Anonymous noise complaint about my baby playing

[StressedOutMama15]

Hello!

I’m a new mum to a gorgeous 10 month old, happy, baby. She has just started making excited squeal sounds when she plays or if she wants my attention if I’m cracking on with chores and she’s playing independently. I always respond to her and distract her with a different toy and when I’m out and about and she makes these screaming sounds I always apologise to everyone around.

This evening when my partner came home, he found a letter in the hallway (from an anonymously neighbour) complaining about the noise my baby makes when she’s playing and claiming they “cant take much more”. This is the first complaint from any neighbour we’ve had. Our neighbours are generally quite friendly so this shocked and upset me as you can imagine.

Our DD sleeps from around 8pm until 9am solid and we spend most days out with friends or at my mums. I’m very upset by this letter and I feel like I’m now walking on egg shells in my own home! I live in a small terraced house on a busy main road so there’s usually a lot of noise anyway, I didn’t realise her shrieks were that disruptive.

Am I being the a$$hole..? Any advice on how to limit a baby scream when she’s excited? I feel bad telling her to “shhh” when she’s just trying to talk and doesn’t know how else to!

MNHQ removed photograph of note at request of OP as it was potentially highly identifying

Neighbour sounds desperate, I wonder if another child nearby is shrieking between those hours, but they've seen your baby shriek a bit when out, seen you apologise and assumed it's yours?

How awful for you. But if your DD is definitely asleep between the hours you state, I'd listen out for another child screeching. Maybe in a garden (sadly some people do let them screech on the trampoline all hours and an older child or toddler can screech and scream with ear-splitting frequency and volume, so it's quite possible sound is carrying and they actually can't pinpoint the source. Or they can hear it through a party-wall a few houses up but think it's from your house, as they've seen yours shriek recently. Some people seem to forget all don't realise almost ALL babies go through the screeching phase.

Both of mine got a bit screechy when they first discovered they could do it, son used to do it in the pram mostly, which makes people jump then give you a dirty look. I used to say a firm 'no' then ignore him and the chaos he'd caused, as apologising only feeds into their excitement. He used to do it to unsuspecting prey in Waitrose, a man dropped a jar of jam once 😬

Indoors at home I'm firmer about no screeching/screaming, or they start to use it as a quick way to get your attention. And if you have thin walls, screeching will penetrate and can really upset people, especially if it's loud or prolonged or every day. It's great she sleeps well, but I wonder if the letter writer is a shift worker trying to sleep daytimes, or a mum trying to settle a baby for naps, or an older person who is ill/frightened by the noise?

Are you brave enough to go to your neighbours and ask (in a non-confrontational way) if anyone has any idea who wrote it? Someone may recognise the writing. It's possible the writer is a chronic complainer who writes letters to everyone over kids playing/dogs barking/cats fighting and they may know how to deal with her! Or you may meet other mums the letter might be aimed at, or who recieved a similar one!

Try not to worry, hurtful as it is. You know your child cannot be causing (all) the noise the letter complains of. Screeching phases pass quickly if you ignore screeching as a way to communicate and don't accidentally reward with attention. Maybe give her some noisy toys to play with or a baby keyboard and see if you get a music complaint instead!

There maybe a way you can appease your neighbour whilst not walking on egg shells. I have found pictures on the wall, carpet and curtains absorb a lot of sound, you can even buy sound absorbing wall art/ panels.

How echoey is your house? Can you add more soft furnishings to absorb sound?

Telling you neighbours that your sorry and you have added acoustic panels to your walls to help with the noise might be enough to appease them for now.

It just doesn't tie up does it?

Your 10mth child sleeps 13hrs a night so is only awake 11 hours each day, (as lot of which you are out for) yet the letter claims 14.5 hours of shireking a day.

What are they referring too?!

That's what I would do! Your baby is finding their voice and of course you shouldn't shush them! They are 10m old!

That note looks like the handwriting of a psychopath.

