DH doesn't want me sick and at home

[Burntoutandsevered]

I've not gone into huge detail about my work issue, as this thread is really about my DH.

I work in a senior position in a stressful job. We support very vulnerable people in very serious situations. We've had some difficult operational and staffing issues that have seriously impacted our delivery and reputation. I have flagged these and asked my board repeatedly for help and support. I've repeatedly been told "It's fine". It's not.

This situation has been seriously impacting my mental health for the last 6 months. It's been building and coming to a head over that time. Its reached crisis point. Last week I prepared to meet my line manager (board chair) and lay out, again, the impact this is having on me. I'm not sleeping, I'm anxious, overwhelmed, tearful, snappy, cant eat, starting to struggle to function day to day in the office and at home. I've had in my head that I would do this and, if nothing changes, I'll have no choice but to put myself first, see my doctor and take some time away until I start to feel better able to deal with things. Or leave. My boss wasn't available so it got postponed.

Last week, my DH had an accident at work and injured himself. Not life threatening, but surgery and a long recovery period. I was very worried about him when he was in theatre and want to help take care of him. He's signed off for 6 weeks. He needs a lot of help to do things around the house. He's very limited in what he can do to practically care for our 9 Yr old (can't drive/do school runs, wash, do a lot if basic household tasks). His injury inevitably means more heavy lifting at home for me. He's been very stoic and level headed, as is his way. I admire him for that.

I was talking about work again tonight and got upset. He knows how hard it's been and is broadly supportive, but also doesn't really get it because his job is very very different. I told him I'd been holding out for this meeting with my boss, and that I was worried my mental health was taking a nose dive and that I'd end up needing some time off. He looked visibly deflated. I said "Are you disappointed that, if I need some time off, I'll be encroaching on your time at home?" He said "Only a bit".

Now I feel like if my mental health is poor I can't be off, because he won't want me around at home. I've considered getting signed off for a couple of weeks and just not telling him, getting out of the house every day but not going to work. And I realise how bonkers that is.

I'm in a bit of a mental fug, not thinking very clearly. I feel like I need to just trudge on until I implode. What else can I do?

Maybe because she’s not a vindictive bitch who needs to punish her loved ones for not being perfect all the time?

You’re sounding like a bit of a martyr now.

He is allowed to want time alone. He seems reasonable and hasn’t actually had a go at you. This is all being built up in your head a an imposition etc.

You clearly have some problems to work through, with work and maybe your relationship. Thoughts are not always reality. Please do get the time off and get some therapy to start healing yourself.

He has SAID he was looking forward to time on his own. It doesn’t have to be when he’s convalescing and leaving himself and his child to rot bc he can’t be looked after!

There are MANY weeks in the year to choose from - look it up if you’re capable of doing that, you might learn something new

I'd take from this that you're able to have open and honest conversations and that's a good thing that bodes well for being able to get through this okay, rather than this:

Now any time off work will feel like an imposition and an inconvenience, rather than much needed rest and recuperation.

Which sounds like a symptom of your current stress and a bit catastrophising. Rather than predicting the very worst, see if you can take him at his word that your recovery is much more important than his fleeting selfish reaction, take the time off and take each day as it comes. When you're out of the eye of the storm, you won't be feeling so sensitive and despairing and will get your R&R.

And again - his time off is just as much of an inconvenience and imposition on you, but you know he needs it too. Try not to go to extremes when the reality is that you're both in need of time at home and it will balance out between you.

@Notsosure1 He’s seriously injured and was looking forward to a few hours of daytime TV watching and napping in an empty house while everyone else goes about their day as a silver lining to something awful that happened, not for his spouse to clear off for two whole weeks and use up half her annual leave and the family holiday budget without him. Those are not on the same level in any way shape or form. Taking things to intentionally overblown extremes like that is an attempt to punish and emotionally manipulate.

He’s being reasonable and has been honest. Please stop being angry at him, it’s misplaced.

I think with your mental health you are over thinking his reaction.

Go see your GP and get signed off with work related stress affecting mental health and take some time for yourself

Sorry but I do agree with this if this is how things are at home?
Have a friend in similar stressful work situation, and all she will ever talk about is work, how stressful it is, how awful colleague s and management are. If he's hurt and not feeling totally himself, his capacity for providing constant sounding board may not be his usual level?

