Unexpected inheritance..do I tell my partner?

[jellytiptop]

Hello, I’ve been on mn for years but have name changed for this post. I have recently discovered that my grandmother has left me some money in her will, all her grandchildren received £60000 and this was distributed to us this week. I haven’t told my partner of 8 years.

For context, we own a house together as tenants in common with both of us putting down equal deposits and splitting the mortgage and bills 50/50. DP is 37 and earns £65k pa, he has two teen children from his previous marriage who we have EOW and half the holidays, he pays maintenance, uniforms, allowance etc. I am 31 earning £52k pa with no children. We have a joint account where all household expenses are paid from and we both transfer the same amount each month, but get paid into our separate accounts. He has approximately £40k personal savings and also some shares/ crypto but I don’t know the value of these. I only had £20k until now as the deposit for the house are most of my savings.

Our relationship has been very difficult the past couple of years with my partners depression and impulsive behaviour making me feel that we aren’t in a stable partnership. He has always been very insistent on everything being 50/50 financially even when I was earning far less than I am now. I’ve just accepted it because I didn’t want to viewed as a freeloader and I could look after myself. Now I’m wondering if it’s really sneaky of me to not tell him I have this money. I would like to put some of it on the mortgage but then he would ask where it came from etc. Just wanting to know if it’s ok to have a secret bank account or what I should do with the money, we aren’t married.

No, keep schtum

Oh good I can see the fretting about "if OP were a maaan" has started.

FWIW, my advice is the same: it's your inheritance, and you aren't married. You aren't a financial partnership and there's no reason for him to be involved with it.

My response would be slightly different if they were on the breadline and this money was life-changing to them (in which case, advice would be ringfence it but put it as a downpayment or something on house, something tangible that will improve your lives. But make sure it's protected and not something your partner could get access to if you split, and yes that advice would be for either gender)

But this isn't life-changing money, both people earn a decent wage and OP putting it into an investment or savings fund makes sense.

Unfortunately, it does not make sense to start distributing it to the children involved. Once you're handing out £1k each, it opens the idea that there's money to give away. Then it's why only 1k? You could afford to get them each a car when they get older. etc. All of a sudden, this gift is being frittered away.

I know it's cold but if your relationship goes south, the girls aren't actually your children and you have a long life ahead of you to invest in.

I totally agree. Id say the same for a man too.

It’s fine to keep it to yourself.

But, have a good think about how you really feel about the relationship.

I’ll be honest, hiding money is not the sort of thing I’d expect to see in really solid, committed, happy partnerships.

So he needed a 3 bed and insisted you pay half even though a one bed was all you need.
You really think a man as mean as that will not insist on knowing how much you got.

You are determined to continue to self sabotage unfortunately.

How much did that 3 bed cost you?
Probably a couple of thousand.
No wonder he has more savings than you.

Best of luck to you OP.

If you tell him you’ve had an inheritance he will want to know how much. You can save for the girls without telling them just now. Personally I’d put the money in a high-interest savings account for a few years.

OP, you sound like as absolutely lovely person. Listen to your gut. In your circumstances, I don't think I'd be telling him about the inheritance at all. If you want to give some to the daughters, stick a grand each into premium bonds without telling them.

From experience!!!
don’t tell anyone

remember the saying that two people can keep a secret if only one of them knows about it. its a kind thought to make a gift but are you SURE there is no way that this will get back to your partner?

it would be asking for trouble to give his girls a gift. You need to first look in the mirror, and say I really want him to be mad at me, this is a choice I’m making, before you do that.

Don't tell him and put the money into your own account. He hasn't and isn't playing fairly with finances. Insisting on fifty fifty where there is a disparity in income is greatly in his favour. Think of your inheritance as your escape fund and keep quiet.

