To think there are too many useless men / manchild's!

[ThatFairDeer]

Sorry I just feel the need to vent! But when reading so many OP's posts about their DH's either not bothering with mother's day, getting it woefully wrong or whatever I feel the rage. It's 1 day a year! Every year - it's not something new that has only started this year!! And when the shoe is on the other foot you can be damn well sure that on Father's day there's cards, and gifts and maybe even a nice meal!!

As mother's what are we doing that men are ending up like this!? We need to raise our boys better - so that they become better men!

Am I the asshole thinking that too many men are self entitled assholes who expect to be looked after, lifted and layed with some of them even abusive or violent!

Yanbu

Every other thread is a ltb situation tbh.

Honestly is it any wonder so many divorces happen as women start going through the peri menopause - we have nothing left to give! I think we get to the point where it's just "enough of this BS already"

Yay....it's all women's fault.

The touble is I do think it often is. My boys have been raised to be useful, capable and willing and they are at home with me. Their GFs seem to enjoy babying them and looking after a "useless" man, so they perform to the level expected of them.

Is it really that difficult to see that a man isn’t good husband/father material before you commit? Or is it that too many women prioritise having kids over having them with a decent dad? Why have more kids with a man you already know is useless?

People change. Some blokes will pretend to be capable partners until there are children involved and then revert to being useless. It's not quite as clear cut as don't have kids with wasters

My husband is not my child, mothers day for me is my day to do what I want same as fathers day is for my husband to do what he wants

My husband is a decent man evey day not for one day because of a calendar, neither of us perfect but we are mature grown ups

If someone does not have this the stop being a martyr and don't stay with them

The man bashing on mumsnet is a joke. Maybe people don't post about their decent, loyal, loving husbands.

I spent my 30s with someone who was useless. I split with him because I didn’t want to bring children into a relationship with such a man. I met someone else at 38, after a year he has slowly started to reveal himself to be a bit shitty too, nothing nasty-just lazy. I am now in the unenviable position of deciding whether to have kids with a manchild or starting again and missing my opportunity to ever have children. It’s shit, but that’s my reality.

This. We were equal until dc arrived and then all of a sudden a ton of things were my job which previously had been shared.
Also it became very clear that he wasn’t prepared to make my life any easier, unless there was a direct benefit for him. And that hadn’t shown up before.

Mine was the same. Equal couple, and this continued even past the birth of our first child - because I went back to work. When our second arrived and was 'difficult', it made sense for me to become a SAHM. As soon as I stopped earning - that was it. I turned into his mother in his eyes (his mum never worked once children arrived). My 'job' was the house and children. Which was fine, except that I didn't consider that EVERYTHING was my job, 24/7 and all he was prepared to do was what his dad did, get up and go to work, come home and be 'served' by the little housewife. So he didn't even pick up a hoover or wash any dishes (unless we had company, whereupon he became 'perfect husband', which was how I knew that HE knew he was supposed to do more, and that was the final straw).

Exactly this!! My daughter was amazed when I corrected her recently to tell her that no in fact her father can cook and is actually quite good at it - it was just that after she was born he decided that helping out domestically was all my job - prior to that most things were 50:50 I have no idea what happened in his head to bring that on - then a few years later he stopped working - walked out and never went back - you'd think I'd have a nice clean tidy house and dinner waiting for me when I came home from work - no need to worry about getting the kids picked up from school!! Oh no - just the opposite! I'd get phonecalls from school telling me that he hadn't turned up again!!

In the beginning he was great - wonderful - but after a while his mask slipped and what I saw was not a man I would have married or had children with - but by this point it was too late!

I'm a single parent to 2 boys. School had a mother's day stall and they made cards in class. They also made me breakfast in bed (cereal, milk, squash). They are 4 and 7. They did this themselves and were so excited to do it. I do sometimes wonder if I would have had a worse day if I was reliant on a partner to organise them! I wonder if they will continue to make an effort as they get older - I imagine secondary schools make a lot less effort than primary schools on this front simply because it doesn't fit into a specific subject lesson.

Yes, your partner should make an effort, but if you know that your partner is unlikely to organise anything, don't wait for them to meet your expectations and have a disappointing day. Just say "I want to go out, can you book lunch?" Or "You need to help DC pick out/make a gift so they have something to give to me on Sunday".

So many issues on mumsnet could be avoided by a very quick conversation.

If you have reminded them and they still let you down, then maybe you have bigger issues.

And it's going to get worse as more males live at home for longer so how can you see if he is capable of looking after himself if he has always lived in a building with mummy and daddy.

As a young woman would you take a chance on him?

You shouldn't.

Although they are fairly easy to spot.

Well firstly we need to stop saying shit like "as mothers, what are we doing wrong" because women don't cause men to be useless.

Useless men actively pick partners who let them get away with it. It's targeted behaviour.

They’re easy to spot in your twenties, by time you hit the dating pool in your late 30s and 40s they’ve got pretty good at spinning lines until you’ve wasted more fertile years on them and you get to the point where you might just accept it.

When I met my current BF I was flattered he made the effort to always drive to mine, I now realise that was because he lives like a pig and on the handful of occasions I’d go round to his he would’ve got a cleaner in before hand.

My OH is lovely but reminds me of a sloth. Very easy going and pretty unflappable but he does annoy me sometimes.
We have a little fund where we put £20 an month into an envelope and it pays for a nice weekend away for our anniversary. I have to remind him at the start of every single month to put his money in. Last night I mentioned that he hadn't put anything in for the last couple of months and apparently I should have reminded him. I despair.

Now that I'm single I find that my mental load is actually less! The menopausal rage that my ex was not helping 1 bit is gone! I'm getting a full nights sleep as I don't have a self entitled a$$hole thinking it's fine to wake me to harass me for sex when I have work to get up early for and children to get ready for school whilst he sleeps the day away after being up all night gaming!!

Mine doesn’t want anything on Father’s Day, his birthday, Christmas etc.

He therefore thinks that I don’t too!

It’s an epidemic. I don’t even know if it’s necessarily about raising them a certain way. So many of them just want to do the bare minimum possible and see their wives and girlfriends as bangmaids and therapists.

It’s sad. To those with a good one - hold on to him!

But do your boys just accept it or insist on pulling their weight?

Why is criticising a certain form of behaviour “man bashing”.

I have 2 boys and divorced their dad cos he was useless. And no he wasn’t like that before we had children. I’m working very hard to teach the boys to be equal partners. But it’s going to take some time. I think my generation (I’m 38) were still mostly taught that women did all the childrearing and housework. I remember my English teacher in secondary school saying that “all you girls will probably be housewives like your mothers”.

While some women shut their eyes tightly to red flags or believe marriage / kids will change a man - there are men who play the long game. My friend (now divorced) had a completely balanced and egalitarian household and a relationship where each was constantly making an effort….

till the ring was on her finger and their first son arrived. Then he stopped. During maternity leave she did a lot more of the domestic labour and childcare and he decided he wanted it to remain like that for the future. So she divorced him.

Husband?

Not “ex-husband”?

This.

My husband is a fab partner and my best friend.
There are no issues between us so I don’t need to post about him.

Of course threads here are all written by people with problems/ concerns.