to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

Coming from the other side of this I’m a ‘non step’ child and if I’d seen my grandparents treat my older brother and sister (their Step grandchildren) differently from me and my other sibling I would have been confused as a child and appalled as an adult. Luckily they weren’t twats and I know they loved and treated them the same as us, we all speak fondly of happy memories with them and I’m pleased we all had the same experiences as siblings

Is it being a twat if a grandparent doesn't pay school fees for GC and step GC?

What's the problem then if everyone is in harmony?

Is this thread about debating over giving inheritance to SGC?
Your sil accepted your no so what is it?
Are you disappointed with your DD choices?

I honestly don't understand why you are upset and argumentative?

He accepted your no. Do you feel guilty for not paying for someone else's children?

What makes you think I am getting upset?

I do wonder why you keep getting the situation wrong time and time again though.

I have two gorgeous grandchildren who I love more than anything in the world…literally! I don’t have step grandchildren, but if in the future my daughter married someone with children, I know FOR A FACT that I would not love them like I do my own grandchildren. I would treat them with absolute kindness of course…but they wouldn’t inherit when I die, for example, and I wouldn’t pay (or offer!) to take them away on holiday (like I do with my two). I’m assuming they would have their own grandparents, so equally I would not expect them to consider me as a ‘new grandma’. I’d just be ‘Bumble…Jack and Isla’s Granny’.

I don’t think you are being unfair. You didn’t choose to have all these kids in your family and now be expected to fork out for them. If the parents split they will stop being your step GC but your gc will always be yours! So no I wouldn’t feel bad at all and be guilted into doing things equally.

I think it is perfectly natural to feel exactly the same about step GC. Some people seem to equate with cruelty.

Thank you ❤

I do think the parents should be doing more to arrange tutors to give the kids more support.

Agree. There are teachers on the mothers side so it could easily be arranged.

I’m really confused now. I posted before saying that I agreed that the OP was doing the right thing based on her circumstances and any problem here was really down to the SIL.
However it seems the SIL asked, and accepted when the OP said no.

So why the thread on Mumsnet? Is the OP annoyed the SIL asked and wanted to see whether that annoyance was justified? Personally I would be too.

Or is she concerned that this indicates the SIL’s attitude towards what he may expect the OP’s will / any inheritance to be?

I’d like to know because the OP’s responses are genuinely confusing me. I now don’t understand the point of the thread apart from causing people to argue on the internet. Something we don’t need anymore of in all honesty!

I would never treat a step grandchild differently to my own grandchildren. Stretching the money might mean smaller presents for them all, but I hope my grandchildren would be happy for their extra member of the family. That’s the point, they are part of the family, and deserving of love and equal treatment.

I think that is easy to say for small gifts and treating them well. It is more complex when it comes to school fees, inheritance etc.

No, but the school fees is a red herring, THEY weren't paying for the 4 children to go to private school so why should you, you are using is as a 'gotcha' in response to people, but the school fees is completely irrelevant in this scenario, there is absolutely no expectation that you would pay for the other 4, as they were never in private school to begin with.

Paying for nice treats like horse riding lessons or days out is a wholly different thing IMO.

You are the one insisting that you should "support your family", but at the same time insisting that you shouldn't have to pay for anyone not related to you by blood.. they are still your family, whether they will be in the future is irrelevant to what they are to you in the present.

That may be why inheritance is a moot point, and why people don't put much thought into it like you are, why plan for a future that may not be applicable, give to the parents and they will decide how to split it fairly.

Where is the gotcha? School fees are not irrelevant. You are saying it does not matter because the step GC were never in private school to begin with. It clearly did matter to the SIL.

People are saying they should be treated exactly equally and it is cruel not to, I do not have endless amounts of wealth. Yes the step GC are family but I cannot afford another 4 sets of school fees. I have supported them in other ways but not for bigger purchases.

Someone has already explained why it is not a good idea to leave the inheritance just to the parents.

Honestly, yes. If you cant afford it for all your grandchildren you can’t afford it. My view is irrelevant of course but don’t be surprised if your ‘real’ grandchildren think less of you and your decisions when they get older and see how their siblings were treated in comparison.

👀🍿

Leave your GC everything in your will that solves all problems. Your SGC won't get a look in. That's the only way around it.

I don't think they will struggle to understand how I didn't have money for an additional four sets of school fees, along with horse riding, school trips and uniforms.

Where is the gotcha?

Because the school fees are a complete non-issue! you have agreed to take over from your daughter in financial difficulty paying for the two already in private education, he's asked the question about the other 4 on the off chance, you've said no, he's accepted it no problem.

The only person making an issue of it is you, and anytime any one says anything about what you pay for, you immediately jump to 'I CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY SCHOOL FEES FOR SIX CHILDREN!!' yet no one is 'expecting' you to, he ASKED, you said no, end of story really. I'm not sure why you keep coming back to it.

Except in fairytales and pantomimes, it is never really the case that the fault is all on one side. Everyone involved has made their own self-centred calculation. It is certainly self-centred to argue that your partner already having living children in need of support is nothing to do with you and not your problem when you are bringing more children into the world with them, so there is obviously room for argument over what degree of involvement and support is reasonable and possible from anyone close to the situation. Society as a whole has already decided on its degree of involvement via the benefit system.

Clearly the OP’s dd is not the best and kindest step-parent ever, because she has chosen a point partway along the line from being the wicked, murderous stepmother at one end to being the fairy godmother (with an even more generous fairy grandmother) at the other. The position she has chosen clearly suits her own agenda (getting the biological kids and partner she wants and tolerating his baggage whilst ensuring the step-children impact on her and her biological children’s quality of life as little as possible). The OP has likewise chosen a position that she is comfortable with - to ensure her biological grandchildren are prioritised. If her dd had a different set-up and a closer relationship herself with the step-children, I still think the OP’s position would likely change, because the OP is clearly not making decisions based on any moral absolutes, but more on what she thinks is most supportive to her dd.

OP, please don't worry about it.

You are absolutely entitled to spend your money how you see fit and your grandchildren will not think any the less of you because of it.

There seem to be a lot of people on this thread with ideas coming from their own specific circumstances, rather than reflective of broader attitudes. None of that is relevant to the choices you make.

I really don’t think they will care a hoot.

In fairness OP, I think when people say 'treat step children equally' I doubt they are talking about financial burden.

If someone said that to me I would assume that they mean to treat them as part of the family, as if they had been there the whole time and not penalise them for not being blood related to me (or for the fact that they may not be part of my life in the future). Most grandparents do not have as much of a financial input as you are having (you are basically assuming the financial role of a parent here which is quite unusual IMO), they'll buy gifts on birthday and holidays, take them out on day trips maybe.. there's no reason to treat steps children differently in that regard, apart from the fact that your situation is quite unusual, I would hazard a guess that most SGP would have 1 or 2 SGC, not four from the same SIL which would naturally cause logistical problems anyway.

Me personally, I don't think the SGC should ever be made to feel like they are less (as in all together on Christmas morning and GC opening a latest games console in front of SGC opening a jigsaw puzzle etc), making sure they don't FEEL different is what treating them equally is about IMO.

Not blathering on about a financial burden, which should not be your responsibility in the first place.