to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

So the dd has to limit her choices because her partner can’t afford to pay for his other dc?
And the other dc have new siblings on their mother’s side. So if they get private education should the ex’s new dc also be expected to get it? Because it’s not fair right? For the 4 to be privately educated but their new siblings on their mothers side not to be. That’s exactly the same situation but in the other house.

And if the current couple split up you think the 4 half siblings will still be financed? Even though they are not related to the person financing them?
you are being quite irrational.

blended families are not simple. It’s nut just a straight rule. So many variables

By buying into do you mean ‘being a grandparent’? Are you suggesting they don’t grandparent their dgc?

@springbringshope@Chezxx@betnet my comments are directed at @betnet’s DD’s life choice in choosing a man who is OK with this.
Agree blended families are complicated but as a father I don’t understand how the SIL is OK with this.

That’s not who or what I was answering.

However OP has also said that the SC notice a difference in gifts, as they don’t get the same then.

FWIW I think the daughter and SIL should be educating and clothing their own kids. All of them. OP being involved at all is part of the issue IMO.

I also firmly believe that those children, who apparently do get less for birthdays and Christmas and don’t get access to the same treatment as the biological grandchildren, are evidently being separated and left out, and I don’t believe that’s fair on them.

The chain of posts you responded to go back directly to a post by the OP

This is not about presents, it's about school fees. And none of us have any authority to tell the OP how to spend her money.

I also firmly believe that those children, who apparently do get less for birthdays and Christmas and don’t get access to the same treatment as the biological grandchildren, are evidently being separated and left out, and I don’t believe that’s fair on them.

How should this be addressed @SleeplessInWherever ?

Yes the step GC get less because most friends and family relations do not buy for all 6. It is a lot to expect all the extended family to buy for all 6 children rather than two. DD cannot insist that her uncle buys for all 6 children. A lot of DD friends have children and they only buy for her children not the SC because 6 is too many to buy for.

Honestly, it sounds like everyone is okay with the separation and difference. It’s my view that they shouldn’t be.

My sister has stepchildren, one of whom has kids. If I left out her grandchildren (because that’s how she sees them) she would be hurt. They’re all adults now but when the SC were younger, they too were included, in the same ways my biological nephews are.

It’s not yours to address - your daughter and SIL should be leading on seeing them as one family, and it sounds to me like nobody does.

I think it depends. If the step child lives permanently with the grandparents son/daughter and doesn't have any contact with the other side of their family then of course they should treat the grandchildren the same just as they would if they were adopted.
If the step children are rarely at the grandparents so /daughters house and the grandparent has no relationship with them then perhaps not.

Do you not consider that it can be a financial issue? DD's uncle is a pensioner and unwell. He can't afford to be buying gifts for 6 children no matter how DD and SIL lead the way that they are one family.

I don't understand this question.
I have blood grandchildren who I love but they are not included in my will because my money will be divided equally between my children. (If my husband predeceases me) Then it will be up to them to decide what to do with the money

People are saying step children should be treated equally but often they will often not go as far as including them in the will. If they truly think they should be treated equally, then they should include them in the will.

I suppose if they wanted to do have a blended family thoughfully they could have planned/researched what that would look like in advance and whether they would keep things on a more even field in regards to school and extra activities. (Not blaming you for this, you didn't facilitate the discrepancy or the familiy at large of course.) That might mean no private school, trips that they take all the kids on that might be less fancy. Perhaps if you have a sleepover with your gc they could be doing something fun with the other four. I'm sure the sgcs have family time with their mom's side that the gcs aren't included in, and that's ok and expected.

The gifts from others is harder, if there was only one sc people would probably give 3 presents. Maybe they could open friend gifts when the others aren't around.

If you do want to do something to address it, I would maybe encourage your daughter to press her husband to get them tutors and help them more with their school work. It seems like he was hoping you paying for school would be a solution where he wouldn't have to put any more effort in himself.

Obviously we are talking about a pretty extreme economic divide here, hopefully his paying child support makes it a little less stark.

Would people not be up for buying "for the family" instead of individual children?

We have cousins coming out of our ears. My parents / aunt's and uncles sent a card and present "for the family" which depending on the person sending could be a tin of biscuits or a plant or could be a new games console. My parents spend money on our family units evenly, so for example £100 split between me, DH and DD, £100 split between my one sister, her DP and her 2 DS's and £100 between my other sister and her DH who have no kids.

Mine and DHs siblings (and us) buy purely for the kids and not for the adults. Again, we would try and find something "for the family" or we'd just spend the same amount per "unit".

There's ways around it. Kids don't need to be spoilt or have money thrown at them to know they're loved.

Do they have to? No
Should they? Yes.
I think it’s incredibly mean to treat them differently and it’s really hurtful as a child.

How does adoption work for this scenario? Or inheriting from friends?

There's a thousand nuances to step families, they all vary massively. There can be an incredible amount of love. Something you must be sorely lacking, and don't deserve with that attitude.

