DH doesn't want me sick and at home

[Burntoutandsevered]

I've not gone into huge detail about my work issue, as this thread is really about my DH.

I work in a senior position in a stressful job. We support very vulnerable people in very serious situations. We've had some difficult operational and staffing issues that have seriously impacted our delivery and reputation. I have flagged these and asked my board repeatedly for help and support. I've repeatedly been told "It's fine". It's not.

This situation has been seriously impacting my mental health for the last 6 months. It's been building and coming to a head over that time. Its reached crisis point. Last week I prepared to meet my line manager (board chair) and lay out, again, the impact this is having on me. I'm not sleeping, I'm anxious, overwhelmed, tearful, snappy, cant eat, starting to struggle to function day to day in the office and at home. I've had in my head that I would do this and, if nothing changes, I'll have no choice but to put myself first, see my doctor and take some time away until I start to feel better able to deal with things. Or leave. My boss wasn't available so it got postponed.

Last week, my DH had an accident at work and injured himself. Not life threatening, but surgery and a long recovery period. I was very worried about him when he was in theatre and want to help take care of him. He's signed off for 6 weeks. He needs a lot of help to do things around the house. He's very limited in what he can do to practically care for our 9 Yr old (can't drive/do school runs, wash, do a lot if basic household tasks). His injury inevitably means more heavy lifting at home for me. He's been very stoic and level headed, as is his way. I admire him for that.

I was talking about work again tonight and got upset. He knows how hard it's been and is broadly supportive, but also doesn't really get it because his job is very very different. I told him I'd been holding out for this meeting with my boss, and that I was worried my mental health was taking a nose dive and that I'd end up needing some time off. He looked visibly deflated. I said "Are you disappointed that, if I need some time off, I'll be encroaching on your time at home?" He said "Only a bit".

Now I feel like if my mental health is poor I can't be off, because he won't want me around at home. I've considered getting signed off for a couple of weeks and just not telling him, getting out of the house every day but not going to work. And I realise how bonkers that is.

I'm in a bit of a mental fug, not thinking very clearly. I feel like I need to just trudge on until I implode. What else can I do?

You go to the GP and get yourself signed off, if anything, the fact that you’re both home should mean you get to spend some actual time together. Never mind what he thinks.

He said only a bit. So it's fine for you to be at home - in your own home. He doesn't get priority. Get signed off if you are too ill to work,

Did you not try and carry the conversation on further than that OP? He said “only a bit” - is it possible that’s made you feel rejected as you already feel quite vulnerable? (Understandably so)

I would have discussed this further with him. All you have to go on is him appearing deflated and saying three words.

This doesn’t bode well for when you both retire really does it.

If you’re not well enough to work then you have equal rights to be at home and really you should both be being kind to each other and stepping up to care for each other. (I know you are doing this, I mean him).

Just get signed off.

Never mind what he says

Get yourself signed off for a month

Unless you live in a tiny house, I think the reality of the situation will be fine. You’ll be home off sick, for less time than him. Someone will still need to deal with the 9yo so school run, meal cooking, laundry etc and it looks like because of his injury that will be you. I think you can take succour in mundane things, at times of peak stress. It’s not all about sleep and resting on the sofa. It’s about mentally clearing your head. You can be up and out with DC, take yourself off for two hour walk and coffee, go home, eat lunch, pop out to supermarket, collect DC, come home and potter and cook, go to bed early. The time will fly by. You won’t be in each other’s pockets as much as you think.

How does he think you're going to be encroaching on him being home? He's home with physical injury, to recover, not home for a jolly.
If you need time off, which it sounds like you do, then you take it. At home.

He sounds selfish and entitled tbh

This is much more practical and sensible advice and information than I gave. Agree with it all.

Husband went down with a dreadful cold/cough/fever virus last week. I went down with it on Sunday. We're being very solicitous to each other. His suffering is worse than mine to be fair.

Did you ask him why

1. He doesn't want you in the house at the same time as him
2. Why he made it obvious
3. Why he isn't wanting you to do what you can to get yourself better
4. Why he isn't wanting you to do what you can to make it easier on you while you're picking up his share of pretty much everything on top of yours?

He was probably planning to binge watch something really embarrassing and didn't feel he can if you're there. I wouldn't overthink it!

A few years back I was signed off work due to poor MH. About a week in my DP had an accident at work which meant he was signed off for 6 weeks. I won’t lie I was a bit disappointed I wouldn’t have space to myself to try and get my head back in a good place but we actually had a brilliant time. It also happened to be the school summer holidays for some of it as well so we had some proper family time and before the kids broke up it was nice to have some time just the 2 of us and did us both the world of good. I can understand his disappointment but please please don’t let that be a factor in your decision to see your GP it’s important to put yourself first and don’t delay it until he’s back at work. Something has to give and if that has to be work to give you space to breathe then so be it. I hope your employer listens and makes changes and that you can start to feel better soon 💐

What a bizarre, selfish, uncaring thing for him to feel. Please don't let it impact your decision on taking time off work which you clearly need. Do consider what it says about your marriage though. How horrible of him.

Well he’s encroaching on your time at home too so you’re both in the same boat and will have to work it out. Try not to read too much into it. You’re both hurting in different ways and probably extra sensitive, feeling sorry for yourselves and needing support that the other can’t give enough of. Take the time off you need and be practical about giving each other some space and cutting each other some slack. You both equally need to recover and rest and get yourselves back to full health.

I carried on at work in a terrible toxic place for months longer than I should have until I had a complete breakdown. I'm only getting myself back properly now, almost 3 years later.

It doesn't matter how he feels about it, you need to look after yourself.

Blimey. Take the time you need and if necessary find some separation from each other. One person in the living room, the other in the bedroom watching a film on a laptop or reading a book. It's your home, you pay a lot to live there, you are absolutely entitled to be there. Between you find a way to make it work - but equally, not with you just fitting round his preferences.

Also you will recover much quicker if treated with respect and compassion.... your DH might want to factor that into his choices.

Look after yourself too @Burntoutandsevered. Get signed off, if you crash and burn, things will get a lot worse and with your DH out of action, it'll be a hard recovery.

Having been signed off years ago for burnout, try and get as long as possible, it takes at least a fortnight to unwind and let go of the anxiety. Don't be closed off to medication either, it was a lifesaver for me. I hope you can get some breathing space.

I think you possibly took it more to heart than he intended, and he possibly didn’t quite grasp the full extent of your feelings. There was a lot more conversation to be had there.

Who cares what he thinks? If you need time off for your mental health, then prioritise that. Really it should be nice to spend time together, and you don’t have to be in eachothers pockets either. Nor do you need to spend the entire time looking after him either..

How big is your house? I have friends who both work from home and literally don’t see each other all day unless they are both in the kitchen at the same time. I’d make it clear to your husband that you will be needing space yourself!

I said "Are you disappointed that, if I need some time off, I'll be encroaching on your time at home?" He said "Only a bit"

Why did you say that though OP? Are you sure his look of deflation was not worry about the financial implications of you both being out of action at work, why would you immediately jump to assuming he doesn't want you at home? Is it something that has come up before or a regular weekend issue?

Have you considered that maybe he doesn't want to worry you about the financial impact, so when you answered the question for him, it was easier for him to go along with that and almost joke about it rather than admit his actual worries which would then put enormous pressure on you to stay in a job that you are struggling with so much at the moment.

He knows it would be unreasonable to make you stay in work, but maybe he was just deflated and worried about the bad timing of everything.

With kindness, if you are having such a hard time with anxiety and stress, that can so easily leak into your home life, please talk to him properly rather than make assumptions about what he may be thinking or feeling.

DH is in a high stress job and has anxiety and there’s a lot of chat about his MH in our household - he had a bad time mid-late last year. I’m not someone who particularly understands or is interested in MH so supporting him is very heavy for me, I’m a practical person and the endless listening/reassurance grates at times. I’ve been pleased to go to work or see him go to work on occasion! The thought of being at home with him, trapped physically and feeling unwell myself, if he gets signed off at a particularly bad time, would be really onerous. I love him deeply and always want to support him, but that would be a lot for me. Perhaps he was just looking forward to a quiet convalescence and now you’re going to be there needing lots of support he feels ill equipped to give at the moment?

Goodness your family is really going through it right now - what awful timing to have a major injury alongside a job/mental health crisis. I'd imagine that everyone's worn thin and struggling to stay positive.

As an introvert in a busy family who absolutely saw some rare alone time in the house (when for once I didn't feel like I needed to get up and be productive) as the one silver lining the last time I needed a major surgery, I can understand him being a little disappointed. And my desire for space tends to be especially acute when I'm hurting and/or DH or I have been under a lot of stress and aren't necessarily at our most patient, best selves. Yes, it would be ideal if he could hide that from you but most of us aren't actually that great at concealing our feelings from the people who know us best in the moment and once you had picked up on it straight-up lying to your face probably wouldn't have helped.

But that can be true and understandable and also not mean that you shouldn't take time off work if you need to right now. You both have valid needs here, and they may conflict a bit but if you have an honest conversation and work together you can find a way to give both of you some peaceful individual recovery time and some relaxed time together.