to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

The step GC do not need money to trickle down from me. They have plenty of extended family of their own. Their mother has remarried so they have six sets of grandparents where money can trickle down from.

If SIL is aware that I have no kind feelings or intentions why did he ask me to pay for his children? He has regularly commented that in his relationship before DD, his partner's parents gave nothing to his children and how I give them gifts on special occasions.

She won't be getting pregnant again. I can't find the extra money out of nowhere.

It would be upto DD. It is not my role to take them out of private school.

It’s hardly being cruel! Maybe if the GPs turned up at the house with a toy for the GC and nothing for the SGC then yes, that’s mean, but you can be more subtle, and there’s nothing wrong with that IMO. SGC are not blood. Should they get a share of the GPs will too?

I get more or less similar easter eggs etc.

GC have school trips, uniforms and horse riding paid for. I can't afford to cover the cost for the 4 step GC.

I really wouldn't entertain this and tell your daughter that this confusion over the issue means it is best you step bzck and leave them to it.

Invest the money for your grandchildren to access at 25.
I would leave your daughter out of it completely.

Cruelty has come up again and again like I am beating the step GC!

When I give the GC extra treats, it is when they spend time with me, not in front of the step GC.

The step GC get plenty of treats from their own side of the family.

It is not causing issues at the moment but I may have to revisit the issue if DD tells me otherwise.

@betnet

How old are your GC and SGC? - this will be a major factor as to how much and often you would interact with SGC

This doesn't get any better OP.
Your daughter has married a golddiger. He saw her salary and now realises you are a lady of means. Two of my friends have been targeted like this. As I said previously one has a rich mother and the other a big job. My friend with the big job ended up paying his children's school fees and the older friend is being love bombed. Her mother is in her 80s and of course he wants to marry her!
No one can afford six sets of school fees, that's ridiculous. You might if you're Rees Mogg but otherwise it's six figures.
I think if your son in law doesn't get his way your daughter is at risk. Some other childless lady will be targeted and your daughter could end up sidelined. He left four child so he has no shame! A pp poster said you don't like him, you have not said that but hey, I don't like him and he's nowt to do with me!
Just use the broken record technique. Sorry too much for me.
It was interested to read the first wife has remarried. She's not a single abandoned ex wife then. My vision was she was mw and struggling. This is all down to your DD and the husband. Just keep a close eye on him because his sort like drama and someone else always has to step in.

@betnet and people like him take the fun out of life.

I hope your daughter is safe and he's just a big sponger.

The only person who seems to have an issue is the dad … who thinks private school will “fix” his kids. The likely cause of the “difference” …. Is the parenting/family situations in each home.

Easier for him to blame school than self reflect, he needs to find solutions within his own reach. The solutions to improve education outcomes are not always Other People’s Money.

I suppose the question is if DD and her husband divorced, would you still have (or want) any relationship with the SGC? If so, treat equally including inheritance. If you think you might never see them again in that circumstance, then maybe things like not including them in inheritance makes more sense. I think it's nice to treat them all equally if you can however.

I've not experience of this personally but DH had a step father, and then his mum divorced him and he hasn't really seen him since, I think he would be shocked to be getting anything from his ex step family. They just don't have that relationship.

Hopefully he was just being cheeky in asking.

I will keep an eye on things. DD is getting back on track financially and has already said she will take over the school fees.

I think it is impossible to say to say if I would have any relationship. It would be dependent on the SIL. Step GC will not inherit from me. They have 6 other possible grandparents to inherit from.

I pay for horse riding, school uniforms and school fees for GC. I can't afford to treat the step GC equally also. That would mean another four sets of everything.

My oldest daughter (different dad) gets treated the same as my other children I have with my husband by his mum, it would be cruel if she was treated any differently and I and my husband would be having words with her if she did treat her differently but my husband has brought her up since she was 3 and she is now 16 and only knows him as her dad and his mum and dad when he was alive always treated her like their own grandchild

It’s very specific to the family. Dependent on ages of children when met, relationship of children with the step parent.

In my experience I have mixed feelings. My SD was really unpleasant and hostile towards me, mostly guided by her own mother. My mum didn’t like this behaviour and therefore wanted to protect me, as her own child.

However, my mum also repeatedly couldn’t remember SDs name and called her something similar, think Lauren/Laura. This is quite unforgivable.

Is it cruel to treat step GC differently? So I should pay school fees, horse riding and uniforms for both my GC and 4 step GC?

Not cruel, No need to worry As this is the legal definition of child cruelty in UK,

Causing or allowing a child to die or suffer serious physical harm is an offence under section 5 of the Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act 2004; Cruelty to a child is an offence under section 1 of the Children and Young Persons Act 1933.

Paying GC school fees, but not step-child fees doesn’t come close.

Honestly OP I have no idea why you still want to be on here. Personally I’m bored with this thread now and won’t be contributing again despite being on your side. It’s just going round in tedious circles.

OPs own blood related child entered a relationsip with someone who already has children.
Even if she is not related to her SGCs I'd expect my mum to accept my choice and treat all children in the family equaly.

Jfc on business trips if I am popping to a shop I'd buy same pack of sweets for my DCs and coleagues if it is only one stop and other person is going to the loo or something.
No wonder so many on MN got such poor relationship with DCs and GCs.

How far does this go? The step GC school fees should be paid? They should be included in inheritance?

Fortunately my DD does not expect this from me.

This clarification was definitely needed for all the posters who kept insisting cruelty if you dare treat children differently!

I cannot believe that any grandparent willing and able to help with school fees for their own grandchildren, would automatically expect to pay school fees for someone else’s grandchildren, the offspring of their son or daughter’s partner from a previous relationship. It doesn’t make any sense at all.

Use of the word cruel, is utterly moronic.

FFS @betnet why do you keep going on about school fees!!!!!

This is ALL on your DD & SIL who have chosen to treat their different sets of DC inconsistently in terms of education BEFORE you started helping them with fees.
IT IS ALL ON THEM. IT WAS THEIR CHOICE TO EDUCATE ONE SET OF DC PRIVATELY AND CONTINUE THE OTHER SET OF DC IN STATE.
If your SIL was all about equality, he should have made sure that his DC with your DD also received a state education.

I don't know why you keep asking 'but would you pay SGC fees?'
I am assuming you're not a multi-millionaire.

How old are your GC & SGC? How often do you see SGC?

I would buy them all the same Easter Eggs BTW