to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

I think you’d be a heck of a lot happier Op with responses if maybe you posted on Gransnet OP!

Yep.

And while that's always some risk of that when leaving straight to a DC with a partner, since the survivor could remarry someone with kids who ultimately inherit everything, it's bigger here. Because there's already a spouse with other DC who he thinks are being hard done to. It's a known situation.

Am I correct in understanding that your GC were in private school with the parents paying whilst the step GC weren't?

If that is the case it's extremely grabby of your SIL to raise it as an issue now.

No, because they’re not your grandchildren. The children are treated differently because they are different, same as your daughter is treated differently to their mother. Even if the maternal/paternal family is ‘lacking’ in comparison, it is not the responsibility of the stepparent’s family to step in and assume those roles.

Some families may choose to emulate the nuclear family model, but that does not mean every family is obliged to do so or that they’re wrong if they don’t.

I think there's a huge backstory going on here – when are you going to start drip-feeding it, OP? Because you keep pushing posters for a definite response but it's hard to do that without knowing the actual circumstances of your family's set-up. Because there's a big difference between your son living full-time with a woman who has DC or your daughter being in a relationship with a man whose DC live with their mum.

Why this thread if you are so sure of yourself?

It depends on the circumstances.

I wasn't allowed to be step-gran or similar to my step-grandchild. (I'd been married to their grandfather for only 6 yrs when they were born.) However, all grandmother's boyfriends were 'Grandad'. (No, I wasn't the OW; my late husband left his first wife after she spent the night with the work colleague who was first to become 'Grandad'. Their children were adults and had already left the family home.)

I don't blame the now adult grandchild, but I really have no relationship with them. Their parent became more pleasant towards me after I gifted the then infant a thousand pounds. (I opened up a child's account at my local building society and put the money in there. I was allowed to do so by the building society as a step-grandparent. I'm not sure that it would be allowed now. I then signed over the guardianship of the account to the child's mother.)

When the ex's Affair Partner died, the grandchild's father complained to me that the AP should have left something to the grandchild, because they called the AP 'Grandad'. I remember thinking "Well, you'll not be expecting them to inherit from me, then..."

I always did the present buying for birthdays and Christmas and the cost was split between me and my husband.

When DH died, I gave the grandchild the money that my husband asked me to pass to them from him (plus a little bit extra) and a year later sent them a monetary gift for their graduation - I said that this was from their grandfather.

I'll not be leaving them anything in my will. I will leave something to my husband's great-nephews and great-nieces.

@betnet
If I’ve understood correctly then your daughter has 2 children who have always gone to private school. Originally this was funded by their parents. Currently it’s funded by you as some change (divorce/split from son in law 1?) meant that your daughter and Son in law 1 could no longer pay the fees. You stepped in to help to avoid the kids having to change school.
Your daughter has subsequently married son in law 2. Son in law 2 has 4 children from a past relationship/relationships and feels it’s unfair the 2 kids get to go to private school but his kids don’t.
If I have that right then yes it’s unfair but it’s not your responsibility to fix it. If you were so wealthy you could very comfortably pay 6 sets of school fees it would be a kind thing but you can’t so it isn’t an option.
This is something for your DD & her ex and current partner to agree on. If her ex partner were funding school it would also be unfair. Was that the case initially when her and her current husband married? If so why is it only unreasonable now you are helping with the fees?

Because with housing costs being what they are, many grandparents are leaving money to grandchildren to help them get a home.
Their own adult children will presumably already have their own house (in families with enough money for inheritance to be A Thing)

Because with the massive increase in blended families over the past two generations, you can (and do) see situations where money is left to the adult child, they die and their spouse remarries with more children. Then money the grandparents had envisaged helping their own descendants is actually split between a son in law, his new wife and all the step/half siblings.

My own grandparents had this happen to a degree - what was intended for their grandchildren (verbally discussed with their adult child) went to be divided into 4 to cover step siblings that my grandparents had never met.

As a consequence of seeing my cousin treated this way, my own parents have prioritised grandchildren, with token amounts for their children. They wanted their good fortune in the housing market to help offset the obstacles their grandchildren are facing.

This is not that unusual.

Personally I wouldn’t treat step grandchildren the same when it comes to big ticket items. For example the scale of presents for 18th and 21st birthdays etc. Step children would obviously receive a gift but not to the level of my bio grandchildren. Similarly, school fees, holidays, house deposit, inheritance etc. these are things I don’t think a step grandparent should be expected to contribute to and I think your son in law has some cheek to even raise it as a complaint.

everyday stuff like days out, Christmas birthdays etc children should be treated equally as possible on the face of it, but grandparents have every right to spend more money or time with their own grandchildren than with unrelated children who, if I break up were to happen, then the grandparent would likely never see again.