I think it’s incredibly mean to treat them differently and it’s really hurtful as a child.

Barring situations where the stepparent has been in the child’s life since they were tiny and they’ve known no other parent, surely children know that their stepmother’s mother isn’t their grandmother but is the grandmother of their half siblings? (In the same way that, if they have a functional relationship with their mother, with whom they live most of the time, they understand that their SM isn’t their mum but has that relationahip with their half siblings because she’s their mother?). Sure - in one of the cases I referenced upthread, where the stepdad had taken on a child when he was 2 and was (for all practical purposes) his dad, it would have been upsetting had his parents done the “you’re not my grandson” dance. But in most cases (and sounds like this is the case here), kids have their own maternal grandparents, so will totally “get” that they aren’t related to their stepmother’s mother.

I do, however a PP has suggestions for that.

Presents opened separately so nobody is made to feel left out, buy everyone in that household less so everyone gets something, buy the whole family a gift rather than individuals. There are ways to not make the children feel different.

I’ll use the horse riding analogy - I believe that your DD and SIL should pay for all of their kids to do a relevant leisure activity, or none of them. That’s no reflection on whether you do, the drive for treating them all fairly comes from home.

I as the sm asked my parents to include my sc in their will. Because I love them and want them as equals to my child.
Gifts and granddad not having money for everyone...The solution is to get very cheap gifts for all or for you to secretly pay for them. Or grandpa doesnt give to anyone. Ther Really are many solutions if you look for them.

I really do not understand people on this thread.
I have step children and my own children. I expect my DH to treat all his children the same with what he has. They are all the same in his eyes.
I will spend my own hard earned money on my own children and my DHs ex will do the same for hers. I will not pay for hers, she and my DH can do that.
We are all looking after our own children.
My parents paid for my children and DH and I to go to Disney world, Lapland, New York and many other places. I am not turning that down for them in case it is deemed “unfair” to my step children. I would never expect my parents to pay anything for grandchildren that aren’t theirs.
Equally I didn’t care when DH ex spent thousands of pounds on each of her children for Christmas whilst I only spent around £200 on mine. Nor did I care when my DH ex bought her kids a car each on their 17th. Her choice to spend money on her kids, same as I do with mine.
Blended families are complicated and, if the kids don’t live together full time, they are not equal - no matter how you look at it.
If my parents had wanted to pay for my step children to come to Disney with us then they would have had that, plus their own holiday with their own mum and plus far more expensive Christmas presents. So how is that “equal” for my own children?
As far as inheritance goes - everything my husband and I have is shared. My kids will get my half. His kids - including our shared ones and the ones from his first marriage - will get his half. My parents have provided for my kids in their will. His other kids will also inherit from their own mum and other grandparents.
I don’t see why people don’t get that.

This, absolutely.

Certainly when stepchildren have their own grandparents actively in their lives, they don’t need their step-parent’s parents to equate them to biological grandchildren.

So basically you’re saying that I shouldn’t pay for my children to do horse riding and other sports out of my earnings because I can’t afford to pay for my step children to do the same. But my step children’s mother can pay for my SC (her children) to do skiing and a musical instrument? So the SC do all that and mine shouldn’t do anything??
Unbelievable

Kindly meant but the fact is OP's daughter seriously married down.

What women in her right mind marrys a man with 4 children, that actually wants to have a family herself?

A spectacular lack of judgement.
Borne out by him approaching his MIL to pay for his first 4 children to attend private school,......like his second family children....whom are being paid for solely by his wife.

I would be mortified at my daughters poor judgement to have made such a choice to marry him.

What EXACTLY is he doing to improve his childrens poor outcomes at school, bar hassling his MIL to pay for them to attend private school, now that he sees how well his youngest children are doing, ..........due to their mothers sole sacrifice?

Has he found money for tutors?
Has he spent hours reading with his children?
Hours doing their homework and extra math?
The kind of effort parents put in when they really want their children to do well?

Or has he limited himself to asking his MIL to dip into her funds to fix his children's educational shortcomings?

He's a joke.
The OP's daughter should be cringing at her choices.

The OP is the poor parent looking on at this shit show and trying to do right by her grandchildren, by offering to keep them in their existing schools.

Her thanks is to be approached by her wide boy SIL to pay for his children while she is at it.

Yes, I agree, but in my case I couldn’t afford that sort of help anyway.

I didn’t say anything about “I” or individuals paying for anything.

In our case, our funds are pooled. I don’t, as you mention above, expect my partner to support his son with what he has, because he doesn’t have anything - we do. We both contribute to bringing up his son, from one “pot” that we have both put into.

I have mentioned above he’s an only child, because we couldn’t provide for two either financially or in any other way, due to his needs. But part of that is because I don’t believe I could take from that pot for our kids (if we had any) and not do the same for my stepson. What happens at his mums isn’t my problem - in our house I would want us to be providing the same.

How does it work financially? I pay for horse riding for GC. Should I be paying for the 4 step GC as well? It is financially impossible to pay for 6 of everything to make it equal.