Page 14 | to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

betnet · 2025-04-04T07:41:51+00:00

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway. But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway. People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents? I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner. Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also. Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

PinkEasterbunny · 04/04/2025 14:37

betnet · 04/04/2025 09:49

Is it deliberately cruel that I pay for 2 grandchildren's school fees and school trips but not for my four step grandchildren?

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I don't think you're cruel, but I'm sure lots of others will ...... !!!!

Original poster

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:38

Dearg · 04/04/2025 14:09

@betnet It’s not clear to me if your current son-in-law is father to all 6 , or simply the 4 step children. Apologies if you have explained this and I am being thick.

Your 2 grandchildren were at the independent school, circumstances changed and you stepped it. That’s a very kind thing to do.

The 4 Step-gc are at state school. There is no reason on earth why your money-grabbing Sil should expect you to fund anything for them.

If , however, all 6 are his, then he needs to look at the disparity he is creating.

I would suggest you talk to your daughter. Tell her you are happy to stop funding your own GC if that’s causing issues in her marriage.

But also ask her to tell her husband to wind his neck in with respect to your paying for his other 4.

And, in my case, the 4 step-gc would not be in my will, and I would be looking closely at how to protect my daughter and my grandchildren from this grabby individual.

Son in law is father of all 6 children. 4 are from a previous relationship and 2 with my DD.

It has become more apparent that the GC are excelling academically and I guess SIL is comparing how his children from previous relationship are struggling and would benefit from a fee paying school.

The four step GC are not in my will. Only my DD and the GC.

People keep talking about how cruel it is not to treat all the GC equally but I can't afford to pay for 6 children school fees. I am not talking about the odd gift here and there.

OP posts:

BexAubs20 · 04/04/2025 14:38

This is so tricky to answer as it depends on so many variables. We are a very blended family so I’ll try and explain. There’s me & my husband who have 1 DD together. we live together with my DS so 4 of us in one house. He then has my DSD to a prev relationship she lives with her mum and I have my DD who is 18 and DS from 2 different relationships. DD dad died. so as I say veryyyyy blended with 3 different sets of step families. Luckily we all get along! My son also has a brother (his dad’s and step mums son) who they adopted.
My MIL gives my children (husbands step children) like £20 in a card for birthday and Xmas always gets them an Easter egg etc. She gives her grandchildren more. Do I care?! No I think it’s lovely of her to think of them at all as they get spoiled off their biological dads families too!!
My own mum does not buy my step daughter any gifts but she can’t really afford it. She’s single and on disability.
We treat all our kids the same. Kids all go on holiday with their biological parents/ grandparents and I wouldn’t dream of any of taking my other kids that would be odd! But we obviously take all 4 kids wherever we go.
My DSD mum also gives all my children a present for birthdays and Xmas, as do I with my DS adoptive brother.
I think it would be different if for eg any of us had sole custody of a child and their biological family weren’t involved because then I’d say that child should be treated as one of their own. Also if a grandparent for eg came round with an Easter egg for their biological grandchild and gave it to them in front of my other child I’d be cross. You can get eggs for like £1 so you should treat all kids the same in that respect but a holiday is a bit different isn’t it?!
also my MIL has said she’s wrote in the will for her house to go to my DSD and my DD both her biological granddaughters, rather than directly to me and my DH as she obviously doesn’t want it going to my other 2 children when we die. Fair enough! My other 2 kids will be included in their biological grandparents will.

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2025 14:38

OP, you would have got far more sensible answers if you had posted in the initial post: Should I be expected to pay 6 sets of private school fees at £120-300 k a year?

Original poster

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:38

PinkEasterbunny · 04/04/2025 14:37

I don't think you're cruel, but I'm sure lots of others will ...... !!!!

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Yes they have said it again and again. They expect me to be homeless as long as I treat the step GC equally.

OP posts:

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 14:39

zoemum2006 · 04/04/2025 14:31

Technically I was a step children (my mum and dad got together when I was 18 months).

I never had contact with my bio dad and my parents have been married for 48 years.

i think it’s fair I got treated the same as my brother by my dads family!

