to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

Ah yes, because he had no say in the enrollment of the two, despite knowing the costs of the school fees and the amount of money available to them (which I wager both the DD and SIL knew wouldn't cover the whole time, so they knew it would be finding the money from elsewhere to carry it on or taking them out anyway).

He has no problem with his wife funding these things for her children, no.

He isn’t spending his own money on it however, and they’re not funds that would otherwise be available to his older children.

He's not thinking long term though. He's happy for his wife to fund the start of it. And for her mother to step in after that. And they're still his children too, they aren't just hers.

If this next lot of money doesn't actually materialise or OP loses her money or needs it for care or dies without anything to leave them, they are privately educating two of his children without the funds to continue it or give his other children the same opportunity.

So their choice is then either to pull these two out or continue their private education by finding it themselves, while he doesn't do that for his other kids.

But most people don’t live like this. Yes something might happen in the future and circumstances might change (for anyone). But most of us still commit to that mortgage or buy that car and if circumstances change you decide how to proceed at that time.

are you suggesting that it is wrong to ever enroll children in private school because no one can guarantee the future?

They do have the funds to continue it, which OP has been clear about. Correct, his older children are not hers, and as such she has no financial responsibility for them.

If the money became unavailable for some reason for another, there’s no suggestion that their father would be stepping in to contribute. It doesn’t seem that he could afford to do so, even if he were so inclined.

Money is not being denied to his older children that they would be otherwise have access to.

I'm suggesting it's wrong to enroll them knowing you don't have the funds to continue it, when you know you only have part of the fees.

There was money left to OPs DD for schooling but not enough for the full amount it takes. So unless they knew they could make that up, they went into it knowing they'd have to ask someone for the money or risk pulling them out, or disadvantage the rest of the family to re-distribute the funds to schooling.

This isn't "we can afford this so we'll do it" and then they've unexpectedly lost the ability. They knew they couldn't carry it on.

What is clear is that the Dad is beginning to notice the unfairness. He had a bizarre intended solution to it, though, by trying to tap the OP for money for his other children. On that I agree with the OP. It is one thing to help retain the status quo for your dd and her children and another to make massive changes to arrangements that should only be made by the parents themselves. I still do not buy into the notion that when you marry someone you can, with a clear conscience, just tell yourself that his four children by another woman are his responsibility and if he treats them unfairly, it’s not your problem. That is not my idea of a good marriage.

You were quoting someone else not OP.

Maybe I picked this up incorrectly. I thought the problem was OP’s daughter lost her job. She was paying for her two children. Her circumstances changes so her mum stepped in and continued the fees. Her son in law wasn’t paying. But over time he sees that private school is working well for the two younger children. He can’t afford it. So he asked OP.

what isn’t clear is whether he asked the children’s other grandparents first. Or their mum.

You really don’t want these step kids having anything.

I am one of those people. They, IMO, are jointly responsible for 6 children and should base their decision making on 6, not 2. If they can’t afford to give the same opportunity to all of their kids, nobody gets it.

Whether that happens at their mums house is by the by, your DD and SIL are responsible for fairness under their roof, and they’re not providing that.

And before you remind me that 6 is a lot. My sister and her partner have 5 between them. 3 from his previous marriage 2 together. There is no way he would have been happy with a situation where my 2 nephews were that much “better off” than the 3 stepdaughters.

Besides all of this, it doesn’t sound to me like they can afford to educate any of them privately without family inheritance or your money, so I wouldn’t have sent them to begin with.

If the money for it wasn’t available through our own means, off our own backs, there is no way I’d be happy to educate a child using someone else’s money.

The majority of posters have said that you are not being unreasonable not to pay the private school fees for your daughter's step-children and that your son-in-law was out of order for asking you. They have said the same about them being included in your will, that you are not being unreasonable by not including them.

The majority of posters just feel sorry for the step-children who don't seem to come first in either of their homes. They have two half siblings on both sides so I doubt they get much attention and there is a huge disparity in their living standards compared with your biological grandchildren. The kids are struggling at school and this may be because they live in a chaotic household at their mum's with no-one taking an interest in their education.

I'm not sure what you are achieving by keeping this thread going and posting the same thing over and over again.

Daughter was left inheritance that she spent on private education for the shared children, that pot is now empty so her mum has taken over, at some point she will get more money from another person (I think) and use that.

Her “financial situation” will recover when that arrives, it’s not income or salary related.

I don’t think they have any problem with the stepchildren having what their parents can provide. They aren’t a joint expense their father shares with his wife though, as she isn’t financially responsible for them.

No one said you’d have to be happy about it. You’re free to make decisions regarding your own family, same as OP and her family are free to make decisions for theirs.

😂 I am lost then . OP said

Circumstances change in life. Parents were paying themselves but then because of job loss, I stepped in.

i assumed that he daughter would have been able to continue to pay from her salary but it was a change in circumstance that meant OP stepped in

This is a really shitty attitude. Imagine being 13, your mum and dad had divorced 2 years ago which messed you up a bit. Then she met someone else who you had to move in with, with his 2 younger kids. Then they had a baby. Over Christmas at your step dad's parents' place all the younger kids are clearly favoured because they're cute. There are cousins there too. You feel horribly awkward and out of place. Then you get crap presents that are half the value of all the other children's. I could not do this to a child, and I'd never go back for celebrations if any child was treated like this.

Can I ask those saying OP IBU? At what point should wider family start treating kids of new partners like their own? After a year? When they’re married? Immediately? Some people are very chaotic (my brother) and feel the need to introduce a new girlfriend every other month and being their new “stepchild” round too. Sometimes at Christmas. My mum will spend £200 on my nephew at Christmas. Should new girlfriend of 3 month’s kids also have £200 each spent on them even though we all know we will never see them again after that?

I don't know who else he asked. I am pretty sure he did not ask his wife as she is on benefits.

They are not favoured because they are cute.

Piles of presents are bigger for the children because DD's friends only buy for her two not the 4 SC. Same for a lot of relatives also who only buy for her two.

Lovely if you could never do this to a child but not every one has money to buy for 6 children.

My DD’s boyfriend has moved into her house, she has one child, his son is there EOW. Even if they get married, his son is not another grandchild to me. He has two biological grannies. He won’t be coming here for sleepovers, I won’t have his photos around the house, I won’t be taking him for days out, any more than his own grannies would with my DGS.

If DD or I could afford for DGS to be privately educated, neither of us would think her boyfriend’s son should have equal access to either of our budgets. It’s for his own parents and grandparents to finance him.

This is what people are proposing. Saying things like they could never be so cruel and unkind to a child and they would never attend such celebrations again unless the same exact money was spent on every single child by every family member or friend,

I do the same. I don't have the 4 step GC for sleepovers, no photos or days out. They also have two sets of biological grandparents to do that for them.

I would not take those 4 children and make them watch their siblings open big piles of presents from various members of family and friends.

At the very least, that should be at a separate time so they don’t have to sit there while the others are spoiled.

That is just outwardly unkind.

What do you expect to happen at a party or family celebrations? Usher them away? Even if they do not see the present opening, they will see all the gifts as they all share the same home at the weekend. Should all the gifts be hidden away so the SC do not get hurt? The SC bring gifts that they have received from their own biological grandparents or extended family to their father's home. Is that just outwardly unkind?

Part 2 here if anyone would like to continue the discussion

Do you think the exact same should be spent on stepGC as GC?

What about the fact the StepGC will have their own GPs to get presents from?