We are experiencing this kind of noise but it’s a 4/5 year old instead so they don’t always seem to grow out of it! Yes, it drives you insane when it goes on all day. Can’t wait for the warmer weather when the windows are open and he’s playing outside…..!

I would have ignored it as it is anonymous. If someone cannot be bothered to knock on the door and talk to you about it, they don't deserve to be responded to.

How you respond is your choice of course.

That is an awful letter - not even signed! What a coward. Ignore.

Does this being 'mindfulness and having empathy' go both ways?I quite often see that on mn it doesn't and its the type of thing said by someone who only sees their needs and expects everyone else to follow their demands! I honestly hope @StressedOutMama15 you dont stop playing with your baby due to the selfish demands of this batshit person!!

So we went away with a group of friends, all with children. We couldn’t believe how noisy our friends were early in morning and at night putting the kids to bed! Loud voices, encouraging children to shriek by tickling them and so on. We of course play with our children but in this case if they were up early we’d use quiet voices (and hope they copy us) and go read a book or something to try and give the rest of the house a chance to wake up. Thinking about it, we are the same at home as also in a small terrace. “Let’s play quietly / read a book until our neighbours wake up” etc. So rather than walking on eggshells maybe just consider if you are being quite noisy early in the morning (especially on weekends) and is there anything you can do to adjust your routine?

Just to clarify, not to shush them but not to wind them up early in the morning and instead snuggle up with some books or something. This usually worked with my kids. I think the only reasonable bit of the note is if you are doing loud play early in the morning.

Re. the note, I would just ignore it. If they are cowardly enough not to sign their name, then they’re not expecting any response surely.

I was the mum of a baby who screamed at the top of her lungs pretty much round the clock. Medically there was nothing wrong with her (I had her checked) but every time she didn’t get her way (ie being held/breastfed) she would scream. Once she screamed for an entire 40 minute car journey, at the top of her lungs. Strangers would approach me in street to tell me they’ve never seen her smile, and why is she always screaming. My next door neighbour moved. I sent cards and chocolates, I’d apologise profusely for the noise. I had a toddler so I couldn’t always give in to the baby. She was exhausting, to the point I’d sometimes look myself away crying because I couldn’t take it anymore. I had very little help from my husband, he couldn’t stand the situation and chose to work overtime wherever possible to get away.
I am sharing this to say that I understand sometimes noise cannot be helped.

However. I am also able to empathise with your neighbour. Whether they exaggerated slightly in their letter or not, whether they could have handled it better. It still comes from a place of frustration. They want to be able to enjoy their home. So I would handle it how I did back in the day with my child - I would buy cards and chocolates for my immediate neighbours, I would write them a note (not mentioning this anonymous letter), simply saying you are sorry for the baby noise and you are working on teaching your child to verbalise differently and hopefully this is just a phase until she finds her words. You appreciate their patience. And then I’d shake this off, and try to encourage your child when she’s not making these noises. Stepping away when she shrieks and coming back when she’s done. It isn’t easy OP, I’ve been there. It wasn’t fun for my neighbour either, I felt absolutely awful when she said she was selling because of my child. But I knew I was trying my absolute best to stop my baby and that’s all I could ever do.
Good luck.

I wouldn't be so sure it's an immediate neighbour. I used to live in a terrace and could hear noise from the next door but one neighbours. Terrace houses are dreadful for noise.

However, the note is completely ridiculous. Kids make noise and if the complaint was ever escalated to the council then nothing would ever come if it as children playing is not considered a noise nuisance. I would find out who complained and explain that whilst your baby does shriek, it is not before 8am or after 8pm and that you are out most days so not even in the house. I'm guessing your neighbours have massively exaggerated and just had a bad day which led them to writing such a ridiculous note.

I wonder if we’re all misinterpreting their use of wild and they mean feral rather than crazy? My granny used to sometimes say “that child is like a wild animal” about me when I was little!!

In your shoes, I’d send a copy of the letter and highlight the inconsistencies with a friendly offer a chat. I doubt they’ll want to actually discuss their issues so you’ll at least look like the bigger person to your other neighbours.

