to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

@betnet It’s not clear to me if your current son-in-law is father to all 6 , or simply the 4 step children. Apologies if you have explained this and I am being thick.

Your 2 grandchildren were at the independent school, circumstances changed and you stepped it. That’s a very kind thing to do.

The 4 Step-gc are at state school. There is no reason on earth why your money-grabbing Sil should expect you to fund anything for them.

If , however, all 6 are his, then he needs to look at the disparity he is creating.

I would suggest you talk to your daughter. Tell her you are happy to stop funding your own GC if that’s causing issues in her marriage.

But also ask her to tell her husband to wind his neck in with respect to your paying for his other 4.

And, in my case, the 4 step-gc would not be in my will, and I would be looking closely at how to protect my daughter and my grandchildren from this grabby individual.

So do grandparents, genuinely have to become liable financially for completely unrelated children just because they had a child who got married, had children divorced and then got together with somebody else who already had their own children.

Do listen to yourselves.

Is this a joke?

A lot of step parents I reckon who want to make sure their children get their “fair share” from their dh’s parents.

Im a step child and wouldn’t expect anymore than politeness and gifts for birthday/Christmas as a child especially if visiting at that time.

I was a step-child with the best stepmother in the world.

Loved her so so much and she was wonderful to us.

Her parents were fine-they weren't a huge fan of the marriage but were kind to us. They were slightly formal people but did make an effort to include us on family occasions.

However-we were not the same their blood grandchildren in their eyes and as a child I def thought fair enough-they weren't our grandparents

Thank God my dps family are not like half of you lot on here. My boys were 10 &12 when I met my dp. His family from day 1 of meeting them, embraced them into the family. Nearly 15yrs later it's still the same. My dp is leaving everything to them in his will. Sometimes blood ain't thicker than water and thank goodness I married into decent human beings who are caring and loving.

Who’s mentioning deliberate cruelty?

Having only read the OP my opinion is; No they shouldn’t inherit. Yes they should be included in holidays and presents.

So you found a mug to finance your children. Why can't you and your children's father pay for the children you have.

My In-laws treat their “step Grandchildren” (my eldest 3) exactly the same as my younger 2 and for that I am eternally grateful. Not for the financial side but for the love they show because their paternal grandparents don’t bother with them!
From the day they met them, they called them their grandchildren.

I don’t think there’s a simple answer to your question, but would say that whilst it is of course up to you how you treat each grandchild, you should discuss it with your child. You don’t want to inadvertently create a problem within the family by just doing what you instinctively think is right. Check for implications.

So, does this visceral love only apply to "blood" relatives in your world? What about adopted/fostered kids?

Each situation must be judged on its own merits, surely. You can’t just have a blanket agreement that all step grandchildren should be treated as absolute equals to biological grandchildren.

My elderly DM got herself in a right flap wondering if she should include my DSS in her will. I have three DC of my own, and she always planned to leave them each some money. In our case, my DH’s family dislike me so much that they refuse to acknowledge my children (by my DH) but adore my DSS. So while my DSS is showered with gifts and will be left something by both sets of his biological grandparents, my children stand only to inherit from their sole grandparent who acknowledges their existence. I don’t think my DM should be obligated to split her money again to include a child who she sees much less. And I’ve absolutely no doubt she doesn’t feel the same sort of love for him as she does for my children. If she includes DSS in her will, it will mean he is in a potentially much better position than her own grandchildren, because he’d have a sort of collection of elderly relatives, as opposed to my DC’s sole GP.

What’s cruel?

The op is really about financing six sets of school fees. £120-300k per year. Depending on the school and ages. The op can't afford that. The new son in law is clucking because his mil has said no. I think he's targeted a wife with a wealthy mother.
I'm all for fairness but he's being a cf.
I can't believe this wasn't discussed prior to marriage. Children can be effected by these type of decisions but it's not for the grandparent to provide the answer.
Schooling is such a big part of being on the same page.
Where are the new husbands parents in all of this?
Fwiw by BFF has a new partner with four DC and she's been robbed blind. Her DC are adults but she's fallen into the trap of paying 50% of everything. Plus she has a wealthy mother!

OP who was paying the school fees before facing financial difficulty? Was it the biological parents, and was that arrangement in place - were school fees being paid - before the parents split up?

Has the stepfather (your daughter’s current partner?) who has four older children from an earlier relationship, been contributing to school fees for the other two children? Are they his biological children (so he is father of six), or is your daughter’s ex-husband their father?

Are there other grandparents, on the biological father’s side? Do your step-grandchildren have living grandparents on both their father’s and mother’s sides? What do they think about paying school fees?

I absolutely agree that you should not be expected to fund private education for your son-in-law’s four children.

I think it depends on the individual
circumstances. Ages of child etc. Relationship with parent of the grandchild.

I have two stepdaughters who came into my parents lives as teenagers before I had my own children. They have always treated them as family - giving presents for Christmas etc. But they live in another country so were not around them enough to develop a ‘grandparent’ style relationship.

Now my stepdaughter has had a child so I’m technically a step grandparent - but in this circumstance I am very much treated as a ‘regular’ grandparent - and I love my DGC so much that I can’t imagine I’d feel differently about bio GC.

It will be years before my DC have kids but I intend to treat all DGC the same for gifts and inheritances etc.

Technically I was a step children (my mum and dad got together when I was 18 months).

I never had contact with my bio dad and my parents have been married for 48 years.

i think it’s fair I got treated the same as my brother by my dads family!

No you absolutely shouldn’t have to pay for the step children at all, son in law needs to get his parents to if it’s that important to him. They’re not your responsibility

Do you pay for horse riding and school trips directly, or do you give them the money to pay for these things?

At the end of the day if they want all their children treated equally they need to knock these one sided gifts and money on the head and stop accepting them, they aren't forced to accept it, THEY are the ones putting their children in an unfair position of advantage.

I think you should be treating them more equally, but that doesn't mean paying for everything for everybody.

Six sets of private school fees! Posters appear to have missed that OP is expected to pay that. What CFery! Fuck that, honestly.

Of course not. The father is responsible with his ex to pay his own children’s fees. It is ridiculous if anyone is suggesting that you should be covering them. now if your daughter was to adopt them or they were to de facto see her as their mum then the situation would be different. But I am under the impression that is not the case.

blended families does not mean everyone is treated the same. It is completely dependant on the exact situation. It sounds like your blended family are 2 separate families that simply come together for a period and separate for a period. They are not one completely combined family unit

I understand that few people can buy for 6 x grandchildren’s school fees.

My point is that you are not under any obligation as a grandparent to pay anyone’s school fees. That is the parents’ responsibility.

You could have 6 x biological grandparents (many people do) and the facts would be the same - you couldn’t afford to pay for them all.

You've framed your question in quite an emotive way. You are not talking about treating the grandchildren in the same way in the sense of buying them an Easter egg or inviting them to Sunday lunch. YES - all children should be treated the same way. NO - Grandparents are not responsible for school fees and it’s unreasonable to pay 6 x sets of fees. Your son-in-law can choose to decline your gift or redress the imbalance by paying the deficit

It's conceivable that it was, but they may not have expected the job loss.

I broadly agree though, if a person has DC already and thinks the parents of any new partner ought to fund them in exactly the same way as their own GC, this is something they ought to be very clear about with the new partner first.