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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have we centred children too much?

124 replies

Changedusernameforthis2 · 03/04/2025 15:12

I have a friend- who has 2 sets of children- 20 years apart. 2 by her first marriage (now 30 and 28) and 2 by her second marriage (now 10 and 7)

I have been friends with her since her first child was 6 months old - and we had a really long talk last weekend as she feels totally wiped out. Some of it is age, but really interestingly, she believes she has made a rod for her own back and that parenting has changed so much. When her first two were younger, they were expected to do some colouring, join in if we were talking about child things but were not expected to interrupt her while she was talking. It was kind, caring , loving, they would be sitting on our laps etc but one of us might say " hang on a minute darling because mummy is talking, let us finish this and tell us in a minute" Then, we would finish , talk to them, them redirect them, and carry on chatting. When we were at her house, they were expected to play where we could see them, but not interrupt us. This was for a normal amount of time- say 45 mins - so not hours and hours.
Fast forward 20 years and her younger children need her CONSTANTLY. To the point where she is broken really. I took a takeaway over last Saturday and she ended up in tears, as despite prepping the kids, them having lots of toys/ things to do etc etc they would not stop coming into the room, interrupting her. One had a full tantrum because we wouldn't watch them playing a computer game. She feels she has brought it on herself as she allows them to interrupt, never redirects or makes them wait. She feels that the pressure to be more child centred has sort of seeped in, and she did it almost accidentally.
This is not a parent bashing or goady thread at all- it is intended for a genuine discussion

OP posts:
isthesolution · 03/04/2025 16:48

I think children (people in general to be honest) have an ever decreasing attention span. Whereas a child 20 year ago might colour in for half an hour. Now it’s 2 minutes and they want something else. Partly due to the instant access to games, movie etc on a phone. My youngest sometimes wants to watch tv and have something on the iPad at the same time!!!

Zanatdy · 03/04/2025 16:53

If another adult was talking to me I always made my DC wait it they interrupted. I notice now that most parents stop what they are doing to listen. Parenting has changed, but some parents need to make their DC wait once in a while and sometimes be a bit selfish.

Original poster
Changedusernameforthis2 · 03/04/2025 16:55

bobberra · 03/04/2025 16:32

I think I know what you mean. The basics such as not interrupting (anyone, not just parents) I think are easy rules to implement but sometimes I do take a step back and realise our lives 100% revolve around the kids, without even intending to make it that way. When I was growing up weekends were spent doing a lot of essential 'boring stuff' (food shops, B&Q, etc.) as we only had one car which my dad took to work in the week and there was no such thing as deliveries so it had to be done at the weekend. Now the weekends are completely based on the kids' activities, taking them to parties, days out that they will all enjoy and won't moan about - there is no time for them to feel 'bored' or that they're having to do something for mum and dad.

Similarly there are kids TV channels available 24/7 nowadays and we let them put them on pretty much whenever they want - I wouldn't dream of sticking the boring old news on at 6pm as was the case when I was their age!

Easter holidays coming up and every single day will be based on things they want to do. I've made a point of getting all of the 'boring stuff' out of the way this week (needed to get a tyre changed, needed to return some items in town, etc.) so that they will have two weeks of non-stop entertainment, even if that's just my attention whenever they need it. I work full time but will go out of my way to fit that around their days and my husband's shifts to my own detriment.

The more I think about it, the more examples I can come up with!

I think you've summed up my friend here. All done with love and care, but they've never had to do anything as a greater responsibility to the family, like you say, a food shop or go to b and q to fix something. Therefore they don't understand they are not the centre of the universe

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 03/04/2025 16:56

Your expectations sound way off, who sits in the other room having a takeaway expecting their children to not come into the room!
If you want an adult takeaway with wine and a chat you do it when they’re in bed surely?

Original poster
Changedusernameforthis2 · 03/04/2025 16:59

Sofiewoo · 03/04/2025 16:56

Your expectations sound way off, who sits in the other room having a takeaway expecting their children to not come into the room!
If you want an adult takeaway with wine and a chat you do it when they’re in bed surely?

We didn't want that, you've missed the point. She feels like there's no time and space without them even for the length of a conversation.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/04/2025 17:02

Was the other parent there?

If so why weren't they going to him with their wants & needs?

Original poster
Changedusernameforthis2 · 03/04/2025 17:06

diddl · 03/04/2025 17:02

Was the other parent there?

If so why weren't they going to him with their wants & needs?

He wasn't there as he was at work. They will go to him but not as much, this is also why I mentioned the Toblerone as he has a particular chocolate favourite but that's always left as DAds chocolate and they don't even ask to share that

OP posts:
Epli · 03/04/2025 17:07

Kendodd · 03/04/2025 16:23

Yes, I can't be arsed with a negotiation either. The idea that you can have some sort of democratic relationship with a toddler is ridiculous.

Show quote history

I give a go at explaining why we have to go/why she has to change in pyjamas/go to be, but if my DD does not get it first time I just grab her and put her in the car/pyjamas/whatever relevant (calmly and gently). Usually there is a meltdown the first 2-3 times I do it but she learns very quickly.

