DS threatened to kill me and no longer lives with me. Family members discouraging me from trying to visit him.

[HowChairsFly]

DS is 17. He had become increasingly abusive in the home and violent and this culminated in him threatening to kill me.

He no longer lives at home, he lives with his dad, and he is in no way stable.

He certainly has significant mental health needs - which I tried and tried to get help for while he was at home but services were consistently useless and he would not engage - he once attacked me with a metal bar when I was trying to take him to an appointment after which I did not try to make him go anymore fearing for my own safety. I still tried to encourage him to engage and to arrange interventions which were less stressful for him but nothing worked.

He has been in and out of hospital with self harm stuff, he’s been sectioned, he’s been chased by police numerous times.

He hasn’t threatened to kill me recently but he has told me repeatedly he would kill himself in front of me. I am in phone contact with him, and have been to see him, but I have also had to block him at times when he wouldn’t stop with vile abusive messages, and I know he still harbours significant anger towards me.

I have been trying to arrange to go and see him again but he keeps telling me not to come, and my family member is telling me that it’s not safe for me to go and I shouldn’t do so.
I have younger children at home who are recovering from their brothers behaviour and this family members point is that I need to stay safe for their sake.

His dad wants me to go and try to get him to come out with me. Matters are complicated by my ex being an arse who abused me when we were together and was harassing me last year and I will not go into his home where DS now lives, so DS would need to agree to come out to a restaurant with me. I didn’t want DS to live with his dad but social services ignored this and there he is.

I still love my eldest and I don’t want to abandon him. I don’t know what to do.
WIBU to go and see him even though he doesn’t want me to, and I’m being told not to?

Yes. Safety first. You have to realise that he could actually kill you.

Please read this...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5305892-my-mums-in-an-abusive-relationship-with-her-own-son

Do not go. Your family are right - he sounds very dangerous and you owe it to your other children not to put yourself at risk. Ignore what the abusive ex is saying. How much contact with SS does DS have? What are they doing to help him?

Sadly I think you have to protect yourself by not seeing him for now
Make sure he knows that when he is ready you would love to see him (as long as its safe to do so) but you can't just now

I wouldn’t, he’s got a serious negative fixation on you. Perhaps a letter instead.

Also: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/mar/05/more-than-170-mothers-killed-by-sons-15-years-uk-report#:~:text=Data%20analysing%20the%20deaths%20of,mothers%20killed%20by%20their%20sons.

The risk is very real.

You could talk on Zoom / Teams. Or by phone. Or send emails

Too risky to visit in person, IMHO

You know the risks. He harbours a lot of anger towards you and has attacked you. If you meet him you risk being attacked and being out in public won't make any difference if he has severe mental health issues.

A woman down the road from my mum was murdered by her son who's been sectioned for life.

You must absolutely stay away.

Social services ignored you? Where did you think he should have gone if not to his other parent?

You need to keep physical distance between you especially as you can't rely on his dad to be sensible and keep you safe. Just keep in contact with him via text, calls and video calls if he will engage. Maybe send him a care package or something if you want to let him know you still love him. But don't see him in person until he is more stable.

I have been trying to arrange to go and see him again but he keeps telling me not to come,

Then you don’t go.

Yes I was going to ask, is his hostility focussed mostly on you? In which case some time apart may do both of you good. Try to focus on your other children and ensure you/your home is secure to protect yourself from him. He sounds very unwell and unpredictable.

Definitely DON'T GO! These sort of situations can turn dangerous in a matter of seconds OP, and as you've already been told, your other children need you. If he's prepared to speak to you via video call, then that's all you can do at the moment. I know how hard it is to feel that you've let your child down, but for your own safety, and the sake of your other kids, please don't take the risk.

