Unexpected inheritance..do I tell my partner?

[jellytiptop]

Hello, I’ve been on mn for years but have name changed for this post. I have recently discovered that my grandmother has left me some money in her will, all her grandchildren received £60000 and this was distributed to us this week. I haven’t told my partner of 8 years.

For context, we own a house together as tenants in common with both of us putting down equal deposits and splitting the mortgage and bills 50/50. DP is 37 and earns £65k pa, he has two teen children from his previous marriage who we have EOW and half the holidays, he pays maintenance, uniforms, allowance etc. I am 31 earning £52k pa with no children. We have a joint account where all household expenses are paid from and we both transfer the same amount each month, but get paid into our separate accounts. He has approximately £40k personal savings and also some shares/ crypto but I don’t know the value of these. I only had £20k until now as the deposit for the house are most of my savings.

Our relationship has been very difficult the past couple of years with my partners depression and impulsive behaviour making me feel that we aren’t in a stable partnership. He has always been very insistent on everything being 50/50 financially even when I was earning far less than I am now. I’ve just accepted it because I didn’t want to viewed as a freeloader and I could look after myself. Now I’m wondering if it’s really sneaky of me to not tell him I have this money. I would like to put some of it on the mortgage but then he would ask where it came from etc. Just wanting to know if it’s ok to have a secret bank account or what I should do with the money, we aren’t married.

Keep it to yourself. His attitude seems to be very clear on not supporting each other financially.

please pop £20k into an ISA now if you’ve not used your allowance this year before the end of the week!!

ISA limit is £20k per year (year end April) so you need to put in £20K immediately and £20K after the end of the tax year.

Sorry, realise that somebody has just posted the same advice.

Read the thread on ''Husband hid £122,000 from me.

@jellytiptop

But you need to build yourself a future. DP's main responsibility is to provide for himself and protect his assets for his children. Where does that leave you if you should go 'all in'? Probably with the shitty end of the stick should he die before you. If you invest your money in a 'joint' future, chances are his children will walk off with half of it. And where will you be then?

Plus you've said he has, shall we call it, erratic behaviour (I know, not his fault). But that could still cause you problems down the line should that behaviour either turn nasty or should he start making foolish financial decisions.

No, you need to keep this inheritance to yourself. And I wouldn't gift his DC anything right now, either. If you want to gift them money, put it in your will or your estate planning.

If I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years and didn’t feel comfortable telling them something like this then it’s a sign to breakup

I don't think you should tell him you came into some money but not tell him how much, because he's going to wonder why you're not saying. He's also going to wonder why you're splashing the cash to others if you're saying it's not much. And if he thinks everything should be split 50/50 he'll be demanding you hand over half anyway.

Either tell him everything or tell him nothing. I'd go with nothing.

If you don’t trust him it’s probably better you’re not together!

Maybe say you had inheritance but just say you got £5,000 -10,000 and put rest in a separate saving account. That way and you are sharing, but also you have back up, would this work? I did wonder how you would feel if you found out he kept money from you.

If he thought you needed to cover exactly half the costs for everything even when you had much less money than he did, then it's not really his business now you have more, is it? Especially as you don't know how much he has saved himself - it could be the same as this level.

I would invest this quietly. You are not married, so your assets are your own.

TBH if he was earning more and you had teenagers living with you half the time, but you were expected to cover equal bills (including food and utilities) then you have been subsidising him all through. His kids eat and use hot water which you paid for equally. If he's that keen on not sharing his larger income and greater savings, but is keen on you subbing his children's expenses on the basis of strict half share contributions, then he's the one who laid the ground rules at a point where he benefited and you lost out, because he had more than you did (but you paid for kids who weren't yours). Live by the sword, die by the sword. You contribute half overheads and anything more is your own money - not his.

I'm sorry things are tough - nothing is lonelier than being in an unhappy relationship.

If this is a strong relationship, you should be able to tell him about the inheritance without worrying that he will try to spend it for you.

Put £40k into ISAs and put £15k into your savings. Use the remaining £5k in a way that gives you joy - in remembrance of DGM. This could be giving some to DSD, home improvements or just knowing you’ve got a bit of leeway to by something you wouldn’t normally treat yourself to.

