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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Retracted Mothers Day Treat?

302 replies

mummytippy · 31/03/2025 12:20

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/03/2025 14:18

Maybe your boyfriend is resentful that you thought he was paying for your son - whom you invited, and for his mother whom you suggested he invited.

You increased the people by 50%

Maybe your boyfriend thought he was paying for you, and you were paying for the additional people you wanted inviting.

Maybe he wouldn't normally take his mother out for a pub meal on Mother's Day ? and gives her a card or a card and a gift ?
maybe that was why she was ' very excited '

Maybe you were confusing your boyfriend with your late father - whom paid for his wife and daughter and grandson on Mother's Day ?

Shame his father got left at home alone.

Sofiewoo · 31/03/2025 14:18

Busybeemumm · 31/03/2025 14:04

I think you are upset as it's not really about the money- it's about how he sees you and your DS as one and part of his new family.

In his mind as you usually go 50/50, this still stood even though your DS was with you and this is what hurt you. It's never about the actual money spent and the split.

Given your son hasn't met your partner's parents before, it seems like a new relationship. The boundaries are still being tested between you, your relationship is being shaped by this as you are in the midst of the relationship dance.

Why on earth would a boyfriend see OP’s adult son as part of his family?
Why would it be the boyfriend’s responsibility to subsidise her adult child and pay 50/50 to cover his portion of the bill every time?

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 31/03/2025 14:19

I agree with others that he invited you out as a treat. You suggested inviting two others, so you really shouldn’t assume you would expect him to pay for all four people, particularly not an 18 year old as it’s not a Mother’s Day treat for him, is it?! However, I’d have thought that he’d probably pay for his mum. She’ll have assumed it was his treat too. I think you should’ve offered to pay roughly 25% to cover your son. He’s 18, he’s not anyone’s mother and you invited him!

SpringHasSprungg · 31/03/2025 14:25

OP tbh you invited 2 other people so technically you should have paid 75%.

Original poster
mummytippy · 31/03/2025 14:30

Thank you to all who have commented.

Mothers Day is always an ‘odd’ day for me emotionally as I explained in my OP.

Just to clarify, my DS is a full time student and has no money as is financially dependant on me and gets a bursary for food at college.

My BF is well paid, financially secure and usually we do go 50/50 as I feel that is fair. The only other times we’ve not done this has been on birthdays where we each pay the birthday persons meal bill. My BF could easily have afforded the whole bill. That said I’m am not the type of person to take someone for granted I can’t stand that. I have friends who expect their BF to pay all the time! I also don’t like people I feel are tight.

I felt in the original invitation to treat me on Mothers Day my BF was going above and beyond and I did feel he was doing this to ‘cheer me up’ as he knows it’s could be a tough day.

I didn’t see that asking him to invite is Mum (who’s late 70s and said ‘if he wanted to’) was compromising him financially. I would have felt awkward about him taking me out instead of her. That didn’t sit right with me. His Mum is his Mum and should be his priority on Mothers Day.

Then as someone has said on here about my DS, I did ask my BF first if I could invite my DS as obviously I want to spend the day with my child (yes 18 but still my baby). My DS really likes my BF and they get on really well so as nothing was said by him about costs I did think my BF would cover him too… £15

I can see now that I should pay for him as he’s not his child. That said I also can’t help but think if he was doing the same outing with his ex partner and they had all gone out that he would have paid for her, his Mum and all his children. Had that been the case he’d have been paying for 5 people.

What has happened has taken the whole shine off what was supposed to be a completely lovely day.

When I raised the question ‘would you have asked your Mum to pay for herself?’ And is the issue the fact my DS came? He said he would have expected me to pay for his grown up children. I said it is different as they work FT but I also said that for example if it were Fathers Day and if I’d offered to pay in the first place, I’d have just ‘sucked it up’ as I wouldn’t have wanted to still not treat him and cause upset over the bill.

I think once he’s resolved the deposit situation and got the £20 back I’ll ask him to send me half (£30) and going forwards I’ll go out just me and my DS in future for Mothers Day. I hate to say it but I feel like he was being tight especially as it was Mothers Day and it was supposed to be a treat for me. If gone from feeling beyond special to becoming a balance sheet.

OP posts:
nessiesnotreal · 31/03/2025 14:30

You didn't sleep last night and now resent him because he didn't pay for the meal? WTF?

He obviously offered to take you, if you didn't have plans with your DS, as a treat. Something, may I add, he absolutely DID NOT have to do as he is not even your son's Dad. That was a nice offer for him to make so that you received a treat on Mother's Day.

You then changed those plans to him asking his Mum, and then also invited your son and then just presumed he would still pay for everything?!

