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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you need to marry someone similar to you if you want to be happy?

72 replies

ByCheekyDreamer · 03/04/2025 14:51

I keep hearing that “opposites attract”, but from what I’ve seen, long-term happiness in marriage comes from having a lot in common. Shared values, similar upbringings, financial attitudes, lifestyle choices - it all seems to matter so much more than chemistry or “balance.”

I’ve seen couples who are complete opposites struggle with constant misunderstandings, clashing priorities, or just drifting apart over time. Meanwhile, the happiest couples I know seem to be the ones who fundamentally get each other because they come from similar worlds.

AIBU to think that, for a marriage to truly last and be happy, you’re better off choosing someone who is as similar to you as possible? Or do opposites really make it work?

OP posts:
MummaMummaMumma · 03/04/2025 14:53

Me and my husband are extremely different in most ways! But we adore eachother and get along great, still going strong over 20 years later 😍

Differentstarts · 03/04/2025 14:54

My god no i would hate to be with someone like me. I need my partner to be calm and rational as I am not.

frozendaisy · 03/04/2025 14:56

Not sure you can whittle the colourful thing we call life into an either/or situation.

Some straight-laced, professionals need a dreamy romantic for balance.
Sometimes ulta runners are best together because no one else would understand.

There are relationships that work and ones that don't.

H and I would never have swiped yes online, but work just fine, we are complementary I would say rather than opposite or the same.

Enjoy the colour OP don't worry about particular specifications.

CanOfMangoTango · 03/04/2025 14:56

I agree.

On the surface me and DH are very different: interests, schooling, work history, music choices, hobbies etc. Couldn't be more opposite lol

But despite cultural differences our upbringing was very similar indeed and that has fed a lot into us as adults and things we prioritise. Some things we do because they are very different to how we were brought up, some the same because we see the value in it.

I can really see how couples can clash because of those values and would be really hard to resolve. We're very lucky.

Stickortwigs · 03/04/2025 14:58

I think you need to be on the same page with attitudes to money but personality, interests or temperament can be wildly different.

Gillyyy · 03/04/2025 14:59

I think the real key is to be able to respect each others differences and points of view (even if you have a different opinion!)

Hecatoncheires · 03/04/2025 15:01

I agree with the need for similar values and approaches to major things such as finances, parenting. Likes/dislikes and personality can differ as long as the big things are harmonious. Eg, my DH is naturally sporty and active and has never read a book in the decades we have been together, but I'm a big couch potato who loves to read and enjoys spending time at home. He leads with his head and I'm much more impulsive from the heart. But we have similar views on managing household finances and lifestyle in general. And we still make each other laugh!

Tooty78 · 03/04/2025 15:01

We have a lot of 'communality' in our relationship, our parents were married until death, Dh has 3 siblings, I have 4. Both of us middle children, same outlook, values and goals.
Have been happily married for 46 years, and yes it has worked for us.

Wineisalwaysagoodidea · 03/04/2025 15:05

My DH and I share the same attitude and values and I think that's fundamentally important. More so than shared interests or personalities (we are chalk & cheese on the latter - the balance works well!)

Maitri108 · 03/04/2025 15:06

It's very important that someone has the same values. I couldn't be with someone punching the air over Trump's tarrifs for example.

However, the rest depends on how you gel as personalities. I don't do fiery, so someone who shouts and gets easily riled up wouldn't be for me. They might have the same values but I couldn't stand all the drama.

Titasaducksarse · 03/04/2025 15:09

Sharing certain values and having similar ethics and morals, to me is fundamentally essential for any successful relationship.
However having differing interests, likes, views, personalities is fine.

Sourwitch · 03/04/2025 15:10

I think the key to a happy long marriage is you both need to feel that you’ve git a good deal and that you couldn’t do ‘better’ so you’re happy. Like looks wise you’re both a similar level of attractiveness.

Obviously there is a lot more to it but I think the above plays a crucial role

sumor · 03/04/2025 15:10

Shared values, similar upbringings, financial attitudes, lifestyle choices

I'd agree common goals are important - and if there are differences an ablity to communicate and find a compromise.

