to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

I make sure my husband does, because he expected me to be a mum to his 2 kids

You obviously don’t think you’re doing anything wrong so why post?

If you can’t afford to pay for everyone, you shouldn’t pay for anyone. It’s that simple.

I have 3 biological grandchildren, a step grandchild and 2 step grandchildren that were adopted.

Only the biological grandchildren will inherit from me and they get "better" Christmas or birthday presents as they are bought from me.

All the kids get advent calendars, Easter eggs, selection boxes though from me.

Of course no-one HAS to treat children / step dc / grandchildren / step dgc the same. However I do think that everyone involved in any kind of blended family should think through the possible consequences of what they are planning. That includes step parents, and step grandparents, and also the wider family.

If I thought my partner's family would discriminate against my dc I would not have continued the relationship.

My brother was always treated the same (my half brother really) by my dad’s parents, to whom he was their step grandson. He was always the oldest grandchild and given presents/treated the same as the rest of us. My brother even says this.

i don’t know how people can deliberately treat a child as less than

When my mum passed away she left her money to her kids (me and siblings) even though there were gc (all biological). No one, including gc, thought gc should be left anything. I will be leaving my assets to my kids (who are two of the gc) not any gc I might have in the future.

That's a bit different though because that was her and your grandfathers choice to blend families, and they had full control on if they stay together.

I would include step children in an inheritance or give it to the parents to sort out.

Because why cause needless division between the GC and step GC over money?
You may want to ensure your blood family is provided for, when you die, but it may be at the cost of the relationships of those left behind. Is that really the legacy you want to leave? On death I would want to know that my family have each other, much more than knowing they have a pile of money.

I think the school situation you are describing is a bit different though - you’re helping the family to maintain the status quo. The difference in schooling is a decision the parents have already made. There shouldn’t be the expectation that you provide for all six at this point.

DH’s dad probably treats his step-grandchildren ever so slightly better than our DD, but then again two of them live with him, they’re fabulous little kids who he’s known all their life, and they probably need a bit more support, particularly financially, than DD or DH does. Both his step-kids and biological children and grandchildren will inherit equally. Long may it continue

It's fine to only pay school fees for your actual grandchildren.

You are helping their whole family by freeing up some of their money that they would normally spend on fees so you are very generous to all.

I don't think this is really about grandchildren versus step grandchildren, in the end.

Your daughter and son in law were already treating their 'joint' kids differently by paying for them to go to private school. You're just continuing to pay the fees to avoid disruption to their education.

Son in law is extremely cheeky thinking you will fund extra private education that he wasn't even providing to his kids beforehand.

So YANBU on that count.

But you're using this to make a point that you see them differently, and repeatedly asking people here about inheritance. That is unpleasant and unnecessary in this context.

Nobody “has” to do anything. It’s about what works for your family. My parents treat my DSD exactly the same as a biological grandchild and my husband and I wouldn’t accept less for our family, but we all feel the same regarding the complete unimportance of DNA so it’s never been an issue here.

Because more parents are doing it these days to make sure it doesn’t end up in the new husband/wife pocket rather than the grandchildren.

As an extension to that, nobody has to treat any of their relatives' chosen family as family. My MIL certainly doesn't treat me as family even though I married her son... and there has been a fallout from that.

So nobody 'has' to treat stepkids etc the same... but they should likely expect the blended family to retreat from their company if the disparity in treatment is very obvious and unkind.

While I agree on the schooling, it's very optimistic to think leaving it to the parents won't cause any division. For one thing, there's no guarantee the GDC will benefit equally or at all. If DD dies first, she's likely to leave most of her estate to her spouse. We already know SIL is grabby and doesn't like that his older DC aren't getting a private education, so who's to say he won't take the chance to even things up? Big potential for resentment there.

You are like a broken record with your will they also inherit

on most occasions I would expect step grandchildren to be treated the same, so birthdays, Christmas etc etc. School fees is a difficult one and I suppose depends on the ages of the kids, if the step children were already in existence then there is a big age gap potentially so crack on, if they are younger than the non step then that’s different and more noticeable

however parents play a part here, I would never feel comfortable with my child and step children being treated so differently when it came to school fees unless one child was perhaps academically brilliant or had special needs, and I would refuse any offer from a grandparent to pay fees

as to your favourite comment about inheritance I would expect my inheritance to go to my children, not my grandchildren. What my children then decide to do is up to them

I do hope that it’s only school fees you treat allThe grandchildren differently over, but the way your posts sound it isn’t, p

Or remarry again and have more children. OPs grandchildren could be side stepped completely.

In my family only the children of the deceased inherit. They aren't skipped in favour of giving it to grandchildren or step grandchildren. It's up to them if they want to share some of that inheritance or not. Or if grandchildren are included, it's just a small token amount. Not enough for anyone to resent if step grandchildren were included or not.

I don't think there's one set of rules that should apply to all families. It depends on how old the stepchildren were when the families joined, how close in age they are to the blood-kin grandchildren and how much love and support they get from their own blood-grandparents. In some sets of circumstances it is perfectly normal to treat them differently, in others it is positively cruel.

I would never think it reasonable for one child to have a noticably less lavish experience than another of similar age at any family Christmas gathering for example, but if the step child was at a significantly different age to the other children it could be less noticeable if there were differences - but it would still be pretty grim if the 12yo step child got a paperback book while their 3yo half-sister got some amazing £150 toy.

Depends on the age of the child . My parents tried to treat a step grandchild the same way but the child was already 9 when they came into the family. The child already had two sets of grandparents who were very active in their lives so their relationship with my parents never really developed even though my parents tried.

I think there's so many factors to it. My daughter is a step-grandchild on both sides in a way. My mum's new husband thinks the world of her and absolutely dotes on her. He has been around since before she was born. They both spoil her rotten. My new partner's mum is sweet to her but she doesn't have the same relationship with her that she has with her biological grandchild. I can't say it has ever bothered me. She invites us to family things and buys her a little gift at Christmas, that's kind enough.

I think it's very dependent on the type of relationship blended families have with each other.

I don't think you should feel obligated to pay the school fees of your step grandchildren.

My Nan had a few step children and treated us all the same. They are children at the end of the day.

In my real life all blended families know and understand that they have different grandparents and extended family and have no expectations to be treated equally and they don't really consider step-grandparents as grandparents.

That being said. Obviously there are exceptions if the child doesn't have any other grandparents and has known the step parent all their life and that's the only parent they have. And the relationship between step-grandparent has been nurtured etc.

But no I don't think "I married a person with a child. Now pay for their education like you do to my children" should be the default.

Unless there is a massive drip feed about something I think you should be even handed with gifts in front of each other. Anything else is just cruel in my view - if you want to give something more to natural grandchildren then save something for them - far better a 10 er in a pension pot now than more plastic tut etc and honestly the way pensions and house prices are going they will bloody need it

It's perfectly reasonable for you to offer your daughter the money that would be needed to keep the two children she gave birth to in the school they at at.

It would be perfectly reasonable for your daughter and her husband to choose to refuse that money if it's important to them to treat the 6 children equally. However if they only see the 4 step children every other weekend they are only responsible for those children 2/14ths of the time and it would be ridiculous for either your son in law or for you to assume 100% responsibility for their education expenses.

It's fine for you to leave your estate to whoever you choose.