You are perfect case where you were being brought up not as a step child but as the child of your wonderful step dad. A complete contrast to my step family situation where we were essentially separate families united by parent’s marriage. How we would have been expected to have been treated by the step grandparents is completely different.

wfhwfh · 04/04/2025 14:39

Lastgig · 04/04/2025 14:28

The op is really about financing six sets of school fees. £120-300k per year. Depending on the school and ages. The op can't afford that. The new son in law is clucking because his mil has said no. I think he's targeted a wife with a wealthy mother.
I'm all for fairness but he's being a cf.
I can't believe this wasn't discussed prior to marriage. Children can be effected by these type of decisions but it's not for the grandparent to provide the answer.
Schooling is such a big part of being on the same page.
Where are the new husbands parents in all of this?
Fwiw by BFF has a new partner with four DC and she's been robbed blind. Her DC are adults but she's fallen into the trap of paying 50% of everything. Plus she has a wealthy mother!

And agreed - the son-in-law sounds a massive CF and entitled to boot!

A job loss should be temporary only. It’s distasteful and unethical to treat your spouse’s mother like a cash-cow.

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2025 14:40

OH, Op, your son-in-law is an irresponsible prat for having that many kids he can't pay for on his own. Champagne tastes on beer money.

Original poster

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:41

sandyhappypeople · 04/04/2025 14:35

Do you pay for horse riding and school trips directly, or do you give them the money to pay for these things?

At the end of the day if they want all their children treated equally they need to knock these one sided gifts and money on the head and stop accepting them, they aren't forced to accept it, THEY are the ones putting their children in an unfair position of advantage.

I think you should be treating them more equally, but that doesn't mean paying for everything for everybody.

How do I treat them all equally? I pay for the trips and horse riding directly myself. The step GC get birthday gifts etc but no big purchases like school trips, school fees and extra curricular activities. I can't afford to pay for 6 children.

OP posts:

Halfemptyhalfling · 04/04/2025 14:41

This is an example of why private education is so damaging and should be phased out

I don't think this question has an easy answer. If sdg had no involvement with their other family then makes sense to treat them all the same. If they do have lots of involvement then it means there will be differentiation as they won't always be around for events. When they are around treat them the same. If you want to give genetic grand children extra do it when they are not around and have a back up plan in case they are there unexpectedly.

If sdgc are struggling at school then it makes more sense to prioritise them for educational resources. On the other hand they might be unhappy at a private school due to the culture difference.

Original poster

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:41

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2025 14:38

OP, you would have got far more sensible answers if you had posted in the initial post: Should I be expected to pay 6 sets of private school fees at £120-300 k a year?

True instead people acting like I am guilty of child neglect!

OP posts:

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2025 14:42

Halfemptyhalfling · 04/04/2025 14:41

This is an example of why private education is so damaging and should be phased out

I don't think this question has an easy answer. If sdg had no involvement with their other family then makes sense to treat them all the same. If they do have lots of involvement then it means there will be differentiation as they won't always be around for events. When they are around treat them the same. If you want to give genetic grand children extra do it when they are not around and have a back up plan in case they are there unexpectedly.

If sdgc are struggling at school then it makes more sense to prioritise them for educational resources. On the other hand they might be unhappy at a private school due to the culture difference.

No, it's an example of how blended families are usually awful and how men need to stop going on procreating like they are Elon Musk without his money.

YourWinter · 04/04/2025 14:44

Ok so all six children are his, the younger two with your daughter, the elder four with someone else.

Was your daughter paying for her children’s school fees before you started to help, or was your son in law already treating his second family differently?

sandyhappypeople · 04/04/2025 14:44

betnet · 04/04/2025 10:52

They were paying for GC not for the four stepchildren. I am paying for 2 GC only.

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They were paying for GC not for the four stepchildren. I am paying for 2 GC only.

Well that's that then isn't it, end of discussion regarding school fees.

Why would they expect you to pay for all six, when they were only paying for the two themselves? You've just took over the payments that they cannot afford right now, they can't hold you to a higher standard than themselves.

What has really prompted this OP? Has son in law asked you to pay more for the others?

Crunched · 04/04/2025 14:44

I think this is irresponsible parenting rather than a mistake you are making with your monetary gift.
In my opinion, your DD and DSIL should have refused your offer of school fee's as the circumstances of the offer are likely to cause divisions within their blended family. This changes if the fee paying school is to assist with special talents and/or learning differences, but you don't mention this being the case.

InterIgnis · 04/04/2025 14:46

Halfemptyhalfling · 04/04/2025 14:41

This is an example of why private education is so damaging and should be phased out

I don't think this question has an easy answer. If sdg had no involvement with their other family then makes sense to treat them all the same. If they do have lots of involvement then it means there will be differentiation as they won't always be around for events. When they are around treat them the same. If you want to give genetic grand children extra do it when they are not around and have a back up plan in case they are there unexpectedly.

