Unexpected inheritance..do I tell my partner?

[jellytiptop]

Hello, I’ve been on mn for years but have name changed for this post. I have recently discovered that my grandmother has left me some money in her will, all her grandchildren received £60000 and this was distributed to us this week. I haven’t told my partner of 8 years.

For context, we own a house together as tenants in common with both of us putting down equal deposits and splitting the mortgage and bills 50/50. DP is 37 and earns £65k pa, he has two teen children from his previous marriage who we have EOW and half the holidays, he pays maintenance, uniforms, allowance etc. I am 31 earning £52k pa with no children. We have a joint account where all household expenses are paid from and we both transfer the same amount each month, but get paid into our separate accounts. He has approximately £40k personal savings and also some shares/ crypto but I don’t know the value of these. I only had £20k until now as the deposit for the house are most of my savings.

Our relationship has been very difficult the past couple of years with my partners depression and impulsive behaviour making me feel that we aren’t in a stable partnership. He has always been very insistent on everything being 50/50 financially even when I was earning far less than I am now. I’ve just accepted it because I didn’t want to viewed as a freeloader and I could look after myself. Now I’m wondering if it’s really sneaky of me to not tell him I have this money. I would like to put some of it on the mortgage but then he would ask where it came from etc. Just wanting to know if it’s ok to have a secret bank account or what I should do with the money, we aren’t married.

I agree with others that you shouldn’t tell him.

But I do think you’re massively unreasonable to yourself for staying with someone you’re not comfortable enough to tell about your inheritance. 8 years of your life, you say the last few have been rocky. That’s a big percentage of the relationship you haven’t been happy for.

I do think some of the PP’s who say if it was a man hiding 60K from his partner it would be different comments, yes I’ve seen this too.

I think the inheritance has been the light bulb moment you need to get rid.

It’s his choice though to insist on 50:50 when he was out-earning you and getting a nanny with a fanny for free, contribution to holidays and gifts for his kids.

You’ve been shafted. Use this money to get free and live your life.

Why On earth would you feel guilty about abiding by the precedent already set in your relationship when your DP had the upper hand?
You aren’t building a shared life, you have parallel lives with some convenient crossover points.
Your grandmothers gift is not one of those crossovers so he doesn’t need to know about it.
The question really is whether you are happy running on separate tracks side by side in the long term, as one or the other is always going to fall behind/pull ahead.

Keep it to yourself

20k into an investment ISA
30k into your pension
10k to spend as you please

Do not tell your partner. It's none of his business.

Well that won’t work - if you tell him you’ve inherited money he will go on until you tell him the amount. He will then want you to give him some, contribute to this and that.

I wouldn’t disclose anything until you have decided whether to stay with him.

His feathering of his own nest at your expense seems long to predate his brain surgery so can’t be blamed on that.

Reddit UK finance has a good flowchart of the order of how to use your savings. Open an isa immediately, cash or stocks and shares - if stocks and shares are intimidating you can park cash in a stocks and shares isa to take advantage of your limit this year then decide later what to invest them in - vanguard can suggest fairly conservative mixes and index funds.

Spot on.

I don’t understand why OP feels the need to tell him other than he has always been the one in control in the relationship and she’s compliant and she’s still under his thumb.

Given they’re not married and the relationship may not survive there is no obligation to disclose anything.

Keep it in your own account and don't tell him. From what you've said, a eff off fund would be helpful if you need to move out.

I guess if he died tomorrow I could possibly afford to buy out their share.

You need to be in a position that if/when he dies before you (most likely he will go first) that you can buy out his daughters. It would be intolerable for them to own half your home. They could insist on it being sold to give them their pay out and you would lose your home.
So you need to save / invest enough, i.e. half the value of the house, and have it ready for when the day comes.
He might give you a 'life interest' in his will, so that they couldn't make you sell, but you would still be living in a house that was half theirs and if you wanted to downsize in later life you might not have enough capital if you only owned half of the house.

It is up to you whether you tell him about this plan and your inheritance - I can't see the harm, as he knows that his half will be inherited by his daughters. He would be extremely unreasonable if he objected to you building these savings.

The other alternative is that you will separate at some point before he dies. In that case, you will need to re-home yourself, so will still need a big lump sum of savings.

Another vote for keep it quietly to one side. I think your financial views don’t mesh well together which is a big problem, and you can always discuss the inheritance at a later date if it’s needed. He never needs to know exactly how much it is. You could always test the water with a ‘5k inheritance’ and see if he leaves you to it, or tells you what to do with it.

