Will this be too much after a c section?

[pinkbonbons]

I’m due to have a c section in a few weeks and my family (different part of UK) want to travel to see me after it. The thing is, they’d be expecting me to be up for days out and two boisterous pre teen boys will be there (brothers- who I’m very fond of but they can be very full on). They’d also probably expect us to commute an hour each way to where they’ll be on some of the days. They’re looking at 4-5 weeks post section. AIBU to think that this would be too soon / too much after, especially as I’m going to try and breastfeed? They’re getting offended when I say this and think that I should be able to do some days out by that point (or at least half days or something).

But doesn’t that just go to show the issues around women and childbirth, and the expectations around it?

What other major abdominal surgery would someone have that they would put themselves under so much pressure to “get back to normal”? Why do women feel so much pressure?

I spent years in nursing. This pressure isn’t around any other surgery. You aren’t going to come out of another surgery, get handed a new born baby and be told to get on with it, get back to normal as fast as possible on minimal to no pain relief. It’s ridiculous.

I'd leave it at least six weeks after your caesarian section. However, you may not feel up to it after that, depending on the speed of your recovery and how breast feeding is going and what your mental health is like.

The fact that they are already getting offended is a red flag that they won't respect your boundaries and will behave badly if you don't do what they want. Commuting an hour each way with a tiny baby isn't reasonable either.

Are these people your parents, your siblings or both? What will they do if you tell them that this is far too early for you and your baby? This is additional stress that you don't need. You need to be firm and put your needs and the needs of your baby first, even if they throw their toys out of the pram.

I’ve had two sections and would say no, you definitely won’t be ok to do that (my second went a lot worse than the first and I was in a lot of pain for a long time).

Light exercise and moving around is fine, but lugging a baby and all the trappings for an hour each way, lifting prams etc and being on your feet all day could really compromise your recovery.

Having said that, I do know people who’ve been up and about very quickly, but it depends on so many variables, so it’s much better to wait and see than to assume you’ll be fine and make loads of plans ahead of the procedure.

Your relatives ABVU, and sound like they’re being a bit arseholey about it quite frankly. I’d give a firm no and let them sulk.

I totally agree with other posters - not only is every mother different, but every c section. I've had two. The one when I was nearly ten years younger was a much harder recovery. Bigger scar, PND exacerbated by undiagnosed anaemia and a less happy home life. Not only would I not have managed what you've suggested, but I'd have been anxious and guilt about the run up to it (not normally an anxious person). My second was an absolute breeze. But even saying that, at 4/5 weeks, you need to be able to suit yourself based on how your baby is sleeping/feeding etc. Being able to cancel plans at a moments notice will save you a huge amount of worry.

No, I've had two - emergency and elective and wouldn't have felt up to it either time. Had a decent physical recovery both times (well apart from one corner of the scar with DC2) but that was when the sleep deprivation really started to hit home. I wouldn't drive an hour with my new baby on a few hours broken sleep.

Are they serious? or are they actually deluded? They will be expecting you to commute to where they are staying, with. newborn?

A C Section is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. It cuts through all the layers of your abdomen to get a boby out of the very core of your body.

Tell them to do one. Don't agree to anything, no visitors, no trips, nothing.

It can take up to a year to recover from having a baby, no woman takes that year before getting back into doing all the menial labour associated with a newborn but it doesn't negate the fact it's major abdominal surgery. Plus the fact it will probably take you several weeks just to get to grips with having a newborn, that you won't be interested or able to accomodate day trips.

I'd tell them in no uncertain terms, not to include me in any if their plans, and if I deem I'm able - i may invite them TO COME TO ME, for an hour.

If they get pissy, let them, don't change what you've said. You don't control their emotions, you only control how you react to their emotions.

I don’t think that’s too soon at all, I have had 2
sections, 11 months apart (Irish twins) by that point it was life as normal for me, unless there are complications to me that sounds very doable.

I've had 5 sections. My recoveries have mostly been quick and uncomplicated. I just don't think you can know what your recovery will be like. I definitely wouldn't give anyone assurances or commitments about my involvement in their plans. They can go ahead and plan whatever they want. You do not need to sign in blood!

It’s at least 6 weeks to recover from a section so I’d ask them to come after that at a minimum.

At the moment they are acting like they have the two prodigal sons, but when your baby is born that baby will be your main priority.

It took me an arduous six weeks to fully establish breast feeding. It can take longer for milk to come in after a second. So another reason to put them off until a more reasonable time.

There are time limits for how long a newborn can safely use a car seat (as can affect their temp and breathing) so I’d not be travelling an hour either unless by public transport.

You are just going to have to be really firm with them. The first few weeks is about you, your partner, and baby bonding not anyone else.

You’re worried about it and therefore it is too much. No one knows how they will be after having a baby, by any delivery method. This is your special time to enjoy with your LO as you want to. Committing to something that makes you feel nervous or uncomfortable isn’t going to help that. In the event, you might be absolutely fine but having it hanging over you and worrying about it isn’t going to be helpful for you.

Yes after my c section and PPH the MCAs on the ward were absolutely aghast at my asking if they would help me have a shower. My DH had to, leaving our new baby on his own, while 2 MCAs stood by him... DH was so anxious as I had a big blood loss and was very wobbly.

