to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

So your son-in-law was paying to send his two youngest children to private school but not his four older children and is now expecting you to pay 6 lots of fees?

That doesn't make sense. If he and your daughter were paying for all six of them to go to private school and now only his two youngest kids were going, I could understand his concerns. But he wasn't bothered about the 4 oldest not going to private school when he was paying, why has it changed now?

They should all be treated the same.

My dc step grandparents have been more involved than their biological grandparents ever were.

Blood ties do not equate to decent people.

Very risky approach with such a grabby son in law.

OPs DD might die first. If she does, there's a fair chance she's leaving the bulk of the estate to her spouse. Most people do, afaik. With the level of entitlement he's already demonstrated, he isn't someone to be trusted with assigning and distributing money to OPs GDC fairly. He thinks OP paying for her GDCs education is unfair, who's to say he won't decide to redress the balance?

No they are not.

So all grandstepchildren should be included in the will?

I wondered if perhaps the issue of inheritance had been raised in OPs family also, either explicitly or via hints.

GC are excelling academically while SDC are struggling. As they get older, it is becoming more and more noticeable.

There are lots of 'stepchildren' who have no other parent or grandparents on the scene, whether it be through death or estrangement and sometimes their remaining parent re-marries when they're very young and the step-parent considers the step child their own and visa-versa. I think that's a lovely thing and something I'd look for for my own child whose father and paternal family are absent physically (in another country). If I had further children it'd only be with someone who took on my child as their own. If their parents then tried to treat my child differently I think it'd reflect very poorly on them/ shows meanness of spirit and I'd choose to not engage with them at all in order to protect my child's feelings. Like PPs have said, every situation is different but I think the adults should do the best they can to make children feel loved and welcomed.

They don’t have to but I think it says a lot about a person if they exclude a child like that because they’re not blood related.

Is it miserable to question? So many people say step grandchildren should be treated equally but then draw the line at inheritance. It is not equal then is it?

Of course there is more to life. There is more to life than posting on MN too. Does it make you miserable to post on here?

OP is the mother of the mother so at a certain point it will be obvious that were will be no further grandchildren from her.

I have 3 step children. My parents give them gifts and treats mostly to the same value as my children.
When it comes to inheritance my step children will not get anything.
I think that is the right thing to do in our circumstances. The balance of wealth within the family is tricky.

I am excluding my GSC because I cannot afford to to pay for an additional 4 sets of school fees?

It does depend on the ages of the children at the point of becoming part of the family, to an extent.

However they’re not “the same” and I think it is ok if the step grandparents don’t treat them as such. I think it is also nice for the children to not have to share absolutely everything with step siblings equally.

That isn’t to say that I think step grandchildren shouldn’t be acknowledged as part of the family, have their birthday recognised, be included in Christmas and so on.

You can’t demand equal love, that isn’t realistic but you can expect kindness, and hope that at least a mutual fondness will develop over time.

So do the step dc blood grandparents also buy gifts for the other dc not related to them? Otherwise the step dc would get gifts from 3 sets of grand parents and biological dc only 2 sets. How do you work that, expecting the parents of your ex to buy for your new dc?

I don’t think it’s black and white and each family will be different depending on a number of factors.

This is interesting and I’m sure I’ll refer back to this thread.

DD is divorced with an 8 year old, her boyfriend of two years recently moved in to her house, and his nearly-11 year old is there EOW. I’ve met his child twice, but I’m not sure I’d buy him birthday or Christmas presents. I might need to rethink how to manage this.

OP you seem obsessed with asking people about inheritance. Just be upfront and say that you don't consider the step grandchildren to be your grandchildren, because it's blatantly obvious.

Step child here.... never expected to be treated the same as bio grandkids and highly doubt my step siblings expected it either.
I don't think my mums parents even meant by step siblings?

My daughter has a better relationship with my SD than my bio dad as he is actually interested in being a grandparent. If there is a family holiday where one set of grandkids is paid for, so is the other set.

However I would not expect myself or Dd to be left anything in a will from my SD.

Xmas and birthday presents are managed by my mum buying for her lot and SD buying for his lot.

My dad and by extension I guess, my step mum regularly forget my birthday and do not come to Dds birthday so I expect nothing from either of them.

Every family unit is different and cannot be seen as one size fits all. The problem is everyone's expectations. In a perfect world it would be best to have an open conversation from the start so everyone knows where they stand.

I have four grandchildren - two are biological and two are bonus children. For Christmas and birthdays I buy presents for the biological ones and give my daughter the equivalent in cash for the bonus children. If at any time the whole family are together as they were for my mum's funeral last year we all went out for a meal together including all the children. It has never occurred to me to treat them any differently.

If my DD with the bonus children (they live with their mum and spend holidays with their dad and DD) has a child then I will absolutely treat all three the same.

Why is it cruel if they already have biological grandparents doting on them and their own bio grandchildren are less doted on. That's what you run the risk of happening and causing resentment and division later on in their lives.

OP, I’d be drawing up my will to go to my DGC in this case. I wouldn’t want to risk any of it going to this grabby man. Who knows what he’ll do with it. Seems like he’s realised you have money and his eyes have lit up.

My in-laws treat all my children as grandchildren, only one is related by blood. I love them for this.

I don't expect them to be treated the same in any will though, they have family on their Dad's side.

Step grandchild here.
@betnet
I inherited yes. Why wouldn't I he was my grandad 💙
He took on my mum at 3.

I was talking to my DBIL last month his will is split 6 ways. I was taken back as he has 5 blood neices and nephews. My eldest isn't blood. Yet he's treating him no different to the other 5.

I think it all depends on dynamics, if DP and I split, my son would still see his nana as he goes on the train himself to see her now. Why would that relationship stop she's been there 18 years he is 20 an adult and loves her.

This

I'll put my head above the parapet, and I don't even have grandchildren

Blood grandchildren are different from stepgrandchildren.