I don't think that automatcially means shared backgrounds or personalities.

I'm more risk adverse in fiancial matters and around kids - but we tend to find balance we can both live with.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/04/2025 15:10

DH and I are very different in terms of the things that you've listed. Wildly different upbringings in terms of culture, class, material wealth, family education etc. Very different financial attitudes. Significant differences in lifestyle preferences etc. Different beliefs. Different food choices. Different earning potential. Different tidiness levels in the home. Different attitudes towards time. Different TV preferences etc.

However, we do share the same fundamental values and beliefs about what is really important in life. And we laugh at the same things.

We've been together for 30 years and married for 25 of those. Yeah, we annoy the hell out of each other sometimes but we still love each other despite our difference. In many ways, I think we both like the challenge...it's what keeps life interesting!

gannett · 03/04/2025 15:10

Christ the thought of going out with someone exactly like me sent an absolute chill down my back. It would be a nightmare, a chaotic one.

You need compatibility but that's not the same thing as similarity. You need to be on the same page about some things (politics comes to mind for me) but in others, opposite traits can complement each other and balance each other out (my artistic temperament with DP's scientific practicality, for instance).

jellyfishperiwinkle · 03/04/2025 15:11

I think you have to same the same or very similar approach to money, kids and tidiness. But generally I can see couples where one is a Type A and the other is a Type B and they balance one another out and get on well.

Sausagenbacon · 03/04/2025 15:11

I won't reiterate what others have said, all very sensible. But , my dh is an only child of a single mother, and I'm one of three and brought up by 2 parents. Which led to problems.
Tbh I would avoid only children
But, and it's a big but, he is sunny natured and optimistic, while I am a pessimist. I would hate to be married to another pessimist.

Coali · 03/04/2025 15:13

I think you need to share the same approaches to things like money, childcare, values, etc. As long as you are happy with things and respect each other. My husband and I complement each other with our opposites.

TimeForTeaAndToast · 03/04/2025 15:21

I think attitude to money has to be similar. DH and I are both savers and not big spenders. I would hate to be with a reckless spender or gambler. He would hate to be with someone spending money on stupid and unnecessary stuff.

Also level of tidiness. I would hate to be with a slob and so would he.

Eightdayz · 03/04/2025 15:21

For me, it depends greatly on the person and whether you want to MAKE it work. DP and I are polar opposites on most things but we MAKE it work.

Ponderingwindow · 03/04/2025 15:22

I’ve been married twice. My first marriage caused me great amounts of stress and damaged my self esteem. We both did things that were not great as spouses. That problem wasn’t that we were bad people, we were just bad for one another.

We did have mostly similar values, but they weren’t similar enough. Most importantly, the way we wanted to spend time was different. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of wanting to do the same thing on a Saturday afternoon.

my second marriage is night and day. We had very similar upbringings. We have similar values and shared life goals. Our personalities match. I actually broke up with him the first time we dated because I thought we were too similar. I was young and stupid. He was the perfect man for me.

lilydragon · 03/04/2025 15:24

Stickortwigs · 03/04/2025 14:58

I think you need to be on the same page with attitudes to money but personality, interests or temperament can be wildly different.

Agree with this. Definitely need to be on the same page re money, and if you have kids, parenting styles. The rest (personality, interests etc), I do think opposites can attract.

BarneyRonson · 03/04/2025 15:24

I made a mistake marrying someone different from me and my background, I wanted to transcend petty expectations and marry despite differences. My conclusion is , don’t ever marry someone who isn’t into the same music as you and who needs less sleep than you do.

LeaveTaking · 03/04/2025 15:25

I think it’s more complex than being similar or different.

However, me and DH are nothing alike and going on 20 years. I don’t know that I would be keen if we had the same hobbies/interests. We have our marriage and children in common!

parietal · 03/04/2025 15:26

Online dating sites have spent millions of pounds and years of time to predict which people are going to match well based on personality questionnaires, values, culture, and all sorts of other things. And they are still pretty rubbish at it. Being similar helps a bit but there is more to it than that, or there is something the questionnaires can’t measure.