Normal is the wrong word . I mean "out and about at the level you would want to be".

It would be infinitely more sensible to say no to this. You may well be fine, but there’s every chance you absolutely won’t be, and that’s not something to fuck around with. Pushing yourself too far too fast can end pretty bloody badly, and that’s simply not worth it.. and I say that as someone who has been incredibly lucky in my recovery from both of my csections.

Tell them that you're happy for them to come and visit and meet the baby, and it's great that they have planned some days out in the local area. You may be able to join them depending on how things are going at the time, but since you'll have had major abdominal surgery which can make it difficult to move around for some time afterwards, you can't guarantee anything. If they continue to put pressure on you, suggest that they postpone their visit until the summer.

@CurbsideProphet That’s a whole other issue. My first job was an HCA on maternity wards. I left after seeing how shit women were treated.

The only thing that job, and subsequent nursing positions did was prepare me to be treated like shit on their shoe for when it was my turn to be a patient.

That sounds too soon with a newborn, never mind the c-section. I found c-section recovery easy, but getting out of the house at all is generally hard work for the first six weeks, especially if this is your first. Both my births and newborns were 'easy' but I could not have done days out for the first 6-8 weeks.

You can't really commit to anything like that 4-5 weeks postpartum.

Sounds like hell on earth to me.
You need to prioritise your new wee baby and yourself.
They sound extremely selfish and that in itself would be a worry as to how they will behave with you and your child if this vist goes ahead.

I couldn’t cope with car journeys until about 8 weeks post section and days out until 3 months post section.

It’s outrageous that they are telling you what their expectations are and putting any pressure on you

I would send a clear message that they are welcome to come but you will let them know in a day to day basis if you are up for it or not and do not expect any guilt or pressure

Forget the c-section - that won’t be the inhibiting factor. Your new born will still be all over the place at that age. You don’t need that pressure.
Just ask to delay all the fun until you’re more established with the little one.

It's usually woman dependent. I had an emergency c section and travelled long haul 8 weeks later. I was also quite happy at, for example, a birthday party DS was invited to with baby DD - where DH dropped us off, went to work, and collected us again after and all I had to do was stand/sit around with baby dd and keep a vague eye on DS while chatting to the other parents.

But I did get tired quickly so, for example, feeling strong, my dad took me into our local town with the baby for just some light shopping and to have lunch at about 3 weeks post partum. I felt fine, but I got very tired very quickly and in the end he deposited me and baby in a cafe with a coffee while he zipped off to M&S to buy his socks or whatever it was.

So it really is impossible to say. I think it's fine to tell them you'll do what you can but can't commit at this point.

You really won’t know until it happens.
my advice would not be railroaded in to doing anything that you wouldn’t choose to do. If you wouldn’t choose to drive an hour, don’t. If you wouldn’t choose to walk X miles, don’t. Don’t do anything to please others. You need to be incredibly ‘selfish’ when it comes to recovery because it can have long lasting effects. I still got random pangs of pain 2 years after mine. You really do have to look after it. I would suggest not promising anything, making it incredibly clear you’ll have to wait until the time to let them know, and to start now getting them accepting of the fact that the time spent with you might just look like a couple of hours at your house at a time, and nothing more than that.

Absolutely 100% this. Never mind what anyone says they could do at a few days post op, it’s what is happening inside your body that matters.
The fact remains that physiologically your body has not fully healed for a good three months. The first six weeks should be taken very carefully.
For any other major abdominal surgery - which is what this is- people would be fussing around you making sure you rested. Yet after a baby the pressure is on to get up and get on.
I had an emergency section and although I recovered well superficially, I also made a point of doing it carefully as I didn’t want to risk a ruptured scar, internally or externally, just to keep other people happy or impress them!

It is major abdominal surgery where they cut through 7 layers of your body to get that baby out. They also stitch each layer too when repairing you. One layer is left unstitched as it heals better that way. If this was any other abdominal surgery no one would be expecting you to be up and out gallivanting around.

I'll give you my personal experience of 2 C sections. I lost a lot of blood with the first one so was on iron tablets and felt awful. Ds1 was 5 days old when re-hospitalised with a potential heart condition. We then had consultant appointments, tests, etc. As a new parent trying to establish breastfeeding that made it very hard. Ds2 had latching and feeding problems, jaundiced and then reflux. I had a c section scar infection from that one.

This isn't just about your recovery from surgery, any other surgery you would be resting in bed, or lounging on the sofa. With a c section you have a newborn to look after and a Dp/Dh who will probably be back to work after 2 weeks. You might feel amazing but that wound and those stitched layers are healing.

Tell them to visit later and so what if they are offended? Let them be. Start getting your Dp/Dh to advocate for you now.

Say no.

You don’t have to fit with their plans, it needs to be the other way round.

I didn't have major abdominal surgery but my LO had a bad tongue tie and at 5 weeks I am still having to try and establish feeding. My LO also still has appointments at the hospital and those trips out are enough 😂. I wouldn't be doing sodding day trips.

God knows if I was also recovering from surgery I would not be entertaining ANYONE!