AIBU - Retracted Mothers Day Treat?

[mummytippy]

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

you don’t invite someone if it’s someone else’s treat. Terrible rude of you. And not being able to sleep over thirty quid ? Really. Way over dramatic imo

She was hardly inviting hordes of people...

He's a tight wad.
He wanted to look good in front of his dm but didn't want to actually pay.
Seriously I couldn't be with someone this mean.

God help you if this mean man is all you think you deserve.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be upset, he sounds extremely cheap? I would expect a financially stable and FT employed man to be more than happy to foot the bill for a Mother’s Day lunch for his mum, girlfriend and one teenager. I think you should reassess the relationship.

But it’s not really about £30 is it. She’s obviously having the sudden realisation that he’s either really cheap or hiding debt or something as it’s very unusual of him to not just cover a bill like this on Mother’s Day. OP I hope you find a man with a bit more chivalry and romance in his blood.

I don’t know your reasons for your financial circumstances. But. If there was anything I was in control of at all, ie second job possibility etc, I would do it. It would be nicer to do that than live a life where a £15 meal out causes such angst, arguments, worry, sleeplessness etc

He offered to pay for two people - him and you.

You invited two more people without first agreeing who would pay.

Therefore YABU

I think this. It was rubbish of him to not offer to pay for you as that was the original offer. He could have paid 3/4 and you pay 1/4. Especially as he knows you're low on money as you told him. Does he ever do anything nice for you usually?

Technically she didn't invite his mum. He did. She just suggested it.

I asked him to invite his Mum as I no longer have mine and wanted to include her as I like her a lot and it was Mothers Day

Yes he could easily afford it and it’s currently all on my credit card

We always go 50/50. He has treated me once before. This was a few months ago to a meal and drinks after a previous misunderstanding where by he had suggested getting a takeaway on the way out to going shopping for the day. Then on the way home he’d said we could use up some leftovers at my house. As a sorry he took me out for drinks and a meal.

He was suggesting 50/50 as it was no longer just me and him. I didn’t think suggesting he bring his Mum and asking him to invite her if he wanted to would change the original offer. I just wish he’d have said something about my son going too. Now I just feel that the money being saved by him is more important than my happiness yesterday

Exactly this. It went from him trying to cheer me up on what was a tough day to him making me feel the worse I’ve felt since we started dating

What did he do ‘wrong’ that time?

But did he actually want to invite her?
It sounds like he wanted to do something with you. Not everyone makes a big thing of mother's day. I think he was trying to show empathy specifically to you knowing you would find it tough.
As I said, you changed the dynamic as you thought it would be nice to invite his mum (and also your son). This was not the original plan, so therefore the idea of treating you was scrapped and a new plan of a family meal was created (in which it is reasonable to expect to pay half).
I get that you are upset as he said he would treat you, but I don't think he is being unreasonable (regardless of whether he has money or not...you don't know how tied up that is or if he is having a difficult moment financially) because the treat was meant to be for you, and you alone. Maybe he is a bit pissed off you wanted to invite his mum along and your son, maybe he feels you didn't really want a day with just him.

You got upset that he didn’t want to buy a takeaway anymore?

Thank you for all of your possible scenarios. I honestly don’t know what his reason was but he gave an example of had it been him with his son’s, he would not have expected me to pay for them. My reply was that if I was already taking him out as a treat, I would have either been clear and said he needed to pay for them but I’d still pay for him or if short of money like I am currently, I would have paid for them so as not to upset him. I used Father’s Day as the example.

I had spent 2 days over Xmas cooking and we were on the 3rd day of Turkey sandwiches. It was supposed to be so I got a rest out of the kitchen but instead we had turkey sandwiches again.

The takeaway was meant to give me break out of the kitchen after 2 days of cooking over Xmas. But he drove past the takeaway after suggesting it earlier and said we can use up the last of the turkey so there I was calving off the very last bits from the turkey once we got home which was fairly late.

My DS really likes my BF and they get on really well so as nothing was said by him about costs I did think my BF would cover him too… £15

This is probably why he put his foot down.

It's not the money, it's the being taken for granted.

Why didn’t you just buy a take away anyway?

OP, men who" pocketwatch" tend to be arseholes.
Plus you are too old to be dallying around with a man who cannot value the bargain of four people being fed in a sit down meal in a restaurant on a special day.....all for sixty quid.

"Fifty Fifty" is a con that a lot of tight men subscribe to.
Similar to idiot women and women hating men who think that Equality means " the same".

Get rid.