to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

You were helping your daughter out who got in a sticky financial situation, I personally would think it was madness for you to pay for four step gran children's private education. If their dad and your daughter split you'd possibly not even see them again. You buy them all easter, bday and Xmas gifts and are kind to them in that sense. I think it's fine to pay for the other things for only your grandchildren.

I do feel sorry for the four kids though as it sounds like there's a huge difference between their lives and your grandchildrens. I can imagine that will cause some jealousy, but that's certainely not anything for you to need to resolve or worry about.

I don't know how SGC should never be made to feel like they are less. They are clearly disparities. Efforts are made but relatives and friends are more generous on DDs side than SILs side so there are vastly different gifts being opened on special occasions.

SGC do notice. Most other relatives and friends do not buy for the SGC. It is too much too ask to expect everybody to buy for 6 instead of 2.

6 is limiting in many other ways too. I only have my GC for sleepovers. I can't accommodate all 6. 6 is too much for me to handle for my health issues also.

The father is the one responsible for his children, so the ‘blame’ does very much fall on him, if we’re looking at it from the perspective that a stepmother not taking on a parental role is ‘wrong’. If the SIL wanted a partner that was willing to take on his children as her own (and it doesn’t actually seem to be the case that he was looking for that), then the onus was entirely on him to not start a relationship with someone that wasn’t going to do that. That is not something a parent can expect to happen, as if that is a universal understanding as to what being a stepparent means.

OP’s daughter isn’t wrong to not take on responsibilities that weren’t and aren’t hers. Of course she parents and takes responsibility for her own children - they’re her children. Her stepchildren aren’t her children any more than her MIL is her mother, and she doesn’t need to pretend or act otherwise. That doesn’t mean that not treating them the same is unkind or treating them as baggage she merely tolerates. She treats them differently because they are different, as I’m sure they consider and treat her differently than they do their mother.

Agree completely with @sandyhappypeople

The school fees ARE a red herring and completely irrelevant as the decision to treat these sets of DC differently in terms of education was already made by SIL and DD.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

@betnet I do think treating them the same in everyday scenarios is important which is why I asked you if you were giving them the same Easter eggs

For the final time, I will ask you the ages of your GC and your SGC - I think this really does matter in terms of family dynamics

Speaking as someone who is now a step parent, and who’s father and stepmum used to clearly favour those who lived there full time - they will.

I’m talking laptops for Christmas for their kids, and my stepmothers kids, but £1 lipgloss for us. Trust me, you remember the differences.

I didn’t say anyone was “wrong,” I said everyone is being selfish. Wrong and right is for moral absolutes - fully selfish and self-centred, or totally selfless.

Buying ice cream and Barbie dolls is a very different situation to paying school fees.

Really, how can anyone deny you are looking at things from a selfish angle if you are so focused on who is most to blame or who “should” support the children, that you don’t actually care that the children are not being adequately supported? Clearly the OP’s conscience has been piqued, or she wouldn’t have posted about this in the first place. Life is messy and we won’t always feel 100% righteous about our choices, but we have to choose the path we feel most comfortable with.

Honestly, yes. If you cant afford it for all your grandchildren you can’t afford it. My view is irrelevant of course but don’t be surprised if your ‘real’ grandchildren think less of you and your decisions when they get older and see how their siblings were treated in comparison.

But the OP can afford it for all her grand children (there are 2), it’s the 4 step grand children that she can’t afford to fund (and nor should she have to)

How is each person in the scenario selfish?

OP has two grandchildren and she is paying for them all to go to private school.

Her DD’s, DH’s children, with his ex-partner, are not OP’s grandchildren.

That’s why ‘wrong’ was inverted commas. I know you didn’t say OP or her daughter were wrong, but you presented selfishness here as being as bring inherently a negative or at least less favorable attribute, when it isn’t.

Really, how can anyone deny you are looking at things from a selfish angle if you are so focused on who is most to blame or who “should” support the children, that you don’t actually care that the children are not being adequately supported? Clearly the OP’s conscience has been piqued, or she wouldn’t have posted about this in the first place. Life is messy and we won’t always feel 100% righteous about our choices, but we have to choose the path we feel most comfortable with.