This is a matter of miscommunication and a lesson for the future to make sure you are clear on who is paying for what before you eat out. Especially if it upsets you this much and makes you resent the poor guy.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/03/2025 14:34

If he knows you are short of money and your son doesn’t have a job, unless he’s really short of funds I think 4 meals for £60 is great value and should have been his treat.
What stands out for me is that your DS got on so well with his elderly parents. So many threads on here about badly behaved teens, I thought it read nicely that DS had clearly had a lovely time here.
That’s a real positive.
I think the man though sounds a bit of a dick. I’m sorry, but suddenly landing on OP to pay using her credit card when it was a day for her. It wasn’t the bloody Ritz. It sounds like a value carvery.
The thing that also stands out is an elderly gentleman at home left out of it. Why the hell didn’t this man bring his dad? Doesn’t matter what day it is, he should have been invited as well.
This fella sounds like a cheapskate.

ittrippr · 31/03/2025 14:42

Oh goodness. I understand the confusion. Maybe change your expectations - and make them clearer.

You weren't unreasonable to interpret it that way, but the BF wasn't unreasonable either.

He offered to treat you if you weren't doing something with your son. It turned out that you were doing something with your son, so the event changed.

It's not your BF's duty to carry on your father's lovely tradition. It would be sweet if he did, but maybe he wants to do something new with you instead.

Could your son do something for you that is essentially free - e.g. make you breakfast in bed, make you a cake, bring you cups of tea all day - so it feels special? And just ask him!

Aworldofwonder · 31/03/2025 14:43

I think he's a tight fucker and I'd be turned off him.

Cosyblankets · 31/03/2025 14:44

mummytippy · 31/03/2025 14:30

Thank you to all who have commented.

Mothers Day is always an ‘odd’ day for me emotionally as I explained in my OP.

Just to clarify, my DS is a full time student and has no money as is financially dependant on me and gets a bursary for food at college.

My BF is well paid, financially secure and usually we do go 50/50 as I feel that is fair. The only other times we’ve not done this has been on birthdays where we each pay the birthday persons meal bill. My BF could easily have afforded the whole bill. That said I’m am not the type of person to take someone for granted I can’t stand that. I have friends who expect their BF to pay all the time! I also don’t like people I feel are tight.

I felt in the original invitation to treat me on Mothers Day my BF was going above and beyond and I did feel he was doing this to ‘cheer me up’ as he knows it’s could be a tough day.

I didn’t see that asking him to invite is Mum (who’s late 70s and said ‘if he wanted to’) was compromising him financially. I would have felt awkward about him taking me out instead of her. That didn’t sit right with me. His Mum is his Mum and should be his priority on Mothers Day.

Then as someone has said on here about my DS, I did ask my BF first if I could invite my DS as obviously I want to spend the day with my child (yes 18 but still my baby). My DS really likes my BF and they get on really well so as nothing was said by him about costs I did think my BF would cover him too… £15

I can see now that I should pay for him as he’s not his child. That said I also can’t help but think if he was doing the same outing with his ex partner and they had all gone out that he would have paid for her, his Mum and all his children. Had that been the case he’d have been paying for 5 people.

What has happened has taken the whole shine off what was supposed to be a completely lovely day.

When I raised the question ‘would you have asked your Mum to pay for herself?’ And is the issue the fact my DS came? He said he would have expected me to pay for his grown up children. I said it is different as they work FT but I also said that for example if it were Fathers Day and if I’d offered to pay in the first place, I’d have just ‘sucked it up’ as I wouldn’t have wanted to still not treat him and cause upset over the bill.

I think once he’s resolved the deposit situation and got the £20 back I’ll ask him to send me half (£30) and going forwards I’ll go out just me and my DS in future for Mothers Day. I hate to say it but I feel like he was being tight especially as it was Mothers Day and it was supposed to be a treat for me. If gone from feeling beyond special to becoming a balance sheet.

You say you hate it but you did take it for granted that he was paying for everyone.
It does not matter how much money he has or how financially secure he is. You don't assume that someone else is paying the bill.

MyKingdomForACat · 31/03/2025 14:48

BF sounds tight. I couldn’t be doing with picking over who is paying for what and who. Miserable

Kingsleadhat · 31/03/2025 14:48

I think it was tight of him. If he didn't want to pay for you and your son he should have made that clear beforehand

MyKingdomForACat · 31/03/2025 14:49

Aworldofwonder · 31/03/2025 14:43

I think he's a tight fucker and I'd be turned off him.

That’s exactly what I mean

MesmerisingMuon · 31/03/2025 14:49

YABU.

He invited YOU out for a treat (e.g. the two of you) so he would have paid.

YOU then invited your DS and his mum, so 50/50 is fair. You cannot possibly expect him to pay for all 4 people!?

