to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

Agreed.

I admit that I didn't write a will, relying on the fact that all my estate would go to my husband under Scots law. It wouldn't have lasted long - if I had predeceased him, he would have needed care.

On reflection, that was a mistake. If he had then died shortly after me, his children would have benefited from my estate. If they had treated my husband decently, that wouldn't have bothered me. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

They obviously didn't want to deal with illness, so for example, they were notable by their absence when my husband had lengthy hospital stays. (A visit would have meant the world to him.) They also failed to visit their mother when she had a major operation, but - fortuitously - she had a quick recovery and their visits to her then recommenced as normal.

To be fair, when Dh had his stroke, one child did visit him for half an hour, but then spent the rest of the day with his mother and her partner. The other child didn't visit once in the entire 4 months.

I have now written my will and I'm leaving them and the step-grandchild nothing. I admit that I did agonise over leaving out the step-grandchild, but the last communication from the SG was a phone call to the solicitor to say that they'd been unable to cash the cheque that they got from my husband's estate.

I am sorry you went through this @WearyAuldWumman

I completely understand your reasons for leaving the Step GC put of your will,.

And? He entered a relationship with someone that wasn’t the mother of his existing children. OP’s daughter wasn’t and isn’t required to consider or treat those children as her own, and nor does she. If her husband wanted that (and apparently it wasn’t important to him until he saw an opportunity to hit OP up for school fees, something he never actually asked of his wife) then it was up to him to not continue a relationship with someone that wasn’t offering it.

OP’s relationship with her daughter and grandchildren doesn’t appear to be a poor one at all. Quite the opposite.

My in-laws died a while ago, but if they gave my DC (their GC) £5 each, they would give my son (the SGC)£2.50 as if to make a point. I did feel sorry for him that they would be seemingly petty over such nominal amounts and it did affect how I regarded them and I would keep them at arms length a bit as a result. I would never have expected him to be included for inheritance or anything like that but when it comes to little things like a bit of pocket money or a day out I think they should be treated the same

I would say it depends on the age of the stepgrandchildren and the likelihood of them living with the biological grandchildren. My parents have a step grandchild (my brother’s wife’s eldest) who was only 6 when my brother and his wife met and has always been treated the same as the other grandchildren at birthdays and Christmas, welcomed at family celebrations etc and lives with my brother most of the time. I think they would have felt differently if it had been a step grandchild who only lived with either me or my brother part-time and didn’t see much of, although they might have given a token gift at Christmas or birthdays, interacted with the step grandchild if they happened to be there etc. I also think it would depend on whether a step grandchild is a similar age to the biological grandchildren and would expect to be treated the same as the others in terms of gifts, invitations to family celebrations or financial assistance.

That is awful. I think Christmas and birthdays, little gifts and pocket money should be much the same. Inheritance is different.

Of course they don't.

We give token presents to step-DGC on birthdays and Xmas but that is all.

DGCs are getting something in the Will but step-DGCs get nothing.

Why is it different for inheritance? If it is so important to treat SC equally then they should be included in the inheritance also.

It’s evidently a different value - usually.

My mum will buy my stepson the same value/size Easter egg as my nephew, her blood grandchild. It’s not likely any inheritance will be the £5 she’s spending on Easter eggs.

She is however leaving that inheritance to her children, to share with their families as they wish. I would use mine for my whole family, stepson included, but that decision would be up to me.

It's also the point at which the gift is delivered. A child will notice that they don't get an Easter egg and feel upset. Inheritance would be handled totally differently.

The children would find out eventually that they had not been treated equally.

Not necessarily as there's no onus to disclose inheritances, but if they do, they'd find out as adults with a greater understanding of the situation.

I don’t know why you’re so bothered.

You evidently don’t want to treat them equally, and that’s your prerogative.

You seem absolutely dead set on repeatedly telling us that you will not leave these kids any money - from what I’m gathering, you don’t see them as grandchildren.

That’s up to you. It’s sad for them, but it’s up to you. Your money etc. I’m just unsure why you need to keep bringing the inheritance up at all.

