To think you need to marry someone similar to you if you want to be happy?

[ByCheekyDreamer]

I keep hearing that “opposites attract”, but from what I’ve seen, long-term happiness in marriage comes from having a lot in common. Shared values, similar upbringings, financial attitudes, lifestyle choices - it all seems to matter so much more than chemistry or “balance.”

I’ve seen couples who are complete opposites struggle with constant misunderstandings, clashing priorities, or just drifting apart over time. Meanwhile, the happiest couples I know seem to be the ones who fundamentally get each other because they come from similar worlds.

AIBU to think that, for a marriage to truly last and be happy, you’re better off choosing someone who is as similar to you as possible? Or do opposites really make it work?

Ducks and Geese all roast in the same fat.
I think you adjust to each other.
Did in my experience.

After many long term relationships, I married a man who has had an almost identical upbringing to me. Same religion, number of siblings, losing a parent at the same age, education, experiences. Bit spooky really. We hold the same values, politically and morally and follow the same diet. Our relationship is like nothing I had with previous partners. We do have different interests but the groundwork is familiar and solid.
We’ve been together 22 years now and I still feel immensely happy we married.

My DH and had completely opposite upbringings in almost every way. We have very different personalities but that's what makes us work, we balance each other out
Our goals are aligned and how we want to live our life so this is what makes us work.

I think shared values are key. My husband and I are very different but have shared values so we don’t have clashes over big things (we don’t have clashes over anything but I think we are quite unique in that one!).

If your values aren’t aligned, I think that then sometimes (always?) causes big issues when children come along because you’ll naturally lean towards parenting in different ways which may be at odds with each other.

I think in some areas having differences can keep things interesting. But in others I would absolutely not be up for a serious relationship (or any tbh) with someone with drastically opposing views to me.

My husband had a VERY different upbringing (he was solidly middle class, with traditional, right wing parents, private school, fancy holidays etc etc, I was brought up on benefits by extremely left wing working class hippy types haha). He also has a very different attitude to work and money, maybe because he was used to kind of getting everything handed to him whereas I've had to fight for it? I'd say he's a lot more sociable and extrovert than me too.

BUT we have very aligned political views, our lifestyles, interests and musical tastes are similar, and we generally have the same values. I guess some of these aren't that important but politics and values are really important to me so there's no way I could be with someone who doesn't largely share these! And tbh I'd hate it if he didn't broadly enjoy the same things as me generally (both foodies and enjoy eating out, love to travel, love live music and festivals etc)

Oh and religion! DH and I are both atheist/agnostic. I couldn't be with someone religious!

I completely agree

I think it is attitudes and aspirations for the future that matters, not the past.
DH and I are about as different as you can get. We balance each other. But we both want the same things in life. It works for us.

I think you need similar values but being too alike can be an issue. Eg I think any relationship will really struggle if you don’t have similar views on money, life goals and broad approach to children. However, having some different personality traits can be helpful. Eg having two very ‘alpha’ characters probably results in some pretty fiery arguments and having two very passive people potentially means nothing gets decided. A bit of a mixture of personalities, strengths and weaknesses is probably healthy.

As others have said, I think some things are important to be similar on:

Values
Attitude to money
Wanting the same things out of life - e.g. children
How you pass the time - which can be an agreement that you mostly socialise separately if it works for both of you
Sense of humour

But other things can be different -

Personality - DH is much more detail orientated but this is very complementary, e.g. I do our long term financial planning, he does the day to day budget and bills

Cultural background - if the same values

Interests

And some things are easier if you're similar but can be worked around if you aren't -

Introversion/extroversion

You’ve got to be similar / agree on the big stuff - money, family, children.

On small stuff - choice of music, films, hobbies. That’s just a case of enjoying what you like, trying new stuff, compromising.

I had a very successful relationship with someone of a different religion to me, Christian and Jewish. It surprised me that there was absolutely zero problem about it. We chatted about it and concluded that we both were very curious, tolerant and polite people and it wouldn't have occurred to either of us to object.

What did us in was activity levels 🤯 extreme sports v a telly binger.

Agree. DH thinks on an entirely different plane to me.

He did not grow up in a secure home, childhood trauma.

It’s at the root of a lot of his thinking, actions, reactions.

We laugh, like loads of the same things, fancy each other.

But, as a person, he’s extremely difficult to live with…

As a parent, DS loves him. But he’s not on the same page as me.

For me I had a lot of childhood trauma and no shark cage. Once I had counselling (cost thousands) and developed an awareness of abuse - different types and the subtle and non subtle forms and how to deal with it (not engage, dump, don’t do date 2) same with some friendships I had that were also abusive (left them too). Developed a sense of worth, sense of like of myself and boundaries. Then I met DH. Honestly I was like ‘there you are my love, I’ve been looking for you’- at the time I wanted to be single and didn’t want to date never mind marry.

he is peaceful and laidback - I’m feistier than him. Both of us love history, learning, nature and crossword. He is my safe harbour, my lighthouse and he feels the same about me.

Oh the other thing that for me personally needa to be similar - intelligence

I really wouldn't want to be either significantly cleverer or significantly stupider than my partner

@Ladamesansmerci

"I personally couldn't be with someone with vastly different political and moral viewpoints. I couldn't date someone with vastly different intelligence either. Some people don't care about politics etc, but it's a deal breaker for me."

Pretty much what I was going to say.

DH and I are similar in terms of interests, life goals, but we have very different strengths and weaknesses, which I think makes us stronger. He is calm and measured with decision making, whereas I’m quite impulsive. I’m great in a crisis and he panics, but he is great at long term goal planning whereas I’m very much ‘here and now’. I think those personality traits make us stronger as a couple.

I think it can be a huge benefit to have different skills and interests. Agree that having fundamentally different values is likely to cause a problem though.

Core values, politics, humour, music.
I need a carer/calm one to balance the scatty chaos. He needs a driven, quick one to wake him up. It works this way.

I don’t think you can be that prescriptive about people.

My husband and I are very alike in a lot of ways. Similar values, beliefs are generally aligned, we typically aim for the same things in terms of how we see our life going.

We’re unlike in lots of aspects. I’m more outgoing and forthright, he’s calmer and more measured in his approach; I’m emotional whereas he’s able to park emotions and be more rational; I have a generally positive outlook, he can be quite negative/cynical.

We get on extremely well.

I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who had hugely differing beliefs (politics, religion etc), but I think there’s a variance in all relationships around what someone will tolerate.

I don’t think there’s a magic formula. If there was it would have been uncovered by now.
My partner and I are very similar in some ways and complete opposites in others. We are sometimes blissfully happy and sometimes can’t stand each other.
Marriage is not simple, and it shouldn’t be made out to be so.
It takes work, commitment, patience and kindness. But it’s sooo worth it.

I think similarity in fundamental values and having interests in common is important; however, some differences can strengthen a relationship and make it work.

I'm pretty calm and down to earth, which means I can cope with dh's anxiety and slightly irrational side. I'm very indecisive and he is a bit impulsive so we cancel each other out in that way, but on the other hand I prioritise fun, he's a saver.

We come from very different backgrounds, which brings different things to our relationship. We have my family - big, working class, not much money, but close and loving and his - financially much more comfortable, much more into design, fashion, etc but no extended family.

Sadly, we're both untidy and we both procrastinate. I'd like him to be my opposite in both of those things.

We're still together 25 years in, so something must be working.