to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

Very cheap gifts does not really work for all 6 of different ages unless it is £1 lipgloss. I am already spending thousands on school fees. It is not just telling grandpa not to give to anyone. There are many friends and family relations who spend on the GC.

What other many solutions do you have?

My stepmum treats my children the same as her biological grandchildren. My dad treats my step siblings children the same as mine. One of my stepsiblings has a stepchild who is also treated the same as all the others.

There's never any distinction between biological and nonbiological grandchildren, financially or otherwise. I'd think less of them if my stepsiblings stepchild wasn't treated equally to be honest, even if it meant they could help my children more.

Id go and see a therapist if you feel the need to tell another total stranger they don't deserve love because they don't necessarily think a step child should have the right of inheritance.

What on earth is wrong with you? And what happened to you to make you so spiteful and nasty. I feel sorry for you but you've given me a good laugh. It's amazing such spiteful people exist that they can feel so hateful towards a complete stranger.

It is not very difficult when it is one. In my scenario, there are 4 step GC. The step GC also have a further two half siblings from their mothers side.

Most people (unless they have huge wealth) cannot ensure there is no distinction financially when it is a lot of children.

The mother is selfish because she had four children by a man, then left him for another man with whom she had more children, none of whom she can afford to support. The father is selfish because he had four children by one mother, then started again with another woman who views his pre-existing children as a burden she has to accept, so he is willingly bringing his children into an environment where they have their noses rubbed in the fact that they are a bit of a burden to the new wife and thus a bit of an inconvenience to their own father who now has other children to focus on. The OP’s dd is selfish because she has been actively involved in the creation of a situation where the step-children see their father in a “home” that feels less like a home and more like a place where they are reminded that he moved on to a new family and left them a little bit behind as nobody’s real priority. The OP is selfish because she talks about the step-children as though they are burdens and there are too many of them to accommodate, but doesn’t think that this is a selfish view towards children that are part of her life as a result of the actions of her own child. It’s all just lacking in affection. And my perspective is, if you can’t love someone else’s dependent children and care for them as well as your own, then you shouldn’t marry them.

What an inaccurate view of the situation @Walkaround

The OP is selfish because she talks about the step-children as though they are burdens and there are too many of them to accommodate, but doesn’t think that this is a selfish view towards children that are part of her life as a result of the actions of her own child.

What do you expect me to do? Pay for school fees for all of them? Pay for horse riding, school trips and uniforms for all of them?

I do not have endless amounts of money. How is this a selfish view towards the children? The children have a further two half siblings.

Do you have the funds to treat 8 children the same financially? I don't.

Your DD and SIL are treating their DC inconsistently in terms of education and expensive hobbies.
It's on them to decide.
If they were fucked off with you paying for horse riding they should have told you not to.

They are perfectly happy with the inequality of education/ hobbies - it's on them.

@betnet and for the eleventy billionth time....... How old are your GC and SGC?

Genuinely why won't you answer this question?

If the four older children want riding lessons, would their own grandparents help? Would their father’s parents help equally with his two youngest children, even if their maternal grandmother apparently had more disposable income? It seems OP is expected to open a bottomless purse for children who have their own mother, a stepfather, and various living biological grandparents, but only the OP is under pressure from her son in law.

Yes this is what I’m not getting. All these other relatives of the step Gc that certainly won’t be paying for the OPs two bio GC but for some reason the OP is being expected to finance them too

But, @betnet, if all the children were your biological grandchildren, you wouldn’t pick out just two of them to favoritise, would you? So stop banging on about how expensive it is that there are so many of them, as though that really has anything to do with it.

Maybe, if the OP’s dd really wanted to ensure private school, riding lessons and an inheritance for her children, she should have married someone who didn’t already have four children.

I've just been reading a thread where people have been asking what a step-grandmother should be called. Some people have been very firm that step-gran should only be called by her first name because "the children already have a grandmother".

Under those circumstances, I'd be very surprised if someone sought financial support from the step-grandmother.

Private school would probably never have been on their radar as an expectation, like it isn't for most blended families and most people. The difficulty is with the step dc having it waved in front of their noses all the time. It's an unfortunate blended family situation. I don't think you should pay for everyone, but there's no denying it's unfortunate to have a blended family of haves and have not children

The SC live in a household where their mother and step father and do not work and part of the time with my DD and SIL who both work. It is impossible to make things equal on both sides. The side who has more can't cover all the costs of another household of four children and then they have an additional two siblings as well.

It's not fair on the SGC but that's not OPs fault. She didn't say "tell you what, send two of your six to private school and I'll pay". Their father and OPs DD decided to send their two youngest, despite there being another four of his offspring requiring education.

Then they couldn't afford it so OP stepped in to prevent her grandchildren having their education disrupted.

OPs DD and her husband created the inequality, not OP, it's not up to OP to make it equal.

However, OP has been asked a lot of questions around the set up and ages of the kids and not answered them, instead choosing to bang on about inheritance and finances. So it does make it seem like OP doesn't want to treat all the kids equally. Which is her choice, it's her money. But if she'd answered questions and given more context instead of solely focusing on finances, she may have had more sympathy and useful responses.

I deliberately have not answered the ages of the children as not to give too many details away @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

I have answered many questions about the set up.

I have had many useful responses and I appreciate those. Thank you to everyone who shared their perspective even it is different to my own.

The ages of them and the ages they were when they became part of your family are relevant.

If they've been part of your family since they were 1 and now they're 17 then you not seeing them as "yours" feels cold. If they were 14 when you met them and now they're 19, it's different.

And you could give vague ages or made up ones around the age they are so as not yo be so specific.

You have seemed very focused on the financial aspect, rather than the family aspect, which is why people have been so combative.

I have been focused on the financial aspect because of the school fees issue. If you come to a forum to discuss a specific issue then it does not mean the family aspect does not matter.

Even if I feel like the children are 100% mine, my finances still do not stretch to cover costs for all 6 of them. It is not about being cold.

They have been in my life for many years but at the same time I have not spent a huge amount of time with them. SIL usually takes them to his side of the family during contact time.

I have closer bond with my GC who I have spent significant more time with, sleepovers, days out etc.

But in situations like this it's impossible to keep them all the same. The fact is the SGC do have their own wider family who will give them gifts but not OPs GC. So in a situation like this they can never all get the same.

Children are not stupid, they know OP is not their grandmother and can understand that it's a different relationship.

@betnet I don’t see anyone on this thread saying that you should be paying school fees for the 4 SGC, nor is anyone expecting them to inherit.
I don’t think anyone would expect the uncle on your side to be buying gifts for them ( and honestly he doesn’t need to for the 2 biological go either)

What we see is 2 blended families, with 8 (!) children between them , and vast inequities being perpetrated.

That is not your fault/ problem/ issue to fix.

I didn't say you should cover them. I actively said it's your daughter and her husbands actions that made it unequal and it's not up to you to fix.

I simply gave you an insight into why people are saying you're cold and/or cruel towards the SGCs, and it's because you just keep talking about how financially you can't cover it.

If all six of your daughter's DC/SDC were actually your biological GCs, would you have paid for two private schools or would you have said "no, I can't afford all six and that's not fair and I won't be part of it"?

@betnet - if your grandchildren end up leaving their private school because of their father, then just put the equivalent amount into a trust for them to access after the age of 18/21/25 - as you see fit.
These days even amongst middle class well to do parents not everyone goes to private school anymore. Plenty save for their DCs and grandchildren to cover future housing deposits and uni fees instead. Which is a massive advantage later on.

OPs DD and her husband created the inequality, not OP, it's not up to OP to make it equal.

I think you must have missed where I wrote

I don't think you should pay for everyone