Unexpected inheritance..do I tell my partner?

[jellytiptop]

Hello, I’ve been on mn for years but have name changed for this post. I have recently discovered that my grandmother has left me some money in her will, all her grandchildren received £60000 and this was distributed to us this week. I haven’t told my partner of 8 years.

For context, we own a house together as tenants in common with both of us putting down equal deposits and splitting the mortgage and bills 50/50. DP is 37 and earns £65k pa, he has two teen children from his previous marriage who we have EOW and half the holidays, he pays maintenance, uniforms, allowance etc. I am 31 earning £52k pa with no children. We have a joint account where all household expenses are paid from and we both transfer the same amount each month, but get paid into our separate accounts. He has approximately £40k personal savings and also some shares/ crypto but I don’t know the value of these. I only had £20k until now as the deposit for the house are most of my savings.

Our relationship has been very difficult the past couple of years with my partners depression and impulsive behaviour making me feel that we aren’t in a stable partnership. He has always been very insistent on everything being 50/50 financially even when I was earning far less than I am now. I’ve just accepted it because I didn’t want to viewed as a freeloader and I could look after myself. Now I’m wondering if it’s really sneaky of me to not tell him I have this money. I would like to put some of it on the mortgage but then he would ask where it came from etc. Just wanting to know if it’s ok to have a secret bank account or what I should do with the money, we aren’t married.

He still has check ups every 6 months with the neurosurgeon the issue is he has hydrocephalus which requires a shunt, he’s had revision surgery 3 times in 15 years and lives with chronic pain and after the last surgery he haemorrhaged in the post op CT and they had to go back in. He was in a coma for 3 days and now has ptsd, anxiety and depression, alongside an adhd diagnosis. He sees a psychologist weekly and takes various medications but he does struggle to moderate his emotions and tends to swing from elation and endless energy to really deep lows and rotting in bed. It’s hard for me to deal with by myself.

Does he have a will? Not being married means you have no rights.

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you to deal with.

But he's not "all in" in your relationship, As you saud, he has his children to put first. Its a good reason, a decent reason but its still a bar to his being "all in". Speaking from a health professional perspective and experience,if he has mood swings, its another reason to protect your inheritance. Its not uncommon for people with bipolar partners, to be cautious about allowing them full access to all the financial resource for very good reasons.

@jellytiptop how about some
counseling ? It wounds like you are putting everyone’s needs before your own as you don’t what anyone to live the childhood you had. .
His kids are grown up and you have proved you aren’t that perosn.
You can leave him and still have a relationship with the kids if you and them choose.
It’s really difficult to stay with someone who has a brain injury and their whole personality changes .
Again this is your choice if you feel you aren’t happy you can leave .
You aren’t married he hasn’t been open or even sorted a will. He made those choices . You have no time to him.
I really would get some Counseling to unpick everything and help you move on and make choices.

Keep the money safe and carry on as normal .
After Counseling see where your head is at then make future decisions .

Nothing wrong with that if she’s married and has that financial protection.
Otherwise she’s wasting money that should be going into her pension.

There are so many single fathers who want free childcare/housekeeper/mortgage contributor and demand women to pay for the privilege - which they do for fear of being labelled gold-diggers.

@jellytiptop absolutely not. This is YOUR money. If he was your husband, it would be different in terms of telling him but he hasn't felt the need to marry you and he therefore loses out on full financial disclosure.

Put that money away in a high interest account and don't spend a penny on him.

If your relationship goes belly up, you will be able to buy new and not be at a disadvantage while you wait for the joint home to sell.

Take care of you because he certainly won't when things go bad.

He still has check ups every 6 months with the neurosurgeon the issue is he has hydrocephalus which requires a shunt, he’s had revision surgery 3 times in 15 years and lives with chronic pain and after the last surgery he haemorrhaged in the post op CT and they had to go back in. He was in a coma for 3 days and now has ptsd, anxiety and depression, alongside an adhd diagnosis. He sees a psychologist weekly and takes various medications but he does struggle to moderate his emotions and tends to swing from elation and endless energy to really deep lows and rotting in bed. It’s hard for me to deal with by myself.

All the more reason to protect your funds, @jellytiptop You may need them for yourself if his condition worsens (fingers crossed it doesn't) or even to help with his and your DSC's living expenses in time to come. Sometimes what might appear selfish is just good financial housekeeping.

My DH has a life-limiting illness, we don't know how long he might have, hoping for five years but who knows. Some days I feel like it might only be months. He has two adult sons who've never lived with us, I get on reasonably well with my DSS but if DH or I should need care, I don't think I could rely on them to help their dad and definitely not me. So I have a separate fund, not part of marital assets to take care of myself if necessary, and joint savings for DH's care.

You’re young. I really urge you to reconsider this relationship. It sounds awful.

I'm so sorry @jellytiptop that sounds really hard for both of you. Absolutely keep the money separate and safe, I don't wish to be unkind but your DPs health sounds very fragile and you might really need that £60K one day

Tell him nothing 😜

Don't tell him it's your security your money not his.
Would he tell you if he had a windfall even if he would I'd just carry on as normal , unless you want to move on use it for your future .

There is no need to tell him. He has his own accounts and savings - significantly more than you

get some independent financial advice for at least half of the money, ideally 3/4 of it. Half for ling term investment and 1/4 for short term that you can access easily. From the reminder, be kind to yourself firstly. Do or buy or go someplace that makes you happy and thank grandma in your head for your treat.

I would only itemise this by asking, would anyone tell him? While you have separate finances for the most part, not sharing the bees can be seen as lying by omission and cause issues in your relationship. It is just that you’re not in a good place with him now, sharing with him the money would only hinder your financial future.

if by chance a d king could possibly bring it up in conversation, preempt that now by telling your sibling (or parent) not to mention it.

If you tell him,he would no doubt want it split 50/50,so keep it yourself you don't know what could happen in the future.

the very fact you’re asking this question means you should keep schuuuum!! Do not tell him. It seems as if the relationship has ran its course. See this money as a blessing and a new lease of life!! A fresh start is what you need.

Invest it in your own name. If you were married and had made that commitment or if he’d supported you I’d say different, but in your circumstances I’d use it to invest and grow your independent wealth. My money mentor is a good follow re investing!

He has at least £20k more in savings than you and he isn't offering to use this to reduce the mortgage, so why would you? He has always insisted on a 50/50 split, even though he earns 25% more than you do, so why would you ever feel guilty about not sharing your windfall. Invest wisely for your own future security/happiness.

Oh I couldn’t put it better.

I definitely wouldn't tell him. I am in a similar situation and I don't plan on disclosing the whole amount to my dh. I want to keep some aside for myself as I know he'll find a reason to spend it otherwise!

If I were you I would open a new separate savings account. Do not put anything into paying more on the mortgage. Do not tell him.
You are already covering some of the cost of his children by splitting costs of the household 50/50.

Put it into your pension. I bet he has loads salted away.

rethink the relationship while you are young enough to start again. No kids so why feel obligated.

If you want to pay something to reduce your mortgage would your partner be interested in doing the same? So you could still keep the 50/50 split. You say he has savings.

Wise advice!

I recently read a book about inheritance - Inheritcoracy - an interesting point it made was that men tend to see inheritance as a joint thing...whereas women see it as their own.

That aside - it seems odd that your comments about his behaviour and depression are all relevant when money is involved - if he isn't a trustworthy partner then why are you with him?

Would these questions be relevant if you hadn't inherited the money?