This conversation is raised time and time again and it’s usually the virtue signalling ‘be kind, treat everyone equal no matter what’ trope that’s trotted out, but the realities of life are different and it’s absolutely up to the step grandparent how much time and finance they wish to invest in unrelated children.

So this whole thread is just about money?

Circumstances can be different. In my own experience I have a half sister, her paternal grandparents didn't treat me and my brother the same way as they did her, while my paternal grandparents treat her the same way they did us.

It wasn't until I was older and realised my grandparents were kind of set up to handle an extra grandkid. They already had four and it didn't make any difference that technically they weren't related to the fifth. Meanwhile hers all of a sudden had a four and a nine year old to contend with in addition to their new granddaughter.

However, when you're a kid and you live as a family, and do things together as a family, it can be jarring not to be treat the same.

Are you not aware that step children can be CHILDREN, not adults fighting over your inheritance?

I cannot imagine excluding one child. If my DS/DD had blended family so be it. I'd do my best to support all equaly and encourage my own DCs to do the same.
Children did not choose divorce.

And if you have step children as part of family for decades it makes sense to put them in your will. Or let your child share if you go down that route.

No wonder so many on MN complain on never catching up with their GCs.

Are your 2 blood grandchildren your son-in-laws biological children? If so, then no its up to the parents to have discussed what was fair for their collective children and I can understand why you've stepped in to pay the school fees.

If they're not his children, he's being a cheeky fucker.

When it comes to inheritance, I'd leave money to my children only.

I think it’s great that you’ve stepped up and took over the school fees of your two grandchildren when their parents could no longer afford it.

In terms of things such as gifts and family occasions I would always try to involve all children but school fees is a huge cost

I am a little confused about the set up though.

• Are all 6 children from the one blended family? Or is this two of your children?
• If it’s just one family, were all 6 going to private school or just the younger 2? Surely if it’s just the younger two, it’s no different to what they were doing?

it isn’t unusual, unfortunately, for the the parents of step children to expect their children to be provided for by their partner’s family, financially and/or relationship wise.

Children do not choose divorce, no, but that does not place a burden on unrelated adults to step in and provide them with a nuclear family.

@betnet why are you on “Am I being unreasonable?” when you don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all?

My feelings exactly.

Presumably because it isn’t a prerequisite?

Sometimes people just want to discuss something, or get an idea as to what other people think. That doesn’t mean they have to agree that they’re being unreasonable or change their mind.

So to be clear he was previously only paying for his two youngest children and not his oldest four. Now that you have stepped in he expects you to pay for all six?

No it’s not cruel if you were paying for your two gc before the other gc came on the scene. They don’t even live with your gc full time so I really don’t see why their father thinks it’s your responsibility to pick up the tab?

When my step-grandchild was born, I was told that I was too young to be a grandmother. My husband suggested that I might be an honorary aunty. This was knocked back.

I don't blame the child, but I was never allowed to have a grandmotherly relationship with them.

I wasn't the OW. Ironically, DH's daughter was much younger than her partner and was the OW. Perhaps her attitude towards me was some kind of projection.

She's unaware that her mother actually asked my husband to step in and stop the daughter's relationship with her older man. I'm not quite sure how he was supposed to do that.

The weird thing is that the child's mother denied that the grandmother's boyfriends were allowed to be 'Grandad'...but the child's father informed me that the grandmother's Affair Partner was 'Grandad'. This was when he was complaining that no money had been left to the grandchild upon the AP's unexpected death. Both my late husband and I heard the child referring to the AP as Grandad...plus the grandmother's next partner (a friend of my husband's) confirmed that the AP had been grandad and that - encouraged by the grandmother - the child had started to call him 'Grandad' too.

There was no acknowledgement when I sent the grandchild their inheritance from their grandfather. The solicitor, however, got a phone call from both the mother and the (now adult) child to say that their cheques had 'bounced'.

It turned out that the bank had stopped the cheques, mistakenly thinking that I'd been scammed. I got it sorted out and they received their money - but there was no contact with either me or with the solicitor to confirm this. There was no acknowledgement either, when I sent the grandchild my MIL's jewellery.

I'll be leaving my money (if any's left after my care fees) to my cousin's children and to my husband's great-nieces and great-nephews.

My DCs only grandparents are my DM and her husband. They were married long before my DC were born and all my DCs other grandparents were dead before they were born.

My Stepfather is kind to my DC but certainly doesn’t treat them like his “real” GC and it would never occur to him that my DC should inherit anything from him.

Where was the concept of "being fair" to your son-in-law's older children when school decisions were being made? Were your daughter and son-in-law previously paying in-full for all 6 of them before financial troubles struck?

I know someone whose partner's parents absolutely doted on her daughters. Admittedly they did not have any biological grandchildren but they gave those girls time, love, attention and gifts. Maybe they might not have been so involved if they already had grandchildren but they were obviously a couple who loved kids.