Page 29 | to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

betnet · 2025-04-04T07:41:51+00:00

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway. But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway. People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents? I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner. Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also. Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

springbringshope · 05/04/2025 22:36

betnet · 05/04/2025 08:37

I stepped in when DD struggled with payments.

People keep saying step GC should be treated the same as GC yet most drawn the line at inheritance. Why? Including them in the will would be treating them equally.

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Because people are irrational and have a problem with private schooling. It’s so typical MN.

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 22:38

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 22:23

Which goes back to my question, which the OP hasn’t answered. What if all six of the children had been going to the same private school, then a change in the financial position of the dd and sil meant that none of them could go to that school any more, unless they could find someone else to contribute? Would the OP want to pay to ensure her biological grandchildren could stay there and only the step-grandchildren had to leave, or would she want the status quo of all six children being educated in the same place to be kept, which would mean all being moved to a state school, because that was the precedent that had been set? Is she just responding to her dd’s set-up and helping to maintain the status quo to keep the situation stable, or does she fully buy into the notion that grandparents shouldn’t have to make any kind of major emotional or financial investment in the lives of step-grandchildren, regardless? And what if all six spent weekdays (ie schooldays) living with the dd and sil, and weekends at their mother’s, instead of the other way around? Would she view her relationship with those step-grandchildren differently if that were the case?

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The op has already said it was an arrangement organised with her DD and her children that lived with her full time. Her step children live with their mother. If sil and ex wife fell on hard times they would need to speak to their family and ask them for financial support. You said you wouldn't marry a man if he had children because you don't want to pay for someone else's children. It was her DD decision to marry him and take on his children so it's her responsibility to pay for them. The op didn't choose him and if they finished the op will never see the SGC again. To answer your question if the SC lived with her DD the majority of the time and visited their mother on the weekends I don't think the ops GC would be privately educated. The thought wouldn't enter their minds.

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 22:41

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 22:35

Tbh, my reading of the situation is that to pay the step-grandchildren's school fees would require the OP to have a greater emotional attachment to the step-grandchildren than her own dd has to them. The OP’s relationship with these children is through her dd, not separate from it, so the dd set the tone, and the tone that was set from the start was that her biological children were more important.

Ops DD children would be more important to her than her SC. That's obvious any mother would put their own children first.

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 22:51

Ahwig · 05/04/2025 22:31

When my husband and I got married my son was 14. My father in law made a speech and said how great it was that he and my mother in law now have a new grand child . In total they had 7 grandchildren, 4 were biological and 3 were step grandchildren. If anyone asked about grandchildren they replied that they had 7. As far as they were concerned there was no “ step” anything, they had 7. 7 at Christmas, 7 on bdays, 7 at Easter and 7 in their will.

I doubt their GC will be in their will. Like I said before on this thread the majority of wills are for their children. If a child was to die then their inheritance will be passed down to their grandchildren/children of the deceased. I've gone through two probates and that's what each will had written. Your husband will inherit from his family unless he died then you children/sc would not inherit. I doubt they would have told you that dear.

Aprilsfool · 05/04/2025 22:59

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 22:51

I doubt their GC will be in their will. Like I said before on this thread the majority of wills are for their children. If a child was to die then their inheritance will be passed down to their grandchildren/children of the deceased. I've gone through two probates and that's what each will had written. Your husband will inherit from his family unless he died then you children/sc would not inherit. I doubt they would have told you that dear.

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My stepdad died. My SGran changed her will so that I inherited his share, split with my brother, her bio GC. So yes, it does happens.

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 23:10

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 22:41

Ops DD children would be more important to her than her SC. That's obvious any mother would put their own children first.

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No, that’s just your view, not the view of all people. If they were a genuinely blended family, with all children living under the same roof, that would be considered a shocking attitude by many people.

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 23:16

Aprilsfool · 05/04/2025 22:59

My stepdad died. My SGran changed her will so that I inherited his share, split with my brother, her bio GC. So yes, it does happens.

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Her son died so he couldn't inherit so naturally it's past down to the children/sgc. That's in all wills. I was right. Not all step children will be left in their sgp will you were lucky. A lot of SGPs feels that their biological GC would get less and SGC would inherit more from them plus their parents and families. I think talking about wills and death is morose. I didn't know what was in my mother's will until she died I didn't think I was in the will my brother was sure I wasn't until it was sent to me and she split everything between me and my brother. His jaw dropped.

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 23:17

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 22:38

The op has already said it was an arrangement organised with her DD and her children that lived with her full time. Her step children live with their mother. If sil and ex wife fell on hard times they would need to speak to their family and ask them for financial support. You said you wouldn't marry a man if he had children because you don't want to pay for someone else's children. It was her DD decision to marry him and take on his children so it's her responsibility to pay for them. The op didn't choose him and if they finished the op will never see the SGC again. To answer your question if the SC lived with her DD the majority of the time and visited their mother on the weekends I don't think the ops GC would be privately educated. The thought wouldn't enter their minds.

