To think you need to marry someone similar to you if you want to be happy?

[ByCheekyDreamer]

I keep hearing that “opposites attract”, but from what I’ve seen, long-term happiness in marriage comes from having a lot in common. Shared values, similar upbringings, financial attitudes, lifestyle choices - it all seems to matter so much more than chemistry or “balance.”

I’ve seen couples who are complete opposites struggle with constant misunderstandings, clashing priorities, or just drifting apart over time. Meanwhile, the happiest couples I know seem to be the ones who fundamentally get each other because they come from similar worlds.

AIBU to think that, for a marriage to truly last and be happy, you’re better off choosing someone who is as similar to you as possible? Or do opposites really make it work?

My exH and I were friends before we got together, had similar values, similar politics, similar hobbies. Both wanted children, had 3 children together. He still had an affair and left me. 🙄

I’m an only child married to someone from a big close family.i love that. He is quiet and calm and an optimist, I’m chatty and volatile and a glass half empty person.Happily (mostly) married for nearly 50 years.

I think it depends on the people. I personally couldn't be with someone with vastly different political and moral viewpoints. I couldn't date someone with vastly different intelligence either. Some people don't care about politics etc, but it's a deal breaker for me.

It's important for me that someone has passions, but I don't care what they are. My wife is into fencing, whereas I hate sports and like indoor hobbies like painting, writing, and board games. We do some things like board games and baking together. I couldn't date someone who wanted a really sporty/outdoors lifestyle though as that's not me. Music etc I think is very superficial and it really doesn't matter to me. In fact I like having different tastes in those things and experiencing the joy of sharing new music together.

I wouldn't want someone with my exact personality, but I do like people who are laid back, introspective, and are generally quite positive. I couldn't be with someone who is militantly organised. I'm naturally just very even tempered and would struggle with someone more highly strung. Some traits matter less e.g. my wife is a lot less social than me, deals with conflict very differently, etc

For me, yes this has worked very well.

Husband and I are very different personalities with different interests but we come from similar families, backgrounds, have the same values and morals etc. It's very easy and happy. I've had previous relationships which were not like this and it was much harder work!

We also make each other laugh a lot which I think will do us well into old age!

The older I get the mote important I think is class.
I didn't really notice it when I was younger.
Now I think that was just ignorance or naivety.
Of course people from different classes can get on.
But for marriage or close long term friendship I'm thinking broadly similar class background helps.

I keep hearing that “opposites attract”, but from what I’ve seen, long-term happiness in marriage comes from having a lot in common. Shared values, similar upbringings, financial attitudes, lifestyle choices - it all seems to matter so much more than chemistry or “balance.”

I agree about shared values, financial attitudes and lifestyle choices. I think it's also important to like at least some of the same kinds of things. I hate the sound of a relationship where the man has stereotypical manly interests and the woman has stereotypical women's interests and they don't enjoy any shared activities!

I think you can have all those things in common and still have really different personalities though. Dh and I are very, very different in personality but have a lot of other stuff in common. He would not get on with a wife who had a similar personality to him!

Interesting one... my DP (of 25 years) had a very different upbringing to me. Bought up (he would say dragged up) in a city by a single parent. 5 siblings with a number of different fathers. He ran off and joined the forces as soon as he could. Left after 16 years and drifted from job to job. Me, parents married until DF passed away. 1 sibling, Grammar School, pony, rural upbringing (not well off though).
We have very different interests HOWEVER, we have also have things we both enjoy - travel, music, festivals, some sport events etc, so i have time doing my thing, he has time doing his thing, but we make sure we spend time doing the things we both love together. He likes to hear about the things I've been up to even though he doesn't want to get involved, and vice versa. He's made me move out of my comfort zone a bit more, and I've made him settle down a bit more. i think we compliment each other.
My first husband was from a very similar background to me with similar interests and we just got bored of each other in the end.

I was very concerned when I was getting married that I had basically chosen a copy of my dad - my dad was also terminally ill at the time.

Years later I can confirm that DH is very similar to my dad, which is fine as my dad was awesome.

I am however nothing like my MIL, DH made sure of that 😅

I disagree. Me and my DH are literally polar opposites but he’s the one I married! I’m more academic and he’s supremely practical.