I have an 8m old and if you listened from outside my house you’d think I was trying to murder him multiple times a day. I’m actually trying to put him down to play but he’s in a super clingy stage. Sometimes it’s his teeth. Sometimes I let him cry for a minute so I can drink some water or go to the toilet. It’s perfectly normal and you shouldn’t feel the need to “nip it in the bud” quickly! Sound will get worse as they start crawling. Squealing is a milestone and so lovely.

Crack on OP and stop worrying about others if this is the true account of everything!

I do sympathise, living in a terrace, my neighbour’s neighbour once said how lovely it is to hear my boys playing 😬🤣 like I said in my post above, I try and keep them quiet in the mornings as I think it’s nice for them to learn to think of others… but clearly people still hear! Luckily they are nice about it

I often see responses on here that make me wonder "where did you get that from" and re-read the OP to find that I either missed that bit of information, or the other poster has misread something....

But the first few comments talk about the baby shrieking at times that are not mentioned in the OP? And then someone comments on the handwriting in the letter? Am I getting some alternative version of the OP to everyone else?

Am I losing my mind?

I’d definitely photocopy, write my own reply and photocopy that, add some earplugs and post letters & earplugs through surrounding doors. My reply would include:

• my baby is asleep between the hours of ___ (include naptimes)
• most days we are out of the house between the hours of ____
• you (neighbour) have chosen to live in a terrace house - we can hear you chopping your food, using the stairs. Look into sound proofing if it’s bothering you (or, hopefully, move 🤐)
• I am not encouraging shrieking - perhaps you are hearing somebody else’s baby as it certainly isn’t mine shrieking constantly
• by posting anonymously you have come across as antagonistic rather than reasonable (ok maybe not that as you don’t want to get into personal insults. But I would be verrrrry tempted)

Definitely post to other neighbours, as they’ll have ideas who sent the initial letter and they’ll be on your side. Thus, anonymous person will no longer be quite so anonymous.

Yes - there was a photo attached. It says in the OP that MN have removed the photo as too identifying.

I can well believe it. I bought a house off a couple with a young baby. The adjoined neighbour took great delight in telling me they popped open the champagne when they left because of the noise the children made. He also told me he used to bang on the wall shouting 'shut the fuck up' like his was proud of it. Pompous wanker.

Me too. Honestly how do they expect you to make a baby be quiet?

I wouldn’t include what hours people aren’t in the house, but then I was burgled by my next door neighbour, in a supposedly nice area.

As for people saying they grow out of it, most have to be taught not to shriek. Start early with a sharp 'no' then ignore her. Don't apologise to anyone, they know you have to ignore shrieking at times, especially in babies doing it for attention.

If she does it in the garden, bring her straight in each time.

Playful screeching in babies or tiny toddlers quickly gets infuriating, so I strongly suspect the noise is from 2 or more nearby kids, not just yours. Try listening out when yours is quiet.

Ha! This letter and some of the comments on this thread are proof, if proof were needed, that the British really do hate children. I lived in Italy below an elderly couple and their toddler grandson, who really was shrieking at 10:30pm. So what? I got some earplugs and that was the problem solved. Someone who doesn’t have the stones to come round and speak to you, or even put their name to the letter, is best ignored. Or, as a sensible PP has said, write a (signed) polite letter to all your neighbours stating that since your baby is asleep and you are in fact working or out of the house during the times stated, you suggest they have the wrong house.

A woman in my block complained to me about the noise when my first child was two days old and just back from the hospital. Genuinely hadn’t been in the world more than 48 hours before someone considered him a “problem”.

If anyone knew how to stop a baby/toddler squealing in excitement, they’d be a millionaire.

I suspect one consequence of sending the suggested letter out to four or so near neighbours is affirmation and support from some of the others.

Go about your business as normal and ignore them. You are allowed to enjoy your home. Your child is 10 months old they aren't making noise to he obnoxious. What exactly do they want you to do about it? It's not like you can gag the child. Stupid people. If the complain to the council the council won't entertain a complaint about children's noise.