Don’t do that. This is a very very typical poor MH reaction to someone else having feelings. It’s completely out of order for you to ascribe that to him. Why should he have to unsay something?? The fact you’ve taken a small facial expression and a couple of words he’s said and massively blown it up to an unforgettable, unrecoverable situation which will destroy your chances of recuperation is a reflection of YOUR poor MH and not his behaviour. Been there on the receiving end and I have learnt absolutely NOT to tolerate a word of it and I give DH very short shrift if he tries it. Your DH is a real human being with his own feelings and he does not just function as your support object.

This is also why people with engrained poor MH can become very socially isolated, because they can become very self obsessed and people start to damp down their own natural feelings and personalities around them and it makes friendships and relationships difficult to function normally within. Recognise this might be happening now and take urgent steps. Counselling is a must-do, and there they will help you to recognise your thoughts are not always facts.

I have to say I really do agree with this.

People close to me whom I have encountered that have poor MH can become quite destructive. It’s frustrating to watch and unfair to be on the receiving end of it.

Sorry he wasn't more supportive. Focus on you and get signed off, then talk to him about how you will both use this time at home to recover.

Maybe he's feeling a bit fragile himself, and is worried you'll want to lean on him emotionally while he's trying to come to terms with his own health problems? Or he wants space to be as independent as possible and doesn't want to be helped too much?

Try to agree which parts of the day you'll be in the same room, and which hours one of you can rest in the bedroom/lounge/garden etc to give each other space and privacy? Sort of like a rota. Everyone likes time at home alone, unobserved and uninterrupted. How big is your home? Can one of you plan to go out some days? Eg could you use the time to go for out for walks and see friends as part of your recovery?

To add to this, it’s not like I am stranger to MH struggles having experienced them myself in the past. But I try very very hard not to put those feelings on others. Talk about them, sure - not constantly but as when I really need to. And I don’t seek reassurance for feelings of insecurity and tend to just try and sit with them until I am feeling better and out of the other side - which in some cases will take nothing more than a brisk walk in the fresh air!
The key is learning to recognise when you’re being irrational

Firstly It's a really good first step you had the chat with him and told him how his comment made you feel and both were able to discuss it.

I was thinking about your phrase
"Now any time off work will feel like an imposition and an inconvenience, rather than much needed rest and recuperation."

It's only going to be like that if you make it like that in your head.

He was honest, he's having a shit time and perhaps it didn't come out great but he at least told you how he felt, which means that you know what the issue is.

The answer is staring you in the face.

Take the time off before you collapse, your health is important.
Plan what you want to do and what will be relaxing for you,
but then after that bear in mind that he also wants a bit of quiet time and space and make sure you allow that too happen. Tell him, so he's not worrying about it too.

It might be that he's not in the most positive state of mind at the moment and he's thinking of the downside. But it might actually be really nice for you to have some quiet time together, as long as its not too much in each other's faces.

Is there a corner of the home you can colonise, where you can read, listen to podcasts etc? Unlike him, you are not recovering from a physical injury so you can take yourself out for long walks, visit interesting places etc. and thereby do both of you good. I hope you resolve it, best of luck.

You’re both getting what you need: time off work to heal. He sounds disappointed it won’t all be the way he envisioned; you sound resentful of that disappointment. Both the disappointment and the resentment are choices you’re making. Just make better choices. Many couples would delight in two weeks at home with children at school.

Now any time off work will feel like an imposition and an inconvenience, rather than much needed rest and recuperation

He's allowed to want time alone! Maybe he just wants to be left in peace while he struggles with the pain and trauma of surgery.

Now you seem to want him to feel guilty for tipping your work stress into burnout, and for him to play caregiver to you.

I wonder if he thinks you're choosing to get signed off right now rather than before or in a few weeks, whereas he had no choice, his physical illness was serious, sudden and he expected plenty of alone time to get well? He had no choice about the timing, but you could have been signed off and feeling better long before now, not sync with his unplanned illness.

Are you expecting a lot of caring behaviour from him? Not in a physical way but attentive listening, talking through your troubles, advising you? Is he able to play that nurturing role right now? I appreciate you've been caring for him, worrying over him, doing a lot for him. Maybe he's worried you think it is now his turn, yet he's stuck in bed, in pain and likely low on patience and empathy?

I can see it from both sides, but I do think you're being a bit inconsiderate to suddenly tell him you're too burnt out to work and plan to get signed off sick, therefore will be home all day with him, leaning on him for emotional support.