Pregnancy3panic · 03/04/2025 17:14

they would be sitting on our laps etc but one of us might say " hang on a minute darling because mummy is talking, let us finish this and tell us in a minute" Then, we would finish , talk to them, them redirect them, and carry on chatting. When we were at her house, they were expected to play where we could see them, but not interrupt us.

Mine are 5 and 2, and this sounds pretty much like how I behave towards them when we go to a friend's house or have friends over. Except actually, the 5 year old is old enough to play out of my sight in his or a friend's bedroom for a good while.

Obviously we shouldn't be reverting back to children being seen and not heard etc, but there's no need to do performative Instagram-style parenting 24/7.

Epli · 03/04/2025 17:15

bobberra · 03/04/2025 16:32

I think I know what you mean. The basics such as not interrupting (anyone, not just parents) I think are easy rules to implement but sometimes I do take a step back and realise our lives 100% revolve around the kids, without even intending to make it that way. When I was growing up weekends were spent doing a lot of essential 'boring stuff' (food shops, B&Q, etc.) as we only had one car which my dad took to work in the week and there was no such thing as deliveries so it had to be done at the weekend. Now the weekends are completely based on the kids' activities, taking them to parties, days out that they will all enjoy and won't moan about - there is no time for them to feel 'bored' or that they're having to do something for mum and dad.

Similarly there are kids TV channels available 24/7 nowadays and we let them put them on pretty much whenever they want - I wouldn't dream of sticking the boring old news on at 6pm as was the case when I was their age!

Easter holidays coming up and every single day will be based on things they want to do. I've made a point of getting all of the 'boring stuff' out of the way this week (needed to get a tyre changed, needed to return some items in town, etc.) so that they will have two weeks of non-stop entertainment, even if that's just my attention whenever they need it. I work full time but will go out of my way to fit that around their days and my husband's shifts to my own detriment.

The more I think about it, the more examples I can come up with!

I listened to a podcast with Jonathan Haidt & Ezra Klein () and Haidt mentioned how we isolated our kids and put the onus of entertaining them on parents, rather than their friends, living in neighborhood and being given a lot of freedom to decide how to spend their time.

As somebody said, parents working full time are spending much more time 'actively' parenting that SAHM in 50s.

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Franjipanl8r · 03/04/2025 17:18

I have a friend- who has 2 sets of children- 20 years apart. 2 by her first marriage (now 30 and 28) and 2 by her second marriage (now 10 and 7)

That’s all you needed to say for me to understand why your friend might be exhausted!

JaninaDuszejko · 03/04/2025 17:21

It's Covid, or rather the impact on children of lockdowns. Her second set of children were stuck at home during a crucial developmental stage.

RedToothBrush · 03/04/2025 17:25

Ohbellayoubigtwat · 03/04/2025 16:16

My oldest is 22, my youngest is 4 (and I have one inbetween).

I moved area when my youngest was born, so I mainly made friends at toddler groups. I’ve seen some faces pulled as I bring her up the same as my eldest.

I had one friend tell me how harsh I am. I just don’t do gentle parenting. For example, if she wants to leave the park, it’s a huge deal. Telling her child they will leave soon, the child has a meltdown, she gently negotiates, gives the child choices to cajole them “when we get in the car, would you like to put on some music? What would you like to listen to?”

Where as I just say, “right, time to leave”. If they don’t like it, I tell them no, we are leaving now. If they still don’t like it (not happened since tiny toddlerhood to fair), they were picked up and carried out.

I can’t be arsed with negotiations.

Do not negotiate with terrorists. If you do they see you as a push over and will push things as far as you can because their goal is to gain as much advantage possible from the situation.

It's funny. I am definitely one of the 'mean' parents. If your kids don't understand 'the look' and always argue back, there's probably a reason for that.

RedToothBrush · 03/04/2025 17:27

JaninaDuszejko · 03/04/2025 17:21

It's Covid, or rather the impact on children of lockdowns. Her second set of children were stuck at home during a crucial developmental stage.

This is getting tired now.

Five years on, this is now being over blown.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2025 17:28

I actually don't think we center children enough in the correct ways that helps set the early years up for future success.

There needs to be a balance of course but we don't acknowledge and address the negative and costly issues we have as a society which imo are deeply and almost consecutively born from adversity in people's formative years.

Lalaghja · 03/04/2025 17:30

I’m definitely much more involved in my children’s play than my parents ever were with me. The other weekend dh and I had some things to do so we just got on with it and left the dc to entertain themselves (3 dc age 7 and under). They were fine just playing in the garden, in their rooms etc, it was bliss. And I had flashbacks to my own 90’s childhood. I realized that with our dc we always do something, go to the park, national trust, set up activities at home, baking, playing football with them etc etc, but whatever we do we’re always with them, entertaining. I think there’s a balance to be found here as it really is wiping us out and we never have any spare time to do other things.

AleaEim · 03/04/2025 17:32

Nameftgigb · 03/04/2025 15:44

I kind of agree with what you’re saying. All you see here and everywhere else is the statement ‘children should always come first, you should always put your children above everyone and everything else’ etc etc. Except I don’t think that’s true, certainly not in all, or even most cases actually. I believe the main caregiver, be that the mum or dad or anyone else, needs to be the priority. If the person responsible for the majority of decisions for the children, caring for the children, discipline for the children, all the tasks that make running their lives smoothly including housework, education decisions and school runs and activities, clubs and social lives, clothing shoes and uniforms etc etc, if that person ends up exhausted and stressed and run into the ground from never putting themselves first, who are the first to suffer? Clearly the children. Obviously I’m not talking about extreme cases (I’ve seen a lot of posts lately where mums have moved brand new boyfriends into the family household, that just makes you a dumbass), but the shit you get on here for doing even the most ordinary things with your children because it’s not ‘good enough’ is mind boggling. The shit I got once for saying my childrens pack lunch is a ham wrap, a baby bel, a yogurt, cucumber slices and fruit, you’d have thought I’d have packed them a bowl of arsenic for their lunch.

whats wrong with that lunch, what else would you have packed? I’m dumbfounded

Bumble2016 · 03/04/2025 17:50

I there's certainly more nuance today then perhaps a long time ago, probably because SEN and additional needs are more widely understood, and the methods for dealing with them better utilized. I'm probably viewed as quite soft because of how I parent my non-verbal toddler (firm boundaries but treated compassionately), but it works for him and for me and ensures both our needs are met (most of the time...). I'm probably more touched out both physically and emotionally than some, but my son really needs this level of support and so I happily provide it.

Ohbellayoubigtwat · 03/04/2025 17:54

RedToothBrush · 03/04/2025 17:25

Do not negotiate with terrorists. If you do they see you as a push over and will push things as far as you can because their goal is to gain as much advantage possible from the situation.

It's funny. I am definitely one of the 'mean' parents. If your kids don't understand 'the look' and always argue back, there's probably a reason for that.

Show quote history

Ah yes, the look! Still works on my eldest!

autisticbookworm · 03/04/2025 17:58

Yes I have the same situation, I raised my dds in a do as I say way and they were fully expected to entertain themselves/be bored etc. My ds who is nine is so much more demanding, parenting is much more exhausting this time around.

Tiredallthetimenow · 03/04/2025 18:04

Ithinkyoumeanhove · 03/04/2025 16:11

I totally agree OP. Children are being brought up to think they are the centre of the universe and everything should revolve around them.
It made me laugh recently as one of my children didn't realise adult TV programmes existed as he had never seen one. It was a huge reality check for me. The fact I had never in his little life put something on for myself unless he was in bed. Just a small thing but I notice how the entire day revolves around the children and their needs. It's hard to pull back from, and it's become the norm for many families.

I had this exact same realisation recently!!

Widowerwouldyou · 03/04/2025 18:08

YANBU!!!!
Have recently been on a couple of ski holidays and the demographic is affluent families so I presume maybe the kids are usually in childcare of some kind (they certainly are on hols) and the performative parenting is nauseating. Taking very loudly ‘to’ the child and referring to themselves as ‘mummy’/daddy , not ‘me’ and clearly performing for the surrounding unwitting ‘audience’.

Ohbellayoubigtwat · 03/04/2025 18:12

Widowerwouldyou · 03/04/2025 18:08

YANBU!!!!
Have recently been on a couple of ski holidays and the demographic is affluent families so I presume maybe the kids are usually in childcare of some kind (they certainly are on hols) and the performative parenting is nauseating. Taking very loudly ‘to’ the child and referring to themselves as ‘mummy’/daddy , not ‘me’ and clearly performing for the surrounding unwitting ‘audience’.

Oh dear god. Loud parenting is a bugbear of mine, I just can’t stand it.

They always look around for approval too while they are doing it.

I always want to stand up, start clapping, crying and tell them that I’ve never seen such outstanding parenting, but I’ve never been brave enough to do it!

Smartiepants79 · 03/04/2025 18:12

I think being child centred is different to be child overwhelmed or child dictated.
I think that more acceptance of children as children and not mini adults is a good thing. It’s fine to make sure they are listened to and their interests and likes taken into account.
BUT raising children is about raising decent adults. Any behaviour that is unacceptable in an adult should be addressed and discouraged in an age appropriate way. All young children will be demanding of time and attention, they will do things that are irritating and silly. It’s one thing to accept this as a normal development stage and put things in place to help them make better choices and completely another to simply ignore the behaviour (or worse, laugh) because ‘they’re only 3 look how cute and funny they are’…….
It suddenly not that cute or funny when they’re 6 or 8. But they don’t know any different because no one ever told them.
My reception class is having to learn ( sometimes quite slowly) that they are not the centre of the universe. They are one of many. And they have to wait and listen.

JaninaDuszejko · 03/04/2025 18:14

RedToothBrush · 03/04/2025 17:27

This is getting tired now.

Five years on, this is now being over blown.

Show quote history

Well, except for the fact that if you look at the data from the Spanish Flu pandemic you can see the impact throughout the life of the generation that were born during the pandemic.

I mean, I'm sure being 20 years older and a more experienced parent has had an impact but if you're talking about a generational thing maybe there's something else.

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