Fiancés ex wife

[Chillednursey]

My fiancé is still very close to his ex wife, they have 2 grown up sons & I have my own so we are like a modern family. He deletes all messages from his ex wife & regularly I find snippets of information that he is still supporting her & acting in the husband support role. She has never met anyone else & is unlikely to, so I feel like she is forever going to be like a spare wheel?

It is his behaviour that is making you feel insecure @Chillednursey . Listen to your doubts, they're trying to protect you.

My first time in here so I’m not so savvy with the lingo/abbreviations yet or how to navigate this on an iPhone 🙄

To keep it simple, everyone here is trying to support you. He is being sneaky and dishonest and it is not okay. Trust your gut.

Have you actually told him how you feel? Can you say, It’s about time he/she moved on and stopped acting like a couple or secretively.

Are you sure it was part of the financial settlement that he would pay all the bills? that’s unusual after all this time. What about fixing her car? Surely that’s her responsibility now. You have been a couple with him for a long time and it sounds odd.

How do you know he is deleting his messages?

I don't know of anyone who pays their ex's bills after 9 years, however old the children are- it's ridiculous. I wonder if she is wary of you, maybe worried you'll call her out on draining his finances. They should have had a clean break by now and if the children are under 18, he would only need to pay the minimum child support. She is sponging off him and you wonder what she'll try and get once the children are older. Of course if they go to uni they'll need financial support but it should be split equally (I do this). Do you know the situation with his pension? I think she's keeping him close for a reason.

Paying her bills? supporting her? No way would I put up with this. When I first met my now ex, he had an ex like this. She kept phoning him up with ridiculous demands, or to discuss their child (who was 36!!!) Naaaah, not happening to someone who wants to be my partner. His behaviour suggests loose boundaries. If he is unboundaried with his ex, what else will he be unboundaried about? It's a red flag.

Similar set up to someone I know. The dp never emotionally left the marriage. The ex dw had total control and only needed to snap her fingers for him to come running. Bizarre. Don't carry on. It won't change. And yes you will always be the 3rd wheel. You deserve better

Btw, I have a friend who was exactly like your fiancé- paid her more than he needed to etc... they didn't actually get divorced. Now, about 10 years down the line, he's asked for a divorce as has met someone serious... and his ex is now screwing him over for his pension to date- which she can do as they didn't have a financial settlement.

Are you 100% sure he has to pay her mortgage and bills? Obviously he has to support the kids but she should be supporting herself.

Ask to see the divorce settlement. If you're going to marry him this stuff directly affects you.

Would his contribution not go down in any case when he remarries?

Are you sure they are actually divorced btw?

Never seen a court order say you need to pay the bills

Anyway - this situation clearly makes you feel uncomfortable- tell him that you want to see him make you the priority?

He might tell you she means nothing to him but his actions show otherwise!

Anyway it’s ok to be a caring good man I suppose

How old are the children in this situation? They can’t be that young given the ages you’ve stated..

Because they pop up on his screen (not the actual message just a notification, if he ever shows me a message (if I have asked what it was or he knows I saw the pop up like when we are in the car) then any previous messages are not here….it’s a new thread whenever he shows me but he gets frequent messages. Some are harmless & about the boys etc….just seems weird to delete them all the time.

The had the one solicitor to oversee the divorce, she trusted him to sort everything as he was in control of all financial stuff when they were married. The DW got the marital home & he got the 4 rental houses they had. We now live in one of the rental houses that we renovated. So now I’m not so sure if they ever did the ‘clean break’ divorce. He does have the divorce absolute & the ex wife had to write a letter to the judge that she was happy with the arrangement they made.

His boys are 19 & 16, very materialistic, arrogant & wannabe Tate brothers. They even shave their heads & do Kickboxing to be like Andrew Tate. The eldest now has his own social media marketing business, bought a Porsche (boxer) & Rolex. He has opened a Dubai bank/business account to avoid tax. They are all very money obsessed & talk about nothing but cars, watches, guns & money! Too much testosterone going around!

Now you have posted that, the situation seems even worse. How often do you see his children? It doesn’t sound like a very nice environment for you. What does he think about his boys behaving like that?

I wouldn’t personally want anything to do with any of them.

You call him your fiance. When are you planning on getting married?

Yes it does doesn’t it, I read it back & it’s absolute facts, I’m not fabricating g any of this. I’ve never vented before & it’s good to get an unbiased view from others.
I think I need to get a solicitor when I get some money together (from the sale of my deceased mums house) as we have separate money/bank accounts. I want to see what would be fair if we were to get married & one of us dies. He wants to leave me 1/10th as advised by his solicitor. If we were to get married I think he would want me to sign a pre nup. His assets are around £2.5million & I only have around £300K. I would be expected to live here & invest/contribute to this house for the next say 20 years & he would want 1/10th if my net worth when he has not lived at my house (my grown up kids live there). It’s all very complicated isn’t it!

Sounds like you’re getting the raw end of the deal regardless. But if he’s still having secret and sneaky communication with his ex wife, whom he runs to the aid of whenever she snaps fingers. His dear children, who are total misogynists, will also always come before you.

Why exactly would you want to marry this man? After 9 years together he hasn’t pulled the trigger, it doesn’t sound like he’s eager to give up anything. Just keeping you on the hook enough to have you around and contributing to his life, which he otherwise lives as he pleases.

I would keep my finances separate and not marry this man at all. I wouldn’t live with him either, not until he made a firm choice that he wanted to be with me. Really be with me, with respect.

I don’t understand why you want to get married? It surely adds even more complications? If you both have your own children it’s much better to keep your finances separate.

You sound really miserable with the whole situation and clearly don’t like his sons. So leave the situation?
Why would you get married under these circumstances. Don’t do it just to try and score a point against ExW / sons. Just get on with your own life and find a situation that would make you happier.

He wants to leave me 1/10th as advised by his solicitor.

That is him telling you quite plainly what he thinks you're worth - a cross between nothing and fuck all. Please be aware that he might sound very believable in what he says to you but he has his own interests at heart in all of this.

@Chillednursey , please please be very careful about taking your relationship any further forward.

There’s nothing personality wise there from him to be a good reason to marry him. A terrible parent who still fancies his exwife. Are you marrying him for his money?

If they had 5 houses and he got 4 of them, then damn right he should, be paying her bills. I don't really understand why you're with this man, he's secretive, selfish and is raising two women hating, misogynistic brats. He's not much of a catch.

I’m currently packing some stuff to go stay with my sister for a few days to have a think what I’m going to do. He is in London for work today so I can get my spare car key/documents while he isn’t here. I feel like he has all the control in this relationship, I am not as financially well off or savvy/astute & will look to get some legal advice so he can’t take my jewellery & car back that were gifts.
thanks for the advice!