I suggest getting a therapist and avoid burdening him with your work problems just now, while he's ill. Structure your time off so you're out and about, exercising, seeing friends, doing things that help your mental health, rather than recuperating at home all day. He's stuck there. It's horrible being physically stuck in bed, no control over your environment, no privacy.

If I'd just had major surgery, the last thing I'd want is DH deciding he needs sick leave too, at exactly the same time. Especially if the work stress is chronic, i'd feel (unfairly of me I know) like he was competing with my illness. Or trying to minimise my illness by burning out just when I needed to focus on getting myself better. I'm not saying you're doing this, but it may look like this from his POV.

Be kind to each other. Look after your mental health, but don't expect much compassion or sympathy from him until he's found his feet again and has the pain under control.

You don’t sound very well. Don’t wait til you’re completely burnt out to take the next step. Please look after yourself

Thanks. Lots of the posts here have been very helpful, particularly the ones sounding the alarm about chronic poor mental health making people/partners a bit swlf indulgent and introspective. I realise I'm lacking a bit of perspective, which is symptomatic of stress, but I can do my best to reframe.

DH has been great. To be clear he's not in bed in agony. He is unable to use one arm and in a bit of pain, and is pottering about at home, walking the dog (now he's figured out how to get his boots on) and reading in the hammock in the garden (not sure I'd attempt a hammock with one arm in a sling but there you go).

I had some annual leave booked over the Easter hols anyway, which would mean us both being home together, or DH being home with DS , so a full 6 weeks off on his own was never going to happen. If I do need time off (and I think I do but I'm trying to get my work ducks in a row atm) we'll be able to happily co exist without being in each others pockets. I'd actually like some time on my own too, and certainly won't be licking my wounds, and relying on DH for heavy duty emotional support. This work period has nearly beaten me but I am quite resilient most of the time and usually have a bit of self awareness. When those things start to disappear, I know I'm in trouble.

That sounds like you've got a handle on it OP.

I think at the end of the day, his comment was just expressing an off the cuff preference.. and as you say both of you would like some quiet alone time at various points..
But a vague preference doesn't affect that fact that if its necessary, its necessary.

And its actually good that he raised this preference so that you can both take it into account, which it sounds like you have and in fact you also would like some time to yourself at times.
So I don't think you need to be downhearted about the comment, its just that.. a comment in a rolling discussion about how you are going to plan this.

You both sound like you will be able to work this out so that its agreeable for both of you. Best of luck.

Well done for re-framing OP. Sounds like you've done some self-reflection, which is so important especially when we're stressed or dealing with chronically poor mental health. Do reach out and take the support you need. Take responsibility for improving your own mental health, as poor mental health long term can drive even the most patient and loving partner away.

I suggest facing your work problems head on until you find a solution, rather than taking sick leave and ruminating on it all. Reduce your hours, change your role, speak to managers, tell them how burntout you are. Most employers will bend over backwards to support you/adapt things... if it prevents someone taking sick leave. By getting signed off you don't address the problems and have to return to work, face the hostility of colleagues who had to cover your workload, veiled irritation of managers etc. My colleague used to have counselling sessions funded by our employer, when her anxiety disorder got worse she was allowed to work from home, or go non clinical for a bit. We all respected her for being so honest with us, asking for help and being dilligent, rather than taking a month of paid sick leave like others did.

Your DH sounds like he needs some space and time alone to get used to being functional with one arm. Maybe his dignity/pride is a bit shaky. He's been through a big shock that was unexpected, so I would try not to compare your hard time to his. No doubt the physical trauma has affected his mental health too. Try to focus on him, how you can handle the situation in a caring, sensitive way (as you're now doing). If you do need to be signed off, use the time proactively to improve your mental health. Accept that DH needs to focus on himself right now and navigate the world using one arm. Part of that is not taking things personally and making everything about you..eg he wanted time alone and was a bit disappointed when you planned to join him. It wasn't a nasty comment or worthy of a tailspin. We all handle stress in different ways. Be kind to yourself and him, so you can work together as a team in school holidays. Cut him slack. The storm will pass!

I bloody love my DH and we already spent a lot of time together as he worked from home but when he retired it took a fair bit of adjusting.

He's allowed to want the house to himself.

But you're also allowed to sign yourself off sick and stay at home too.

Good advice from pp.