On paper I should have been so much more compatible in my previous relationships (even down to star signs) but being with some a bit less predictable is a lot more stimulating IME.

My DH and I have very yin-yang vibes.

We align with our political, religious and moral leanings for the most part. We have shared interests - we both love watching sports (either on telly or in stadiums), we like the same kind of music, we both like theatre shows. But pretty much everything else? Polar opposites.
He’s a very confident extrovert, whereas I’m a pretty antisocial introvert. But that just means I bounce off his personality in social situations.
He’s very cool, calm and collected the vast majority of the time, whereas I freak out at a minor inconvenience 🫠😂
He’s very good at diffusing confrontation, whereas I’ll happily fight to the death 🫣
We also come from very different family dynamics - my parents have been married for 30+ years and I have one sibling. His parents were never actually in a relationship and his dad knew nothing of his existence until he was a toddler, he also has multiple siblings from his parents’ marriages to other people.

I agree that you have to be aligned with your partner about important things - finances, political/moral leanings, life goals etc but honestly? If my DH’s personality matched mine, there’d probably be a murder committed 😂

I think you have to have the same values, aims and temperament but that you don't need to mirror one another with the same hobbies, tastes and opinions.

Hmm how's that for your calm and rational partner though? Perhaps not so much in it for him!

I think you need the same values and attitudes to key things but you don't need to be clones of each other.

It's both.

You need someone with the same core values as you and who understands you. But equally you need someone who balances you.

I overthink everything and DH is very relaxed. He can bring me out of an overthinking spiral and I can make him see the bigger picture. We want to end up in the same place, but we come at it from different angles.

DH was a proper wild teenager and I was quite straight laced. He gets me to do things I wouldn't have, and I have fun. And I show him calmer ways to have fun.

At the end of the day, personalities can be wildly different and you're attracted to the difference to yourself. But if you want totally different things in life or value different things you won't be happy together.

Yes and no.
You need to be similar in terms of values and aspirations, complementary in other ways.
My exH was similar to me personality wise and it led to lots of clashes.
My new boyfriend is similar in terms of long term goals, family values etc. However we are opposites in other ways - I'm more driven, him more laid back. Im extroverted, hes introverted. We bring out the best in each other.
It's small things (talking metaphorically here) like, i like soggy chips, BF likes crispy ones so if we order chips together we share perfectly - My ex and i would have wanted the same things and clashed over it. So being complementary rather than similar or opposite, is the key.

Ha ha same

I think the best combination is complementary (not the same) personalities but with shared values.

It's a nice balance but achieves common goals.

He knew what he was getting into i told him I had bpd right at the start

You need someone whose core values align with yours in my opinion. I’m opposite to my husband in some ways and similar in others. But we align on respect and love and that’s why I think we work

There are things where you NEED to be compatible: morals, money, family values. Or if not compatible, very good at negotiating and compromise.

I've seen so many relationships fail due to lack of financial compatibility.

Other than that, as long as you get on then it doesn't really matter. It's nice to have stuff in common but also nice to have that independence and do your own thing too.

We’ve been married 30 years and I guess over time we have become more similar but fundamentally we are like chalk and cheese. We do a fair amount separately but do love each other very much.

My calm and rational partner loves that I am energetic and think too much, cos it means he doesn't have to think as much.

In the same way that I, being quite antisocial and introverted, love that he is able to strike up a conversation with anyone and make friends in an empty room. It means he can do the "friendly" or "charming" for us as a couple and I can just get involved when I'm comfortable.

Complementary.

oh god no, two of me would be a nightmare

Wildly different personalities, shared values.

His strengths and weaknesses are in areas different to my strengths and weaknesses, so we complement each other well. He's unflappable, I have the ideas and the enthusiasm. He's a "let's just get started", I'm a "let's plan this out fully so we know what we're doing." He's quiet, I'm very not quiet. We balance each other out well.

I think you need to share values to have a happy life together, and somewhat similar backgrounds, expectations from life, and so on helps, too. You don't want to be constantly butting heads over the things that really matter to you.

But obviously you don't want someone who's too much like you, either, because then you both have the same weaknesses and can't as easily offer a different perspective. You want to add interest to your spouse's life, introducing one another to new things you wouldn't have tried or heard about on your own.