MyKingdomForACat · 31/03/2025 14:51

It was sixty quid not six hundred. Couldn’t be with a man who quibbled over paying for my son. Mean with money= mean of spirit

SpringHasSprungg · 31/03/2025 14:51

mummytippy · 31/03/2025 14:30

Thank you to all who have commented.

Mothers Day is always an ‘odd’ day for me emotionally as I explained in my OP.

Just to clarify, my DS is a full time student and has no money as is financially dependant on me and gets a bursary for food at college.

My BF is well paid, financially secure and usually we do go 50/50 as I feel that is fair. The only other times we’ve not done this has been on birthdays where we each pay the birthday persons meal bill. My BF could easily have afforded the whole bill. That said I’m am not the type of person to take someone for granted I can’t stand that. I have friends who expect their BF to pay all the time! I also don’t like people I feel are tight.

I felt in the original invitation to treat me on Mothers Day my BF was going above and beyond and I did feel he was doing this to ‘cheer me up’ as he knows it’s could be a tough day.

I didn’t see that asking him to invite is Mum (who’s late 70s and said ‘if he wanted to’) was compromising him financially. I would have felt awkward about him taking me out instead of her. That didn’t sit right with me. His Mum is his Mum and should be his priority on Mothers Day.

Then as someone has said on here about my DS, I did ask my BF first if I could invite my DS as obviously I want to spend the day with my child (yes 18 but still my baby). My DS really likes my BF and they get on really well so as nothing was said by him about costs I did think my BF would cover him too… £15

I can see now that I should pay for him as he’s not his child. That said I also can’t help but think if he was doing the same outing with his ex partner and they had all gone out that he would have paid for her, his Mum and all his children. Had that been the case he’d have been paying for 5 people.

What has happened has taken the whole shine off what was supposed to be a completely lovely day.

When I raised the question ‘would you have asked your Mum to pay for herself?’ And is the issue the fact my DS came? He said he would have expected me to pay for his grown up children. I said it is different as they work FT but I also said that for example if it were Fathers Day and if I’d offered to pay in the first place, I’d have just ‘sucked it up’ as I wouldn’t have wanted to still not treat him and cause upset over the bill.

I think once he’s resolved the deposit situation and got the £20 back I’ll ask him to send me half (£30) and going forwards I’ll go out just me and my DS in future for Mothers Day. I hate to say it but I feel like he was being tight especially as it was Mothers Day and it was supposed to be a treat for me. If gone from feeling beyond special to becoming a balance sheet.

Wasn’t it still special, you had a nice meal and all got on well?

ASISAYNOTASIDO · 31/03/2025 14:53

mummytippy · 31/03/2025 12:20

So a few weeks ago my BF asked me if I’d like to go out for Mother’s Day (his treat) if I had nothing planned with my 18 yo DS who is still a college student and living at home. I said I didn’t know what I was doing as not yet discussed it with my DS. Usually my DS will usually just get me a card as not earning and we don’t go out since my Mum passed away 3 years ago. When my Dad was alive we’d all go out on Mother’s Day and he would treat me, my Mum and my DS. I thought offering to take me out was a lovely gesture from my BF and I was really looking forward to it. As the time drew nearer, I asked him if he’d like to ask his Mum and also if it would be okay to take my DS, so 4 of us. He said he thought it was a lovely idea and even remarked it would be both mums and their sons. He knows I’m struggling since the loss of my parents and that I’m struggling with the menopause in that me and him won’t have children of our own. I also had a miscarriage just before my DS was conceived and I think about that baby on Mothers Day too. My BF has grown up children. He booked a table for 4 at a local pub. This was also the first time my DS was meeting my BF’s elderly parents too. I was really looking forward to it all and felt happier he’d asked his Mum as he is very lucky to still have her and she is lovely. She was also very excited. Anyway, all was well with me until after we sat down, drinks were chosen and he headed to the bar. I went with him to help carry the drinks back to the table but upon being asked if he wanted to pay for the drinks, or open a tab for the table, he asked me what I’d like to do while he secured a tab with his card. As we walked away from the bar I said ‘what do you mean, I thought this was your treat?’ He said he was sorry he had said that and yes it was. This was while walking back to the table. It wasn’t resolved and I was very confused so after we’d all decided what to eat we returned to the bar together to order the food. He said he would get it and I could transfer my share to him? Again I said I thought this was a treat but because now I was upset/shocked/annoyed and still confused (all at the same time) and I’m currently short of money (which he knows) I said I can’t afford to transfer you money so I’ll just get it on my credit card and tapped my credit card. The amount included the drinks. We then went and sat back down and I felt really upset but obviously put a brave face on things as his Mum was there and my DS who surprisingly was very chatty were smiling away. I was so upset I could not look my BF in the eyes. For me the occasion had gone from a treat for me to us now going 50/50 which is what we normally do. From the pub we returned his Mum home and spent an hour there with his Dad too so my DS could also meet him. My DS loved them. Anyway once back at my house I told him how I felt about us splitting it 50/50 when originally it was him inviting me out for a treat, and his answer was that that was if it had been just the two of us. So I asked how could that be, was he going to ask his Mum to pay for herself? Was it because I’d taken my DS? and he didn’t want to pay for him, but I’d asked if I could invite him and he’d said yes. He said he thought I’d have realised this changed things. I told him no I hadn’t. I said unless he’d have said to me that because it wasn’t now just the two of us so would I be happy to now go halves I was left feeling like I’d caused my own Mother’s Day treat to unravel and no longer be a treat. He said he wanted me to see his point of view and apologised. To add to this the pub took a £20 deposit for the table on booking on his card which they have not deducted from the total bill which was £60. He now has to go back to the pub to have the deposit refunded. Am I being unreasonable to think the original offer of lunch out being on him should still stand as I do feel very disappointed. As it stands the cost for me and my DS is £30. My DS wanted another drink so I sent him to the bar with my card to tap for that. My BF currently has the receipt to take back to the pub to get the deposit refunded. Last night I did not sleep as this has upset me so much and I’m feeling very resentful.