If sdgc are struggling at school then it makes more sense to prioritise them for educational resources. On the other hand they might be unhappy at a private school due to the culture difference.

It’s up to their mother and father to prioritize them for educational resources. Why on earth would OP do so above her actual grandchildren?

A maternal or paternal family with little involvement is not something ‘step’ grandparents are required to compensate for.

YourWinter · 04/04/2025 14:47

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:41

How do I treat them all equally? I pay for the trips and horse riding directly myself. The step GC get birthday gifts etc but no big purchases like school trips, school fees and extra curricular activities. I can't afford to pay for 6 children.

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Do their biological grandparents help? I don’t think you should be expected to do it.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 04/04/2025 14:48

OP, I’m with you.

I think as long as SGC are treated fairly for birthdays and Christmas then that’s fine.

It is your money and it is your choice to spend what you have. Do the SGC have their own sets of biological grandparents? Are they in a position to pay school fees?

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 14:49

Halfemptyhalfling · 04/04/2025 14:41

This is an example of why private education is so damaging and should be phased out

I don't think this question has an easy answer. If sdg had no involvement with their other family then makes sense to treat them all the same. If they do have lots of involvement then it means there will be differentiation as they won't always be around for events. When they are around treat them the same. If you want to give genetic grand children extra do it when they are not around and have a back up plan in case they are there unexpectedly.

If sdgc are struggling at school then it makes more sense to prioritise them for educational resources. On the other hand they might be unhappy at a private school due to the culture difference.

If it wasn’t the private school fees, it would be house deposit or inheritance or wedding gift or whatever. What she is spending the money on is irrelevant, it is the principle here.

no she should not be treating the children the same in this instance. The step children have a relationship with their own mother and maternal grandparents. The maternal grandparents should be covering this if they felt that strongly about it.

Original poster

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:49

YourWinter · 04/04/2025 14:44

Ok so all six children are his, the younger two with your daughter, the elder four with someone else.

Was your daughter paying for her children’s school fees before you started to help, or was your son in law already treating his second family differently?

Edited

She was paying for the school fees herself. Her SC got to state schools.

OP posts:

Original poster

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:50

Wishihadanalgorithm · 04/04/2025 14:48

OP, I’m with you.

I think as long as SGC are treated fairly for birthdays and Christmas then that’s fine.

It is your money and it is your choice to spend what you have. Do the SGC have their own sets of biological grandparents? Are they in a position to pay school fees?

The SGC have their own grandparents. I do not know their financial circumstances. I don't know them.

OP posts:

BexAubs20 · 04/04/2025 14:50

betnet · 04/04/2025 10:34

Circumstances change in life. Parents were paying themselves but then because of job loss, I stepped in. Son in law does not feel it is fair to his four children from his previous relationship.

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He sounds awful! So instead of being grateful to you for bailing him out because he can’t support his family the way you and your daughter want/ expect, he’s expecting you to pay for FOUR other children which aren’t yours?! Yeah I’d tell him where to go! Suppose it was worth a try him asking lol but tbh if I was him I would have said no to my new 2 children going to private school if I couldn’t afford my 4 children from a previous relationship to go too. It’s him treating them different not you.

Minecraftvsroblox · 04/04/2025 14:52

betnet · 04/04/2025 14:41

How do I treat them all equally? I pay for the trips and horse riding directly myself. The step GC get birthday gifts etc but no big purchases like school trips, school fees and extra curricular activities. I can't afford to pay for 6 children.

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Is his 4 children living with them most of the time? What are the arrangements between him and his ex wife/partner.

Nutmeg1204 · 04/04/2025 14:52

Thank god a lot of grandparents don’t feel the same as you

They are children and they deserve to be treated the same, they didn’t choose to join your family or for their parents to split up

BexAubs20 · 04/04/2025 14:55

Lentilweaver · 04/04/2025 14:38

OP, you would have got far more sensible answers if you had posted in the initial post: Should I be expected to pay 6 sets of private school fees at £120-300 k a year?

100% agree! The son in law should not have sent his new 2 children to private school. If I was his ex and mum to the original 4 children I’d of kicked off and said hang on you need to pay for all of them or none!

however, it sounds like they lost a job and could t afford it so grandmother stepped in. This is totally different and she should be able to pay for her biological grandchildren if she so wishes!