Worrying about whether these children are being adequately supported isn’t her burden to carry. 🤷🏻‍♀️

People can post about things for the sake of venting, talking things out, wanting to look at something as reflective of a wider issue…many reasons that have nothing to do with a conscience being piqued. I think that often gets projected onto posters by those that want to believe that someone feels bad

My parents included all the step GC/GGC in their will equally to their biological GC/GGC they were all a part of our family and nobody had any issue with it.

I just cannot believe anyone thinks a grandparent able to help with school fees for their daughter’s children should by default pay school fees for their daughter’s stepchildren too. Who actually does this in reality? The father of four children with his first wife cannot seriously expect his second wife’s mother to pick up school fees for his older children too. The OP’s daughter wanted HER children to have a private education, and her income allowed her to afford it, her husband’s children from his first marriage aren’t in any way entitled to the same investment from her or her mother.

My DD and her boyfriend aren’t married but he has moved into her house, and his son is there alternate weekends. I hope they don’t marry, but if they do, there is absolutely no way I would treat his son as I treat my daughter’s son. He has two of his own grandmothers for sleepovers or whatever. I’ve only met the child twice but on the back of this thread I might now consider getting him a token Christmas or birthday present.

I’m pretty sure his dad’s mother doesn’t treat my grandson as “equal” to hers either, they have had a special bond since his birth and you don’t get that by throwing kids into another family unit just because parents with children want to blend families.

With 4 kids. Yes. They should.

Shit happens, but then going onto have more kids... Unless he is Elon Musk, he is an irresponsible sperm spreader.

Your daughter is also an idiot. You aren't far behind her with buying into this shit show.

Surprised this ridiculous thread is still ongoing.

I think we can see who the idiot is here.

Thank you for your post @YourWinter If your dd will marry her boyfriend at some point, I would try and encourage her to read some step parenting forums. It gives a real insight to some potential issues and helps to navigate difficulties that may crop up.

It sounds like she is already quite involved with his son if her boyfriend has moved into her house and the son visits there.

No, you are an ungrateful poster. An idiot too.

I have given you my time and thoughts. As have others.

You keep repeating yourself, you are not sincere at all.

But in the spirit of 33 pages, yanbu to not want to pay for kids who belong to the man your dd shags.

@moveoveralice the thread is still going because OP keeps coming back every 5 posts saying ....

'but should I pay my SGC school fees?.....' even though it is obviously nothing to do with her and everything to do with the decisions made by her DD and the sperm donor.

OP refuses to tell us the age of the GC and SGC - who's betting that some of the SGC are nearly out of school anyway?

This is not analogous to what the OP is talking about at all

If you can’t see an issue with your DD marrying a man who is happy to have two different standards for his 6 children, then you need to have another think about it.
Does your DD accept her son’s four DC to be a complete part of the family? If so, how is she happy with the discrepancy in their upbringing?

All your questions are directed at DD rather than the SIL. He is the father.

Does it mean that their joint children should not be privately educated (DD has paid) because they can't pay for all 6 children? The ex-wife has also had a further two children so again more discrepancy amongst siblings. So should those children be privately educated too? Where does this end?

I don't have that kind of money and neither does DD, SIL or the ex wife and her husband.

Why should the OP's daughter be dictated to by the educational choices he made in an earlier relationship with a woman on benefits?

The OPs daughter made the decision to privately educate her children and crucially pay for it herself.

Their father doesn't pay for their education.
Hence the calamity when the OP's daughter has lost her well paid job.

As ‘a complete part of her family’? What does that even mean? As her children? No, because they’re not. That she doesn’t assume responsibility for them doesn’t mean she doesn’t consider them part of her family, however. They are, as her stepchildren.

Why would she take issue with the discrepancy in their respective upbringings? Is she supposed to be concerned about that when their actual parent isn’t?

@betnet

FFS are you a bit thick?

How many times do you need to read:
'No you don't need to pay private education for your SGC'

With a PS of your DD and sperm donor are weird for treating their DC differently