Honestly i would be fuming too - if he had a problem with paying for you, his Mum and your DS then he should have asked you to pay for your DS when it was first mentioned that he might come too. You were never responsible for paying for his Mum. As you paid for yourself to sit and have dinner with his Mum I fail to see how its a treat for you. While I can see that it might be a communication issue I would be a bit cautious in the future.

NightLife01 · 31/03/2025 14:59

I would also have expected him to pay as it was his idea originally and also he could afford it. I am surprised so many posters voted YABU.

NightLife01 · 31/03/2025 15:01

So basically you paid for your own Mother’s Day meal when he had invited you out as a treat.

Cosyblankets · 31/03/2025 15:02

NightLife01 · 31/03/2025 14:59

I would also have expected him to pay as it was his idea originally and also he could afford it. I am surprised so many posters voted YABU.

No
His idea was to take her out.
She moved the goalposts and suggested two other people

AlwaysPerfumed · 31/03/2025 15:07

@mummytippy You say he could easily have afforded to pay for all four of you.

If that is the case, why do you think he didn't? He seemed determined not to do so, so what point do you think he was trying to make?

I would have thought that when you said you couldn't afford it but would have to use your credit card, at the very least he might have suggested that he pay and you pay him back next month but he was determined not to pay, even though it was embarrassing.

I would think about why he was so set on this and base my conclusions and whether I was prepared to continue on that conclusion.

Was he annoyed that you had invited your son? Maybe he thought that your son should be making a fuss of you-making you breakfast, buying you a bar of chocolate or packet of biscuits-and setting you up on the sofa to watch television or read all day.

It's possible that when he saw that your son wasn't going to make a fuss of you, he felt sorry for you and stepped in and was then flabbergasted when you asked if, the same son who wouldn't do those things, could join in on the treat he was providing.

It's possible that his mum told him that he shouldn't be paying for your son.

It's possible that, despite what you think, he was a hard up at that moment in time.

It's possible he thought he was being used by you to get him to pay for you and your son.

It's possible he is a tight man.

You must have your idea as to why he behaved like this and you will have to judge and act accordingly.

Endofyear · 31/03/2025 15:14

It does just sound like miscommunication - I would have expected to pay for my own children at the very least and him pay for his mum and dad. As it is, it's only £30 for you and DS which is pretty cheap! I'd just let it go and make sure that you sort out who's paying for what ahead of time in future.

Moonnstars · 31/03/2025 15:15

YABU. Would he normally do something with his mum like that on mother's day? I just get my mum some flowers and a card, I wouldn't be going out for a meal and treating her (can't afford it/she wouldn't expect it).
I think you changed the idea of him treating you by inviting his mum and your son. He wanted to make the day special for you knowing you had been through a difficult time if you had nothing else planned.
You then turned his gesture into a general get together by saying you would like to invite your son and he should invite his mum. This is a different scenario to him taking you out as a treat and it's now become a whole family meal. I can see why he was surprised you thought he would pay for everyone.

Hoggyhoghog · 31/03/2025 15:19

£60 for 4 with drinks, what pub was this? Sounds like a bargain.

Itiswhysofew · 31/03/2025 15:19

On mother's day, you should not be expected to pay for yourself or any other adult. I'd assume that BF would pay for his mother and you, or your son pay for you and himself.