their own grandchildren. I had a close relationship with my grandparents so we essentially ran as different families completely. this is very specific to my circumstance though.

but OP generally no I would not expect a grandparent to pay school fees for step grandchildren unless the step father had adopted the children as his own (or had adopted in all but same).