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I didn’t say I wouldn’t marry a man if he had other children “because I don’t want to pay for someone else’s children.” I wouldn’t want to marry someone who already had four children and then produce more children with him, because I wouldn’t want to marry a selfish twat, and this sil sounds like a bit of a selfish twat to me. Anyone who has four children with one woman then leaves her to start a whole new family sounds a long way from ideal partnership material.

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 23:23

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 23:10

No, that’s just your view, not the view of all people. If they were a genuinely blended family, with all children living under the same roof, that would be considered a shocking attitude by many people.

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Her sc live with their mother who they love and see as their mother. My grandmother was a sm to her husband's two children. Their mother died so they lived with her and their father full time. They never saw her as their mother. After my step granddad died her sc never visited again. Things may have been different if her and her husband owned property and there was a possibility of inheritance. This thread is an eye opener.

Aprilsfool · 05/04/2025 23:29

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 23:16

Her son died so he couldn't inherit so naturally it's past down to the children/sgc. That's in all wills. I was right. Not all step children will be left in their sgp will you were lucky. A lot of SGPs feels that their biological GC would get less and SGC would inherit more from them plus their parents and families. I think talking about wills and death is morose. I didn't know what was in my mother's will until she died I didn't think I was in the will my brother was sure I wasn't until it was sent to me and she split everything between me and my brother. His jaw dropped.

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Right about what?

it wouldn’t naturally have gone to me, only my brother. I know that. The point is she changed it, so that it did go to me.

Yet you’ve told that previous poster that her children/ her husbands SC will not inherit if he dies. I’m saying there’s no way you can possibly know that, and that I am an example of it happening.

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 23:32

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 23:23

Her sc live with their mother who they love and see as their mother. My grandmother was a sm to her husband's two children. Their mother died so they lived with her and their father full time. They never saw her as their mother. After my step granddad died her sc never visited again. Things may have been different if her and her husband owned property and there was a possibility of inheritance. This thread is an eye opener.

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That’s your experience, not everyone’s experience. Given your apparent view on how step-parents and step-grandparents feel towards their step-children, it’s not surprising your grandmother’s step-children didn’t bother to see her again once their father died.

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 23:52

Aprilsfool · 05/04/2025 23:29

Right about what?

it wouldn’t naturally have gone to me, only my brother. I know that. The point is she changed it, so that it did go to me.

Yet you’ve told that previous poster that her children/ her husbands SC will not inherit if he dies. I’m saying there’s no way you can possibly know that, and that I am an example of it happening.

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She doesn't know what's in her in laws will they are not dead yet. No one talks about wills at the dinner table they usually talk to a solicitor about it. She has posted that her children will inherit from their SGPs to put a boot up the op. How does she know?

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 23:53

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 23:32

That’s your experience, not everyone’s experience. Given your apparent view on how step-parents and step-grandparents feel towards their step-children, it’s not surprising your grandmother’s step-children didn’t bother to see her again once their father died.

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Nothing to inherit 😂

Maxorias · 06/04/2025 00:02

Greenlittecat · 04/04/2025 08:45

I couldn't be deliberately cruel to a child, regardless of if they were related to me or not.

But OP specifically said it wasn't about treating step kids badly, it's about the big stuff like expensive holidays or inheritance. Or do you think somehow that not putting in your will an unrelated child that you may never see again if your child breaks up is "being cruel" ?

OP, I really wouldn't look that far, I'd leave inheritance to my own children and leave it up to them how they divide it up amongst their kids/step kids. Personally I wouldn't leave anything to step children (they already have two parents to inherit from) but there will be as many opinions as people on this thread...

Aprilsfool · 06/04/2025 00:05

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Aprilsfool · 06/04/2025 00:06

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 23:52

She doesn't know what's in her in laws will they are not dead yet. No one talks about wills at the dinner table they usually talk to a solicitor about it. She has posted that her children will inherit from their SGPs to put a boot up the op. How does she know?

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How do you know they’re not dead?

Maxorias · 06/04/2025 00:09

Just saw it's about school fees and I'm a bit baffled by the responses. No of course I wouldn't pay for step GC school fees. OP has said she can't afford to pay for six (even if she could I don't think she should), and I see no reason to disadvantage the GC in order to be "fair" to step GC who will gain nothing from it and are unrelated to OP.

If she was super wealthy and the fees were pocket change to her then it could be an amazingly nice gesture - but outside of this very specific set of circumstances I think it'd be incredibly greedy and entitled of anyone to expect this.

