to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

Does your sil not work? He is the one with 6 children - but expects his mil to pick up any bills his wife can’t. Why isn’t he earning to provide for his (very large!) family?

Honestly OP, the stepchild/inheritance issues aside (the rule of thumb on MN anyway is nobody is w titles to inheritance and it’s grabby to expect it) the fact this man has bore 6 children and expects someone else to fork out for private education is cheeky fuckery of the highest order. I’d laugh loudly and ask if he thinks you have a money tree. Or say “Fine I won’t pay for any kids then, make it fair” and watch them retreat on their complaint

My children’s step gran treats them just as she does her own. Surely it is dependent on the particular relationship you have. Nobody - blood relation or otherwise - “has” to do anything.

It’s very individual. I have a step son, I’ve been in his life since he was 3, but no my mother won’t be leaving anything in her will to him. He has biological grandparents on his mums side who won’t be leaving anything to my son. he’s always lived the majority of his time with his mum and whilst we’ve seen him often and have a very good relationship we live at distance. My mum hasn’t spent hardly anytime with him as when he’s been here, he’s always been paraded round my husbands family for visits, he didn’t need to start visiting my family too, it would have been so boring for him he wouldn’t have come!

perhaps if he’d lived with us, or not had family the other side things would be different.

I get that your SIL wants the best for his children but what was his attitude when your DD was paying the school fees for your 2 gcs? Did he want her to also fund his children? Would he think it reasonable for your DD to expect his parents to pay for your 2 gcs if the boot was on the other foot? If he was so concerned about his first family and their education perhaps he shouldn't have started a second one. Think of your own future OP and your retirement, perhaps the gcs can switch to state school in the future or your DD can take over payments again should circumstances improve. On the issue of inheritance it depends on how close you are but personally I don't think step grandchildren, nieces and nephews etc should automatically be included, they should inherit from their biological family members.

Your SIL is a CF and sees yor as a mug.

The cheek of him when he hasn't contacted his own family.
Definitely see you as a mug.

Your daughter is a bit foolish going near a man with 4 children.

Why isn't he doing an extra job to pay for tutors for his children?
Much easier to try to bully an older woman to pay.

He's a grifter. Draw your will up carefully.

I agree. OP keeps banging on about inheritance as though it's some sort of 'gotcha' about step-grandparents who do treat their step-grandchildren more equally and more kindly than OP does but haven't included them in their will.

However, I think that in most cases, inheritance goes to the next generation down, i.e. their children. In OP's case, she is obviously going to leave her money directly to her biological grandchildren so that there is no chance of any of the money trickling down to the step-grandchildren via her daughter or more likely, her daughter's husband. She is taking active steps to ensure that the step-grandchildren don't benefit at all.

The step-children's dad sounds like a twat though. He was perfectly happy for the children from his second family to be privately educated even though he hadn't done this for his first family. He's being ridiculous expecting OP to pay for his four kids' private education because a) this is totally unreasonable and b) he must be aware that his MIL has no kind feelings or intentions towards his four elder children.

Excellent post

I think if you’ve written your post along the lines of the below, you’d have got far less negative comments

‘My SIL and his ex wife chose to send their 4 kids to state school, yet my DD and SIL send their 2 kids to private. Finances changed and I took over the private school fees rather than them move to state. SIL, without DD knowledge, has decided he wants his 4 other children to attend private at my expense and asked me to fund’

SIL is a CF, end of!

If DD got pregnant again and had twins, would you find the extra money or take your GC out of private school?

No, no and no. But then you already knew that and are, I think, being deliberately antagonistic. Enjoy!

One thing I find interesting is the argument that it’s because the step-grandchildren have a huge family to contribute financially that the OP shouldn’t be expected to join in, also. I wonder whether betnet would apply the same argument to her biological grandchildren if her dd divorced and married another man, then had more children with him? Would the two current grandchildren then be entitled to less support from the OP than the new grandchildren, due to the supposed huge financial advantage of coming from a broken home?

My children’s older half siblings (who lived with their mother) went to private prep school, our children went to state primary. It never once occurred to me that it was unfair. If step or half siblings don’t live together (a la Brady Bunch) then in the real world I don’t think people have the expectation that everything has to be the same or that the newer mother’s parents have any obligations to the other children who live elsewhere.

The school fees are a complete red herring.

Your DD and SIL decided to treat their DC differently in terms of education - that is completely and utterly on them.

Wills / inheritance - completely up to you.

Easter Eggs - I am hoping you would get all 6 the same or would you give your GC the massive lindt bunny and the SGC the tiny lindt bunny?

I don’t understand this analogy. I don’t think the OP would expect her older grandchildren in this scenario to get financial support from her DD’s new husband’s parents (ie. their new step grandparents).

But they would still have their own grandparents (ie OP). I don’t know why they would be entitled to less support from OP? I don’t think this has any relevance to the scenario - but I have maybe misunderstood the point being made.

So would you not expect the new husband to contribute financially in any way to his step-children’s lives?

And, say the new step-grandparents took a more generous attitude to their step-grandchildren than the OP? Would the OP adjust what she gave each of her grandchildren to account for that? Or would she want to share her money out equally to her biological grandchildren, regardless?

Absolutely I would - but I’m sure OP’s DD IS financially contributing to her 4 x SC.

But this post is about the step grandparents. So the new husband’s parents.

I am very much in favour of all children being made to feel equally loved and important in blended families. I just didn’t feel your analogy was relevant or fair here (unless I’ve misunderstood the point)

I refer you to my subsequent post.

If your DD is in the Will and she pre-deceases her DH, her assets inherited from you could go to her DH who could then leave it distributed equally to all 6 children, or could actively favour his 4 eldest if he feels his youngest have already benefited more.

You could leave assets to just give a life-interest to DD but an ultimate recipient of the DGC to avoid this.

I’m assuming your ex’s stepdad lived with him?

Supposing you never really saw much of them? They could live with the other parent in a different area. They may only come over every other weekend. Your child marrying someone who already has kids doesn’t automatically equal extra kids in the daily family mix.

There have been many threads on here from mums trying to cope with step children’s visits (even if they are half siblings to their own kids) yet they never mention their own parents being actively involved in these visits, and are obviously coping alone (apart from their dh, who is the father of the kids). All of a sudden the parents of the weekend step mum are expected to be as actively involved with them as their own grandchildren?

He is working but he doesn't earn as much as DD.

It is his role to provide but people are obsessed with the step GC being treated equally all by all grandparents. I was even told that my GC should be pulled out their school and the money I provide should go towards the step GC who are struggling academically!

I am becoming more aware of this hence only DD and GC will be in the will. Step GC will not be in the will. Their have plenty of extended family of their own.

Ah, so now we’re getting somewhere. You don’t like him.