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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancés ex wife

60 replies

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 11:45

My fiancé is still very close to his ex wife, they have 2 grown up sons & I have my own so we are like a modern family. He deletes all messages from his ex wife & regularly I find snippets of information that he is still supporting her & acting in the husband support role. She has never met anyone else & is unlikely to, so I feel like she is forever going to be like a spare wheel?

OP posts:
loropianalover · 02/04/2025 11:48

It’s more likely you’ll end up being made feel like the spare wheel.

He deletes/hides his communication with her, is supporting her in - I assume - financial ways, and still acts like a husband towards her. Why would you want to join in as 2nd wife?

Mnetcurious · 02/04/2025 11:49

I’d want to know why he deletes messages if he considers everything that happens between them (financial, emotional and whatever else) to be reasonable in the context of him being engaged to someone new.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 02/04/2025 11:49

That's what I thought too, it's OP who's the spare wheel.
If you choose to marry him you'll be going into it knowing he has this close relationship with his previous wife, and it sounds like he's hiding it from you.

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 02/04/2025 11:50

Why would you marry him?

SkaneTos · 02/04/2025 11:53

Why is she unlikely to meet someone else?

ItGhoul · 02/04/2025 11:58

he is still supporting her & acting in the husband support role

Can you give some examples of what you mean?

ItGhoul · 02/04/2025 12:00

Mnetcurious · 02/04/2025 11:49

I’d want to know why he deletes messages if he considers everything that happens between them (financial, emotional and whatever else) to be reasonable in the context of him being engaged to someone new.

It depends if she's the only person whose messages he deletes. If he's someone who just deletes most of his messages from everyone as a matter of course, it's not an issue, but if he keeps messages except hers, obviously that's different.

NoButterBastardGails · 02/04/2025 12:03

so I feel like she is forever going to be like a spare wheel?

A spare wheel or a threat to how secure you're able to feel with him?

Turtlepineapple · 02/04/2025 12:04

I think YABU for staying with someone who deletes messages with their ex wife and knows he acts like the husband role and still supports her?

What on earth are you doing…..

Soonenough · 02/04/2025 12:06

Supporting her financially or emotionally? Maybe he deletes if she discusses medical problems . Does he help her with chores or just admin ? Either way he has asked you to marry him not get back with her . Maybe ask him to pull back a bit on always being available to her.

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 12:08

How long have you been with this man and what evidence do you have that they are really over? Does the ex wife know about you? How long have you been together/they been apart?

You clearly aren’t working as a team with your partner. I would rethink the entire relationship if he can’t be upfront about the extent of his relationship ship with XW and level of intimacy they are sharing in secret.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/04/2025 13:00

Have you met her?

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2025 13:03

Is he giving her money?

outerspacepotato · 02/04/2025 13:09

If he's still acting as his ex wife's husband and supporting her, that makes you the other woman. Are you okay with that? Are you sure he's divorced?

You aren't close to the top of his priorities. Why would you want to marry someone who won't make you a priority?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2025 13:11

I’d have dealt with that before agreeing to marry him.

Rewis · 02/04/2025 13:12

Does he delete all messages or just the messages from his ex wife?

Original poster
Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:22

SkaneTos · 02/04/2025 11:53

Why is she unlikely to meet someone else?

She has been on her own for the past 8 years, has been unsuccessful on dating sites early on & now given up. She is 53 yrs old & spends her spare time with her elderly parents. States she has no desire to meet anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:25

ItGhoul · 02/04/2025 11:58

he is still supporting her & acting in the husband support role

Can you give some examples of what you mean?

He still goes to do ‘jobs’ at her house, he is the first person she calls for any help with sorting any issues with holidays/car etc. It’s fine obviously if it’s anything related to the boys but I’m convinced he is the first person she contacts for anything as if she was still his wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:29

I have been with him for 9 years, she does know about me & we are civil when in the same room. She has been bitter & nasty in the past, he met me after his marriage was over. I am more than happy to be friendly & get along, I just don’t like it when things are not transparent & honest as there is no need to hide anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:33

NoButterBastardGails · 02/04/2025 12:03

so I feel like she is forever going to be like a spare wheel?

A spare wheel or a threat to how secure you're able to feel with him?

When she was married to him she didn’t have to ‘share’ him with anyone else…..she is more than supported financially as he paid her mortgage off & pays all her bills etc.
I am an open/honest person & have no issue discussing any interactions with my ex husband & I certainly don’t delete txt messages. I just want to feel there are no secrets as that feels like betrayal if he cannot be honest & open.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 15:35

9 years..? How long have you been engaged? I would be cautious. 9 years without marrying you and still running to every whim of the ex wife. Was it a proposal to keep you happy with no actual plans to marry you?

Are you quite sure he hadn’t still been (even occasionally) sleeping with X wife? Deleting the messages if they are just about “jobs” and mutual adult children is highly suspicious. There is no reason to delete them.

Maybe she is so happy not to “move on” because she knows she still has power over him, and can have her “needs” met when she wants.

Do you have a way of viewing deleted messages? Ie can his phone sync with cloud on another device, or can you recover deleted messages? Something is being said he doesn’t want you seeing.

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 15:36

Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:33

When she was married to him she didn’t have to ‘share’ him with anyone else…..she is more than supported financially as he paid her mortgage off & pays all her bills etc.
I am an open/honest person & have no issue discussing any interactions with my ex husband & I certainly don’t delete txt messages. I just want to feel there are no secrets as that feels like betrayal if he cannot be honest & open.

Show quote history

I think he’s making an absolute mug of you tbh. Pays all her bills!?

yeesh · 02/04/2025 15:38

He pays her bills? You are a mug if so

MeganM3 · 02/04/2025 15:40

How long ago did they separate?
If you came along while they were still technically married, or very soon after separation then it might be that he feels some guilt.

Original poster
Chillednursey · 02/04/2025 15:57

MeganM3 · 02/04/2025 15:40

How long ago did they separate?
If you came along while they were still technically married, or very soon after separation then it might be that he feels some guilt.

I came along quite soon after they separated (for the 2nd time) their marriage was over before I arrived on the scene. He has to pay the mortgage off & bills until youngest is 18yrs old as part of the divorce settlement. I think he feels guilty that she is on her own. He couldn’t stand to be with her as in his words she was really boring & he was not sure why he married her in the first place. He didn’t think he would find anyone else & so he married the first serious girlfriend, he says now that he wishes he had met me before & had children with me instead but we don’t get a second chance at life do we. I don’t regret my first marriage & was glad I had the time that I did.

OP posts: