to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

So they are all rather selfish, then, for various different reasons. I personally would not go on to have more children if my life was already complicated enough by having four children with another partner.

All situations are different, so one response does not fit every situation, hence my view that the grandparent is likely to follow their own child’s lead on it, but I still view situations like this as largely being caused by selfish self-interest.

Or do you disagree that asking a step-grandparent to cough up cash for your step-grandchildren to go to private school when he has contributed nothing towards anyone’s private education himself, and doesn’t intend to, either, is the behaviour of a selfish, self-interested man?

Many people don't want to leave all their money to just their children for very good reasons.

They might see their child's marriage being shaky and know that half of their child's inheritance will get caught up in divorce. And that their child may remarry potentially meaning a new SIL or DIL will inherit it all followed that persons own kids so their DGC gets nothing. This is not uncommon!

Or they may see their child making reckless financial decisions such as drinking, gambling etc and not have confidence their DGC will ever see a penny.

That's why many grandparents want to leave some funds (or all of it) directly to their DGC

Parents of wealthy children might also do it because their wealthy children asked them to pass a chunk of it directly to the grandchildren, so as to reduce future IHT bills. Wills are as varied as people’s family arrangements, circumstances and views about money and inheritance.

This, with bells on it.

My partner doesn’t have 4 kids with his ex, he has 1 - with very complex needs and behaviours.

We haven’t had any more (as someone rightly pointed out earlier, he is an only child) because we couldn’t offer another child the same life, time and commitment we offer him, without taking something from him. It would be inherently unfair on all of us to introduce more children into this house.

It’s that side of things I can’t wrap my head around. I wouldn’t have children (and won’t be) with someone who already had existing children that would be negatively impacted by that, and if I did I’d make sure it was possible that they all had fair opportunities and experiences.

That’s not OPs issue, like you point out - she’s just following suit, but there’s such a selfishness and lack of equal consideration for the 4 pre-existing children that I just cannot comprehend why it happened to begin with.

If someone cheated on you and left, does that mean it is selfish to marry and have children with someone else? That person should stay single for the rest of their life?

How does it work in my SILs case? His ex wife and her husband do not work so what they can offer her four children and two shared children is different to what my DD and SIL can offer. How do you offer all fair opportunities and experiences when you have parents that do work and do not work and have different salaries?

Not selfish to marry again. Selfish to start another family, imo. I did say I think everyone concerned is somewhat selfish, and that includes your dd, betnet.

How is each person selfish?

How is each person not being selfish?

Do you only think of others 100% of the time?

Didn't think so.

No, but when it comes to something as important as having children, I would not do so with someone who already has four children, because I would then inevitably be confronted with my own selfishness on a daily basis.

You would confronted by your own selfishness because your partner had children with someone else previously? That is on you? Not the actual biological parents of those children?

Your choice.

My understanding of this is that the ops grandchildren were already in private school until her daughter’s financial circumstance’s changed and rather than see them move school she took over the payments .
Now that the kids are doing really well Academically the Sil who must have been ok with different levels of schooling for his first 4 kids at some stage has an issue with it and feels it’s unfair that the op isint funding his first kids as well.

It is not the op’s job to make things equal with the step kids it was their father who has clearly sent mixed messages here and is now looking for his mil to fix things for him.

No I don’t believe that grandparents and extended family have to treat every blended child in their family the same as their biological grandparents kids /nieces regardless of circumstances ie how old they are , how long in family . It’s only on Mumsnet that people like to pretend there is no difference.

if the dd and sil broke up in the morning, the op would likely never see the step kids again,

Well, yes, obviously my choice not to have children with someone who already has several children which they and, as a consequence, anyone who becomes their husband or wife, has to take on some responsibility for. I am not telling anyone else what to do, just giving my opinion.

And, imvho, the other children’s academic woes are likely to be every bit as much to do with their family environment as their schools (statistically, more likely to be to do with their family).

@lizzyBennet08

if the dd and sil broke up in the morning, the op would likely never see the step kids again.

Exactly, even I had the money why would I invest thousands of pounds into these children? They would still have their extended family and biological parents and grandparents in the case of a divorce and those relationships would remain. Every step grandparent in their life does not need to pay for everything equally for their step GC as they would for their biological GC.

‘These children’
Says it all. Even aside from the financial stuff, you are not a very nice person, OP.
The way you talk about others is pretty nasty.

There is a financial discrepancy between the two households in our case - in some quite complex ways.

Whilst my stepsons mum is a single mother who doesn’t work, she actually has access to more funds than we do - we level that off by and spending a greater proportion of our available funds to provide the same.

We’re fortunate that’s doable, but essentially we compensate for the difference.

That is great if you can compensate for the difference. My SIL is unable to do that. His ex and her husband do not work. His ex has a further two children. To try and compensate for that and provide the same would involve huge amounts of money which he does not have.

So you didn’t know. Like you didn’t know what conversations PP had with the in laws. Just made it all up and basically accused her of lying.

i thought as much.

No thats fair enough, but that’s not excusing the discrepancy in the same house/family.

Your DD married into fecklessness. Your sil wants you to look after the children he created with his ex because her and her husband don't want to work. Why are you here posting are you not embarrassed. Your DD is no better than the selfish man she married. He wants you to give them an equal opportunity, he wants you to pay for it. There's nothing to defend you already know the answer. Are you scared of him and his ex wife and husband?

Sorry I didn't know you knew her I'll leave your bestie alone.

Those you believe that the op should absolute pay for the other 4 kids as well. What about the step kids half siblings on their mom’s side/ . They live in the same house with their mom and would be going to different schools which would nearly be worse

Really the op should probably pay for all 8 to be fair on the innocent children… 😜

You have the wrong idea. The SIL does not want me to look after the children he created with his ex because she and her husband does not want to work. He asked me to pay their school fees because the step GC are struggling at school. I said no. He accepted is.

Why should I be embarrassed? Why is my DD no better than him?

I am not scared of him or the ex wife and husband?

Are you ok?