Ok so everyone is really latching on to the 50/50 in regards to the house. Our earnings are comparable after tax and deductions and DPS maintenance. He pays his ex quite a substantial amount above cms as she wouldn’t be able to house the girls without it along with uniform, extra curriculars and the girls get £20 allowance each weekly. I don’t pay for any of their direct costs, just 50/50 on household costs like council tax, utilities and food. Any extra stuff I buy for the girls has always been my idea no one is demanding I pay for things I want the girls to have nice things and experiences because I can afford it.

I definitely do not want kids with DP or anyone else, I grew up with divorced parents and was abused by my fathers alcoholic second wife. It was pretty bad and has really put me off having my own kids. Maybe this has influenced how I behave with my partner and his girls as I don’t want to repeat the awful tension I grew up with knowing I was hated and othered in my fathers house.

Your dp has his own savings and now you have yours. Buy gifts from the common funds. Keep the mortgage as it is.

But you shouldn’t be paying 50/50 when there’s 3 of them and 1 of you that’s not a fair split. And it’s only latterly that you’re earning what you currently are, so it was even more unfair previously.

It was unfair previously when she was earning less, but lots of blended families do pay half or proportionately for housing ignoring the kids numbers. There’s nothing wrong with that approach if it works.

Even in a marriage isn’t inheritance separate and not due for division in case of divorce? I’d keep this to myself if I were you. And don’t overpay mortgage with it.

What worries you about telling him? Are you concerned he will try to say how you spend it? I wouldn’t pay anything on the mortgage unless he is matching it. Pension/savings is a good idea.

I don’t think he’s going to be an twat about the money perse it’s more what the money represents for our relationship. In a standard long term relationship you would just share everything but because he is divorced with kids it’s not that simple as he has to put their welfare above our joint future. I just feel weird about it because ideally I would would reduce my share of the mortgage to shorten the term and save on interest so I can save more on a monthly basis. But we would need to sign something protecting that money and it all just feels business like. Coupled with his moodiness and sometimes manic behaviour I feel quite nervous, but also guilty as he’s had a really tough few years, he nearly died from a brain bleed in surgery.

FWIW while he may out earn me currently, he is nearly at his salary ceiling and I am likely to surpass his earnings in the next few years. I am also due to inherit substantially more from my maternal grandparents and my parents down the line so long term financial independence isn’t really a concern, which is extremely privileged I recognise that.

I guess what I’m asking is how do you balance a romantic partnership and joint future with different financial means and obligations and kids in the mix? I kind of feel like I’m building a future by myself instead of going all in.

You say he has manic periods Op, is he still seeing a brain specialist after the surgery or is this an expected side effect of the surgery?

@jellytiptop You can build a future together, but nothing you’ve posted in particularly convincing that you’ll stay with him forever. Which is why you should consider paying yourself first. But even if you did plan to stay with him forever, it’s still important to pay yourself first and build your fuck off fund.

In my long term relationship, all that’s been inherited so far has been openly discussed but belongs solely to the receiving person.

Interesting how so many responses are suggesting to keep this information away from him. If it were the case that a man kept a secret bank account and hid a large inheritance from his wife/girlfriend I imagine there would be all sorts of accusations of being sneaky and devious along with likely suggestions of infidelity.

A lot of you must be in incredibly unhealthy relationships. If you can’t be open and honest with your partner about financial matters then there is something seriously wrong and in all likelihood the relationship is dead.

Don’t be tempted to pool savings or pay off the joint mortgage due to an expectation of future salary increases or inheritances. None of us can foresee the future, including whether your relationship will last.

You’ve paid 50% of the bills/food for him and his kids for years, you’ve done plenty for them, don’t underestimate that. Would he be able to afford the house without you?

RTFT!
Op has serious concerns about this relationship

Have you read the full thread? You’ve repeated an accusation which has been addressed.

guess what I’m asking is how do you balance a romantic partnership and joint future with different financial means and obligations and kids in the mix? I kind of feel like I’m building a future by myself instead of going all in

He has separate savings and you don't know how much they are. Why don't you perceive that as not all in? Basically, if you keep quiet you're in the same position as him. You are already being very generous and lovely a out his children; keep something for yourself.