But he has maintenance and two kids he has to pay for and the OP doesn’t.
i haven’t said anything about sharing it with him it’s the keeping it from him, the deceit

Put it in a high interest account where you can't touch it for a while.

Use this to rethink your situation. Is this a relationship you envisage being in in 10 / 20 / 30 years' time? How does the prospect of that make you feel? Do you want to have children? Does he want any more children? Do you want children with him? Do you want to be married?...

At 31 it is imperative you answer these questions sooner rather than later, or you will forfeit the ability to have children easily.

Every woman, married or not, needs a FOF. I’ve got one, and I’ve set one up for my DS too. Read too many posts where husbands remarry, leave everything to new wives foolishly assuming they’ll look after the kids, and said kids get stuffed.

If you want to gift the two children something, set up a kids’ savings account in your name; they usually give better rates of interest, especially the monthly/regular saver types. Halifax pays 5,50% and I slush in £100/month. I’d set up a basic savings account and then do a monthly transfer into the kids’ saver. That way you’re maximising interest whilst still protecting the £1000 each you want to gift those children. Right now, they don’t need the cash. Later, when they’re older and assuming you still feel the same way about them, you can gift them their £1k each. In the meantime, make that money work for you.

If you want, you can tell your partner you’ve done that. See how he reacts and if he tries to pressurise you into gifting him/them the money now.

Time to end it and use the money towards a deposit on a new place.

Whether you tell him or not, I wouldn't comingle any of the money. Have it grow interest for your future.

Don't tell him or anyone else at all. Keep it in a separate savings account he won't see sight of.

Mydietstartstomorrow
But he has maintenance and two kids he has to pay for and the OP doesn’t.
i haven’t said anything about sharing it with him it’s the keeping it from him, the deceit

It was his choice to have children and her choice not to have children. Therefore he needs to pay for the children he chose to have.

As for deceit, there's nothing deceitful about OP keeping the details of her inheritance to herself in the same way he keeps the details of his savings, stocks, and crypto currency to himself.

What works for him work for her - fair's fair!

You don’t have to tell him as you don’t share money, but you just contribute to a third shared pot. So do what you want.

No need to be so rude. I think you are wrong, but at least I can express that without being rude and hostile.

OP chose to enter into a relationship with a man who already had children (and therefore responsibilities towards those children). She also chose to buy a property with him. None of those things are things she had to do and she knew about it all prior to deciding to buy the house with him. If she did not want to have to buy a house that also accommodated his children, she needn’t have done so. They could have rented together and each bough their own property (and e.g. let them out). But they did not, they chose to buy a home to live in. None of this is unreasonable on either of their parts. OP has 50% share in their home, having put in 50% of the costs to date.

Those children are there for only a few days of every month (I think 6 out of every 28, other than holidays), not full time. Any additional costs directly attributable to them he should indeed meet (food, extra electricty/gas etc), I agree he should fund and has not if she is paying 50% of utility bills and food shopping. OP would be within her rights to have this addressed and pay less (though I suspect it would not be massively different, given they are there less than 25% of the month during term time, and 50% during holidays).

However, regardless of the size of the house (assuming they bought a bigger house to accommodate his children), as they are not married I think it is right that if OP wanted to be entitled to 50% of the equity (or value of the house once it is owned outright), she does need to contribute 50% of the costs of buying that (deposit and mortgage payments) and maintaining it, as well as any improvements that increase the value of the home, such as an extension. She did want to half 50% share in their home and has contributed that, therefor she absolutely correctly will get 50% in the event of a split or her partners death. It’s perfectly right and fair. If she was happy to have had only a 30% share, she could have chosen to only provide 30% of the costs. It would not have been right to expect a 50% share, whilst paying only 30% of the costs of purchase and maintenance.

It is also perfectly right and fair that her partner should chose to leave his 50% share to his children in the event of his death- though I do think provision should be made for the OP with regards to her rights if he pre-deceases her.

How they split the costs of living- furnishing the house, gas/electricty, broadband, council tax, day to day costs and food are entirely different to the costs of ownership- and should be considered separately.

I'd do this too. Use it as an opportunity for freedom OP. (But whatever you do don't tell him about the money).

Same here. Time to move on and your lovely grandmother has made it possible. Take it as a sign.

Same here. Time to move on and your lovely grandmother has made it possible. Take it as a sign.

Same here. Time to move on and your lovely grandmother has made it possible. Take it as a sign.

Nowhere has she said he’s been poor with money. I presume he has to pay maintenance and additional expenses for his kids so 50/50 is fair enough taking this into account. I’ve always been 50/50 no matter what I or partner earn. Why should they carry me financially?!