As someone who is part of a blended family I can tell you there are so many challenges already for children involved that if the child can have extra grandparents then they bloody well deserve it

Why on and on about the inheritance?

Some, including me, told you they have inherited from SGP, (in fact only me, her only SGC and one of her bio GC, my brother. Her other six bio GC did not inherit) and others have made it clear that’s not something they would do.

Just make your choice, as you have already done, and stand by it. That’s fine, as is anyones choice, based on their own circumstances.

I see them as grandchildren but not the same as blood grandchildren. GC school fees are paid for but I can't afford another four sets of fees for the step GC.

I bring up inheritance because people insist on treating SC equally but then shy away when it comes to inheritance. Suddenly equality no longer matters.

It is not sad for my step GC. They have a large extended family and six grandparents who they can inherit from.

Unless my maths is shaky, 2 of those grandparents have to be step grandparents too.

I wouldn’t expect my mum to be paying for anyone’s uniform, schooling or hobbies - so I can’t really comment on not being able to pay it for stepkids. I’d have never schooled them differently to begin with, and wouldn’t have allowed my mum to help.

You just seem very intent on saying they’re not getting your money, which feels pointedly purposeful. It’s not necessarily that they won’t inherit that I think is sad, it’s how intentionally targeted that sounds by the amount you’re bringing it up. Sounds like you don’t like them/their father which is shaping that choice.

That is fine if you wouldn't expect your mum to pay for anyone's uniform, schooling or hobbies. I wasn't going to ignore my DD when she was having financial difficulties.

I have brought up not paying the school fees probably more than the inheritance. Yes it is pointedly purposeful. I can't afford to pay an additional four sets of school fees for the step GC. Step GC have plenty of family on their own side.

I am good to the step GC (SIL has mentioned it many times) but of course my GC will get priority.

No, that’s fair enough. The answer for me would have been not having a disparity in schooling to begin with, but that wasn’t your call.

We have a difference in belief/attitudes around stepchildren. My sister and her partner have 5 children between them, as a family we see it that they have 5 kids, and the children of those kids are her grandchildren. Not her step grandchildren, her grandchildren, and they’re treated as such.

There’s no separation or difference once blended in our family, so it’s quite likely we’ve just got very different outlooks on it.

Another what-if… What if all six of the children had been in the same private school, with the OP’s dd contributing towards the cost of all 6 of them. Would betnet have stepped in to help her two biological grandchildren stay, and let the other four drop out, if her dd could no longer afford it, or would she have said she couldn’t afford to help any of them? What does she know of or care about the finances of the six grandparents her step-grandchildren appear to have, by some miracle of nature?

Does the father not have any role in paying for all his six children in this scenario? You only mention my DD and grandparents. The responsibility first and foremost lies with him.

DD never asks me to contribute towards the Step GC.

It doesn’t, it lies with both of them.

Smaller scale, but that would be like me making my partner buy my stepson’s food himself, because he’s not mine and I’m not feeding him. I would and could never.

We pay for him, out of our money, because I accepted responsibility for him when I “took him on,” if you will.

I honestly believed that’s what everyone did.

I think what PP meant (because it’s what she said!) is that if your DD and SIL had paid for all 6 to be privately educated, when she ran into difficulty would you have supported her only with your 2 biological grandchildren and potentially let the others have to move.

On another thread posters are saying the opposite it lies with the father and his ex to pay for their children they created. I think people on this thread are intentionally talking shit to the op to aggravate her.

Did he contribute to your two grandchildren’s school fees? And if he didn’t, then why are you not questioning why you are doing so? Does he not have the responsibility to care for your biological grandchildren, rather than expecting you to step in? And by asking the question you have, are you going to claim your answer would be different, depending on whether or not he had contributed to all 6 of the children’s fees in the first place? Would you suddenly put your hand in your pocket for all the children if he had been helping to pay the fees for all of them?

Her sil has 6 biological children with two women. He has two baby mamas.