If it is easier for you, tell DP that this is what DGM wanted you to do (saving most of the money & enjoying a smaller portion). But honestly, I would feel really betrayed if my DP hid that amount of money from me.

It's your money so I see no harm in telling him, it's not like he can make you give him half and he has more in savings than you and isn't saying to you "as you have less ill give you some of mine" is he and you pay everything 50/50nso you owe him nothing.

Enjoy it or save it but it's yours.

It isn’t your husband so no.

Even if you were married, inheritance is given to you solely so it is great to share but not really mandatory if he doesn’t really share what is his too.

I would not tell him no. I’d save it. He will prioritise his child, you need to prioritise yourself.

Personally, keep it seperate it sounds like your not sure if this relationship has ran it's course. If it has and you end up separating, paying it into the mortgage now gives half of the amount paid to him. Save it as you never know, you may in future be looking to buy him out, or if he ends up buying you out you may need it towards another property.

Perhaps spend some money on counselling OP. You sound like you are in a difficult relationship and had a difficult upbringing. Therapy may help you see clearly where you belong and with whom.

Lucky you, what a lovely and thoughtful grandma. Given your partnership status as described, I’d say this inheritance is YOUR money. There’s nothing sneaky about making your own arrangements as to how you manage it. You can salve your conscience by letting your DP know that you’ve had a pleasant surprise in the form of a windfall from your late grandmother’s will and that your current account is now healthier to the tune of, say £5,500 (you choose). Simultaneously, get proprietary and confidential financial advice as to how best to invest your windfall, so that it grows - just as I assume your grandmother did - so that you can use or dispose of it as an when you see fit. Oh - and treat yourself to something special. Good luck.

Definitely keep this separate from your main finances, especially as you aren't married.
If you're relationship is as rocky as you've mentioned, you may need this money for yourself in the future.

I think this unexpected windfall has just made me think more deeply about the direction my relationship and life is headed. I’ve been in the trenches of dealing my dps ongoing physical and mental health struggles, my grandmother’s decline after her stroke and then death and also working extra hours to gain a promotion. I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup and this money which should have been a blessing has actually made me really sad as I don’t feel that I can share it and use as you would in a ‘normal’ relationship. I don’t actually want to lie about it or be selfish I just want to feel safe and stable enough in my relationship. I do feel like I am betraying him as I have seen him at his absolute rock bottom and how far he has come in the last few years, still working full time etc. Maybe counselling should be my first step

Do you, then, see the inheritance as a chance to set off on a new life?

Then if that is what you want, you should do it, but wouldn't it be unkind to stay with him without telling him of your inheritance?

There is no reason not to tell him, but hold on to it and not let him decide what to spend it on. Your difficulty there is that he might stop paying bills knowing you have the money. I had that with my X, saved tax as self employed, and knowing I had saved it and when taxes are due, stopped paying the energy bills or something like.

He might spend his money knowing you have that inheritance, unless you decide to invest it and not touch it.

Only you know how to manage this new finance.

If you put it all in a pension pot so that you can retire early, he will not be able to coax it out of you - at least until you retire. Then you will have a better retirement.

Would he share it with you if the situation was reversed

Keep it to yourself

No keep it to yourself . This doesn’t sound like he’s particularly generous financially so if the tables were turned I don’t think he’d share it with you . Also not sure about if the relationship will last .

If you're going to tell him you got some money, but not the full amount, you could discuss with him the option of reducing the mortgage if he matches what you put in front his savings e.g. you both put £15k in.

But also, make sure you do something really lovely for yourself with part of the money, doesn't have to be a lot, but something that brings you joy - maybe a beautiful dress or a painting so whenever you look at it you'll think of your grandma and smile

The fact you feel uncertain about telling him (reason unclear but seems like there are various reasons why) shows not only that yes you should not but also you should move on and find someone better or enjoy your single hood. Asking you for 50/50 when you earn less is not a partnership. The relationship has been "difficult". And you can't share the fact you've come into some money. This seems very unstable, and there are holes in trust everywhere.