DH doesn't want me sick and at home

[Burntoutandsevered]

I've not gone into huge detail about my work issue, as this thread is really about my DH.

I work in a senior position in a stressful job. We support very vulnerable people in very serious situations. We've had some difficult operational and staffing issues that have seriously impacted our delivery and reputation. I have flagged these and asked my board repeatedly for help and support. I've repeatedly been told "It's fine". It's not.

This situation has been seriously impacting my mental health for the last 6 months. It's been building and coming to a head over that time. Its reached crisis point. Last week I prepared to meet my line manager (board chair) and lay out, again, the impact this is having on me. I'm not sleeping, I'm anxious, overwhelmed, tearful, snappy, cant eat, starting to struggle to function day to day in the office and at home. I've had in my head that I would do this and, if nothing changes, I'll have no choice but to put myself first, see my doctor and take some time away until I start to feel better able to deal with things. Or leave. My boss wasn't available so it got postponed.

Last week, my DH had an accident at work and injured himself. Not life threatening, but surgery and a long recovery period. I was very worried about him when he was in theatre and want to help take care of him. He's signed off for 6 weeks. He needs a lot of help to do things around the house. He's very limited in what he can do to practically care for our 9 Yr old (can't drive/do school runs, wash, do a lot if basic household tasks). His injury inevitably means more heavy lifting at home for me. He's been very stoic and level headed, as is his way. I admire him for that.

I was talking about work again tonight and got upset. He knows how hard it's been and is broadly supportive, but also doesn't really get it because his job is very very different. I told him I'd been holding out for this meeting with my boss, and that I was worried my mental health was taking a nose dive and that I'd end up needing some time off. He looked visibly deflated. I said "Are you disappointed that, if I need some time off, I'll be encroaching on your time at home?" He said "Only a bit".

Now I feel like if my mental health is poor I can't be off, because he won't want me around at home. I've considered getting signed off for a couple of weeks and just not telling him, getting out of the house every day but not going to work. And I realise how bonkers that is.

I'm in a bit of a mental fug, not thinking very clearly. I feel like I need to just trudge on until I implode. What else can I do?

Please get yourself signed off work now- A few years ago I didn't when I should have and ended up in hospital. Your job really does not matter - don't let it get to a crisis. I've never let it get like that again- still pressured- I was off for a month and went back with the main stressor removed and have been fine for the last 5 years.

I am very resilient by the way and covered 3 people's jobs for a period of six weeks after I went back to work. Did the essentials and we got through. This was a couple of years after I went back.

Was wake up call for me and if I start to get panicky I pull right back and look after me. I have a very flexible and helpful boss which really helps. Have never been off sick since that month btw. Work pays the bills but your health matters more.
Disregard DH's insensitive comments- mine had to take time off to 'look after' me so we were together 24/7 for 3 weeks once I came out of hospital but it turned out really well for us. Look after yourself - to hell with work you matter so much more. They manage - they always do!

O god please don’t nose dive into it. He’s hurt, your struggling, shits said it dosnt mean people don’t care. Life is not that black and white and FFS do not rely on mn, for a support network they fucking fail at every hurdle. Praticle help yes, but emotional NO!

Take the time, both of you spend time together while you can, enjoy the moment and heal. You don’t have to do it together all the time, take each and every second you can to yourselves and share the rest. Think of the rest after.

This. You need to get yourself well.
You should be able to be in your own home.

That said, have some nice places in mind; places where you will be uplifted when you visit - like lovely gardens, sweet coffee shops, wild woods, beaches and galleries.
Choose to spend some of your recovery time immersed in what is good for your own mental health, and nature often is the perfect fix.

Can I ask how signing yourself off from work will deal with the situations you are dealing with at work? If you cannot manage the stress, maybe a step down would be better.

Don’t take my post as criticism because it’s not but when we work in senior positions there is little room to stick one’s head in the sand without whatever scull fuckery you are dealing with being ten times worse than you left it on your return.

Is it possible that despite stoic front DH is in pain, struggling a bit emotionally and so giving a less considered response than he would usually?
Take the time off OP you need to get your equilibrium back.

I'd totally ignore his 'disappointment' and just go off sick. Make a point of not helping him too much at all with physical tasks as obviously he clearly thinks he can manage better in the house injured without you there!

Above is good advice.

Also, you are both stressed, tired out and trying to recover from a lot of worries. So sometimes one or other of you might sound like that. Give both of yourselves a break. If you get signed off by your GP.. you can spend time de stressing.. it will be a lot less stress for both of you.

It might be (and this is pure speculation) that he is a tiny bit alarmed at the thought of being a captive audience, it might be a good idea of you get some counselling you can pour your thoughts out to, so it's not just him. That would probably help both of you, as he's also probably in pain and worried about work and fed up about his injury. But there could be a way for you to support each other, have a coffee out together, or sit and relax together in the garden etc

I hope you do get some time off to deal with this, it sounds like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. You've repeatedly asked your board for support and help to no avail. Perhaps your going off sick with stress might be a catalyst for them to actually do something.

Similar to others, I also am unsure exactly what your DH’s response meant. It seems as though there is an intense atmosphere in the house due to your work. Maybe your DH feels when the house is empty, it’s a chance to breathe.

I felt similar the first time I had the house to myself after a harrowing first year with a newborn and DH being snappy and moody all year, only for me to return to work and have challenges there too. I felt cornered from all angles. My favourite day was my day off work, where DH went into work, our DC was in daycare and the house was blissfully silent and mine for a few hours.

I think you should have asked him exactly what he meant by ‘only a bit’ - also speaking from experience (had hand surgery last year), it’s such a help to have someone at home when you’re recovering so I hope your DH realises it might be helpful for you to be at home too.

I'm another one who would be disappointed in your husbands situation, OP, just because I love time all alone in my own space and rarely get it, but it wouldn't mean I wanted you not to get signed off.
If I was him, I can imagine my first selfish reaction would be 'Oh damn!' And a fleeting look of chagrin would cross my face. And if he then asked me about it I'd be honest, not thinking that he is in a vulnerable state and will fret about this rather than taking it lightheartedly, because I am a foot in mouth kind of person. I would NOT, NEVER want him to compromise his mental health to appease my momentary dismay. And I think your husband signalled that too, by saying 'only a bit' rather than don't. He doesn't want you to give weight to his preference, so don't.

He was just looking forward to some space. Like you he’s a busy working person and the opportunity for space and rest is very rare. I guess he thought at least that was the positive of his injury - some quiet solitude at home. A rarity.

It doesn’t have to be a massive rejection of
you.

However you need to separate from his mild feelings of disappointment in order to decide about your own health. Get signed off if that’s what you need. And maybe talk to him about how it will look.

It’s draining to be the support person for someone with MH issues (sorry, but it is). He’s not firing on all cylinders himself.

I was off work for 6 weeks after an operation at the end of last year. I would have been a bit gutted to have to consider/support my (lovely) husband through his stuff, during a rare period of time that I needed to focus on me.

Who cares if your DH has plans for an epic tv watch. Take the time to get better. Your health matters.

It's probably a hang up from lock down, lots of people have this. Unfortunately your DH will just need to suck it up, hopefully you can both give each other some space. There is a wider issue re your work, why are you staying in such a toxic environment, you need to find another job before you have a breakdown.

He's signed off for 6 weeks. He needs a lot of help to do things around the house. He's very limited in what he can do to practically care for our 9 Yr old (can't drive/do school runs, wash, do a lot if basic household tasks). His injury inevitably means more heavy lifting at home for me. He's been very stoic and level headed, as is his way. I admire him for that.

You’ve described someone who is a major drain on you and expecting/ accepting you running round after him and your son, as he can do fuck all to help, as ‘very stoic and level headed’ - and admiring him?! 🤷‍♀️

The fact he is not in a stressful job so is finding it hard to empathise with you is irrelevant to the fact that he resents the prospect of you encroaching on his time at home - any size of ‘a bit’. (The ‘only’ part again is relevant)

It implies that he is viewing this time off as a holiday and being at home as well-earned ‘him time’, while allowing you to run yourself ragged looking after him, the house and your son. He is doing literally nothing to contribute, to your detriment, and is implying he would be resentful at you being at home for a portion of his time off work, like you fancy gatecrashing his well-earned holiday or something. This isn’t annual leave, it’s time off to recuperate following an unavoidable accident, he didn’t plan to take time off to enjoy solo time at home. How dare he dictate whether you too take time off due to mental and emotional stress by making you feel that he doesn’t want you in the house spoiling his alone time! Selfish, ungrateful bastard! It isn’t up to him, and why on earth would he be upset at you being at home anyway?

Does he not like being in the house at the same time as him? Does he feel you will be expecting to sit with him all day long? Checking up on him? It’s only for 2-4 weeks anyway so he will still have longer to be by himself, if that’s what he so desperately wants. I can’t see how after all that you are doing for him that he would be in the least bit resentful you also taking time off work because you (like him) find yourself incapable to work. Does he not ‘get’ mental health and doesn’t see it as a ‘real’ condition? Would he rather you battle on at work so he can watch Homes under the Hammer in peace for 6 weeks? 🙄

Sounds like a waste of space to me. YABU to admire this prick - why on earth do you?

edited for typo

I took it from your post that he couldn't manage at home by himself anyway and would need help, so I don't understand his objection and it sounded like you would need to be at home (more) anyway, even without your own work issues going on.

Thanks everyone.

I've had a chat with DH. He's a bit disappointed that he won't have lots of time at home alone as, apparently, he never gets this and was looking forward to it. He said he knows this is selfish and it's much more important that I look after myself and get what I need.

He can't unsay it, unfortunately. Now any time off work will feel like an imposition and an inconvenience, rather than much needed rest and recuperation.

You wouldn’t feel the same way if the roles were reversed? I would.

Of course, he is. Childbirth is about the nearest experience a woman can have to get an idea of what a manflue feels like.

We live in a small house, with two teenagers so I can understand his desire for some time at home alone. My DH works irregular hours and I confess that if I come home early and find the house empty it feels like a real treat. If I shout hello and DH replies, I’m a teeny bit disappointed. Because he’d be home at some point anyway and it’ll be nice to see him then - but him being home means I don’t get that lovely time alone in the house.

but I think in your situation you should ideally be pulling together and taking care of each other. My DH is in a similar situation as you re work and tbh I kind if dread when he starts taking about it as it never ends. I would love for him to talk to a professional as well as me.

Will anything change at your work while you are signed off?

They might realise the extent of the problem, or accept that they finally have to do something about it. Or they might not.

I don't think time off sick for.poor mental health thabks to work induced chronic stress can only be taken when the problem will solve itself. Sick leave isn't a solution, it's leave because I am not well enough to be at work.

So you would rather he lie to you?

I can see where he is coming from with wanting a bit of alone time, it’s not wrong to want a bit of that, especially if you never get it normally, a lot of posters on here have said the same thing too.

dont punish him for being honest, he recognises it is also self serving to think that way, that’s why it was a fleeting look rather than him actually saying anything about it, he’s allowed to have feelings about things, he wasn’t trying to stop you having the time off.

He's got no more right to be home alone on sick leave than you. Mental and physical health are both equal. So get yourself signed off and be at home . Don't hide away from dh. Do what needs to be done to get yourself better. If he doesn't like it
.. he can go out for the day

OP, this is all just bad timing. You could just as easily say that your DH’s injury/surgery/recovery are a horrible imposition and inconvenience because they came at a time when you were already struggling and needed him to be at full speed helping you more not less. But he didn’t pick a time to get hurt any more than you picked a time to need to go off sick. It would undoubtedly be infinitely easier on both of you if these two crises had come at separate times and perhaps you had some thoughts of “why now of all times?” that were entirely understandable but not directed at him. They didn’t come at separate times though, and that’s an unfortunate reality but no one’s fault. It’s lousy timing and it’s ok for both of you to acknowledge that.

If he feels that why don’t you arrange to go on a 2 week holiday with friends/family and leave him at home