Minecraftvsroblox · 06/04/2025 00:11

Aprilsfool · 06/04/2025 00:06

How do you know they’re not dead?

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If they are and they did inherit why should it be used as a stick to beat the op with?

You can't force the op to change her mind and include her SGC in her will that's coercion.

Minecraftvsroblox · 06/04/2025 00:16

Maxorias · 06/04/2025 00:09

Just saw it's about school fees and I'm a bit baffled by the responses. No of course I wouldn't pay for step GC school fees. OP has said she can't afford to pay for six (even if she could I don't think she should), and I see no reason to disadvantage the GC in order to be "fair" to step GC who will gain nothing from it and are unrelated to OP.

If she was super wealthy and the fees were pocket change to her then it could be an amazingly nice gesture - but outside of this very specific set of circumstances I think it'd be incredibly greedy and entitled of anyone to expect this.

I've been on other threads and I've never seen such ridiculous reeponses.

InterIgnis · 06/04/2025 07:59

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 20:32

And? Would the OP, or would she not, help to keep all six children in the same private school, if they had all been attending it, or would she happily pay to keep her biological grandchildren there but let the other four be pulled out, because they are not her problem?

It’s all very well helping to keep the status quo. It’s easy to see why this seems logical to the OP. I’m simply interested in how far the logic stretches, and whether the OP would go so far as to tell her dd that she made her bed by marrying a man with four pre-existing children and now has to lie in it; or would help create a toxic situation where two of the six children stay put in school and four are pulled out, because she thinks people she (probably) doesn’t know and hasn’t met should be able to afford the fees and, if they can’t, then that’s the step-grandchildren’s problem.

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Actually it wouldn’t be the problem of any of the grandparents at all, but OP choosing to step in to help her own grandchildren would not make her liable for her the other four. They would be, and are, the responsibility of their mother and father.

The children aren’t all the same, and are fully capable of comprehending that considering that they are presumably aware that they have completely different maternal family members. That the parents of the older four are less able/willing to provide to the same degree as OP and her daughter is indeed not their problem, or something they need to compensate for. Hell, this wasn’t even an issue for their father in all the years that his wife was the one paying, considering he’s never asked her to pay.

Elunajeya · 06/04/2025 08:01

The thing is, no one seems to care when it’s the DC of the first relationship that have the higher standard of living. That’s just something for the second family to accept. It only ever seems to be an issue when the second family have something the first family don’t have.

Ahwig · 06/04/2025 08:44

Minecraftvsroblox · 05/04/2025 22:51

I doubt their GC will be in their will. Like I said before on this thread the majority of wills are for their children. If a child was to die then their inheritance will be passed down to their grandchildren/children of the deceased. I've gone through two probates and that's what each will had written. Your husband will inherit from his family unless he died then you children/sc would not inherit. I doubt they would have told you that dear.

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Patronising much! As it happens my father in law made a new will when his wife died and gave us all a copy of it . He had discussed it beforehand but yes strange as that might be to you, all grandchildren are named in it ( as well as his children just to put your mind at rest)

Original poster

betnet · 06/04/2025 08:45

Walkaround · 05/04/2025 23:17

I didn’t say I wouldn’t marry a man if he had other children “because I don’t want to pay for someone else’s children.” I wouldn’t want to marry someone who already had four children and then produce more children with him, because I wouldn’t want to marry a selfish twat, and this sil sounds like a bit of a selfish twat to me. Anyone who has four children with one woman then leaves her to start a whole new family sounds a long way from ideal partnership material.

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The SIL didn't leave his ex wife to marry and start a new family. She left him and married someone else and has had more children.

Why is he a selfish twat?

OP posts:

Original poster

betnet · 06/04/2025 08:55

Elunajeya · 06/04/2025 08:01

The thing is, no one seems to care when it’s the DC of the first relationship that have the higher standard of living. That’s just something for the second family to accept. It only ever seems to be an issue when the second family have something the first family don’t have.

I think it is quite difficult for both families to have similar standards of living as there are so many variables such as whether both parents, work, jobs, family support etc.

My SIL ex wife does not work so their shared children have a different standard of living than my GC.

OP posts:

FYT01 · 06/04/2025 08:59

The OP hasn’t helped with her responses, but the vitriol on here is pretty shocking.

Has the SIL ever contributed to the private school fees in the period before the OP stepped in? Or was it always the daughter of the OP paying for the fees because the SIL couldn’t afford it?

If he did contribute, then he’s contributed to the problem by not treating all his children equally. If he didn’t because he couldn’t afford it, then he should be taking a long hard look at himself. If he wants to send his older kids to private school, buy them a house, a yacht, whatever…he’s perfectly free to go out and earn the money to do that. If he can’t (and of course there are plenty of legitimate reasons he may not be able to work etc) he can’t expect his MIL to step in.