I thought he would go to a residential placement where they might be able to ensure he engaged with mental health services, and in fact he was placed in such a place but he ran away and has ended up with his dad. Social services know that abused both him and me when he was much younger so I didn’t think they place him there, but there he is. I’m not worried about DS safety now though because he is much bigger and stronger than his dad now, and he attacks him not infrequently - his dad used to prefer smaller and weaker targets.

He has a whole team of social workers and mental health professionals around him, and despite knowing the threats he has made, seeing his ongoing instability, and having witnessed and even experienced some of DS violence towards his dad, police and some of the workers trying to help him, they still seem to take the view that everything would be fine if his relationship with me could be fixed and the last meeting about his care I attended has left me feeling like they blame everything on me for saying enough is enough, he can’t stay at home any more.

I shall listen to my family, and to the unanimous voices here then and stick with remote contact for now.

He's asking you to stay away. Respect that and leave him time to hopefully work through his issues. He may well be telling you not to see him because he doesn't trust his impulse control.
Keep regular message and phone contact up if possible, keep reinforcing that you love him and are there for him when he is ready to see you again. And when he is ready to see you make sure it's in a public place whilst you assess how stable he is.

If you do nothing else, read this superb website

https://holesinthewall.co.uk

Protect yourself and stay away.
You have to think of your other DC too
He’s with his other parent, so you know his needs are met.
Things may change in the future

They didn't ignore you then? They offered a placement that he declined to stay in. They can't force a 17 year old to stay in a placement nor can they make them have therapy. They didn't 'place' him with his dad, he left the accommodation they offered. It must be his choice to be with his dad.

@FortyElephants I'm assuming from your posts that you work for SS.

OP, does he have a diagnosis? He sounds she a personality disorder case. Under 18 they'd call this conduct disorder. By 18, it would be determined whether he's sociopathic or psychopathic.

I have no idea how you access someone who takes you seriously enough to actually formally assess for this. And I doubt he'd willingly engage.

You can't fix this state of being. Absolutely dangerous to you and I'd keep well away.

I have been trying to arrange to go and see him again but he keeps telling me not to come,

You don’t get to go against his wishes.

He is old enough to have his voice heard and going against it or trying to make him do something he’s uncomfortable with is not fair.

Keep up the contact and just let him know that you are always there for him and happy to meet up when he wants to.

When the time comes take him out just for an hour or 2 to McDonald’s or something where it’s safe neutral ground and go slow and steady.

He sounds like he has a lot of trauma and MH issues.

I'm so sorry you're in this awful position, OP. FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing in staying away for now. If your DH abused you when you were together, he may be encouraging you to visit in the specific hope that your son WILL hurt you. By all means, keep the door open for future contact with your son, write or text or call, when that works; but you need to keep yourself safe, especially as you have other children to care for.

Please try not to blame youself. "Professionals" seem to love blaming everything on the mother. It doesn't make it true; but after a while, it will effect your own mental health. Please take care of yourself. x

There is a psychiatrist in his team who his SW said would be the person to assess what is going on but DS will not engage with him and they can’t make him.

I think there is thinking that there is something significant going on and it’s all currently about trying to gain his trust so that he will eventually engage.

@C152 the trauma card and mum's fault card are notoriously pulled out by so called professionals. The behaviour is absolutely based in something wired wrong. And there are a few possibilities here but getting someone to take notice for OP would be like pulling teeth.

When you read the stories about these males who kill their mum's or partners, there is a scarily common pattern of behaviour going back years to demonstrate complete incapacity to show care, compassion or empathy for another human being.

@HowChairsFly if he won't engage it's going to be impossible. Have you ever expressed feelings to professionals in writing that you feel there's something going on like a personality disorder or possibly something else.

I don't know what good it does but might give you some closure regards it being anything you did! You didn't cause this 🙏

@FortyElephants I didn’t say - so you weren’t to know - but no, they placed him with his dad initially despite all I told them about him. DS ran away from dad repeatedly. It was only when dad said he couldn’t handle him that they placed him in the residential place, and then DS ran away from there and ended up back at dads.